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Brenshay's Blog

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A step at a time

Entries in this blog

 

Pity Party 12/11/05

Dear EX, Having never been alone because you're afraid to, you have probably never experienced what I'm feeling these days. You once told me you "admired" me for being able to be alone. Here's what it's really like... You're in the emergency room after a car accident, laying on a stretcher with your neck in a brace and you can't move. You're getting a bunch of tests and it's scary. Nobody rushes over to see if you're okay, although you know word has gotten out. Nobody calls the hospital. When

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Single for life? 11/22/05

Maybe this blog will come back to haunt me someday, I don't know. I was thinking today about under what circumstances I would get married again. Know what I came up with? NONE!! Never again do I want to have to tiptoe around because of another person's moods. Never do I want to waste energy fighting about miniscule stuff like who didn't empty the dryer or who forgot what at the store. Now I can do what I want, when I want and how I want. Why would I ever give that up? I have the greatest friends

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Me, Myself and I 11/17/05

Poor blog, I've been ignoring you. There, there. Things are different these days. I guess I haven't written because it is hard to find the right words for how I have been feeling lately. To be honest, I didn't believe a single one of you when you promised me that time would help heal my wounds, but you were all exactly right. With time and some good advice along the way, I'm healing. Nine months after wishing I was dead, I feel more alive than ever. I'm stronger and more confident, not every d

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And you're all invited! 11/03/05

First off, yes I realize it's 4:00 a.m. Insomnia strikes again. So...I have no ideas, no confirmed guests, no money--but I'm going to have a Christmas party. Here was my invitation:-----------------------------------------------------------------------First off, am I correct that Christmas is on a Sunday this year? Tried to find out but not sure. Secondly, I know you don't want to talk about Christmas. I know you don't want to think about Christmas. I know some of you are even Jewish. We just ha

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Honk if you love DF! 11/02/05

Last March, I came here broken. It wasn't my first time here, but I was in the worst condition of my life. I had been cheated on, lied to and walked out on. I wished I was dead. Every minute that went by was sheer torture, and I was positive that I would be beaten down, lose everything including my children and hate every day of my life from that day forward. At DF, my tears were dried. My hand was held. My backbone was strengthened. I was carried when I could not walk. I was praised when I did

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Badmouthing 11/1/05

My kids had an awesome Halloween. We Trick-or-Treated with our neighbors and some friends and hit every house within a one-mile radius. Their little bags were spilling over. Every time my 3-year-old came away from a house he would yell, "This is the BEST Halloween!" Hilarous. Unfortunately, all of us parents had something to drink after our kids night out was over. My ex-SIL was there (the one I'm close to), and there was a lot of EX and Pinkie bashing done by all of us. Then I realized that my

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Mini updates 10/30/05

Clocked 10 good hours of sleep last night (thanks, Ambien). Feel better about Grandma K thanks to the people here at DF. I hope to see her very soon.Mother feels better. Pinkie is apparently making an *** out of herself with in-laws (by being an annoying twit). People are recovering a little bit from the hurricane and getting some power back (yay). Looking forward to Halloween tomorrow with the kids. Youngest is going to be Robin (like Batman and Robin) and the other Yu-Gi-Oh (for those without

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Insomnia 10/28/05

I have had really bad insomnia since EX left. I have sleeping pills but can't use them every night, so on nights like this I am up and around and thinking. When it's late like this, I tend to focus on the negative. My finances are getting worse, my mother is getting worse, my loneliness is getting worse. The best things in my life are my two beautiful children, and since I'm not taking good care of myself I wonder how good my care is of them. I'm afraid of making a mistake and my EX's family mak

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Gotta love hurricanes...10/24/05

It's 5:00 in the morning, and the news says things will start to get bad in about an hour. The storm is also supposed to be stronger than originally thought. Last year, Hurricane Jeanne was a Category 2 and was scary, and this one is supposed to be a 2 at least. EX continues his quest for "Father of the Year" by being too busy shopping for his hurricane party to make sure his children are secure and have everything they need. I'm really angry with him right now. I knew holidays were going to be

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From The Board 10/23/05

I went and got out my book "He's Just Not That Into You" and re-read parts of it for a little reminder. Then I called SH's sister and asked her not to mention my name to SH anymore. He knows how to get a hold of me if he wants to. And if he doesn't want to--oh well. I spent too much time chasing after EX to ever chase anybody again. I need to keep my self worth and dignity that I have fought so hard for. Just like with the storm, all I can do is hold on, ride the wave and stay above water.

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Rejection 10/23/05

Rejection really hurts. The storm is coming, and all I can do is lay in bed. Usually EX made us safe and sound with everything we needed during a storm, but now he doesn't even call to see if we're okay. My crush on SH got too big, and now I'm being crushed. Needless to say, he hasn't called to check on me either. I know I'm being ridiculous and feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick with a cold and laryngitis and feel terrible anyway. My house is all dark because my ex-father-in-law was kind enough

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Karma Police Raid Florida Office 10/17/05

Ready for this...Pinkie got fired!Okay, now ordinarily I'd be screaming injustice because the woman got fired while the "men" got to keep their jobs, but this is PINKIE we are talking about here. She does not garner any sympathy from me. In her case I would use the term "woman" very loosely (like she is). Maybe it's mean, but Also, my mother told me yesterday that my older son referred to Pinkie as "That girl who I don't like." It just makes me mad that EX forces this bimbo on our children eve

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Fortune Cookies 10/15/05

So I had Chinese for dinner tonight, and here's what my fortune said..."Behind every able man, there are always other able men."I kept it and put in on the refrigerator. K. e-mailed me late last night to say that she had spoken to her brother and that he wants to talk to me. He said to tell me that he was sorry about what EX had done to me (he sort of knows us both). Can I tell you, this guy looks like a young Baldwin brother--so cute! I wish I could show a picture of him. I'm looking forward to

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Waiting on a friend 10/14/05

For about 9 years now, I have been wondering and worrying about a childhood friend of mine (call her K). We grew up together, but her life became very troubled and she dropped in and out of mine as we got older. When she was gone, I searched for her and even had recurrent dreams about finding her at least three times a month. She was as close to me as a sister; we even look alike. Growing up, I always tried to hold her up as life was knocking her down, and she was always there for me to do the s

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Dear Brenshay 10/12/05

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your ex-husband does not love you anymore, not even a little bit, and he hasn't for a long time. He made up his mind to leave you long before he got the guts to do it. He was just waiting around for a backup (aka Pinkie) because he couldn't survive on his own. If he and Pinkie ever break up, he will not be coming back to you. He has moved on. You have tried everything possible to get his attention, but not one thing has worked. You got a tattoo. You cried. You yelle

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The Martyr 10/11/05

S. ended up sending a pretty harsh e-mail to EX blasting him for sharing his personal life with Pinkie, and she told him he needs to leave me alone. He wrote her back and included this paragraph..."I have been in a very difficult position with all of my family andfriends from the very beginning, but since I put myself here, I cannotcomplain and just have to take it. I have lost all of my friends becausethey only hear one side of the story and it is a sad story, again I donot complain because I d

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Hitting the Fan 10/11/05

My best friend since high school (call her S.) is furious with EX over the events of last week. Here's a small sampling..."I know he doesn't get this, but you must realize that he is putting you back on an emotional course that can lead straight to the hospital again. I have never (since this all started) felt more like emailing him and telling him to leave you the hell alone than I do right now. What a selfish F$%@$& Barsteward! You are supposed to comfort him as he gives this other girl t

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Triggers 10/10/05

This afternoon, somebody else on another forum wrote that while she was able to manage her day and do the things she needed to do, she felt an undercurrent of pain and sadness that has never left her since she has been divorced. That really set off a trigger for me, and before I knew it I was full-out bawling. What she said is so true for me as well. For instance, on Saturday night I had my "townhouse party," which was fun and went really well, but that undercurrent was still present. After last

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