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About this blog

the ups and downs of a pessimist

Entries in this blog

 

Tried To Go Swimming Today

worked up the courage to go swimming today, took most of the afternoon to get ready. Got to the swimming pool and found out that the council, after refurbishing the pool, decided not to fill it as it would cost too much and they were planning on closing the entire building on the 1st of April. So all my worry and fear went to nothing. got back on the bus and donw the main street of my city, a lot of the shops are closed down or taken over by someone else. Seems like everything is chaning ex

firelizardee

firelizardee

 

Lunch Today

met up with a few friends today and had some lunch and a few glasses of alcohol. i realise that when I'm with people I drink fast and when I'm alone I drink slower. May be the last time i see these people.

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firelizardee

 

Painting Almost Finished

the painting I started 3 weeks ago in the Art Therapy Group I attend, is almost finished. Its big and colourful. I don't know what I feel about it, a bit unsatisfied, cos its not as good as some others I have done. It feels disconnected and disjointed, probably because there's a week in between each session.

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firelizardee

 

Going To Do Some Cooking Today

My occupational therapist wants me to start doing something at our sessions rather than just talking. So today I am going to 'create' some Thai fish parcels. Hopefully, they will taste ok. Its rather a bit of a cheat, cos I won't be making the filo pastry myself. But then why go to the bother of making filo pastry when someone else has gone to the bother of making it and boxing it up to sell? LOL. I've got all the ingredients, salmon, ginger, coriander, zest of lime, garlic, spring onion a

firelizardee

firelizardee

 

Hair Cut

couldn't get up early enough on monday to wash my hair and so after my shoulder rehab class I went to see about getting my hair cut. It was just going to be a trim but ended up taking more than half my hair off. I can still tie it back but its very short, compared to what it was. Do I regret it? Well only when I see pictures and film of other women with lovely long hair. I think it was time to get it cut. its lighter and freer. Of course now I have to put up with the curls, which are nat

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firelizardee

 

Good Night

Had a good night with Colin and Fiona who are recently engaged. Shared some Alcohol and other alcohol. Behind it all lies the thought that I may not be around much longer. Behind the smiles lie the tears.

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firelizardee

 

Another Day Being Attacked By A 'normal'

Don't you find that some 'normals' (those without diagnosed mental illnesses) are actually worse as people than those of us with mental illness. A woman got 'angry' at me cos of the look on my face, apparantly. I had to move out of my path to get round her to get to the seat in the bus shelter. i wasnt' that much better than her, cos instead of ignoring the 'Biotch' I responded. It ended up with her calling me 'ugly, fat, old', because of my hair which is long. Apparantly she 'can get mo

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firelizardee

 

What A Liar!

I saw my mothers Bebo entry last night and in it she mentions loving spending time with her 'lovely husband'. What a liar. The pair couldn't stand each other whilst I was living under their roof. The amount of nagging and rows, shouting and general nastiness was immense. Its what me up today as regards relationships. I couldn't understand how they seemed to hate each other but still had sex. Two faced, hypocritical and all the rest of the ...arrrghh.....

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firelizardee

 

Treats

Well I treated myself to a new computer. My laptop had a serious S/W malfunction and it messed up a few other things which I couldn't get sorted. It seems to need a comple reinstall of the OS and all my apps. This is only my 3rd computer since 1992/3. My laptop has lasted 6 years so I think I got a good deal with that.

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firelizardee

 

Who Am I Angry With/at?

Well you shouldn't really read this, its just a venting. Angry at parents for not being caring parents. Angry at them for leaving us in the 'tender' care of my awful brothers so that they could go to the pub every night. Angry at mother for threatening suicide so that I was scared that she wouldn't come back. Angry at parents for not being better role models. Angry at brothers for their psychological torturning of me. Angry at other pupils for not liking/hating me, pushing me around,

firelizardee

firelizardee

 

11 Days To Go

Yes 11 days to go to the Winter Solstice. 21st December is the shortest day. Soon the sun will return. yeah.

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firelizardee

 

Reassurance

I realise that I need reassurance from people, telling me that they like me otherwise I think they don't. I think that medical staff (nurses in the psych ward, psychiatrist, GPs) don't like me and that makes it difficult to ask for help. aaargh.

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firelizardee

 

From Suicide To Donation

Well last week I possibly took an overdose but it was untreated. The police arrived round on Tuesday, sent by Dr P Sclare. I spent the rest of the week feeling distressed and not real. But I did read a good book: "Suicide: The forever decision". And this weekend I have set up a direct debit with The Samaritans to donate some money every month. Its the least I can do.

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firelizardee

 

Remember Me

How I'd like to be remembered. Remember me as I was. Helping out on DF. Hopefully making things better, either by suggesting things or answering peoples questions, giving support and encouragement.

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firelizardee

 

Work

I'll be seeing the Occupational Health doctor again (when they deign to phone me). I think I'm coming round to the idea of taking medical retirement. This upsets me

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firelizardee

 

Little Party

I had a few friends round on sat night and we ate cheese and biscuits and had lots of alcohol (remember drinking whilst on certain meds is not recommended) listened to music and talked. There were 5 of us in total. 4 humans and 1 dog called Honey. It was a good night, but not so good the next day, as I didn't do much except lie on my setee all day and evening.

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firelizardee

 

Aaarghh Bl**dy Kids

well had another eipsode on Wed evening. I was waiting at the bus stop and 5 kids turn up, some little ones about 12 or so and one older one and one female. They start giving cheek and start laughing at the little barstewards antics. They were doing what was done to me at school and that was kids laughing at me, not because I was doing something funny, but to be nasty and mean. I told one of the kids that he should be in a psychiatric ward (us being opposite the hospital). The other one I threat

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firelizardee

 

Coffee Machine

Well I splurged out on a Gaggia Coffee machine. Its Italian and the coffee I can make are espresso and cappuccino. mmm

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firelizardee

 

More Sleep Paralysis

I've had episodes of sleep paralysis on and off since the age of 14. Usually they occur at periods of stress or some upset. Well last night I had lots of them. I wake up and can't move and feel as though someone or something is in the room. Well, I had feelings that a cat was on my bed (this has happened often) a few times. I could feel the weight of the cat on the bed and on my body. I even talked to the cat and tried to shoo it away. The sleep paralysis seems to occur when your mind is

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firelizardee

 

Lumps

well the swelling in my neck, just below the ear was just a reaction to an infection, so the Dr says. Its still there I think but the infection or what was infected is gone and I've now got another two swollen areas where my neck joins the shoulder. I've got an appt for Tuesday with the dr so I'll talk to him then about it.

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firelizardee

 

Beginning

Spring 1963 arrived in the world first memory was of standing and crying because I was stuck and 2 shapes (one light, one dark) were near me, the dark shape came and picked me up. Going up steps at my godmothers house when sister was being born. Being told to be quiet because sister was sleeping. Brothers loosening screws on my trike so that it fell apart as I raced after them. Brothers not wanting to play with me. The cat Monty under the sideboard, when Mandy our Springer Spaniel ar

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firelizardee

 

Yao

Yet another overdose. Apparently because I took the pills over a period of time and not in quick succession it was better for me. I think I had a seizure though, cos I've bitten my tongue on both sides and I don't remember doing it and there was another sign. I had conflicting thoughts: "I want to die" and "Get Help". Its like having 2 minds. So another failure. But as the Samaritan said it would have been a forever decision.

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firelizardee

 

I Think My Pdoc Is Not Listening To Me

he doen't seem to understand me. I say to him that my life is over and that I have no ambitions left or desires, no places to visit before I die. He thinks that I am depressed and having circulating negative thoughts, which the meds can only partially help. My life is over. If I died he would think/worry that he had not done enough (he has said that). Friends say that they will be sad. but I can't live just to ensure that others are happy or feel they are doing ok in their work. 10

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