i'm still here
and i finally have a new computer now. (and failed to make the old one work properly.)
i'm working on it to make it work as i want it, and i take too long, longer than i wanted. i need much longer for everything these days, much longer than i used to. (does prolonged depression **** brain cells?? i'm not _that_ old yet but i think this is how dementia must feel...)
a new OS and i still have to get used to it and how to deal with it (not really enthousiastic about it),
i still have not filled in this form. but. i have almost finished writing a short chronological about what happened oct and nov. it is so difficult for me to remember everything at once. i do have memory problems, especially in the sense that there seems to be only one event at the time to fit in my brain to think about. (eek this sounds too strange.) so i have to do it bit by bit. i can remember, but only piece by piece, not all at the same time. and working hard to figure out what has happened
today it's all i can do to work hard to suppress all those negative feelings and thoughts. trying hard to concentrate on something else. anything, just not thinking these thoughts and feeling those feelings.
there is so much i must be doing, and i'm already behind, by very far.
this weekend so far i've managed to wash - and hang! - one load of laundry. took me almost two days.
friday i went shopping, to the grocery store. (not alone, i don't manage alone. but still, going out of the house is
...than half my life. (so far)
i just have to mark this day somehow. remember.
i had not expected it.
i have talked to someone again after a very long long time.
i can not describe how i feel. like smiling. and like crying.
how to find a bridge over such a long gap. almost half my lifetime ago.
and in another way it did feel like it was "just yesterday".
to hear that voice again.
omg this is painful.
who am i, now adays.
not much left of the person i was.
i wouldn't know how to expla
You did not walk with me
Of late to the hill-top tree
As in earlier days
By the gated ways.
You were weak and lame
So you never came.
And i walked alone, and i did not mind,
Not thinking of you as left behind.
I walked up there to-day
Just in the former way
the familiar ground
By myself again.
What difference, then?
Only that underlying sense
Of the looks of the room on returning, thence.
...to not give up.
still struggling on.
however much i struggle, and try to do what i have to, to get out of this s***uation - it is not getting better. still not getting any better.
the metacarpal did not heal well, the broken part has shifted a bit, they say i won't be fully able to move that finger (when the plaster (word?) comes off). surgery would have been necessary, but they only found that out after it was too late to do it. i had been given the next appointment, for contr
still too much too much, everything. but struggling on. somehow.
too much stress. but have to...
5th doctors opinion this year.
(she then tell me like 'just do your trauma therapy and everything will be fine again'... )
those who work for administration that give allowance to unemployed or welfare or whatever say i'm disable. (so they don't need to pay.) those for disability try to find reasons not to pay too.
tired of it all.
more than a year now since this stress started.
day after a
so much going on, much struggling. to get through all of this. and this terrible fatigue. every new day struggling to get out of bed. but scare drives me, eventually. knowing i have to go on working on all these things... forms... applications... struggling to survive. the mere existence. my brain tells me i need to go on. although i don't know what for. but go on.
i think it's comparable to applying for Disability Living Allowance what the struggling with forms and applications is about now. K
...i guess i could call it.
still at a low spot. or maybe rather the low plains, as this is too big and too long to travel through to be called a spot.
nothing is good, and very little that is 'somewhat okay', meaning bearable in a way. (the fact that i'm still here proves that it's bearable, right?)
and i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. i don't even want to mention anymore how i feel because this has been too long, i'm going on my own nerves with my negativity and i know it just pu
i want to try to update. i guess i'll do it bit by bit.
it's somehow difficult for me to think about what has changed. where am i now. what's my situation. such things. usually i rather try to avoid such thoughts. as i'm not happy with where i am at this point. usually i just struggle to get by on a daily basis, in a way. just keeping my chin above water.
i'm still severely depressed.
my anxiety is bad.
i'm isolated and i don't go out of the house if i can avoid it. i'm trying to work on thi
...so i'm still not much around... but i wanted to update my blog.
this decision taken, my mind went empty of what to say. how stupid is this... there's too much, and no words right now.
so for now just a "hello i'm still alive and struggling on." hopefully more another time.
(still using my nice neighbours i-net / puter to sneak in here now and then...)
oh and what's in my thoughts every day is the signature lizard used to have, but i just remember the last line "...i'll try again tomorrow
a new year, and something good happened: the social therapist starts working again.
this "social therapy", the application forms and all, i struggled for, last year, got approved by insurance, and i had started to work with this woman, and started "sorting through my situation" and find out what to do, and to start doing it - with her help
that had been the plan, but then the social therapist had to go to hospital and did not work for a long time.
and i tried to struggle along, alone. that
just popping in here to say hello.
have some moments to use someone's computer... so i just had to sneak in here.
missing DF. missing my friends here.
hope you're all well, or at least ok.
you're in my thoughts.
as for me i'm just keeping my chin above water... (but that's better than drowning ;) )
tough times. but some days ago i found a tiny crumb of courage inside me, and i'm working now to nurture it (and maybe it can grow into some new hope one day?)
i know i'll get over the holiday
want to plant a rosebush on my cat's grave.
i miss her. and somehow i can't believe that she's gone. (of course i KNOW. my brain knows. my feelings feel pain and loss. but deep inside i can't really believe it, can't really realize that's how it is and it's forever.) i keep expecting to hear her footsteps, then her head appearing behind the corner, expecting to hear her meow when i go to the kitchen. sometimes it feels so real, suddenly, for a short second, before the realization comes rushing
struggling on through the days.
like swimming against treacle.
there's this vast amount of sadness, inside. can't even begin to find words to describe that. and despair. and other such feelings. like a magma chamber that's too full. but not an exploding type of that. rather like sucking me in. like a black hole chamber.
well i just go ahead each day, to somehow get through the day. and the next night. and on awakening it's just another terrible day ahead, it's like something hits me the mome
when i manage to somehow keep my feelings "under control" (or rather: suppressed...), to somehow stay "calm", in a way, at least outside, there's more ....it just seems to never end.... more to cope with, more to deal with.
there's only difficult situations in my life. nothing else left.
(and even if there was, i wouldn't have any energy left to be happy about anything or to care much.)
i'm slowly losing the last remnant of my capability to mind. does anything matter at all? in the end it do
in a way Janice is a link to my past. (somehow the last link to my past...that how it feels)
20 years is a long time. and so much has changed.
i have changed. so much.
i can hardly remember the person i used to be. or somehow remember, when i try to. but it feels not like that was me, more like that was a person i used to like, someone who was very close, very dear and important to me. and she is no more. she has gone.
scary. cause i know that was me. my brain knows. but it's like memory of
i'll have to take my cat to the vet. the last trip.
i wish i could spare her this last stress.
she did not recover well from the treatment. it looked better first. but going downhill now.
not eating or drinking today. sleeping mostly. but just now got up started to run around, meowing.
it's evening now. afternoon i phoned vet - he said tomorrow i should go there.
went back to sleep.
somehow i'm hoping she'll just die peacefully tonight.
i don't know how to do this tomorrow. really i don'
part of me dares to hope again, a bit. for the life of my cat. not sure whether i should dare to hope...
it's not the dangerous condition the vet thought it to be. and her measuring instrument seems to have been malfunctioning, made crazy results. the laboratory results of the sample she she sent in show nothing bad.
another dangerous condition still to deal with. i hope the other vet can help.
going to see another vet.
i'm not sure about this first one. so many wrong diagnosis-and treatmen
to see my cat die.
trying to do what i can.
there is not much i can do it seems.
been at veterinary thursday.
a new vet.
the vet where we used to go has died. my brother has told me. he heard from mom. already some months ago. (i didn't know. but i don't have much contact with my mother.) all of my family who have cats went to this vet. she was a good vet. and a really nice woman. i liked her. my mother used to call her "aunt J" when talking to her cats (or family members) about having to g
"she" came here yesterday evening. to my dad's place. ("she" is my dad's girlfriend.)
(she hardly ever does this.)
after they had supper in the kitchen, dad was busy somewhere doing things, and she watching soccer on tv (in the "living room", where the couch is my bed when i'm visiting here), i was busy doing other things. (i'm usually avoiding her.)
then she 'caught' me in the kitchen. i suppose that's the right word how to call it. and started talking to me.
asked me if i knew, if my dad
...is the inability to cope with the pressure.
or something like that.
lost a post, can't write it again now. : :verysad3: :
gist of it, i'm having a tough time, can't get my things done, have to, and confused and unable to decide things.
and if i won't show up here for a while it's no reason to worry, reason is that i should go home and get things done (and still don't have internet access there).
need to get some things off my chest. they start crowding my thoughts now and i don't like that.
i don't really know what it is. find it difficult to pinpoint. and i've been mostly avoiding that matter, in my thoughts, as there isn't anything i can do about it anyways but keep my distance.
there's been lots of things that annoyed me about her.
not in the very beginning, first i kinda "liked" her, like every new person i met used to kind of get a "plus" to start with, so to speak.
friends came yesterday, was nice. (the whole family. their family.)
left me exhausted. and back pain. well that is the price that comes with a more active day.
i did manage a happy face however.
and managed the cleaning today. (well most of)
everything tiresome today.
sad today. very sad.
don't know why cat again doesn't eat.
thoughts circling around on my mind all evening, will i have to put her to sleep? when?
how to decide? when?
i hope she'll eat tomorrow.
i was going to write, yesterday morning, that it's the beginning of a difficult week.
things happening were faster than me writing.
yesterday was really bad.
today i'm struggling hard to get my chin above water again.
and i don't know what to do, and how to decide. what to plan. or... to plan anything at all? maybe it's wiser not to. better retreat? (more, and more and more again retreat into my shell?)
i had wanted it different this year. not spend such a rotten time around my birthday. ha