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Rough day

I can't shake the suicidal ideation today. It's hard to think of anything else. I haven't called the Veterans Crisis Line because I don't believe they can do anything right now except to initiate hospitalization, and I don't think that would be constructive. I'm going to try sleeping for a while.

jeff70

jeff70

 

Profoundly, dangerously depressed

Originally posted in forums on 2017-04-11, abridged I'm heading into week two of a deep funk. I had a period of relief this afternoon during my therapist appointment, but the storm clouds had returned by the time I reached my car. I take lithium to combat suicidal ideation. While it used to be extremely effective, it no longer does anything for me. Now, when I look at the pill bottle, I see toxic Skittles. Has anyone used clozapine or other agents to treat suicidal ideation? My pdoc is reluct

jeff70

jeff70

 

A Recent Fb Post Re National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

For those of us who suffer from mental illness or substance abuse, one of the biggest barriers to contacting a hotline when we are in crisis is fear. "What will happen as a result of the call? Will they send the police to come check on me? Will they make me go to an emergency room?" I can't speak for every hotline in existence, but for at least one, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-TALK/8255), the answers are easy to find. The Lifeline posts its policies and procedures on its we

jeff70

jeff70

 

I Should Be Back In The Hospital Right Now

For the past 2 nights, I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts - again. When I got to the point of having a well-developed plan, the only flaw of which is that it requires me to do something I physically can't do (drive), I realized it was time for another hospital visit. It's for a trivial reason that I'm not there: I have tickets to a concert next week, and I don't want to miss it. Hopefully that's also enough to keep me safe for the next week. It may not seem like much, but I've been wa

jeff70

jeff70

 

Back After A Long Absence

I have been away for about a year, at least. I hope my old friends have gotten better and no longer need the support of this site, but if not...hi, again!

jeff70

jeff70

 

Crazy Dreams Lately

Since coming home from the hospital (again) last week, I have been having the strangest dreams, even if I just close my eyes for a short nap. The only real medication changes were adding hydroxyzine and changing the timing of my 80 mg Geodon. Everything seems to happen extremely fast in most of the dreams. I'm aware of what's happening, but it's like speeding up time by an order of magnitude or more. Sometimes, the dreams include fragments from past, maybe recurring, dreams. Tonight, I was bac

jeff70

jeff70

 

The Bad Half Of My Week

On April 1, I posted about my new (6 months now!) gf and how much better I feel mentally and emotionally during the half of the week she spends here with me (when she's off work...basically a 3.5 day weekend). Her being here doesn't cure my MH problems or cause them not to be problems, but my happiness at being with her, even if we're "in our own worlds" reading, is a strong counterbalance. I use much less of my PRN psych meds, and I never feel as though I might be a a danger to myself. Well, s

jeff70

jeff70

 

Will She Be Able To Handle The Mental And Physical Problems?

Until 6 months ago, I was certain that I would not be in a relationship after the "wbx." I intended to live a solitary life and focus on fathering my children. When I met Amanda, I was intentionally trying to go slowly in this new relationship - "so slowly that the casual observer would think we were moving backwards." She was not put off by my debilitating knee pain. We'd both rather stay home and do things individually or together there. We'd rather order out than go out for dinner. I finally

jeff70

jeff70

 

I Hurt. A Lot.

Nothing approaching wisdom here. I don't remember how long this depressive episode has lasted. I do know that it's the crippling knee pain, (probably) not the mental illness, that keeps me from even walking to the mailbox. The pain fuels the depression: I'm either in intolerable pain, or I'm taking CNS depressants to overcome it. I am allergic to NSAIDS, so the narcotics are the only tools in my toolkit.

jeff70

jeff70

 

Narrowly Avoided A Nightmare Day

I came within inches of losing my son yesterday afternoon. He got off the school bus at his mother's house, where his grandmother was outside waiting for him, just as a reckless driver illegally sped around the stopped bus. If he had been just a few more inches from the side of the bus, she (the reckless driver) would have certainly hit him. It was so close that the bus driver thought he HAD been hit. She reported that on the radio, and my wife, who works for the school system and was still at w

jeff70

jeff70

 

Depression Over The Loss Of A Machine, Part 2

In May of 2009, I wrote a blog entry about the sadness I felt when I thought of the aircraft on which I worked while I served in the U.S. Navy now being museum pieces. While this is a little different, it is also the same. I feel the same way about our aircraft carriers, including those other than the Enterprise, the only one aboard which I served, as well as many other ships, some famous and some unheard-of except to sailors and Naval historians. The same sort of depression I'm feeling now st

jeff70

jeff70

 

Hail And Well-met, Friends (and Those I've Not Yet Met)

It has been a long time since I've been here and longer still since I've been blogging consistently. During my hospital stay in April of last year, I switched one of my meds to Cymbalta, and, miraculously, the Veterans Administration agreed to keep me on it after I was discharged from the hospital. I had had great success with it before, and the only reason I ever quit taking it was that I began receiving my MH care from the VA, and Cymbalta was non-formulary. If they couldn't put me on the best

jeff70

jeff70

 

Love Rescued Me (apologies To U2)

Note: If you did not read my previous post, you won't get the full effect of this one. This forum is full of blog posts about people feeling worthless and having little hope that the future will be any better. One could say that that's its purpose: to provide an outlet for that and other feelings associated with depression. I have certainly contributed enough of my own posts of that kind...in my case often coupled with the effects of chronic physical pain. I may well contribute more. For now,

jeff70

jeff70

 

Yay! I'm On Cookie's Friend List Again!

-- Edited 2009-10-05 0532 EDT WARNING --- Cheery post. I'm not being facetious. When I was at the bottom, others' happiness sometimes made the possibility of my own inner peace even more remote...that there was someone out there for everyone, except me. This isn't my typical post. It's about my (relative) recovery and healing, and about the renewal of a very old friendship and literally tripping over love when I had abandoned all hope of ever seeing it again. I hope NO ONE finds it triggering,

jeff70

jeff70

 

Hello, Friends And Friends I Haven't Met Yet

It's been a long time since my last post. I have been trying to develop my previously non-existent real-life support system, unfortunately at the temporary expense of participating in this one. Ialso screwed up and developed one of my old friends who happen to have become teachers! So with a few exceptions, my work benefited me (and them) only until school started. In addition, I have a blog on wordpress ( jeffreydbrown.wordpress.com comments very welcome) that doesn't contain any deep MH post

jeff70

jeff70

 

Just A Bad Day

I met with my therapist this afternoon, which normally puts me in a good mood, but it just didn't last very long today. I had an appointment to meet with the wbx this evening and talk about our marriage, kids, whatever, but I called her, and we mutually agreed that we didn't have anything to talk about today, so we cancelled. I just sank into a mini major depressive episode very fast, but so subtlely that I didn't realize it until it was upon me. I don't even know when it started. I called the

jeff70

jeff70

 

Why Do I Feel So Depressed About Old Machines?

Nearly every type of aircraft that composed the carrier air wing in which I served has been retired from service and replaced with variants of the F/A-18 Hornet. My A-7 could take off with an F/A-18 under each wing and drop both of them on an enemy target. Every time an aircraft type was retired, I went through a period of depression. Seeing warships decommissioned and, if they're lucky, turned into museums, is even worse. The Sea Services, the Navy and Marine Corps, are all about tradition. S

jeff70

jeff70

 

A Loss For Words, Part 2 - Pride And Sadness

My family has a long tradition of serving in the U.S. Armed Forces. Both grandfathers served in World War II. My father served in the Air Force and my uncle in the Army, both in Vietnam. All of them found themselves in combat. (I also have two step-brothers on active duty in the Army. One is a Kiowa Warrior pilot whose helicopter has been shot down during the current occupation of Iraq. Both he and his weapons officer survived. The pickup-load of guys with AKs who shot them down did not.) I ser

jeff70

jeff70

 

At A Loss For Words

It's been a short time since I've written, and a very long time since I've written anything positive. While I was hospitalized, I was reminded of something about myself that I had long forgotten: when faced with someone who is suffering and in need of help, I push my own suffering aside and try to relieve theirs. It's not just bottling up my own problems. Helping someone else often provides real relief for my own suffering. I value the time of everyone who has ever read any of my blog posts, an

jeff70

jeff70

 

Oh, That This Too, Too Solid Flesh Would Melt...

...fall, and resolve itself into a dew. I have abandoned all hope of saving my marriage. She does not want to save it. Her best solution is for me to cooperate in the divorce. I started this entry drowning in tears, packing for another trip to the emergency room. I now know too well how to pack for being hospitalized. I needed that torrent, and I've lost it. Maybe alone is how I am supposed to be. If I'm so bad to be with, what does that mean for me as a father? Will I fail at that as I've f

jeff70

jeff70

 

I Don't Know Why I'm Here

Remaining in the hospital seemed to serve no purpose, but ever since I left, I feel as though my depression is deeper than when I went in. I've had off-and-on crying fits for no particular reason, and I feel so empty and alone. I just want to drive up to the mountains, if my little car would make it, and walk off into the wilderness. Maybe I'd come back.

jeff70

jeff70

 

Back...

Greetings, all, I just finished a two-week stay in the hospital for depression and Latin-word-for-self-destruction thoughts that started a couple of days after my last blog post. In fact, I had an appointment with my psychologist a couple of days after my post, and, to keep myself honest, I emailed her a copy of my post (but no comments) on the day of our appointment, and I made sure I had a toothbrush in my computer bag (not part of my normal computer gear) before going to the appointment. My

jeff70

jeff70

 

I Liked It Better When The Depression Was Purely Organic

Triggering - impaired sense of self-preservation * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For most of my life, my depression, even when life-threatening major depressive outbreaks, was essentially organic. Brain chemistry not functioning as advertised. It existed even when there was nothing really going wrong in my life. Now, my life is going to s*** in enough ways to account for the life-threatening depressive episodes over the past couple of w

jeff70

jeff70

 

How Pathetic Am I? A Brief Survey...

Does anyone besides me have a sui cide hotline number programmed into the speed-dial of their cell phone? Have you ever called friends to let them know you had reached your limit and to say goodbye, only to be talked down "off the ledge" by a hotline worker and realize how embarrassing it will be tomorrow when you're still alive and must tell them it was a false alarm? If your mobile phone carrier offers the ability to make unlimited calls to numbers you select without using any of your allott

jeff70

jeff70

 

Zoloft Day 22

When I started the Zoloft, I never really believed I would be able to tolerate the side-effects for 22 days. I can't be sure, but I think the cognitive side-effects, rather than going away, have become so subtle that I'm not aware of them until I try to do something intellectually taxing. Or it could be the combination of anxiety and major depression causing the same sensation that my mind just isn't fully functioning. I was/am considering going to school half-time for the summer. While discuss

jeff70

jeff70

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