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DID--on the road to inner peace

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Slap The Dumb Broads Of The World!

I'm still eating like it's going out of style. Usually, it's when I'm feeling ,pretty low. Like now. And it always has to be a starchy sweet like cakes, cookies, etc. The WORST stuff you can have... aiiigggh! I called to get an update from the social worker and she says that my sister, "looked fine" and my mom seemed to be, "OK". Well, f-ck all then! She asked me how my mom isolates my sister. I tried to tell her about her not letting her have a social life, etc. Then she says a few minutes lat

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

???

ugh... binge binge binge binge binge whats bothering me?

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

Today In The News...

Guess I was just being paranoid during that last entry. Dad never called back.... *awwww* hehe Anyhow, J is letting MIL come over. Remember her? The one who almost drunkenly fell holding Sprout on T-day? Oh boy. I'd rather she not come, especially if she will be coming over after drinking. But you never can tell. She drives about 8 mi from her home, endangering lives on her way. I guess I will have to talk to him about it. If we confront her, which he has before, she will say her red, swollen f

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

Paranoia?

hmmm... Dad called me last night to wish me a happy 'late valentine's day'. Then asked how it went. Odd. He asked how "his granddaughter" was doing (because he can't remember her name). Anyway, when was the last time this man has called to wish me a happy any-holiday? He asked what I was doing, what I was up to. That's a sh-tload of interest in my life. He rarely asks questions like that, unless he wants to pass judgement on something. But he didn't this time. Then he paused a bit, and tol

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scarletworld

 

Done Deal

I did it! I called and made my report. The worker said on the phone that it is definately a case that needs investigation, even though there is no longer any physical abuse going on. I squeezed in every bit of information I could, but the worker had had enough. Someone will visit them within the next 10 days. The worker also asked quite a few questions about my dad... my gut instinct was to protect him. HIM! All I really said is that he ignores the situation, which is true. He hides in the b

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scarletworld

 

Shoot And About Threads

What's real stupid is I worked myself up and up and then I called today... and the stupid gov't is closed for Linclon's birthday. Ain't that a Biotch! :yinyang: I'll call tomorrow. You know, I realize that I have all these therapy threads. You know, a bunch of topics running in tandem. Is that how it works? Or is it a DID thing? For example, I am really trying to resolve my feeling about my parents, sister, then there's other issues that come up and get dropped. Then there's that constant low

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scarletworld

 

Well...

I second guessed myself right out of calling. It's good though that I waited for my session today anyway. We talk about it and it seems to be the right thing to do. I'll do it sometime this week. She really does need serious professional help and our parents aren't getting it for her. All they're doing is abusing her emotionally and financially. They have not given her any means to take care of herself. mmf, you guessed wrong! I'm the younger sister. She's going to be 35 in 2 weeks.

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

Gonna Make That Call

I've been crying off and on all day. I decided to do it. I'm going to call adult protective services for my sister. My parents are still abusing her with neglect, financial abuse (mom signs her checks and doesn't give her anything, she also has no savings), and whatever else. And my dad? Well, he isn't hitting her anymore, but he acts like she doesn't exist. This is really hard for me. It's a total admittance from all of me(s) that they were/are abusive and unfit as parents and the caretakers

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

Another Me

Jeez, found another one! I always say that I have somewhere between 8-9 major splits and some minor ones, totaling 14. Anyhoo, with all the issues around eating lately this 'person' has popped up. She even has a name. She's my resident choca-holic! hehe... now I can blame someone else when the chocolate ice cream goes missing... Actually, it's not that great. I mean, she probably came about due to my mom's obsession with her kids and food and how fat we were(n't). It was totally schizo the

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

Out Of Breath

There's so so so much going on. Not a lot IRL, but in my head. Ideas, things that need to be done, family overload, letters to write, stuff to plan, forms to complete, house to clean, baby to care for, food to cook, husband to keep happy... I am short of breath and my chest is feeling tight. I have not been eating much, which is hell on my body as Sprout is taking up the majority of my food! Today, I almost fainted *twice* after nursing. So I have to eat more and not get mired in my anxiety an

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scarletworld

 

Mmf--think You're Right.... Maybe

I so think you might have something there. I obsess about leaving them. I obsess about Sprout (Mya's nick) dying. Of getting sick and dying. I can even see her in her little coffin. Or dying when she's an older child. Or getting molested or raped. And left in a ditch. Dead. I was just thinking that she could be stolen from me and mutilated, eviscerated. Dead. I think that I will screw her up badly and that could be worse than death, at least for her. So I think about leaving. I also think about

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scarletworld

 

Inventory, Part 2a--erika & Other Things

Boy o Boy. The t seems to be in agreement with my thoughts on "Erika". She is really professionally poker-faced, but when I told her that E didn't believe what happened her face completely broke apart with disgust. Her facial expressions rarely change, so I know it's not just me being the "isolationist" and just letting my depression push yet another friend away. I think of all the things I had done to be a good friend and most of it was not reciprocated. I told J that if I was in my right m

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

Where'd Ya'll Go?

Yipes! My good ole friend brought it to my attention that my blog dissapeared from the list! And I'd thought everyone had just gone on hiatus! eek! I think it happened when DF made some changes. So now I'm just trying to remember who all were could see it. So I'll go rebuild my list now... Thank you, my friend! (you know who you are :sad: )

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

Inventory, Part 2--erika

she's a funny one and i've been chewing over our relationship for years now. i think it's time to cut her down, like now, or cut her out. thinking over the past, she has never been suppotive as a friend should be. in fact, she's been the opposite and even passive aggressive at times. for example: 1. 10 yrs ago, told her that my then boyfriend had just date raped me. she said, "awww c'mon, you know you wanted it. why'd you go over there?" After that, i lost a year of my life due to a dissociativ

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scarletworld

 

How It Went--xmas

So we went to J's mom's. The minute I greeted MIL, she says, I can't touch her, I'll stay over here. I've been bad! Drinking. -sigh- She then sits down and breaks into tears in front of everyone. Which was odd as they all seemed to magically not see her break down like that. She became the proverbial pink elephant. I, of course, in my gruffishness, "What the hell's wrong with you? Anybody know what's wrong with C?" ANd she's just crying, shaking her head, unable to talk. I walk out, everyone els

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

what an idiot--Dad again

I called my dad last weekend to check on a few things. His cell was off so I had to use the house number. My mom answered, whom I haven't spoken to since Mya's birth and almost 4 years prior to that. Know what I felt? Nothing... OK... that's a lie. Maybe a tiny tinge of regret... Anyhow, my dad. Know what? He STILL doesn't remember Mya's name! What kind of horses*** is that? When she was 2 months old, he asked me it again. Told me to write it down, so I did on the backs of the pictures I s

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

Inventory, part 1

All right, the last few weeks, I've been taking inventory on the folks we are surrounded by. Asking myself the following kinds of questions: 1. Have I been there for (name of person)? 2. Has (name of person) been there for me? 3. How have we supported each other? 4. What kinds of interactions do we have? 5. Is it healthy? 6. Do I want to renew/fix/strengthen bonds with (name)? My pool of friends is slim really. Just Miss O and Erika and occassionally Teresa (made up names--kinda). But I'm

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

The Usual Holiday Mess

We've decided to throw the Christmas Eve party this year. Thanksgiving was a joke with the inlaws and my parents as usual, who we didn't see (didn't want to anyway). My MIL is now a full-blown alcoholic in my book. Everytime we see her, you can smell it on her. No, this is not a judgement. I battled the demon also for a looooong time. I was an abuser, tho. She is probably dependent now, chemically. It doesn't matter the time of day, she smells like booze. Thanksgiving she was sloppy drunk. She

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

Better late than never-birth story-the bad

I wanted to separate this crap out from the good stuff. It never seems to go away from me. Yeah, I know Mya is here safe and sound, but still, some of it was very traumatic. First off, my water completely broke. She wasn't in position and there was no water to buoy her and get her into position. Why didn't the docs take a sonogram? Why'd it take them 30-some hours to figure she was malpositioned? uuugh? The hospital was FULL. We had to sit in triage for 4 or 5 hours before they got us a room--

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

better late than never-birth story-the good

thanks so much for the congrats folks! i know that's a little in coming, but i have been soooo busy. so much to catch u folks up on! ok, here's mya's birth story. but 1st, let me say that my labor and delivery from start to finish was--40 hours. d.amn! on may 19, 5am my water completely broke with a loud pop! yep, i heard it. had just enough time to hop outta bed b4 ruining the sheets and mattress! luckily the birth educator in our classes warned us of the pop, or i woulndt have known. anyhoo,

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

She's Here!

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't been around, but things got kindof nuts! But my daughter is here! Her name is Mya and she was born 5/20 at 7.5lbs and was 20.5 inches long. She is adorable if I do say so myself... :verysad3: Getting used to motherhood is difficult, a big change, but a welcome one. Hope everyone is well. I will tell you all her birth story when I get the chance. Take care everyone! :sad:

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scarletworld

 

60 DAY COUNT DOWN!

My wee one will be here soon! Thank God! I think this pregnancy has been hard on the bot of us. We just need to see and enjoy each other now...

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scarletworld

 

Back Again

.... in more ways than one! The little one is very much alive and kickin... and kickin... and kickin! lol. That's the good news... The bad? Well, lets see... the buying company is giving me hassle--they keep pressuring me to make a decision--stay or go--but if you say the wrong thing you could lose your severance. So the only answer is stay, even tho the hiring manager tells me he needs to fill the spots now--not 5 months from now when I get back from maternity leave... They hassled me in

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scarletworld

 

Exporations in Panic Disorder

OK, so that's a BIG title, but what the heck, I feel like writing. In T yesterday, we started trying to figure out when I had my first panic attack. That's a hard one, considering I have so darned many and sometimes my mind is all a-jumble. But in any case, I had been thinking about this on my own for quite a few weeks, actually. And I came up with something. A very old memory. My paternal grandma was a diabetic & lived alone after grandpa died. We were dropped off every weekend there t

scarletworld

scarletworld

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