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ramblings

Entries in this blog

 

5 A Day (goals In My Case)

First the bad stuff: I have not been feeling good lately. At all. Each day is either the same or a bit worse than the day before in terms of my depression and anxiety. I am stuck, stuck, stuck. My productivity has gone from low to below zero. This in turn makes me feel worse. I have very little motivation to do anything. I am adrift and ungrounded. I feel disconnected from my reality. I feel sick to my stomach about losing my Dad. I'm worried about my Mom who is sounding very depressed. I am ir

Joanna

Joanna

 

Unhappy Days

I've had a bad week emotionally. I also had a big panic attack the other night in bed. I haven't had one of those for a very long time and it was sobering to be reminded how vulnerable I still am to panic. It shook me quite a bit and has left me feeling unsafe. By that I mean, unsafe in my own skin. I can't really explain it very well. For me, the worst thing about a panic attack is that there is no escape. I used to think going to the ER would help and I would sort of comfort myself with the th

Joanna

Joanna

 

Neighborhood Witch

I have written here before about this neighbor we have who I can't stand. She isn't even really a neighbor since she lives quite a way down the road from us in a cul-de-sac. Yet, as soon as we moved to this house (about 3 years ago) she really latched on to us (I soon discovered she tries to latch on to everyone). For the first year or so I was friendly to her, even though I quickly found it odd that she was wanting to be quite so involved in our lives. She would call up pretty much every day or

Joanna

Joanna

 

Didn't Think I'd Feel This Bad

This is going to be yet another entry about me missing my Dad. Sorry. I'm not sure there is even much point in continuing to write about this. But seeing as how I can't think of anything else right now, I feel sort of compelled to keep repeating myself. I know there is nothing anyone can say. There simply is no way round the pain of grief. That's what I'd say to anyone else in this situation. Because it's true. There is a saying: "The only way out is through". I guess I'm scared that I will ge

Joanna

Joanna

 

Weekend Thoughts

Mike and I are going home tomorrow morning and I've been reflecting on our weekend away. We go away a lot to this house so there was no special occasion behind this particular weekend. I'm not sure why I'm even saying that.......Perhaps to take some pressure off myself?? I do feel VERY pressured at the thought of a "romantic weekend" away......Not because I don't love Mike or want to spend time with him - I really do and I really do. But, for other reasons that I've mentioned here before. At a

Joanna

Joanna

 

Dreamt Of My Dad Last Night

Last night was the first time since my Dad's death that I dreamed of him. I wanted to try and write it down, but already the details are so fuzzy that it is just a dim, distant memory. One of the reasons I've been feeling so sad since my Dad died is because I haven't felt his prescence at all. I'm not religious and I do not believe in an after-life in a traditional sense, so of course it's ironic that I would even be hoping to feel something from my Dad. But I do believe in "the spiritual" sid

Joanna

Joanna

 

Weekend With Hubby

Hi everyone, Mike and I drove up to the mountain house today and we're staying a few days. We arrived an hour or so ago and one of the first things I did was hook up my laptop.......Mike made a joke about feeling like a widow and it made me sad because I know there is some truth in it......I'm going to try and really focus on spending time with Mike these next few days so I won't be around as much and won't be able to get to everyone's blogs. Plus, we're on a dial-up connection here so everythi

Joanna

Joanna

 

One Step Back

Not sure what happened but I've been feeling bad today. This morning I was jumpy and tense and irritable, and this afternoon and evening I've been sad and emotional and tearful. I have some idea what's going on internally but it's hard to explain and I don't think this is going to make much sense. I get very carried away with my feelings sometimes. I have lots of daydreams and I just get very carried away. I used to do this a lot when I was younger: create a dream world for myself in my head

Joanna

Joanna

 

Guess I Must Be Doing Sort Of Ok.....

It's been a few days since I've written in my blog and that usually means I'm doing sort of ok, but am too nervous to write that down in case I jinx myself...... Typically I tend to write here mostly when I'm struggling emotionally.......When I'm doing ok, I don't usually write much about it. I just feel uneasy somehow making a statement like "life is going well, right now". Like that will immediately cause me to experience something bad. I know I've talked about this before....... But in keep

Joanna

Joanna

 

This Is Who I Woke Up Next To This Morning.....

My beautiful boy, Buckaroo And I guess, three really is a crowd!! At least, when it's 3 dogs in your bed!!......... ( PS: Only one of them is a pretty much permanent fixture on our bed, the other two sleep on their own beds at least!! But still, with me and Mike in the bed too, that still makes a total of 3!!.....)

Joanna

Joanna

 

Long And Probably Very Boring :-)

I'm feeling stressed and emotional today and I have lots of thoughts and feelings whirling around inside me and I'm not sure how to process them so I thought maybe if I wrote about some of it I might find a little relief. My thoughts are really racing and I wish I could calm down. One thing that is stressing me out is that I'm not good at organizing my time productively and I'm quite undisciplined in many ways and it feels like the days go by and there is just not nearly enough balance in my l

Joanna

Joanna

 

Home Alone

I'm really tired tonight and I have a bad headache (sugar withdrawal). But I did have a much better day with my food and I went running earlieir on I did not get any kind of runner's high, but I think that's because my mood was so low to start with. Any improvement from going running brought my mood up to a more normal point, as opposed to a high point. I'm trying to look on the bright side, but it's hard with a blinding headache! I always get these headaches when I stop bingeing. They are nas

Joanna

Joanna

 

Old Way New Way

Well, following on from what I wrote yesterday, I want to try and focus on a couple of positive things that happened today. Even though I'm not actually feeliing very positve But that's the whole point of what I'm trying to do. In other words, even if I'm feeling bad, I want to try and find some positive things to write about. Otherwise it just all gets far too monotonous and, well,.....depressing. Not that I'm going to start ignoring my bad feelings, I'm just wanting to try and achieve more

Joanna

Joanna

 

Something Different

I had a surge of more positive energy this evening and I thought I'd strike while the iron was hot and write about a couple of positive things - this won't take long It strikes me that perhaps one reason why I feel so negative a lot of the time is because I am overly pre-occupied with expressing and analyzing my negative thoughts. I know that sounds blindingly obvious...... But in some way I think I was hoping that if I just kept on writing about how bad I was feeling, I'd somehow get it out o

Joanna

Joanna

 

Going Backwards

I feel like I'm going backwards and I just can't seem to turn things around at the moment. The main problem is my bingeing, which is totally out of control and has been now for days. I am really disgusted with myself. I feel like a big bloated blob. When I said in an earlier blog that I don't gain much weight on my binges, that is by no means to say that I don't gain any weight. Of course I do gain weight. Just, I am able to take it off again. But of course that is really bad for my body. The wh

Joanna

Joanna

 

Please Can Tomorrow Be The Day......

.....that I start taking better care of myself again. Please can tomorrow be the day that I don't need to rely on food to get me through. Please can tomorrow be the day that I respect my body and my health again. Please can tomorrow be the day that I wake up and want to do something good for myself. Please can tomorrow be the day that my motivation comes back. Please can tomorrow be the day that I stop making excuses. Please can tomorrow be the day that I'm able to put some of my good int

Joanna

Joanna

 

Priorities

Thinking more about what I wrote in my last entry I'm very aware that some of my priorities are a bit skewed. To say the least. I really want to try and make amends. One of my aims and priorities is to increase my productivity and level of functioning in the world. By that I mean live in such a way that I feel better about myself and my life. I am SO tired of feeling hampered, weighed down and held back by guilt, depression, anxiety, addictive/compulsive behavior, lack of discipline, dysfunct

Joanna

Joanna

 

Getting Real

I feel like I wasn't being real in my last entry. I mean it's one thing to try and distract myself from my feelings, but it's another to pretend certain things aren't happening, when they are. My loss of control around food has been shocking these last few days. I need to at least write that down and record it as a fact. I am very good at disassociating myself from what I'm doing. In other words, while my hand is spooning food into my mouth, I'm somehow able to distance myself from the reality

Joanna

Joanna

 

Feeling Broody

I'm still doing really badly food-wise and I feel pretty terrible, but instead of beating myself up I'm trying to let things take their course and, in the meantime, to occupy my mind with happier things (not sure if this is just an elaborate form of denial??). I have been looking at pictures of homeless puppies at a couple of animal shelters...... It seems my maternal instincts have always been directed towards dogs. I feel about puppies the way most other women feel about babies. I have never

Joanna

Joanna

 

Where Have All The Good Feelings Gone?

Well I am back home safely and I'm very grateful for that. But the good feelings I'd been hoping for are not happening. Typically, when I return from these trips, I experience a kind of euphoria for the first few days. Or at least the first few hours. But not this time. I did feel extremely relieved when our plane touched down, but as soon as I entered the terminal building I felt the urge to binge. That's a really bad sign for me. It wasn't helped by the fact that I hadn't eaten for 24 hours.

Joanna

Joanna

 

Life Goes On

My Dad's funeral was on Thursday and it was definitely less traumatic than I had been fearing. It was still really sad and I cried a lot, but it didn't make me go over the top. And in some ways I even found it to be a calming experience. I am very grateful for that. I had been especially worried about seeing my Dad's coffin and not being able to handle that. So we arranged for me to "view" the coffin first at the chapel of rest of the funeral place. That way I was able to spend some time with

Joanna

Joanna

 

Hanging In There

(((((((Wonderful DF Friends)))))))) THANK YOU SO MUCH for being there. My sleep pattern is totally out of whack and I got up at about 4.00 English time this morning, which, at least, is helpful in terms of catching up on DF! But I know I'm going to pay the price later today when I start feeling tired again. Overall I am hanging in there, and I'm definitely doing a lot better than I was when I wrote my last entry. I am SO relieved to have been able to make that flight over here yesterday. I

Joanna

Joanna

 

Not Wanting To Make This Journey

I've started about 4 different blog entries over the past couple of days but just keep giving up because I can't stand the things I'm writing. I keep hoping so much that I'll start feeling a bit better - or at least a bit stronger - but instead I just keep feeling worse. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm doing the best I can and that this is what grief feels like and I will get through it. But those words are really wearing thin. I am having the hardest time with my fears and anxiety. I just

Joanna

Joanna

 

To My Beautiful Dad

I wrote this letter to my Dad. I don't think I will be able to read it at his funeral because I will be too emotional. I may ask the funeral director to place the letter in my Dad's coffin. I want to share this letter here because that makes this tribute to my Dad more real. Thanks so much for listening Daddy, my heart is breaking now that you are gone. I am in so much pain and I wish you were here to comfort me. I love you and miss you more than I ever thought possible. Can you still feel my

Joanna

Joanna

 

Fearing The Funeral Service

*******Possible Trigger************ I talk about death and coffins and funerals and cremation throughout in this entry and I don't want to upset anyone so please don't read on if you are sensitive about these things and very many apologies if I do unintentionally upset anyone Thank you so much again to everyone who left me such incredibly kind and loving comments. I've never in my life had this experience of support and I am so moved. I cried a lot when I read and re-read your comforting w

Joanna

Joanna

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