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About this blog

Just thoughts and such

Entries in this blog

 

Nothing else to do

So I have been blogging multiple times a day  on my other site. I dont have anything else to do. Well, i could be doing homework, and I did do a great deal of it today, but otherwise nothing. No one to talk to or do anything with. SO yesterday I went online and bought two maxi dresses, just casual ones. Why? Because I had nothing else to do. Here I am trying to get out of debt and I am creating more debt because I feel so crummy. People say, get out, go for a walk, go exercise. Go do something.

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Nothing Has Changed

So I'm still working at Belk. I feel pretty alone there. I mean, there are a few people who I will talk to but for the most part I dont have any friends. heckle and Jeckle irk me most of the time, especially Jeckle. I mean, she thinks she is too good to even respond to a good morning. Forget her. Sometimes i will catch my reflection in a mirror as i am walking by and all i see is a fat, sweaty, very unhappy looking person. I hate the way I look. I never smile. I feel very sad today, very lo

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

trying to maintain

first, this site confuses me now. it's not easy to get around anymore. I dont even see the login when i come to this page. Once it took me 30 minutes to find my blog and then figure out how to post.  anyway, today has been a bleah day. i have a job now, part time. it's ok, just started. im lonely. i have no friends.  there is no one to talk to. the ritalin has me up and down, sleepy and down. i hate it. i stopped being a christian. i admit it. i got tired of trying to figure out what it was

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

It has been a while

Nothing has changed. Still in school. Sick of it. Peach graduated with honors and is about to start her second job. She has an apt too. David is working a regular job now. His wife babysits too. Brian was on again and now he is off again. Just stopped talking to me. Same with Ambi. I haven't been to the gym since last August. I am sad and lost and I wish it were over. Done. This is hell. Waking up feeling hopeless, empty, alone and lonely. I don't want to do anything. I just don't care anymore.

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Interview

SO I have an interview for Wendys tomorrow. Do I hope I get it? I don't know. If I do fine. If not, oh well. I'm still agonizing over Debora and her dislike of me. In turn I now dislike her. I really wanted us to be friends but she's being a real Biotch about it so screw her. yesterday I actually couldnt finish my dinner. I felt sad. I still feel sad. I want to stay under the covers forever.

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Update

I haven't blogged here in a while, so this is sort of an update. I almost forgot about this site. Usually I come here when I am feeling down, and that's why I'm here today. Ok, so I actually got VA disability for anxiety and depression which shocked me because it happened so quickly and they gave me a 50% rating. I'm working on getting vocational rehab to help me pay for school since I can't get financial aid anymore. I'm still doing the computer thing and to be honest, I hate it. I mean, I

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Just Sleeping

been popping klonopin every four hours or so along with tylenol pm or whatever else i have to make me sleepy. I havent been eating. Had an Atkin shake but that was it. headed to raleigh t get P tmorrow. cant sleep for too long. turning in early tonight to rid myself of the utter emtiness, just so much emptiness,

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Trying To Hang

It has been awhile. Today was another stress filled day. I allowed myself to get caught up in Richard's funky attitude. He is still in a "I don't want to talk" mood. When I say that I mean he doesn't want to have a conversation with me about anything. I acted foolishly, bombarding him with silly texts saying just tell me it's over already! Then I filled up his voicemail with empty messages so no one else can leave him a message. He shut his phone off so he wouldn't hear me call him. It has bee

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Short Short

I got a B in English. Let me tell you something, I worked very hard for that B, so it is the one grade I am most proud of. If God wasn't with me I would have failed for sure. I'm taking 4 classes this semester. I was going to sit the semester out but I decided I needed to keep moving because if I stop, I might not want to keep on with college. I am working on studying for my permit. I really need my license. Next semester I am going to take a math class and more EDU classes. During the summer,

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Let Them Wait

I had a lot of time to think about things on the bus ride from Raleigh. I thought about the people I call friends. I thought about how close we aren't and I wondered why I talk to them at all. I started removing numbers from my cell phone last week. I figure if they never answer my texts or anything, then what's the point. I thought about Maxine and how I will drop her emails for a week and it takes her two weeks to answer them. She is NOT that busy. And even if she is, she usually sends me a on

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Here We Go Again

It has been a while since I last wrote. I am taking English 11, which I hate. The teacher asks for so much. I just don't feel that I can do it. I should be reading but I decided to write this blog instead. Let me run the latest down for you. 1. I am fat. Not a little but a lot. I gained 30 pounds since I lost all that weight. I look and feel awful. The worst part is I'm not doing anything about it. If anything, I am making it worse by eating bread and junk. Shannon is gone for the next two week

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

What, Me, Paranoid?

So I made a copy of the psych's progress notes he sent to my doctor. He wrote I am sometimes paranoid. Gee thanks. I dunno. Maybe he is right. When I start thinking about stuff regarding Richard, nobody believes me. I'm not stupid, though. I know he slept with Christie and other women out there on the road. The reason he won't sleep with me is because he probably has some tart out there he's screwing on a regular basis. I know his company sends him all over, but you know what? People can follow.

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Nobody Greater

That song is stuck in my head. I wish hearing it would help me feel better. I got up and went to church today. Was greeted by the whole congregation. I felt pretty ok. Then I came home and everything changed. I don't know if it is because I started thinking about school work for next week or what, but right now I feel so incredibly depressed. I mean, I don't even feel like going to the VA tomorrow. And I know I don't feel like doing my homework. I just want to hide. I wish I could talk to David

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Update On My Mindless Ranting

Ok, so I go to the psych. He does everything I ask him to. The VA loses the script on their end. It took 2 weeks and two phone calls but my doctor finally called me and told me to deliver the scripts and the progress notes personally. That is what I am going to do on Monday. I filled the prozac, wellbutrin, klonopin. I could not afford the lamictal, even as a generic. I started taking them on Monday. The first day I was wired. The wellbutrin had me zipping along in my homework. Day two, still

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Some Mindless Ranting

Yes, I am still bleah. I did not go to church today. That's twice in a row I have missed plus about a month of not going to prayer. Why? No motivation. No desire. No zeal. No anything. I wanted to go to church today but when the time came to get up I heard Law and Order on tv and became more interested in that than praising the Lord. If Richard had not come home I still would not have cracked open my bible to read like I did the other night. I do not know how long it is going to take for the VA

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Shoo!

Can't seem to get these blues out of here. I tried to do some reading today but it was HARD. I did not go to church today. I was so sleepy and plus I just didn't feel like it. Bennie sayds I'm glowing. No, I don't think so. I think I am really slipping. I don't know what is taking Lonestar so long to do what it is supposed to sdo so I can get my meds. All I know is I am down to a little bit of klonopin and I still have geodon, neither of which seem to be doing anything at the moment. I feel like

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Struggling

I ma still trying to accept David's new life. Every time I think about what she has and what I wanted I get angry inside. I feel gypped. But what does it matter now? Soon he is going to be a father again and there is nothing I can do about anything.

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Another Day, So What

I'm depressed. I'm in the right place. There is no one to talk to right now so I decided to blog a bit. Brian has been a complete jerk. For almost 2 weeks he did not have the courtesy to tell me, hey, I'm not feeling well so I'm going off the grid for a little while until I feel better. No. And then when he finally talks to me it's as if nothing happened. No, I'm sorry I did not tell you what was going on. I was worried. Then I thought he was mad at me. Now he acts like all is cool after blowin

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

The End? Maybe

So I haven't talked to David in weeks. he does not respond to my texts anymore. I texted him to call me tonight but I don't think he will. I feel hurt. If this is the way he wants it then why not say so? At this point in the game I feel like I never ever ever want to get that close to anyone ever again. This is the second time we have been through this and the last time it hurt. It hurt for 7 years. The thing with Maxine hurt for 14 years. In fact, it still kind of hurts today because we have th

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

The Real Deal

So I talked to david the other night. he called me. turns out his wife is a nut and she is the one who wanted to get married so fast and he pays all the bills. she takes off every time they argue. she sounds like me 4 years ago. i hope he calls me tonight. i need to hear someone else's problems for once.

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Brian

Here we come to this person named Brian. I mentioned him before. I started to feel like he wasn't paying enough attention to me since he got with his girlfriend we will call A. I couldn't talk to him anymore like I used to. Before he would be concerned about my well being, calling me if he had not heard from me. I appreciated that very much. Then he met her and they fell in love, and just like David, everything changed. Now his focus is on A all the time. He texts me and sends me pictures of he

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Life Goes On

I feel like I am beginning to come to terms with this whole thing regarding David and Deborah. None of it matters anymore. He called and left some lame message but he did not ask me to call him back so I didn't. Life goes on. I have school coming up in August. I have Shannon and Richard to think about, bills to pay. WHy have I spent so much time thinking about them? I am still hurt by his words and I am honestly in no hurry to have a conversation because all he is going to do is lecture. I'll ge

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Alone

That's how I feel right now. I emailed and texted a good number of people yesterday and no one has written me back. I feel forgotten. I even sent Akua an email. I know I said I would never mention their name here again. I can't help it. i want her to be my friend again. I want to talk to David, Deborah. I feel so lonely inside that it hurts. The few friends I have are just gone. David took himself and Deborah away. Akua won't forgive me for anything. I have Merce and Brian. That's it. No more.

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

So Now What

Ok, I am stupid and pushy. I kept texting David until he finally called me and told me in so many word to stop trying to stir things up. I don't know if I like him anymore. I just don't know. I texted him hello yesterday and told myself I will not text him again until 30 days have passed. That way he cannot say I am bothering him. That's what he always says. I don't think he is as busy as he says. And I also think the only reason he is busy is because he chooses to do everything for everyone at

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

Can't Sleep

David got married this past weekend. A reception is being held on the 22nd. Good for them. I talked to him briefly yesterday and something occurred to me. He sold me out. He never explained to Deborah about me and my mood swings. He didn't even stick up for me. Instead I think he just told her in a nice way that I am not stable and it is not a good time to talk to her. If that is the case then I am really hurt. I hope it is not the case but it has been bugging me ever since that day. I also thin

dondi2538

dondi2538

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