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About this blog

Just some thoughts an experiences I've had on my journey in and out of depression and anxiety. 

Entries in this blog

The healing road

It has been a long time since I entered a blog entry. I am not sure anyone will even read this. But it helps to get things out there. I've been seeing a psychologist for almost 3 years. I have tried so many drugs too, none seem to help at this point. I am now realizing I need to start healing without drugs. I had a good run with Paxil (12 years), but nothing has helped since. I now realize there were/are many events in my life that led me to this moment. I do believe brain chemistry has a lot to

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Fighting through, ups and downs

It has been awhile since an update. I am not taking only 200mg of Lamotragine, and Clonazepam for anxiety when needed. I ramped up on the Lamotragine and weaned off of Prozac, because I did not believe the Prozac was helping. I am not sure if the Lamotragine is helping yet, maybe a bit with depression, but the anxiety is still ruling my life at this point.  There have been some positive episodes, where I think I am turning a corner, but then the next day is hard again. I am seeing a psychol

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Ketamine and beyond

Been a little bit since I entered anything, Sept 29th actually.  I had my first (and last) ketamine injection on Oct 1. It was not the spray, it was an injection. Supposed to do at least 4, maybe 8 sessions. Do the shot, experience the effects, then talk about stuff. My doc had me put on headphones with some playlist he thought would help the experience. And an eye mask. About 3-4 minutes after the shot it hit me. No long description here, but I did wonder if I was dead a few times. Not all plea

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Time

Was thinking today, as I do many days, about how i got to this point. A couple years ago I was a different person, but I was on Paxil when it was still working. I think one of the biggest issues is how I feel about spare time and how I feel alone. I used to enjoy spending time alone, and never worry about what to do with my time. I would find something to to, or simply be OK with doing nothing. Now I am a total mess and get super anxious and depressed when I have spare time, especially alone. I'

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Lows

Why now? What is changing? The last two days have been incredibly tough, depression and anxiety increasing. Just do damn sad. Sad and nervous. Just want to take a magic pill and feel good for a little bit... or sleep for 3 days....  Been off of Effexor for 10 days, wonder if that withdrawal has something to do with it. I did taper off of it though, from 150, to 112.5, to 75, to 37.5, to nothing, over about a 4-5 week timeframe. All I can say now is the 30mg of Prozac does not seem to be doing an

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When?

Waiting, waiting, its so damn hard and tiring. I have tapered off of Effexor and this is my 6th day with none. My 100th or so day on Prozac, 30mg. I have to say this has been some of the toughest days though. I think coming off the Effexor was harder than I thought. I did not think it was working, that is why I switched to Prozac, but each time I cut down on it 37.5mg at a time I swear I felt worse. The Prozac is just not cutting it. Its hard to describe what the days feel like. There is the anx

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Rough one

Well, its been a rough couple days. Wish I could attribute it to something concrete, but the only think that has changed really is I went from 30mg of Prozac to 40mg 7 days ago. I had to go out of town for a work event yesterday and feel so out of it, heightened social anxiety, which is bad because I need to talk to all kinds of people for my job. I just don't know what to do with myself, back at the hotel now and am anxious about what to do. Also sort of depressed. I just don't feel like doing

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Weight

Its our 27th wedding anniversary today. Hard to believe sometimes. I was scared as shit to get married at 25. But I knew she was too good to let go for some more years of bachelorhood. We have endured some tough times, but all marriages do. It was only this year I confessed just how bad my depression and anxiety is. The Paxil did a nice job of masking that for many years. Now that I battle without a magic pill, confiding in my wife is critical. I did not want to at first, did not want to appear

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Booze

Funny how alcohol became such a big part of my life without me really knowing it. It started way back when I was probably 11 or 12. I remember the way it made me feel, so good, so happy, so carefree. The first time I drank was when I stayed at a friends house and we found some wine. Drank so much I passed out and threw up, woke up with my head in the cat litter. Could have choked on my own vomit... survived that. Not that much later I chugged a bottle of vermouth at a friends house and passed ou

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Why?

I ask that a lot lately. When things seem to be good, and my mind is super worried or down... why? Its just this anchor, it wants to pull me down no matter what. I can find things to be happy about, but there it is, that force, that argues with me and tells me I'm not alright for some reason. Yes, I have been learning strategies to cope with this, but I guess it takes time, and some times I am better at it than others. Today seems to be another struggle. Friday I work from home, and I was lazy g

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Oscillations

Another day, but different. After having a decent feeling last night, all day today was riddled with anxiety and negativity. I was working from home today, and did not have a lot to do, so that probably added to it. Not sure why some days, some hours, are better or worse than others. I mean, what is going on in my brain? What are my neurons, electrical signals, and chemicals up to in my brain? I mean, thats what makes us who we are, right? Alter a neurotransmitter, or stimulate one part of the b

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Office day

Today started like the rest, woke up early, the feeling of dread creeping in. I go into the office on Tue and Thu, and its a 2hr commute each way. I'm not sure why, but somewhere along the line I became very uncomfortable and nervous when I have nothing to do. I did not used to be that way. I used to enjoy idle time, and alone time. Now being alone with nothing to do spikes my anxiety. Its been very strange since the Paxil stopped working. I really felt on top of everything then, and now its lik

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Day 2

Day started like most. Waking up early, but not as early as I used to. In the last year or so I have started waking up around 5:00AM, and cannot fall back asleep. I think its the anxiety. Today I woke up at 6:30. I lay there, thinking I can get more rest, but end up just thinking about stuff. It usually starts ramping up my anxiety, so I finally give up and get out of bed. I take .25 of Klonopin and force some breakfast down. Today was a work from home day, and my wife was out of the house. With

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The beginning

Not sure what compelled me to start this blog. I have a journal I keep, but I guess sharing some of my story feels good somehow, just knowing I'm not alone out there and letting others know they are not alone, maybe there can be some relief in reading others experiences and stories... I grew up an only child, I was adopted. I was a shy kid, and had problems in school with behavior. I always acted out and wanted to make people laugh at my expense. My parents divorced when I was 12. 7th and 8

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