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nojoy

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About this blog

A New Chapter

I have made the decision to begin a new chapter. Not sure where it will go, only that going backwards will be difficult to overcome. Already I can feel the negative thought seeping into my brain... telling me not to bother because I will never get anywhere but here.

I want to get away from working directly with young children. I love those little stinkers but the RA is making it hard to get up from a chair designed for a 4 yr old. Teaching and caring for little ones is the only job I know how to do. After my mother passed away I took classes for medical coding and electronic health records, even passed the certification tests for both. Applied and interviewed for several jobs in the medical field but no joy. I didn't have the experience in a medical office or customer service ( has that person ever had to tell a parent in denial that their precious child hit or bit or spit on several children in class.  talk about how  unwelcome news and irate parents is not customer service, I would like to see one of those interviewers handle that situation. And mentally and emotionally, i tired every day, feel useless and not appreciated. And its not just the parents, its the admin staff and co-workers. 

My work hours changed for mornings to afternoons. The childcare director asked me if I would be available to sub in the mornings. I sounded very snarky when I responded, "well that's why you scheduled me for afternoons, isn't it" It went right over her head, but another teacher heard me and walked away laughing because this woman has no clue most of the time.

Entries in this blog

My family is ......

I don't know what to call these people in this family.  I have been used & abused by them.  Several things this past 2 weeks have just triggered the depression. First, my dad's last brother died.  I called my older brother & asked him to let the younger one know.  You don't 'shoot' someone a text to inform them a death. So I called him. Kept it very short because of his abusive behavior.  Two days later, I get this call from his number but its not him.  Not sure who the woman was bu

nojoy

nojoy in joy

feeling ok is not enough

I have given up on ever feeling good.  Maybe feeling ok is good enough.  I feel like something is missing.  What that something is I don't know.    

nojoy

nojoy

trigger alert

I have been doing better.  More on an even level, no feeling down. I'm doing what the therapist suggests, doing things in small steps, telling myself its ok if I don't get everything done. Every 2 weeks my niece & I go to lunch & stores (we really have to stop going to the craft/fabric stores & thrift shops) because except for going out to get cat food & cigarettes, I don'' walk out the door & if I do I would look to see anyone was around (neighbor or stranger). Until a

nojoy

nojoy

today's visit with the therapist

So I talked to the therapist about the situation with the family meeting at a bar for dinner and how I feel about it.  She keeps reminding me that it is okay to tell people 'no' & feel guilty about it.  I have been dwelling on this for over a week, rehearsing what I really want to say about this plan & thinking about what they will say.  Let's just say that my brain is a merry-go-round that never stops  & the very few times that it does stop , it leaves me feeling anxious/guilty

nojoy

nojoy

Changing medicines

Met on Zoom with  the doctor who manages my meds.   she is concerned about my blood pressure being high.  I keep telling her that it will be high when I'm feeling anxious especially when dealing with people (yes, even on a  zoom meeting).  So she changed the anxiety med to clonidine which is a blood pressure medicine but is used off label (I think that's the correct terminology) for anxiety.  So we shall see how it goes. Something has been going thru my brain on/off for some time now.  I'm

nojoy

nojoy

Still ruminating about this morning

Earlier today, I was at Walmart.  Now I know my niece(technically she married my nephew)  & her mother shop there on Sunday mornings, so I go  after noon.   Not today,  I run into them.  If I had seen them sooner I would have gone the other way.  I have gotten to the point where I don't like to be around her.  She has a mouth but forgets to listen to her brain before speaking.  She knows the history I have with all of the narcs in my family.  (Still trying to figure out how I did not become

nojoy

nojoy

Thoughts running thru my brain lately

As the title says, I have had a couple of thoughts that have been running/racing thru my brain, awake, asleep. listening to my strange collection of music, the thoughts keep talking. One thought is that I have discovered that people always disappoint me.  Be it family or one of the few friends I got, I always get disappointed.  I know how I am treated by them but I still keep hoping that one day they will surprise me & actually acknowledge me or not just contact me when they need me.  I

nojoy

nojoy

narcissism is it genetics or environment?

So I have been having this question running through my head lately.   I've been reading alot about narcissism  and looking at my own family, I have to wonder how the heck I survived living with so many  of them.  I'm not perfect & I realize that I may have a couple of the traits of a narcissist. I am surprised by how many of my family may be narcissistic.  I know my dad was diagnosed in 69/70 with depression.  My mother was a narcissist.  Both of my brothers have many traits of narcissi

nojoy

nojoy

my mind keeps looping past events

Every day, every hour, every minute, my mind goes back to past events.  As the negative events outweigh the very few good events, the bad events are the one my mind automatically go to & continually loop through my conscious & subconscious  thoughts. it used to be that I could escape these thoughts by crocheting or listening to music or retreating into a make-believe world of my own creation but the thoughts keep finding me.  There is no escape from them. They insert their selves into wh

nojoy

nojoy

my own world

my own world was very good for me... until I let people in. Then it became another step closer to the dark hole of depression.  The only way I know to keep disappointment (a trigger for my depression) from occurring in my own world is to stop interacting with people I know.  Strangers treat me better than my family and friends.   A funny story about why I am back here writing my thoughts & feelings.  I figured out how to password protect a document.  Until I forgot what the password is.

nojoy

nojoy

Leaving

I couldn't decide where to post this. Not everyone needs to see this. Dear Friends, When I found this site, I thought it was great.  I found others like myself who have lived with mental health problems & a hope to crawl out of that dark hole I found myself in so many days. Unfortunately, I am leaving Depression Forums. The time has come for me to what is out there. Another world.  (not in the literal sense, but in the wide world of the internet or perhaps another defeated sou

nojoy

nojoy

visit with therapist

What I really wanted to title this was Suicidal or homicidal. Why you might ask?  I met with the therapist yesterday & in talking about how I have been feeling frustrated & overwhelmed since the reduced dosage of zoloft.  I have gone from feeling empty emotionally to being frustrated, angry & overwhelmed.  She asked if I was suicidal.  I said no, She asked if I felt homicidal.  My response was if people don't leave me the H alone, then someone was going to get  slapped up side the he

nojoy

nojoy

I'm a *itch now

And I hate my family. And knowing how they are, I should be use to giving in & doing what they want. Herein lies the problems.  I was raised to be polite. (seems like i'm the only who was raised with manners. So when I make plans with someone, I follow through or if I can't for some reason I will let you know well before the appointed time & it will be a very good reason (like death or profuse bleeding.  My family doesn't seem to understand that they behavior of cancelling at the la

nojoy

nojoy

telling which version of the story is true.

As I said before (I think) I come here to write my thoughts and feelings, because the real life family would not think of looking here. So my great-niece texts me that she is taking college classes (again) & is doing well.   A few days later, my niece (her mother) sends a link to this girl's twitter & she has moved out of her boyfriend's place; she's going to model again (that's what she moved to CA 3 years ago to do) & she's pregnant & life is going to be wonderful. I

nojoy

nojoy

Insanity

Einstein said Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I keep doing the same things over and over expecting things to be different, therefore I am insane.  I am kind to people. I am nice. I help when I can. I give my love to others.  I treat others as I want want to be treated.  I  am constantly bombarded by negative thoughts.  To the point where I am unable to do the simplest chore, waking to negative thoughts, replaying incidents that

nojoy

nojoy

If this is what life has become ...

The title says it all. Fill in the blank with whatever words I choose? What words would I choose?  Every word I think of is a negative. So why bother?  All the positive self-talk in the world will not help me change my thinking.  My life has been nothing but negative experiences.  So how can I know what is positive?   I have "faked happy" my way through life.  No one would ever think that I was severely depressed.  I made the statement in a text to a family member that 'I did not

nojoy

nojoy

another bday to be forgotten

I wrote somewhere (in notebook, here or somewhere) that I ignored the 2 Ds birthday b/c they ignored mine since their grandmother died.  Because of that,  I actually got a bday card  & gift to restaurant that I got food poisoning at before.  So far the only [person who has acknowledge my bday is my niece & the psych doctor office annual bday greeting Today has been hard b/c of the constant tears, a reduction in zoloft, & something I cannot label b/c I don't know how to explain i

nojoy

nojoy

a bad start to a new year

2020 was an bit better than 2019.  Had minor depressed periods but nothing I couldn't handle.  Christmas wasn't too bad. I did learn that whatever I tell daughter 1, she runs to tell daughter 2.  A couple of weeks before I mentioned that her sister would have some nerve to come considering that I hadn't heard from her since Christmas  2019.  Christmas 2020, I asked if daughter 1 if daughter 2  was going to show up. That began the "you said she couldn't come". Nope that was not what I said'

nojoy

nojoy

I could cancel Christmas by lying that I'm sick

It would be so easy to send a text to the family that there will be no Christmas dinner or exchange at my house because I'm sick.  Really I am sick....sick of trying to make everyone happy... sick of being taken advantage of... sick of making plans with one particular family member & always her forgetting those plans to hang out with her daughter or she 'forgot' we had plans or she fell asleep. I was being nice by having 2 separate dinners on Christmas Day so that my brother with copd 

nojoy

nojoy

being taken for granted

I let too many people in my life take me for granted.  More precisely i let my family do this.  I have no friends only acquaintances because I was always the person to go to when someone need help but when I needed them no one was around.  It is easy to have no friends because there is no expectations and no disappointment. Therapist asked why I let people take advantage of me. Because I was raised that it was my place in life to help others. And if I don't I feel guilt. Today my broth

nojoy

nojoy

and the holidays just keep getting worse as the day get closer

And the holidays just keep getting worse as Christmas approach.  I'm tired of people asking how are we doing Christmas. My older brother has crohn's & copd, my younger brother lost his 2nd wife in March from complications of H1N1,plus he has a new girlfriend. I have not seen the younger daughter since she nearly ran me down in the road nor has she responded to the email, text FB message from January I sent asking what she wanted to do with the 2 dressers & closet full of clothes & 7

nojoy

nojoy

the dreaded holidays

and so begins the hurt, disappointment, and hidden tears. Oldest child called about being id'ed buying a lottery ticket (she's 34) which led into what she was making for thanksgiving with her husband's family. I stopped doing dinner about 3 years ago when I was sick and haven't done it since. And what are 'we' doing for christmas or "are you even doing christmas this year" Don't know where that can from but I wish I could. It's bad enough that I feel guilty for not doing thanksgiving but the gui

nojoy

nojoy

Thoughts

My thoughts were destroying me.          I tried not to think. But silence was a killer too.        ---unknown

nojoy

nojoy

stupid is as stupid does

Yep, that's me...stupid.  I felt like doing something. so I pulled out the Christmas recipes that I didn't fix for Christmas.  unfortunately I made the daughter who left favorite Christmas ham tartlets.  I should have know not to fix that but I already had everything ready.  just another stupid thing I've done .  Christmas was terrible. daughter #2 came in, handed me a flower and said here merry Christmas and not another word to me. This was the daughter who would talk all the time, the one

nojoy

nojoy

today's thoughts 1/4/20

got up, ate toast for breakfast, cup of tea, smoked, went back to bed for 2 hours. repeated several times today (meaning every day I do this) unless I have an appt or the cats need food or litter.  had plans to bake some stuff that didn't get done before Christmas, but gave up because daughter #2 had always helped. which led to thoughts of how she treated me Christmas day, handed me a flower plant and said merry Christmas. not another word did she speak to me. I found out about her graduati

nojoy

nojoy

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