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nojoy

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About this blog

A New Chapter

I have made the decision to begin a new chapter. Not sure where it will go, only that going backwards will be difficult to overcome. Already I can feel the negative thought seeping into my brain... telling me not to bother because I will never get anywhere but here.

I want to get away from working directly with young children. I love those little stinkers but the RA is making it hard to get up from a chair designed for a 4 yr old. Teaching and caring for little ones is the only job I know how to do. After my mother passed away I took classes for medical coding and electronic health records, even passed the certification tests for both. Applied and interviewed for several jobs in the medical field but no joy. I didn't have the experience in a medical office or customer service ( has that person ever had to tell a parent in denial that their precious child hit or bit or spit on several children in class.  talk about how  unwelcome news and irate parents is not customer service, I would like to see one of those interviewers handle that situation. And mentally and emotionally, i tired every day, feel useless and not appreciated. And its not just the parents, its the admin staff and co-workers. 

My work hours changed for mornings to afternoons. The childcare director asked me if I would be available to sub in the mornings. I sounded very snarky when I responded, "well that's why you scheduled me for afternoons, isn't it" It went right over her head, but another teacher heard me and walked away laughing because this woman has no clue most of the time.

Entries in this blog

 

Thoughts

My thoughts were destroying me.          I tried not to think. But silence was a killer too.        ---unknown

nojoy

nojoy

 

stupid is as stupid does

Yep, that's me...stupid.  I felt like doing something. so I pulled out the Christmas recipes that I didn't fix for Christmas.  unfortunately I made the daughter who left favorite Christmas ham tartlets.  I should have know not to fix that but I already had everything ready.  just another stupid thing I've done .  Christmas was terrible. daughter #2 came in, handed me a flower and said here merry Christmas and not another word to me. This was the daughter who would talk all the time, the one

nojoy

nojoy

 

today's thoughts 1/4/20

got up, ate toast for breakfast, cup of tea, smoked, went back to bed for 2 hours. repeated several times today (meaning every day I do this) unless I have an appt or the cats need food or litter.  had plans to bake some stuff that didn't get done before Christmas, but gave up because daughter #2 had always helped. which led to thoughts of how she treated me Christmas day, handed me a flower plant and said merry Christmas. not another word did she speak to me. I found out about her graduati

nojoy

nojoy

 

despondency in the real world

I'm feeling hopeless again. not as bad as before, thanks to the change in meds taking the edge off. Christmas, nothing went right. I felt that I messed up everything from the food to the gifts. the daughter that left because she couldn't stand my drama, came from Christmas. In the past, she helped with the baking (which didn't get done), prepping and cooking the food and the clean-up. She didn't say much to me except merry Christmas when she handed me the flowers. She told her sister a

nojoy

nojoy

 

More thoughts on positive quotes

This is how I attempt to overcome the negative thoughts that keep repeating in my head. So for today's quotes and thoughts: Stop thinking about everything so much,  you're breaking your own heart. Don't expect to get what you give, not everyone has a heart like you. I think that is part of my problem. I give and give and get nothing back. Then I think and think about what I give and what I get and my heart breaks. I get disappointed and then I lose hope and trust in peop

nojoy

nojoy

 

Thoughts and Emotions

--- There is nothing in this world that can trouble you more than your own thoughts. So true. My own thoughts have nearly sent me over the edge. Not the thoughts of the future but the thoughts of the past. I try to relive and change the past in my thoughts. The couldas, shouldas and wouldas haunt me often . I  try hard to push them away and not let the thoughts of the past control my present. But the thoughts of the past keep surfacing. I have to keep pushing them away for my own sake. Whic

nojoy

nojoy

 

Quotes that make me think

"You don't always need a  plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens." Life is scary for me if I don't have a plan or at least some idea of what the worst could happen.  I have learned to breathe through the overthinking and negative thoughts. I've been hurt too many times to trust. I am learning there are a few people I can trust with some thoughts and feelings. Let Go and See What Happens!!   Whoa, that is a major step. I'm not sure that I

nojoy

nojoy

 

Another new thought

I keep seeing these quotes on facebook. And sometimes one will stick in my thoughts. So I have found that if I write about what I think of the quotes, it helps me in a good way. Today's quote:                 "You're not being selfish for wanting to be treated well" I wonder how many of us with depression have been brainwashed into believing that others should come first and our feelings don't matter and it doesn't matter how we are treated. I was taught that my entire life.

nojoy

nojoy

 

Shikata ga nai

Shikata ga nai            If you can't do anything about it, let it go.   Good advice, but I have found that I cannot let things go because of the depression/anxiety. Those two demons won't allow me to let go of the past. I just have to keep trying to change the way I responded to situations, things I should have, could have done and can't change now. Those thoughts won't help me when I encounter similar situations.  Those were my thoughts in the past. Today, I challenge myself to

nojoy

nojoy

 

lesson learned

I read this on facebook.                               Biggest lesson learned this year is probably                                    to not give so much of yourself to people who                                   will not do the same for you. Unfortunately,  I was taught it is my place in the world to take care of others. That it is also better to give than receive.  It is also difficult to put myself first. After a year and a half of therapy, I see that I have been d

nojoy

nojoy

 

life goes on part 2

As I said before life goes on whether we want it to or not. Some days are better than others and some days aren't worth getting out of bed. I did the chair yoga class last evening and got a workout that wore me out.  What did I do when I got home...fixed something to eat then look through the forums and fell asleep in the chair, woke up about 12:30 am, went to bed and slept til 10 am. I have never felt this relaxed in forever. So for me today, life is going good.  If I could average 4

nojoy

nojoy

 

life goes on

Life goes on, doesn't it? It doesn't matter if you suffer from a mental or physical disorder. life goes on. Somedays it seems that I can get on board with what life brings and somedays I have to give in. most days I give in. when I tried to go along with what life brings, the anxiety ramps up which leads to the depression  going up. sometimes it either a day of depression or a day of anxiety or a day of both. I ask questions and get no answers. I say one thing and everyone assumes something dras

nojoy

nojoy

 

lost of a supportive friend

I met a lady who was having similar problems and we seem to hit it off. For a few months we talked back in forth online. We both had major changes in our lives. Hers was positive, mine negative. Now it appears that I have lost another person who has had enough of my drama. I will miss her very much. I am glad she has moved on and her life has improved. She deserves every happiness that has come her way. I will miss her. She was probably the only person I have ever truly expressed my thoughts to.

nojoy

nojoy

 

silence

Hello darkness my old friend I've come to talk to you again The Sound of Silence silence the world I live in. the only thing I have in life. an old friend I should be familiar with. an old friend I hate. the only friend I have in life. oh how I hate this friend. I wish I could eliminate this friend. I know what happened the last time I talked about the deafening silence and I won't go the way again. how long can I last with only silence in my life.

nojoy

nojoy

 

Life seems to be getting better and other thoughts

Life seems to be getting better for me. An increase in Prozac to 60 mg has helped stabilize the depression. I listen to several of Michael Sealey's guided meditations at night. I have started going to a chair yoga class. I have noticed that I don't get quite as frustrated  or overwhelmed as before.  I am successfully working on clearing out the small bedroom which had become a storage unit. I have 10 bags of clothes and linens and just as many boxes to be picked up by the DAV thrift shop. A

nojoy

nojoy

 

0 - 10 depression/anxiety scale

0 - no depression/anxiety.. 10 - the worse than worse level Me? I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm not frustrated or overwhelmed.  Me...… I'm 'meh'. Where does 'meh' fit on the above scale? I guess 'meh' is better than I have been in a while. Last time I saw the therapist, she said that when I am feeling 'meh', it usually means that I'm starting to feel good about myself.  Guess that is a positive thing.

nojoy

nojoy

 

meaness caused by mental illness

The words below are MY OPINION. You are welcome to read my thoughts on this subject, however, unless you have something positive to say, then don't comment or like this post. Mean-spirited is not a symptom.  It is an attitude that has been adopted to cover one's own shortcomings or pain. I have witnessed mean-spiritedness is young children to senior adults. I have been a victim of mean-spirited people within my own family and the world around me. You may be hurting but that does not gi

nojoy

nojoy

 

feel like I'm a bother to others

I feel that I am a bother to everyone around me. I should just be quiet so I don't bother anyone.  I feel that  if I ask for anything I'm bothering people. Even in stores, I will wander around until I find what I'm looking for or I'll give up and leave. The childcare director acts like its sooo much trouble to even approve my leave form that I quit asking for the day off and I come to work sick because I don't want to bother her.  Even on DF I feel that I am bothering people by po

nojoy

nojoy

 

Wish I was any place than in the real world

The phones have not rung today not even a stupid robo call. If I was someplace far, far away, then it wouldn't bother me that no one wants to be with me or talk to me. The' be with me'  part comes from Thursday. I called my nephew's wife to see if she wanted to meet for dinner since nephew is working 12 hour shifts. About 30 minutes later, a text asking if I minded if her daughter joined us. I really wanted to talk to someone about the problems I am having with this doctor. Every time I make pla

nojoy

nojoy

 

Fear

FEAR -- a strong emotion caused by great worry about something dangerous, painful or unknown that is happening or might happen. Sounds simple. A noun that can stop the strongest person but fear can paralyze a depressed person. Fear can cause the flight or fight response in the brain. There is one other option that no one talks about - flight, fight or freeze.  I have spend fifty plus years in the freeze mode. Every argument at home, I froze. Every time I was make fun of, bullied, or fe

nojoy

nojoy

 

Should've never try to start a new chapter in my life

So my big plan to start a new chapter in my life to win the small fights against depression, to find another job, to try to live better than I have been has been an epic failure. Don't know why I even bothered. Depression slapped me hard and I could not handle the overwhelming fear of failure. I am a failure at everything I do or try to do. How many times have I tried and met failure. It's not worth the anguish to try anymore.  I am just going to make it from one day to the next. No expecta

nojoy

nojoy

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