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Identity

Most of my session today was about identity. I'm struggling to find where I fit in under the ace-spectrum. As part of my therapy, she is helping me find my term(s), although labels aren't necessarily important, I would like to find mine.  I know I'm ace. I figured that out a few years ago, when I really started to question why I didn't like sex, why I never wanted sex, why it grossed me out. I found the term "asexual." It's tough being married and learning you're ace. It's also hard to find

cayllin

cayllin

 

therapy day 3

My therapist encouraged me to journal. I literally just finished my session, and I want to unpack it a little. She asked me about how I do with conflict, we talked about fear, about having opinions and it's ok for people to disagree with me. She encouraged me to journal for me, not for others. I don't feel like I journal for others. This is a convenient place for me to do so, so this is where I write.  My homework is to talk to my mom about depression and, possibly, my sexuality. I am afrai

cayllin

cayllin

 

Therapy Homework

The past few weeks have been good for therapy. My therapist is trying to help me learn to be more assertive and to not take husband's moods personally. She says husband's moods are his, and he's responsible for them, not me. He has not been good about respecting my boundaries (slapping my butt, pinching my nipples), and as many times as I've said no, stop it, I don't like it, he hasn't stopped and he laughs it off. So my "homework" is to reinforce those boundaries and try to be more assertive wi

cayllin

cayllin

 

I'm getting help

I finally found the courage to reach out for help. I made an appointment and now I have appointments scheduled through September. She suggested journaling. It's something I've tried before, but never kept up with. Maybe I will try again, through here. I don't know. She diagnosed me with severe depressive disorder with anxiety. I already knew that though. I don't think I was ever officially diagnosed. I've had depression since as long as I can remember...at least since 7th grade. I'm almost 35. I

cayllin

cayllin

 

music

I discovered I Prevail recently. I've heard their music for awhile now, but never really listened to anything that wasn't already on the radio. They are amazing. I think their music speaks to me in ways that no other band really does. I'm looking forward to seeing them this summer. When I listen to a lot of their music, I see myself. I see the struggle with depression. I see the struggle with figuring out where I belong in the world.  I'm seeing them at a rock festival this summer, and they were

cayllin

cayllin

 

i wish i could go back in time

I wish I could go back in time. I'm sure everyone does. I know it wouldn't change my depression. But maybe it would change where I am now. I like where I live, but I feel trapped. If I could go back in time, I'd go back to college and major in something else. I'd change where I went to college. Even though the college I went to sent me to Alaska twice (which, by the way, is my favorite place in the world), and I probably never would have gone had I not gotten an internship, which led me to a job

cayllin

cayllin

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