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Meg's Blog

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About this blog

Hey friends :) 

I'm reflecting on things and somehow

 trying to shape myself into a better person so bare with me. :hearthrob:

I appreciate every single one of you for making me feel so supported and giving me the courage to speak openly in the way that I do X thank you

 

Entries in this blog

 

Good things don't last that long :(

Ok. I'm having a mental breakdown i guess.  The good things just aren't good enough anymore.  I've lost weight. I'm socialising again. All the 'normal' things that i needed to do in order to recover. I have a possible long distance relationship. My first relationship ever. Talk to me a few months ago and i would have said that i was undatable. Still it's not enough. I need his touch, his hugs. Just talking on the phone isn't enough and its breaking my heart.  I need someone to tel

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

I have some really good news that might just save me

After exams I collapsed. I was so ready to give up. I begged to god, over and over. I had no intention to make it through the summer. my future is so uncertain, and for the moment there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. It's torture.  I thought I'd only find happiness through my studies. Friends were telling me that I needed to find a different focus. Another aspect of life to make me happy.  I had never been good at the other factors and so I had given up hope a long time ago. 

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Properly letting go

I've told myself to let go but it's clear that I still haven't learned how to do that yet. I'm still trying to force a future thats completely out of my control. And it makes me angry and defeated when I can't find a way to make it work. So instead of giving up on life completely, why can't i just let go. Live for this moment right now, even though i don't have much, it''s painful, it's far from perfect, but still, I should try and make life easier for myself right ? I have these voices in

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Letting go

I'm going to need tremendous strength to dig myself out of this one.  That responsibility bestowed upon me weighs like a ton. Strength that I have never, and will never have the capability to possess.  But, they'd never believe me, if I were to confess.  Regardless they'd like to believe it's possible.  But I am, and never once have been that able. The only way for me to escape this now, Is to leave it all behind me and let freedom allow, whatever

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

I’m Crying

I haven’t said anything in a while because for once I feel alive. I’m so grateful to just ‘feel’ again that I want to cry with joy all the time. I can’t tell you whats happened. Maybe just a couple of good exams. But that flick has been switched from total self destruction to digging myself out of this hole I’ve created. It was never about having the energy or having the means to do it. It was the motivation I was lacking in. Whats the point trying when you feel so useless. You might be abl

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Update:

I feel so empty and in-different to everything going on. Nothing is good enough so why would it matter anyway.  I've taken a huge step back, I don't know why. I can function again right ? I can get out of bed and get dressed without too much effort ? I even went out with my friends that one time.  I guess I get carried away when I see improvement. I think ..ah this is it, this is the end now. Only to be knocked down again. There's nothing I can do, there's nothing that anyone
 

I don't know how this helps anyone

I've said this before. I take things to the extreme.  I've always been very hard on myself. Unless I'm pushed to my limits I don't feel accomplished, and I very rarely feel content with myself. I have the ability to home all my focus into just one thing, and end up neglecting everything else around me.  That got me into a lot of trouble last year, and I guess because of that, I'm in even more trouble right now.  --- I remember the feeling I had then. I felt like I w

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Wavelengths

No matter what I say, no one will ever understand me. No matter how convincing I try to be, no one will ever believe me. My cries are falling upon deaf ears. They carry on with their planning and gossip as if nothing has ever happened.  I feel as though I am living with terminal cancer, and everyone is treating me like I'm suffering with the flu.  - A temporary pain in the arse, but will pass eventually  No. I really thought I wasn't going to come back this tim

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

F me

"when you walk in the bar. And you're dressed like a star, rocking your f me pumps..." So I'm writing this while listening to Amy Winehouse. I guess I understand her better than ever now.  I want to be honest. I'm angry. AT myself. I've wasted so much of my life caring about what little nobody's thought of me. Putting on a fake show to try and win them over.  Always striving to be as popular as my friend (who was an absolute social butterfly) - and putting myself down in

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

D is for Demons day

Today is April 1st.  That means tomorrow is April 2nd And April 2nd is the day of my first A level exams. Now, if you've heard anything from me in the past couple of days, then you'd have heard about this exam thing and probably are sick to death of hearing about it. But... BEFORE YOU STOP READING ! -  I'm not trying to make a big deal out of something ordinary that everyone at some point in their lives has to face. No. I'd probably bore you to death if I did. 

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

My depression story

*I posted this on the new members forum, so if you've read it already just ignore it. Just wanted to get it on the blog X Hi, my name is Meg. I am 18 years old, and I suffered from major depression for the past 4 months.  I've come to learn so much in the past four months, some of the most important things i've learned in my lifetime.  I want to share my story and the things that i've learned from this experience in the hopes that one of you - out there, may be able to relate, fee

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Just a little pick me up

List of things that I'm grateful for today 1. My bed 2. coffee 3. My cat 4. My education 5. My Dad 6. My Mum 7. My Nan 8. Comfy clothes 9. My friends 10. Food 11. Music 12. The Sun 13. The Sea 14. My Dog 14. Fluffy Socks 15. Showers 16. My Phone 17. My laptop (because it allows me to talk to you guys :)) 18. Candles and perfume 19. My car 20. Kind strangers 21. Gogglebox 22. My Heal

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Self-pity (an Inhibitor)

Life is unfair.  If you look at life from the perspective of good and bad. Some people are more fortunate, others are less fortunate. Shouldn't it be equal ? Why should one person have it easy whilst someone else has to struggle with sh*t throughout life.  ----- That's the perspective that I used to have. I would view myself as being less fortunate than others - why did i fail my exams when I tried so hard and sacrificed so much ? Why do I have a knee

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

I want to be content when I die

I just watched a Louis Theroux episode called 'Edge of life'.  It showed hospital patients who were on the verge of death, and it showed them and their loved ones having to swallow the death sentences that had been given to them. A particular guy moved me to tears. His name is Langston and he was in his early 20s. Langston had overdosed on heroin which caused severe brain damage and ended him in a coma. The hospital called in a Neurologist to examine his brain scans. Langstons pro

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

The Dark Pit

You don't want to sleep,  but you don't want to be awake. You don't want to eat,  but you don't want to be hungry. You don't want to be around people,  but you don't want to be alone. You don't want to do anything,  but you don't want to do nothing. What you really want to do is stop existing, but you can't do that without dying,  and you don't really want to do that either.

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

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