Done and Done for Today

Today, right now, I am in a dismal, damp, black, infinitely hopeless, soul-crushing space.

My psyche is maxed out. I cannot take on one more thing. You know how they used to say, My nerves are shot? My nerves really are shot, physically. I have these sharp random pains that shoot through my body constantly. This has been happening for years. Sometimes the physical pain from my shot nerves is excruciating. It is just one more thing to hate about my life. My refrigerator leaks. My toilets leak. My old sh*tty car is crap, has no heater and it leakswhen it rains. Even my job sucked b*lls today with people just lying to my face to save their own skin. 

My whole life has been and continues to be a big bowl of crap. My emotions fluidly shift between anger, hurt, rage, despair, grief and disinterest. It is easy for me to list all of the people in my life who have hurt, beat, molested, raped, abandoned, stolen from, conned, lied to, or taken advantage of me.  It's literally every single person I've allowed to get close to me in my entire life. My mother is the only human on earth I trust. 

I have been conditioned to hate first and be disappointed later. My father, my mates, even my kids are sources of contempt. I despise everything my life signifies. Strife, pain, anguish. No joy, no light. I work only to pay bills and taxes, no money for anything enjoyable. I don't like people either. People lie,  people hurt, people use others, people ****. Nobody cares. Not even God.

I often ask God why he hates me so much. He just laughs and hands me more bullsh*t to carry. Here's another discourteous driver trying to **** you! Here's another psycho mate to torture you! And your kids! Here's another bill you can't pay! Here's another friend to stab you in the back! Here's another crap boss being crappy because they don't know how, or simply don't want, to do their job! Here's another panic attack to set you back a week! Here's another broken thing! And another! And another! 

I cannot take on one more micron of sh*t. I cannot withstand one more metaphorical **** shoved down my throat. Tomorrow will be better, you say? My history teaches me that tomorrow is just another day life gets to eff me up the ayse. 

Today was shit. Today was scum. Tomorrow is another one. 

Oh, and then Valentine's. Yippy.