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About this blog

Today, right now, I am in a dismal, damp, black, infinitely hopeless, soul-crushing space.

My psyche is maxed out. I cannot take on one more thing. You know how they used to say, My nerves are shot? My nerves really are shot, physically. I have these sharp random pains that shoot through my body constantly. This has been happening for years. Sometimes the physical pain from my shot nerves is excruciating. It is just one more thing to hate about my life. My refrigerator leaks. My toilets leak. My old sh*tty car is crap, has no heater and it leakswhen it rains. Even my job sucked b*lls today with people just lying to my face to save their own skin. 

My whole life has been and continues to be a big bowl of crap. My emotions fluidly shift between anger, hurt, rage, despair, grief and disinterest. It is easy for me to list all of the people in my life who have hurt, beat, molested, raped, abandoned, stolen from, conned, lied to, or taken advantage of me.  It's literally every single person I've allowed to get close to me in my entire life. My mother is the only human on earth I trust. 

I have been conditioned to hate first and be disappointed later. My father, my mates, even my kids are sources of contempt. I despise everything my life signifies. Strife, pain, anguish. No joy, no light. I work only to pay bills and taxes, no money for anything enjoyable. I don't like people either. People lie,  people hurt, people use others, people ****. Nobody cares. Not even God.

I often ask God why he hates me so much. He just laughs and hands me more bullsh*t to carry. Here's another discourteous driver trying to **** you! Here's another psycho mate to torture you! And your kids! Here's another bill you can't pay! Here's another friend to stab you in the back! Here's another crap boss being crappy because they don't know how, or simply don't want, to do their job! Here's another panic attack to set you back a week! Here's another broken thing! And another! And another! 

I cannot take on one more micron of sh*t. I cannot withstand one more metaphorical **** shoved down my throat. Tomorrow will be better, you say? My history teaches me that tomorrow is just another day life gets to eff me up the ayse. 

Today was shit. Today was scum. Tomorrow is another one. 

Oh, and then Valentine's. Yippy. 

Entries in this blog

 

Meeting Shmeeting

Tonight was probably the worst Al-Anon meeting ever. Not because of the people but because of the subject matter. Since I was sexually abused as a child and as an adult, I have grown to view sex with disgust. The mere thought of getting "intimate" with anyone invokes an immediate urge to vomit. Even someone touching me without expecting it makes my skin crawl. I have three children only because I was taught that sex was expected, not a choice. Since I have been made aware by my therapist that I
Tearz

Tearz

1
 

Today is a No

I'm not going to church today. I had horrible, vivid dreams all night. I clearly remember two. In the first, I was driving my mother's car; I was groggy, apparently under the influence of some substance, and when I tried to step on the brakes, nothing happened. The first accident was more of an incident, I went careening through an intersection, miraculously missing other cars, and ended up facing oncoming traffic on the other side of the road. Disaster averted. But then I got back in
Tearz

Tearz

3
 

FebruarBYE

I have made an executive decision in my world that February is uniformly the most depressing effing month of the year, every year. There's Valentine's Day to remind all single folks we have nobody; the month my friend was mrdrd; my friend reminded me today that February was when our mutual friend lost her second-born to cancer two years ago; it's always bleak, cold, wet and shivery. Februarys can 💋my 🤬. I saw the very first dogwood blooms today, and they made me so happy. I'm a very depress
Tearz

Tearz

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Phoenix

Don't we all wish we could go back in time and undo a thing we did? I'm no exception. Last weekend, I took my beloved iPad to a local shop. You may be wondering why it is beloved. In 2012, I won my iPad. I was enrolled in college at the time, taking Economics. Students making an A or B were given an opportunity to enter an essay contest sponsored by a major college book publishing company, and a handful of students would win an iPad if their essays were chosen. It was a nationwide contest -
Tearz

Tearz

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Ebb and Flow on Loop

My therapist assures me that this is life: a series of ups and downs, interspersed with periods of boring plateaus. Some highs are higher than others; some lows are worse. The trick is to remember who you are through all of it.  Today was bizarrely much like yesterday. Things started off poorly. My job, normally a place of solace, was nothing but one contention after another. Right off the bat I got in trouble for doing something I do every other day. Apparently an email had gone out early
Tearz

Tearz

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Ebb and Flow

Today started off...weird. This morning I received yet another email from someone I have told many times to buzz off. At first, I was really angry. I felt so defeated. They are an influential member of the community (yeah, well, so was John Wayne Gacy) and it made me feel small and powerless. I'm certain that is this person's goal.  But then, I got to thinking. This has been going on since 2016, and I have proof that I have written and called this person repeatedly to stop bothering me. So
Tearz

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Mehhhmorable

So today I'm pretty sad. Was much more at peace yesterday than today. I am writing this blog from in front of an Al-Anon meeting place, the meeting is supposed to start in an hour. I came to the same meeting place last night and nobody showed up. Today I called to confirm time and place, they told me it was a fluke and to try again. There were about 75 people in the AA meeting next door, so where were all those peoples' peoples? Anyway, talked to my mommy and went home. I'll try it one more nigh
Tearz

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Saturday In The Park

Why do we get so sad when we go back to our childhood haunts? Do we grow sad because we were so much happier as kids, more carefree and less stressed? Is it because we've lost the capacity to view a world with infinite possibilities? I often wonder why this phenomenon occurs. My youngest recently told me she reconnected with some family members and found out some things we didn't know. She said it made her sad and angry that she had missed out on so many years with that part of her family. I tol
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Give us this day....

I think I may blog daily. I find this freeform spewage lightens the burden on my shoulders. Read it or don't, makes me feel better either way.  Today I had a better day. I still cried most of the day, which actually started yesterday, and finally stopped after I got out of my therapist's office. My therapist is wonderful and I am so grateful for that. I felt better just sitting on her couch bawling, because I know that when I'm there, I'm safe to feel any damned way I want to. Mostly we tal
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Random kindnesses made my day

Not random kindnesses bestowed upon me, but random kindnesses I freely gave. Lots of them, too, like a snowball effect, the more I did, the more I wanted to do. Doing nice things without expecting anything gave me a sense of fulfillment. Does this mean that being selfless is...selfish? I once heard a doctor with Doctors Without Borders answer the question "Why do you do this?" with the following answer: "For the most selfish reason in the world. Because it feels good."  Maybe for the very f
Tearz

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