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Phase of life…

I’m sad that this is the only place I can let out my anguish and anger and how upset I am with everything that’s happening to me. I don’t care about what people say to be grateful for all that I have. I am grateful but I’m also tired. I’m a horrible person I know. I know you want to die but so do I and so do many other people on this earth. You think we love to take care of you? You think we want you to keep taking those cholesterol medicine and high blood pressure medicine and whatever medicine

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

Tired of life

Quoting Dr Glenn Doyle: “Can’t clean up a whole room? Clean a corner of it. Can’t do all the dishes? Do a dish. Can’t get in the shower? Wash your face. Always look for the thing you CAN do, with the energy and focus you DO have. Little wins pave the way for bigger wins. 1% beats 0%.”  I feel I’m always at 1%. But I guess that’s still better than nothing. Celebrate little achievements to keep motivating myself to be consistent even if it’s a consistent 1%. One day I’ll reach 2%. One day. 

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

Sick

Hating myself a lot these days. Wish I can just die but I know I can’t. Feeling like everything sucks. I shouldn’t be pushing myself. I know I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be doing things for others all the time. I should be taking care of myself. I should take a break. I should go to the doctor when I’m sick. But everything feels so difficult to do. Expectations. Timelines. I’m getting older. Why is life so difficult. I feel like if I stop doing one thing, everything will fall apart, so I have to kee

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

Waiting

Was feeling very very down and anxiety was starting to build up too. Scrolling through IG cos dunno what else to do. Then came this chibird post. “This too shall pass. It can be hard to see anything but the sadness when things are tough, but the sadness will pass in time, as it always does.” So I guess now instead of feeling down and afraid, I’m just waiting for time to pass till this is over.  Someone else also reminded me to practice mindfulness. Don’t deny or fight or hate the negative t

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

Better Day

You told me I can never be anything. But I’ll show you there's nothing that I cannot be, If I put my trust in Him. I'm gonna find my own voice, I'm gonna make my own way. He's the only reason I'm gonna find a better day. In between all the noises, underneath all the pain He's the only reason i'm gonna find a better day.  You left me with no return in sight, a hollow scream in the middle of the night. So won't you please let go of me inside, I need to spread my soul and fl

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

Low

Can’t help but feel I’m a horrible person. Why was I born this way, such a sensitive idiot who can’t face people and things end up being my fault cos I took things the wrong way. What the hell does that mean I have my mother’s genes while she has my dad’s genes. What the hell does that mean that she is like her older sister! She is NOTHING like her. She doesn’t block the door to prevent me from leaving the house! She doesn’t shout at me random words when she is tired. She does not have a bloody

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

Getting there

I am a beautiful disaster, and I accept myself as such.  Someone mentioned that if we are negative, we should not force ourselves to be positive, n just accept it because when we stay negative long enough, one day naturally we want to be positive in our own way, and we will find that way ourselves. If we keep forcing ourselves to be positive, hating and comparing ourselves on why others have it easier than us to be happy, we will feel more upset on why we can’t be positive. So we don’t have

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

Random Thoughts

Anything on my mind. Sigh. Should I just type out all my negative thoughts. Should I type out about my day. Hate towards myself. Cos I hate my mother in law even though she is not all bad and she does have some good qualities but our relationship is just not there and our personalities crash. But she does take care of my daughter, who I think loves her more than me. I’m still not sure what I’m doing with my life. I still have strong cravings for coffee, which I’ve been trying to cut down since I

Break

Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful,  it’s ordinary and mundane and routine.  Breathe in the amazing, hold on through  the awful, and relax and exhale  during the ordinary. That’s just living. Heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing,  awful, ordinary life. And it’s  breathtakingly beautiful. -LR Knost    I need another 6 month break from here. I’m taking a 6 month break from IG too. Hopefully reduci

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

Love and forgive myself. Again.

I keep trying n I keep trying n I keep trying but for what???? There’s no results!!!! Is there??!! I don’t know what to do. Waking up crying is really one of the worst feeling ever. I don’t want to live. Again. And again. And again. I don’t understand why I keep coming back to this train of thoughts. The thoughts of wanting to die but I’m stuck here on this earth cos I’m a coward. Why! Is it something I will never understand but I just need to accept it as a part of my life?? Want it or not

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

5 Apology Languages

Another proof people are so difficult. I was begging my mother in law for forgiveness and she still ignores me which makes me even angrier. Recently saw this online and realise how difficult it is to even ask for an apology. Why are people so difficult! Sigh I’m just pasting this here as a reminder for myself and for whoever who thinks saying sorry is enough is actually not enough because they speak a totally different language altogether.    What Are the 5 Apology Languages? 1. Expr

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

Calming myself down

I hate myself. Every. Single. Time. I want to die. What’s the point. There is no point. It’s crazy. I don’t know what else to write. There’s so much negativity in my head. Again. I don’t really wanna talk about what happened but Tommy (my imaginary friend who doesn’t exist in real life) keeps insisting that I let it out. So here goes.  Ok actually there’s nothing much to tell. We argued very badly with me shouting at mil even while carrying my daughter and I think that’s enough it’s not fai

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

Self-forgiveness

Choosing to love myself means choosing not to hurt myself anymore.   I’ve got flaws and it’s time I accept my flaws.   I am a good person.   I might screw up sometimes.   Okay yeah, so I screw up sometimes.   Because we all screw up sometimes.   And yes, I have royal screw ups in my life.   And I’ve done some bad things.   And even if I remember what I did.  I can remember without holding a grudge to myself.  Because I’ve forgiven myself.  S

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

10 Ways to Stay Angry & Miserable

I like this video by Dr Christian Conte (recommended by a good friend) I found on YouTube, so just jotting down notes here for my own reminder, cos I really need to hear this every now and then. The video is quite fun to listen, so listen to it if anyone wants.   10 Ways to Stay Angry & Miserable!   1.     Assume that others are the problem.   2.     Assume that others need to change for you to find peace.   3.     Minimize your mistakes, and maximize everybody else's. 

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

Same old

It's the same old thoughts. I hate myself. I want to die. There's no point. Life sucks. I don't want to live.  How to live my life with all these negative thoughts in my head.  How to choose to be positive. How to choose to love myself. How to choose to forgive myself.  I keep making the same old stupid stupid mistakes over and over again.  I am tired of this life. Its such a horrible feeling to not be understood and not be listened to by the person whom I want to unders

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

Let it go

Feelings of emptiness again. Sometimes I feel I just have no friends, maybe if I have a friend that I can talk to, things won't seem so bad. But then again being dependent on someone will cause hopes and disappointments so there's no way around it really. I know the theory I need to talk to some people, but I always end up hiding from society after trying to make just one conversation. I'm tired of myself and get tired of being around people so easily. Everyone only think of themselves, includin

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

Controlling the anger

Someone recommended me a server for depressed people to chat, but I ended up having a horrible time being blamed and pointed fingers at how I’m a lousy mother who don’t know how to take care of myself much less my daughter. I can’t 100% blame that person since he suffered child abuse but I’m done with that place. I mean blaming me for not being honest with my therapist? I know that’s my damn problem but how does blaming me help me open up more. He knows nothing about what I’ve been through and y

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

Preparation

I wish I have a place where I can let everything out. Where I don’t have to face any humans. Where people can understand me. Where I feel motivated to do something. Where there’s a reason to push myself. Because I can push myself, but I dunno why I should. Maybe I do. Turn back to god. Once a long time ago I thought I found god and left my depression behind. Then I lost him again somewhere and went back to the black hole. Then now I guess god is there if I call on him. That feeling of peace

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

Trying again

What you think, you become.  What you feel, you attract.  What you imagine, you create. -Buddha.  I won’t give up. Just grateful that I’m strong enough. I ask for strength, and god gave me difficulties to make me strong. He is a sly one. Take it or leave it. Choose my hard. What’s the point? There is no point. There has never been a point. And yet I keep trying to find it. The purpose of my life. 

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

Why

Why do I always end up back to this same old spot. This ridiculous voices that keep saying I hate myself. I hate my life. I'm so stupid. I don't want to live. I want to die. I hate everything. What's the point. There is no point. Why can't I just die. Life is so stupid. Is it because I stopped making effort to be grateful? Cos of my stress at work?  I hate being so lost and irritated and angry and depressed. I can't do anything. I can't do house chores, I can't work. I just freeze and stare

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

13 reasons

I took a short break from df in March and I came back but I still feel horrible. I don't know what I'm supposed to do when everything I do is still wrong. When her face still frustrates and irritates me but I try my best not to move a single muscle when I feel horrible cos every action I make will be wrong.  "13 Reasons Why...to Live." by Ana Nogales, Ph.D. 1. Life is an invitation to learn. We can learn something from every moment, good or bad.  2. Life is not static; it's in consta

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

Running away

from problems. Sometimes I find myself saying I hate myself I don't want to live anymore. On better days, I would reply those thoughts with, I hate these problems in life I don't want to face all these problems in life. But what choice do I have. None. Zero. Zilch. Gotto force myself. But still, I have to fight. As tired as I am, as tiring as this world gets, but still, I have to fight. I'm gonna take a three months break from here, like the many breaks I have taken over my 10 years here. Gotto

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

Gotto learn from my mistakes

This morning, hubby left baby on bed and expected me who is half asleep to take care of her. I stupidly fell back asleep and woke up to a very loud crash and baby wailing like a siren on the floor. Mil rushed into the room and took baby away. Hubby was shaking his head at me in disappointment.  What else can i do but cry. Afraid of people’s judgement, i just left the house and now the whole scene keeps repeating in my head over my stupidity and fear if baby is ok or is there a bump on her h

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

Sigh

I haven't come to DF for quite some time. I don't know why I'm back. Maybe I'm feeling a little down and no one around me seems to understand me. I'm having my usual PMS depression. It sucks that I know that it's coming and yet I cannot prevent it. But I think this month is a lot worse cos my baby just turned 6 months and I've decided to stop nursing her and start to go back out there to find a job. But I'm feeling totally hopeless and no sense of direction at all. I had an offer but I rejected

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

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