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Calming myself down

I hate myself. Every. Single. Time. I want to die. What’s the point. There is no point. It’s crazy. I don’t know what else to write. There’s so much negativity in my head. Again. I don’t really wanna talk about what happened but Tommy (my imaginary friend who doesn’t exist in real life) keeps insisting that I let it out. So here goes.  Ok actually there’s nothing much to tell. We argued very badly with me shouting at mil even while carrying my daughter and I think that’s enough it’s not fai

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Self-forgiveness

Choosing to love myself means choosing not to hurt myself anymore.   I’ve got flaws and it’s time I accept my flaws.   I am a good person.   I might screw up sometimes.   Okay yeah, so I screw up sometimes.   Because we all screw up sometimes.   And yes, I have royal screw ups in my life.   And I’ve done some bad things.   And even if I remember what I did.  I can remember without holding a grudge to myself.  Because I’ve forgiven myself.  S
 

10 Ways to Stay Angry & Miserable

I like this video by Dr Christian Conte (recommended by a good friend) I found on YouTube, so just jotting down notes here for my own reminder, cos I really need to hear this every now and then. The video is quite fun to listen, so listen to it if anyone wants.   10 Ways to Stay Angry & Miserable!   1.     Assume that others are the problem.   2.     Assume that others need to change for you to find peace.   3.     Minimize your mistakes, and maximize everybody else's. 
 

Same old

It's the same old thoughts. I hate myself. I want to die. There's no point. Life sucks. I don't want to live.  How to live my life with all these negative thoughts in my head.  How to choose to be positive. How to choose to love myself. How to choose to forgive myself.  I keep making the same old stupid stupid mistakes over and over again.  I am tired of this life. Its such a horrible feeling to not be understood and not be listened to by the person whom I want to unders
 

Let it go

Feelings of emptiness again. Sometimes I feel I just have no friends, maybe if I have a friend that I can talk to, things won't seem so bad. But then again being dependent on someone will cause hopes and disappointments so there's no way around it really. I know the theory I need to talk to some people, but I always end up hiding from society after trying to make just one conversation. I'm tired of myself and get tired of being around people so easily. Everyone only think of themselves, includin
 

Controlling the anger

Someone recommended me a server for depressed people to chat, but I ended up having a horrible time being blamed and pointed fingers at how I’m a lousy mother who don’t know how to take care of myself much less my daughter. I can’t 100% blame that person since he suffered child abuse but I’m done with that place. I mean blaming me for not being honest with my therapist? I know that’s my damn problem but how does blaming me help me open up more. He knows nothing about what I’ve been through and y
 

Preparation

I wish I have a place where I can let everything out. Where I don’t have to face any humans. Where people can understand me. Where I feel motivated to do something. Where there’s a reason to push myself. Because I can push myself, but I dunno why I should. Maybe I do. Turn back to god. Once a long time ago I thought I found god and left my depression behind. Then I lost him again somewhere and went back to the black hole. Then now I guess god is there if I call on him. That feeling of peace
 

Trying again

What you think, you become.  What you feel, you attract.  What you imagine, you create. -Buddha.  I won’t give up. Just grateful that I’m strong enough. I ask for strength, and god gave me difficulties to make me strong. He is a sly one. Take it or leave it. Choose my hard. What’s the point? There is no point. There has never been a point. And yet I keep trying to find it. The purpose of my life. 

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Why

Why do I always end up back to this same old spot. This ridiculous voices that keep saying I hate myself. I hate my life. I'm so stupid. I don't want to live. I want to die. I hate everything. What's the point. There is no point. Why can't I just die. Life is so stupid. Is it because I stopped making effort to be grateful? Cos of my stress at work?  I hate being so lost and irritated and angry and depressed. I can't do anything. I can't do house chores, I can't work. I just freeze and stare

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

13 reasons

I took a short break from df in March and I came back but I still feel horrible. I don't know what I'm supposed to do when everything I do is still wrong. When her face still frustrates and irritates me but I try my best not to move a single muscle when I feel horrible cos every action I make will be wrong.  "13 Reasons Why...to Live." by Ana Nogales, Ph.D. 1. Life is an invitation to learn. We can learn something from every moment, good or bad.  2. Life is not static; it's in consta

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Running away

from problems. Sometimes I find myself saying I hate myself I don't want to live anymore. On better days, I would reply those thoughts with, I hate these problems in life I don't want to face all these problems in life. But what choice do I have. None. Zero. Zilch. Gotto force myself. But still, I have to fight. As tired as I am, as tiring as this world gets, but still, I have to fight. I'm gonna take a three months break from here, like the many breaks I have taken over my 10 years here. Gotto

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Gotto learn from my mistakes

This morning, hubby left baby on bed and expected me who is half asleep to take care of her. I stupidly fell back asleep and woke up to a very loud crash and baby wailing like a siren on the floor. Mil rushed into the room and took baby away. Hubby was shaking his head at me in disappointment.  What else can i do but cry. Afraid of people’s judgement, i just left the house and now the whole scene keeps repeating in my head over my stupidity and fear if baby is ok or is there a bump on her h

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Sigh

I haven't come to DF for quite some time. I don't know why I'm back. Maybe I'm feeling a little down and no one around me seems to understand me. I'm having my usual PMS depression. It sucks that I know that it's coming and yet I cannot prevent it. But I think this month is a lot worse cos my baby just turned 6 months and I've decided to stop nursing her and start to go back out there to find a job. But I'm feeling totally hopeless and no sense of direction at all. I had an offer but I rejected

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Same old self hatred :(

I’ll just write out my feelings cos I have so much self hatred right now. I woke up and spent an hour in bed and I hate myself. That old woman is awake thus reason I do not want to get up and yet I never go back to sleep cos I drank some coffee when I woke up then when she walks around the house I just go back into bed cos I hate her face. Someone told me to create positive thoughts and energy within myself but I find it so hard. As usual I’m avoiding her cos of how she is always so sensitive ab

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

new year not starting out well

The reason is the usual same reason which is my mil. She ran away n did not come back on new years days and everyone’s worried but i’m secretly hoping she’s dead. Yea i’m a terrible person. Turns out she’s still alive n slept at her other son’s place and we were never on good relations with her other son so that son did not inform anyone. Sigh. It’s sad my life revolves around her. How i’m so afraid of doing anything in this house cos i’m afraid of offending her which i did. i don’t want to be t

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Petty Things

I bought some gifts for some friends online which will only arrive in second week of Jan. They are not close friends but they are nice people. Thought of bringing baby out to meet them. Got to get hubby n mil to agree first of course. Then the anxiety starts..afraid if they might already have the gift or if they are too busy to meet up and and it’d be my first time using the stroller as we never went to shopping malls before with baby n afraid if can’t find diaper room to change or baby becomes

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Demons

I don’t know what I want. All I know is I hate myself. I hate myself for being so negative. I hate myself for being so tired of life. I hate myself for having no motivation. I hate myself for being an idiot. I hate myself for being alive. I hate myself for being afraid to love myself. I hate myself for seeing no purpose in life.  And with so much hatred inside me I go on to Google (my one n only Best Friend) “how to stop hating myself” and again mark manson is the first page that comes up s

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Morning Pages

Argued at 6am in the morning and left the house cos I was way too angry. Now I’m just feeling lost again. I’m so frustrated with everything that happened. Why can’t I talk to her normally. Why must everything be so fixed why must everything have a timing fixed to it with no flexibility. I hate myself I hate my life. It’s like for anything that is related to her, my feelings and emotions start bubbling and erupts like a volcano in 2 seconds. And while it’s erupting there’s a voice in my head sayi

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t do this anymore. Why do I keep trying. What’s there worth trying for. I’m sick of this life, I’m sick of myself, I’m the worst idiot in the world, a freak that’s too cowardly to **** herself. I have nothing worth living for. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to live this life. I don’t want to get up to face her. But what choice do I have. I always end up pushing myself cos I really got no choice. I’m the idiot who married and stupidly agreed to live with her. I only have myself

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Morning Pages

I want to say I’m tired, I want to say I’m beaten, I want to say I’m breaking down.. but can I say all that..does saying negative words make my day worse and should I be saying positive affirmations instead..should I be grateful that I managed to sleep last night..should I be grateful that I still have my appetite..grateful for the little things like the delicious tidbits my sis gave me..grateful that even though this house is toxic, I can still travel to my sis place..grateful that I have a nic

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Today

Today is not permanent The living will die The beginning has an end Everything is temporary Everything will be gone Nothing is eternal Friends do not stay forever Happiness has a limit One thing is for sure We are all waiting for death Death will one day come ... Been arguing a lot these past few days. Feeling so horrible. And the words I hate myself just keep repeating in my head. I hate myself for saying the wrong things. I hate myself for raising my voice.

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Still hating myself

I hate myself so much. I know what I’m supposed to do but why am I not doing it. I hate myself. Being in this house makes me hate myself. Cos I do stupid things. Cos life is stupid. Cos I hate god for letting me live. I’m so irritated with everything. I’m so irritated with my mil specifically. I get like this when I need to go to the kitchen to get a drink but she is in the kitchen. Then I’ll end up sitting in my room and hating myself and wasting my time like that. Why do I do this. Is taking a

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Lifting myself up

It doesn’t matter that you’re being suppressed because they are flawed and insecure. You’re in control of your emotions. The only thing that matters is how you judge yourself inside your head and how you understand where you’re going and how you’re gonna do it and how long you have to get there. Because all the things that are being thrown at you on a daily basis that makes you judge yourself in the short term don’t matter. -Gary Vaynerchuk

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

What’s a marriage

Thing are becoming much better now that I have moved back to my parents’ place three weeks ago. I think I can actually become a normal person. But of course this can’t last forever.  So then I talked to my husband last night. He asked me why do I still love him. I can think of how much he has done for me and say I love him cos of that. But if he were to ask me which personality and which character of him do I love so much, I can’t really answer. We got marriage counselling this Thursday. So

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

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