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Morning Pages - Still trying

I don’t know what to do about my life. I’m in a messed up place. I don’t know how to get out. I hate myself so much. There is no reason to live.  I have no home right now. I’m separated from my child and might lose her. My mil is not helping as she threw me out of the house and now I’m sleeping at my parents but it’s not my home and I have nothing here. I’m too afraid to go back cos I cannot take her words. Yes she is old but why must I deal with her. She is not my Mother. She never have an





I’m done with this world. I dunno what’s the point of doing anything. I’m a terrible person who can’t do anything. Why bother to live. So many reasons to hate myself. 

Another thing I forgot

This heart needs to be cleansed. If you want to be an optimistic person, don’t fill your heart with hate. Fill your heart with love. Don’t fill your heart with jealousy and anger at others. Fill it for wishing good for others. You know forgiveness, move on with your life. When you fill your heart with this, you can grow, you can change. But if you always feel that your success is always by destroying others, there’s no point, it’s very hard to see someone like that to be an optimistic person. An

Morning Pages

I can’t do it. It’s too difficult for me. I can’t go on living anymore. I don’t know the reason I’m going on. Or maybe the reason is just I’ve tried to commit suicide but it always fails every single time. So I’m just stuck here. I don’t know what to do anymore. Ask God for help? Leave it all to Him? Cos there is nothing more that I can do. This is my best. Too bad my best is being a lousy nobody. Is it cos I’m not willing to make more effort to try? If I’m not willing to try, I will never impro

Morning Pages

I really just want to give up. I really do. People are so tiring to deal with. I’m such a loser and a slow worker. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I’m just hating myself and hating my life and losing sight of my purpose. Sigh. Oh gosh. I’m probably having PMS. I hate this.  What can I feel incredibly grateful for right now? McDonald’s  How could I have fun right now? Not now, but at 10:30 I can watch one of the new anime that aired.  How could I demonstrate love or exc


I’m still trying to understand my situation and what in the world am I suppose to do about it. I’ve lived for almost 6 years with my Mother in law, till I absolutely can’t stand her that two months ago I rented a room two blocks down just to get away from her and my husband never followed me of course cos he is such a mommy’s boy. Why am I still with him?? Why?? I thought I could learn to get used to her and her words and learn to put a mental block to drown out what she say and block those disa

Morning Pages

I used to blog my Morning Pages here where I write down anything and everything on my mind to let off the steam and clear my head, especially when I have so many mixed feelings inside me. So what’s the voice in my head saying? That I’m a pathetic person who can’t do anything right. Who put importance on stupid things that don’t matter and end up neglecting the more important things that should matter. It’s exhausting really. Sometimes I try to help people but I sound like a nag. I don’t really c

Almost there.

Having mixed feelings cos it’s a Sunday. I live a crazy life from Monday to Saturday and when Sunday comes I’m just so exhausted I want to sleep the whole day. But of course I can’t. Gotto force myself to get up. Again. Sigh. Is happiness really a choice? Another exercise for me:  “I want you to write five questions down that you’re going to ask yourself three or four times a day: What can I feel incredibly grateful for right now? How could I have fun right now? H

Lifting myself up

Got this online and want to put it somewhere: Think of the amazing things in your life. Think of your family / caring friends / or anything else you value. Be grateful.  Think about what has upset you. Know that it could have been much worse. Visualise the worst case scenario and allow yourself to feel better. This is not that bad. Imagine this difficult situation happening to someone you love. If your best friend is going through the same thing, what advice would you give them? H


Still working on it. Talking to people still scares the hell out of me. My job scope in office keeps changing and I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing but it’s scary to voice out. Still having crazy thoughts running around my head. Still doing my best but still hating myself cos this is my best. Still living in the same house with the family that makes me feel like I’m trying to walk around pieces of glass. But it’s all good as long as they don’t talk to me. Just leave me alone and I’m good.

I hate myself

What to Do About Self-Hating Thoughts "The first thing to realize is that we are not our critical inner voice, and we are definitely not the person our critical inner voice tells us that we are. Just because we ourselves experience these self-hating  thoughts does not mean that they make up our real and honest point of view. Remember, every one of us is divided in our feelings toward ourselves. The critical inner voice should be seen as an alien point of view, an unwelcome overlay on our se

Can’t sleep

Cos I hate myself. Cos I came back. Cos I can’t change. It’s not that hard to change right? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I just want this feeling to go away. I want to be happy when I wake up in the morning. I want someone to talk to who can understand me. But I’m a terrible person who can’t talk to anyone and don’t understand anyone. I hate myself. Why am I alive? Why am I here? What’s the point of being here? Why am I like this? I actually went overseas last month for a week. I


Some say I’m doing good, keep going at it. But am I, really? Do you think I want to keep going at it as if it’s something fun? I do want to leave this forsaken world, you know. I’m only here cos I DON’T have a CHOICE. Or maybe I’m here cos somewhere deep down inside me there is still that small tiny hope that things will get better. But come on, it WON’T. Life is an endless series of problem. The solution of one problem is merely the creation of the next one. People who can actually die are so m

Be wrong. Be foolish. Make mistakes.

And that’s ok. Cos this is life. Don’t beat ourselves up for being human. For living our life. We are not perfect. It hurts, it’s painful, we grow, we learn, we advance to make different types of mistakes, cos life is full of mistakes. So be wrong. Be foolish. Make mistakes.                              And that’s me advising myself. 


I’m still feeling down. I hate how blessed I am but I don’t know how to be grateful and appreciate them. Why do I always fear being judged. Why do other people’s opinions matter so much. I should not be measuring my worth according to other people’s words and thinking. I Am a worthy person. I have done many things that make me be able to overcome so much. Sigh. So my counsellor gave me an exercise to write down what is one of my negative core beliefs of myself. And below that, write down 3

Silver Linings

My first blog post. I’ll just type out everything on my mind, since I’m not so good at writing. I’m gonna try to look at silver linings in my life. I have this bad habit of just staring into space and hating myself and hating everything about this world and end up wasting a lot of time just being unproductive.  So what’s my silver lining for today? Watching SAO. Always makes my Sunday. Going to my religious class, even though I can’t remember what I learned there. And.. borrowing The T
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