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About this blog

Been fighting too long, to be doing this badly. I'll take whatever fight I'm given, and find the happiness, or go down trying.

Entries in this blog

 

So, what's the path?

It's all mapped out. Here's this unhappy place that I was, and here are a whole bunch of stepping stones along the way to a potentially better place. Or at least, a place that may lead to a better place. ... That's not how it works. But that's what I'm doing. I can get myself from a very dark place, to an objectively amazing place very quickly, because of the unique state my life is in. That seems like a path that I need to follow, and indeed, want to follow.  

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Not Easy

There's a real duality of things going on right now in my life...   On one hand, I feel alive. I have more energy than I have had in at least a couple of years, more drive, more focus, more hunger. I'm making much more progress, and I really feel like I can make a difference, like I am here to make a difference. My biggest wildest ambitions now seem so small; what I wanted to do in a matter of a decade I think I can do in 2-3 years, and probably better. What I used to want to achieve i

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Fighting the fight

My illness is at it's worst these days. But there's one path out of here, and I have to keep moving.   I'm really messed up. But I'm making ground, and maybe, just maybe, that will make a difference.     I'm up every morning at 3, run to the gym, workout, run home, start my admin work, a couple of hours later I go to work. Do my day, then go home and deal with whatever emails have popped up through the day. I've gone from being slack on my days off, to non-stop meet

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Heavy... and trigger warnings btw

It took me a long time to come home tonight. I kept walking around, then I stopped and stood on a quiet street for a while, to think, then another. Didn't like my old spot I'd planned to use to finish things, didn't think the fall would be far enough. Probably would, but there's enough chance, and it's mostly over water and I don't like the solid bits to land on. I don't know why they need to be nice.... I just want to go back to the earth, you know.   Shit's hard sometimes. Too m

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Building

It's do or die.   It always was.   But it's different now.   It's much more raw, the hurt is much more real. I can't sit still. I can't sleep.   I'm too hungry.   My head is in a really bad place right now, but I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can create.   35 days from today, look at my life.   Give me 35 days, watch what I do.   It's going to be sickening what I'm going through, and I'm doing it while I'm

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Hard Days

I've got an illness, and sometimes it makes things hard.   I'm always strong, around people. That's the way I'm meant to be, but they get used to it, expect it and rely on it, and dump more on me because that's just the way it works for them. That's fine, I like the illusion that I matter in this world, and that I can help in some small way.   But the weight is heavy, and I'm already not doing very well.     I've got to be honest, the only plan I have for

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

The Low Point

We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.   I don't want things to be easy.   I don't want rest.   I don't even want help, or right now, love.   I don't want to sit still.   I don't want to be comfortable, or even happy.   I've got shit to do.   Give me 5 weeks, I change my world.     Take from me everything, when I think I have nothing to lose. Prove to me how much

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Do You Want to See What I Am?

Take from me everything, when I'm at my lowest.   Let me lose, when I thought I had nothing left to lose.   See what's left.   I'll show you.   Watch me build immeasurable beauty, watch me do the impossible, everything I doubted.   See what's real.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Still Fighting

Things are going good. And things are going bad. Things are going a million miles an hour right now. And I've got an illness that means I need time. And I can't take time. I can't even admit my illness, because then my whole life falls apart. You can't rely on me right now, I'm a mess and every day I make it through is a little bit surprising.   I need time. I need rest. I need love. I need patience.   But there's no room for that. Or at least, this isn't the t

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Claiming Victory

My life always used to feel like a comeback trail... like I was in this state of disaster and needed to fight my way out.   Then I had around a year or two of feeling like I was just surviving (at best). And, well, that was up until a few days ago, so who knows, maybe I'll fall back into it.   But I don't feel like that anymore. I feel awake.   I've been slowly fixing things up in my life for a long time, but now it's just on another level. Years ago I use

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

A Plan

Today's plan isn't very nice.   I've had some bad luck over the past week. Real bad luck.   I'm going to do some work, see if I can fight my way out of this hole, at least get closer to that.   But the plan is to end it if I'm honest. That's about all.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

War Path

I've been struggling. Yeah, you know that. I've written about it enough times. Things have gotten dark. I don't entirely know why.   But that's just it. I can't keep my head above water like this. Can't. Won't.   I'm about as spent as I can be. I'm ready to check out. I'm at my lowest, and I don't even know if I want to change that.   But that made me realise something. This is where I used to be. When I was younger, I did things that I now envy. It w

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

In A Bad Way

I'm not doing well lately. It's almost daily now that I'm having these episodes.   I'm really struggling.   It's the illness too. None of the stress is about real things.   But here I am, every other day. I don't want to talk too much in detail about my past hour. But it's ****ed. And it's becoming routine.   I want to be strong. I want to be the example of taking the burden in stride and getting functioning in life, getting better and doing better.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Facing Challenges

I'm in a bad way. And that's okay. That's part of life, particularly with this particular burden that I have to carry. We all have our burdens, and this is mine, and it is not without it's benefits. There is a drive that comes from suffering. I must admit, I've become very resentful in this past year or so, about my health. I've worked very hard for a long time and done so much and my state appears to be the same as it used to be. But that's not true. I am a lot further along this

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

27 Minutes

We’ll draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.   The days are dark. Great. It’s something push against. You don’t do anything great when you’re comfortable, you need a driving force, something that needs to be changed.   This time I do it cleaner than I did before. There’s no caving to substances, they’re a short term fix at best. And I’d rather feel the hurt, raw like this.   I won’t rob myself of that.   Give me rewa

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Trying To Find The Llght

It's been a dark couple of years.   I'm trying to find an ounce of positivity. I just don't see the point.   Summon up a little more strength, and soldier on... but why? Why the **** does it matter.   What does anything matter?   I keep telling myself the biggest reason I'm still walking around is because of the people who'd be hurt by my ending it all. Do they care? Is that what's in my head?   Is there a reason I feel like I'm almost

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Before The Dawen

I'm struggling. A little bit. Honestly, I seem to be spiralling downwards at a speed that frightens me. I'm doing what I can to heal, but... I wonder if it's that I don't have enough time for it, or if I've got too much pressure on me, or if this would be happening anyway.   I've had three episodes this year where I've very nearly ended my life. What's scarier is that they were all in the past 2 months. That should be a warning sign.   The weird thing is that things
 

Conquering Demons

They used to be more impressive. Substance abuse and rampant alcoholism are more impressive battles, but I think we're through that and have been for a long time. Now that I see things through more sober eyes, I realise problems that I never used to know. Things like my paranoia - I always assumed there was just a lot of the world that didn't like me. And to some extent, that's always going to be true for anyone but there's a very large portion of it where I'm the one bringing those th

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

What am I to do?

What am I to do?   I have given everything.   I have done everything I can, and more.   I am extremely tired. I am extremely depressed. I am usually this way.   I wonder if I am stupid, if all of my ideas and choices are wrong, and that's why things are this way - This is incorrect, and there's no reasonable argument for that. But the feeling persists. I wonder if I am inherently a bad person, and just don't see what I am doing that is so evil and dis

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

The Truth

Life's getting better. Everything is possible. I am incredibly, unbelievably lucky. But it's hard. And it's not that my mind is against me, it's that I have an illness that challenges me sometimes.   I got drunk a while ago and spoke to a friend about how I'd planned to **** myself a couple of weeks ago. I can't remember what point I was trying to make was; maybe that things aren't as rosey as they always look, but I was surprised at how hard that hit someone. It's weird. To me it

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Healing

Today has not been easy. I had some plans for today. I had run my race... and that was that. It's been rough.   I still don't know what the plan is for tomorrow. I have no choice but to keep moving. Even today I don't have time to spend on this; I have too many commitments that I can't just drop. But here I am, sidelined with this illness. I wonder if I should stop everything and say that enough is enough, I need time to heal. But I wont, and honestly I can't. About

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Some Days Are Dark. Let me bring in the light.

Feelings change, and are rarely predictable. I thought I might be at that illusionary finish line; having accomplished everything I set out for so long ago. I felt really good. Then the weight of the world comes pouring into my soul. I'm not feeling all that good right now.   The problem is that I've pretty close to done everything that I thought might make me happy. And yeah, it's not that simple. Happiness isn't that tangible, but I thought I could nudge things in the right

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

What am I

My father said something years ago that stuck with me. I'm from a very unique family (aren't we all), who seem to live their entire lives with everything on the line. Biting off more than we can chew, is in our blood. I was complaining about not having time, or something like that, and he told me that if I wanted my life to be easy, to stop. Work 9-5. Play golf on weekends and get fat. Find a nice girl and settle down. If you want life to be easy, then don't invest yourself in eve

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Turning Point

It's time to step up.   I'm more than this, this cowering, broken person. I am at my weakest, but that's no excuse.   This is my life, and I'm owning it. I've put too much into it to let it go. I walked a half marathon every day for 4 months on a broken foot, then it happened again a couple of months later, and I endured it again for another 4 months. I didn't bitch about my bad luck, and very few saw the pain or the fear that my foot would never heal. When people asked

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Polish your shoes, when the world ends

Things aren't easy right now.   Kind of spent most of today white-knuckled trying not to end it.   I feel pretty poorly about myself, and I've done everything I can to try and remind myself that I'm not that bad. I've done a lot of very good things for a few people recently, I know there's a lot of appreciation there, but it doesn't matter. Logic doesn't matter in this. I am the worst human being on the face of the Earth, and I make the immediate assumption that everyone in t

MrMisery

MrMisery

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