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About this blog

Been fighting too long, to be doing this badly. I'll take whatever fight I'm given, and find the happiness, or go down trying.

Entries in this blog

 

Something

I keep beating myself up. For listening too much. For not listening enough. For giving weight to the wrong words, some of them spoken and some of them not. For missing others, even when they're said a hundred thousand times. For having vision, for being different, for aiming beyond my reach. For seeking growth, and for finding more faults within myself. Even if that's the point. The faults, the constant examination, that's necessary, and it always will be. It's the

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

My Power

I am often an ugly and decrepit man. The thoughts and feelings within me, are just that. I am fearful. I am in need of salvation, respite and happiness... desperately so. I fear that I'll have to keep walking through this storm, that shelter will not come. I fear that its hopeless. I fear that I am truly, and utterly alone; that no connection to another soul is real... just lies told by circumstance and need. But that is not me. These are thoughts and feelings, and very ugly ones at th

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

I'm Not Well

This is an illness. These thoughts... these feelings... they're not me. I am not my body. I am not my mind. I am not my thoughts. That is a hard realisation, but I think it's necessary for me.   It's hard to be more than that, but we all are.   I've got these thoughts going through my mind again... it's all the same old tired lines, but somehow they still hit hard. Mostly it's me putting words in the mouths of strangers, that are never spoken. Or in the looks in their ey

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

I'm Trying

I'm trying to stay clear.   It's not always easy. There's so much noise.   People that are happy. People that are unhappy. Things that go well, things that don't. There's this turbulance. Like being on a rollercoaster, that you're not sure will stay on the rails. You know you're probably best staying calm and riding it out... but what if you're not?   I'm mostly doing a lot better these days. And I know that can change fast, but for now, I'm doing as well as I

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

A Letter To Myself

In these precious moments of clarity, I'm writing this for the days when I'm not clear. Firstly, be calm. Your obstacles are not as big as they seem, the fight that you need to fight is in your mind, the obstacles themselves are tiny. And you are worth more than it may feel, you spend all of your time focused on the things that need fixing, the things that go wrong, and all of the things that could, in part this is survival, but it is a warped perspective. It is not how others view you, or

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

What Strengths

This idea keeps circling my mind. The world is a reflection of your mind. It just seems to make sense. Yeah, you can be born with money and privilege, yeah you can be hit by illness. But money isn't happiness or accomplishment, money in large quantities is often more toxic than it's worth. Balance and growth are necessary, or happiness won't accompany it. Illness and injury... a lot of it is in the mind, a lot of it we can work through or around, and we all bare burdens, most of it is

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Expectations

I am doing better. Really, I am.   But... I'm struggling too. It's not easy keeping my head above the water. I suppose I should be grateful that for now, I can at least do that.   I've got this fear of stagnation. I know how hard life is; I know how easy it is to lose everything. It's a matter of survival. My back is against a wall. Do or die. People looking at my life from a distance would think otherwise, but it's all balancing on a razors edge - I take risks

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Challenge

There is fire left in me. I'm working hard, on everything in my life. But it's not about those things. It's about the challenge, it's about the look that'll be in my eye when people look at me. When there is nothing but the truth of me; I feel I have looked like a coward for a while now, hiding from burdens too heavy to carry, and that worries me. I am trying to bathe myself in fire every day, to forge myself into who I know I can be. When you look in my eyes, I want there to be strength an

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

I'm Worried

I feel like I'm on the right path. I believe that I've made some enormous changes over the past couple of months. I even saw immediate changes in my life, and that's great. But there is much more that still needs work, and I'm worried if any time-frame is long enough. I worry if I have the strength to be who I need to be for any of this to matter... by that I mean that if I go back to old habits tomorrow, or fall back into old ways of thinking, those habits and thoughts lead to the life I h

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Who Am I?

It's a weird feeling.   I feel like I know the destination... I know why I'm here, and what I'm here to do. That's been clear for a long time now. But the path... the path has changed so many times. It used to be pragmatic; draw a straight line from A to B. Now it's different, it's about the path... it's about controlling what defines me, and creates me. Spread kindness and peace, instil and nurture passion, and kindness.   Who am I, is something I'll ask myself for the rest

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

My Way

I had a bad day today. This year feels like it's been a test, to see truly where rock bottom lies. I lose all I can, only to discover more to lose. It felt like there was nothing left of me a long time ago. Today I lost some more... and I feel whole.   Let me explain... I'm sober, and it's a crazy trip. I spent years chasing a high like this.... this is incredible. It's not that I felt the alcohol was holding me back, it's just that my world view was different, and willi

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Ramblings of my mind

I've got things I need to process...   And I want to do this sober.   I've been slipping a bit today. I've got some heavy things going on (as does almost everyone). My mind has been very cluttered and stressed... the way I've dealt with this in the past, has been to drink. A little fortification of the nerves, and forge on. It made sense, for the longest time. I'm working towards my goals, face a challenge that shakes me, and do whatever is needed to abate the symptoms and ke

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

The Battle is Letting Go

I'm hurting, and that's real. I'm afraid, and that's real too. It seems so horribly unfair that life should have been such a challenge, and be still so empty. That's a real feeling. And a lot of people have it. It's okay.   It's not fair, but it's real. For me, right now, the challenge is accepting my situation. Coming to peace with my pain, my suffering, my feelings of hopelessness. All of a sudden this seems so necessary. It's like this enormous amount of bag

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Seeking Peace

The fight is inside. Always is. Our world, is a reflection of ourselves. Always is.   I'm trying to let go of things... my need to prove myself, my need in relationships, my anger at things I can't and don't want to control, my fear of time and people and the percepti... just a lot of things that don't have a place. I just want to be present, for once in my life. Don't come at things with anger, or defiance... it's not about dropping my guard, because when I've got my guard up I'm

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Reality Sets In

Someone said something a while back that hit home with me "it's never as good as it seems, and it's never as bad as it seems", I kind of like that. We've got this way of sensationalising everything. Even with fear and hope. As much as the low points were not as hopeless as they felt, the same reality hits in when I finally find wind in my sails... fatigue, time and money constrains, and sometimes just the odd dose of bad luck. What felt like a sprint a couple of weeks ago, feels like a batt

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

So, things seem to be changing.

I think my mental health is improving...   I don't know, it's complicated, but let me try to explain. I've been struggling a lot, and I stopped and started being willing to meditate on what was really wrong. It was all surface anger and pain.... and that surprised me, I was sure that it ran much deeper, and I was so sure of it that I was walking around with my guard up all of the time trying to defend myself from any new pain because I didn't think I could deal with it. Which made

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

So, what's the path?

It's all mapped out. Here's this unhappy place that I was, and here are a whole bunch of stepping stones along the way to a potentially better place. Or at least, a place that may lead to a better place. ... That's not how it works. But that's what I'm doing. I can get myself from a very dark place, to an objectively amazing place very quickly, because of the unique state my life is in. That seems like a path that I need to follow, and indeed, want to follow.  

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Not Easy

There's a real duality of things going on right now in my life...   On one hand, I feel alive. I have more energy than I have had in at least a couple of years, more drive, more focus, more hunger. I'm making much more progress, and I really feel like I can make a difference, like I am here to make a difference. My biggest wildest ambitions now seem so small; what I wanted to do in a matter of a decade I think I can do in 2-3 years, and probably better. What I used to want to achieve i

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Fighting the fight

My illness is at it's worst these days. But there's one path out of here, and I have to keep moving.   I'm really messed up. But I'm making ground, and maybe, just maybe, that will make a difference.     I'm up every morning at 3, run to the gym, workout, run home, start my admin work, a couple of hours later I go to work. Do my day, then go home and deal with whatever emails have popped up through the day. I've gone from being slack on my days off, to non-stop meet

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Heavy... and trigger warnings btw

It took me a long time to come home tonight. I kept walking around, then I stopped and stood on a quiet street for a while, to think, then another. Didn't like my old spot I'd planned to use to finish things, didn't think the fall would be far enough. Probably would, but there's enough chance, and it's mostly over water and I don't like the solid bits to land on. I don't know why they need to be nice.... I just want to go back to the earth, you know.   Shit's hard sometimes. Too m

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Building

It's do or die.   It always was.   But it's different now.   It's much more raw, the hurt is much more real. I can't sit still. I can't sleep.   I'm too hungry.   My head is in a really bad place right now, but I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can create.   35 days from today, look at my life.   Give me 35 days, watch what I do.   It's going to be sickening what I'm going through, and I'm doing it while I'm

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Hard Days

I've got an illness, and sometimes it makes things hard.   I'm always strong, around people. That's the way I'm meant to be, but they get used to it, expect it and rely on it, and dump more on me because that's just the way it works for them. That's fine, I like the illusion that I matter in this world, and that I can help in some small way.   But the weight is heavy, and I'm already not doing very well.     I've got to be honest, the only plan I have for

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

The Low Point

We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.   I don't want things to be easy.   I don't want rest.   I don't even want help, or right now, love.   I don't want to sit still.   I don't want to be comfortable, or even happy.   I've got shit to do.   Give me 5 weeks, I change my world.     Take from me everything, when I think I have nothing to lose. Prove to me how much

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Do You Want to See What I Am?

Take from me everything, when I'm at my lowest.   Let me lose, when I thought I had nothing left to lose.   See what's left.   I'll show you.   Watch me build immeasurable beauty, watch me do the impossible, everything I doubted.   See what's real.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Still Fighting

Things are going good. And things are going bad. Things are going a million miles an hour right now. And I've got an illness that means I need time. And I can't take time. I can't even admit my illness, because then my whole life falls apart. You can't rely on me right now, I'm a mess and every day I make it through is a little bit surprising.   I need time. I need rest. I need love. I need patience.   But there's no room for that. Or at least, this isn't the t

MrMisery

MrMisery

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