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About this blog

Been fighting too long, to be doing this badly. I'll take whatever fight I'm given, and find the happiness, or go down trying.

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Turning Point

It's time to step up.   I'm more than this, this cowering, broken person. I am at my weakest, but that's no excuse.   This is my life, and I'm owning it. I've put too much into it to let it go. I walked a half marathon every day for 4 months on a broken foot, then it happened again a couple of months later, and I endured it again for another 4 months. I didn't bitch about my bad luck, and very few saw the pain or the fear that my foot would never heal. When people asked about the boot on my foot, I just told them these are my dancing shoes. I worked 130-137 hour weeks, for 8 weeks straight, to start my business. That's the hardest I've ever had to work, and now with things expanding I know I might be in for worse in the next few months, but I know its worth it, and I know I did that when I was seven years younger, with all of the inexperience and weakness that comes with that. I fought hard, and that doesn't even scratch the surface. I did the work. Now I'm spending most of my time wanting to throw it away. Why? Because, I'm pretty sure I'm a bad person. Not for anything I've done, but because there is something inherently wrong with me. There is no rationality. I just feel that the entirety of the world wants me gone, because there is something wrong with me. Any tiny thing goes wrong, or I'm alone with my thoughts for five minutes, and I want to put an end to it all.   That's not what this is. This illness will not conquer me. I will not break to it. There is one simple fact that I'm going to acknowledge as absolute fact: I am a good person. I wont allow myself to question that when in the midst of depression, I have proven the opposite enough. I'll take luxury of that, and I'll build from there.   Obviously this isn't an illness you can shrug off, and I do believe I'll be fighting it for my entire life, but this does have to be a turning point. Today, this hour, this minute, has to be a turning point. This cannot continue. It's time to clean up my act, and start taking every little win I can, every little positive I can build in my life I need to build. I need to make this better, whatever the path to that may involve.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Polish your shoes, when the world ends

Things aren't easy right now.   Kind of spent most of today white-knuckled trying not to end it.   I feel pretty poorly about myself, and I've done everything I can to try and remind myself that I'm not that bad. I've done a lot of very good things for a few people recently, I know there's a lot of appreciation there, but it doesn't matter. Logic doesn't matter in this. I am the worst human being on the face of the Earth, and I make the immediate assumption that everyone in the room instinctively wants to end me just to get rid of me. It's really hard crossing a street, when you're absolutely certain that every driver wants to run you over on a basic instinctual level. But you control your breath, and keep moving forward. It's also really hard holding down a relationship when you're certain that anything that isn't abject hate is a lie. But same story right, you have to work through it. One step at a time.   Still, I've always a policy for times like this. When the world ends, you polish your shoes. Go back to basics, pick a simple task that you can accomplish and get it right. We'll build the world on that small start. But I've got to be honest, I'm not up to even something that simple right now. Right now, it's just time to grab a strong drink and hang on to what strength is left. First ten minute break in this though, and I'll be polishing my shoes. Tomorrow, we build on that.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Example

I want to be strong. I want to get through this, like it was nothing. Too many people that I love have been falling down over these past few years. I guess the people I get closest to tend to push limits, and that results in some pretty impressive downfalls. This has bothered me for a long time, and when at my best I think of building my company to a point where I can employ people like this. Give some security, a net that will catch them. And the empathy to know what it's like. And the support to shoot for the ****ing stars when life swings that way. It's a whimsical idea, but I think I'll get there soon enough. I want  to be the guy who did amazing things, and who does them routinely day to day, like it's nothing, and did it with burdens no one knew about. I want to make myself an example to those I love, that things can be done and that our limits are far beyond where we think they are.   Then I fall down so low that survival is a ****ing horrific fight from hour to hour. It's messy and it's ugly and I don't know if I can keep my head above the water. It's hard, and I've gotten to a point where I know I can't take this weight alone. But I'm not capable of sharing my burden, because that's not who I am. Work out, work, be good to be people, sleep, wake up and go again. I guess I've proven that as hard as it's been I have been capable of keeping that up, so maybe I need to improve my diet a bit, and get out a bit more. Every inch in the right direction counts, and if I keep taking another inch then maybe getting through this will seem achievable, someday soon.  

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Keeping on moving

I know the following post makes no coherent sense, but that's really where my mind is right now. A million thoughts swimming around my head, battling with each other and screaming to be the thought that's heard. It's a mess, and so am I. Fighting the fight isn't always glorious. Most frequently, it's not, and it feels like losing every step of the way until you look back on it when it's done. Whilst that's the way things feel right now, I guess that's the same story as my life. Lots of battling and feeling like you're losing, and then you realise that you've done everything you set out to do and much, much more. This is what winning feels like, this is what victory feels like, this is what I made all of the sacrifices for... and I feel like this.   It's really tempting to give up, and I am heavily impaired by these thoughts and this illness, but I'm not going to cry in defeat. If I weep, it'll be with my feet dragging me forwards.   There is a better day coming, there is everything I've been fighting for and it's just around the corner, and I'm going to get there, and I'm not going to waste it. The definition of insanity may be repeating the same task over and over again and expecting a different result, but **** the world, perseverance is most of what I have to offer and I'll spend every last bit of it.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Day one

Things aren't easy right now. This illness hits like a freight train sometimes. I've got very dark thoughts rushing through my head. I've thought about ending myself a few hundred times today, and I instinctively want to be away from people because I don't want them to see how pathetic I am, and my life is.   It's an illness. Thoughts that aren't backed up by anything, but they're fed to me by my brain, which I need to be able to trust, and I cannot. Then I guess I cannot, and I'll need to find a way to work around that.   Today I woke up, worked out, did my book work, pulled around a twelve hour day at work, spent a couple of hours hanging out with a woman who's starting to mean a fair bit to me. It's a good day I guess. The work out was good too;  for some reason my numbers have gone up despite not having worked out in months... maybe I'm just more emotional now, and that's helping? I don't know, you've got to take the small victories I guess.   I've got a migraine too, and have had for the past many hours. There's this torrential downpour of horrible thoughts I'm trying to keep at bay, and my head is aching as a result.     So I'm losing right now, that's fine, that's part of it. Minimise the damage, and push through, wait until things swing in the other direction and keep building every little positive element of my life that I can to help bring more positive things in. I'll lose if I have to, for as long as I have to, and I'll use that suffering as a driving force to keep me going.   Come at me.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Turning it around

I lost the fire in my heart many months ago. I've been trying to get it back, to psych myself up and find the drive to keep on going and get to a better day. I thought I had found some place of relative strength, and I became complacent. I've got a million reasons why I'm too weak right now to take this fight. It doesn't matter, life isn't that empathetic. We go back to basics, we take simple wins and build on them. Rise in the am. Do your book work, workout, build on and maintain relationships. Let every step be as hard as it needs to be, but let every step taken be a direct attack upon my illness, and another victory. Let's take this fight.

MrMisery

MrMisery

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