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About this blog

Been fighting too long, to be doing this badly. I'll take whatever fight I'm given, and find the happiness, or go down trying.

Entries in this blog

 

Facing Challenges

I'm in a bad way. And that's okay. That's part of life, particularly with this particular burden that I have to carry. We all have our burdens, and this is mine, and it is not without it's benefits. There is a drive that comes from suffering. I must admit, I've become very resentful in this past year or so, about my health. I've worked very hard for a long time and done so much and my state appears to be the same as it used to be. But that's not true. I am a lot further along this

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

27 Minutes

We’ll draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.   The days are dark. Great. It’s something push against. You don’t do anything great when you’re comfortable, you need a driving force, something that needs to be changed.   This time I do it cleaner than I did before. There’s no caving to substances, they’re a short term fix at best. And I’d rather feel the hurt, raw like this.   I won’t rob myself of that.   Give me rewa

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Trying To Find The Llght

It's been a dark couple of years.   I'm trying to find an ounce of positivity. I just don't see the point.   Summon up a little more strength, and soldier on... but why? Why the **** does it matter.   What does anything matter?   I keep telling myself the biggest reason I'm still walking around is because of the people who'd be hurt by my ending it all. Do they care? Is that what's in my head?   Is there a reason I feel like I'm almost

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Before The Dawen

I'm struggling. A little bit. Honestly, I seem to be spiralling downwards at a speed that frightens me. I'm doing what I can to heal, but... I wonder if it's that I don't have enough time for it, or if I've got too much pressure on me, or if this would be happening anyway.   I've had three episodes this year where I've very nearly ended my life. What's scarier is that they were all in the past 2 months. That should be a warning sign.   The weird thing is that things
 

Conquering Demons

They used to be more impressive. Substance abuse and rampant alcoholism are more impressive battles, but I think we're through that and have been for a long time. Now that I see things through more sober eyes, I realise problems that I never used to know. Things like my paranoia - I always assumed there was just a lot of the world that didn't like me. And to some extent, that's always going to be true for anyone but there's a very large portion of it where I'm the one bringing those th

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

What am I to do?

What am I to do?   I have given everything.   I have done everything I can, and more.   I am extremely tired. I am extremely depressed. I am usually this way.   I wonder if I am stupid, if all of my ideas and choices are wrong, and that's why things are this way - This is incorrect, and there's no reasonable argument for that. But the feeling persists. I wonder if I am inherently a bad person, and just don't see what I am doing that is so evil and dis

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

The Truth

Life's getting better. Everything is possible. I am incredibly, unbelievably lucky. But it's hard. And it's not that my mind is against me, it's that I have an illness that challenges me sometimes.   I got drunk a while ago and spoke to a friend about how I'd planned to **** myself a couple of weeks ago. I can't remember what point I was trying to make was; maybe that things aren't as rosey as they always look, but I was surprised at how hard that hit someone. It's weird. To me it

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Healing

Today has not been easy. I had some plans for today. I had run my race... and that was that. It's been rough.   I still don't know what the plan is for tomorrow. I have no choice but to keep moving. Even today I don't have time to spend on this; I have too many commitments that I can't just drop. But here I am, sidelined with this illness. I wonder if I should stop everything and say that enough is enough, I need time to heal. But I wont, and honestly I can't. About

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Some Days Are Dark. Let me bring in the light.

Feelings change, and are rarely predictable. I thought I might be at that illusionary finish line; having accomplished everything I set out for so long ago. I felt really good. Then the weight of the world comes pouring into my soul. I'm not feeling all that good right now.   The problem is that I've pretty close to done everything that I thought might make me happy. And yeah, it's not that simple. Happiness isn't that tangible, but I thought I could nudge things in the right

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

What am I

My father said something years ago that stuck with me. I'm from a very unique family (aren't we all), who seem to live their entire lives with everything on the line. Biting off more than we can chew, is in our blood. I was complaining about not having time, or something like that, and he told me that if I wanted my life to be easy, to stop. Work 9-5. Play golf on weekends and get fat. Find a nice girl and settle down. If you want life to be easy, then don't invest yourself in eve

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Turning Point

It's time to step up.   I'm more than this, this cowering, broken person. I am at my weakest, but that's no excuse.   This is my life, and I'm owning it. I've put too much into it to let it go. I walked a half marathon every day for 4 months on a broken foot, then it happened again a couple of months later, and I endured it again for another 4 months. I didn't bitch about my bad luck, and very few saw the pain or the fear that my foot would never heal. When people asked

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Polish your shoes, when the world ends

Things aren't easy right now.   Kind of spent most of today white-knuckled trying not to end it.   I feel pretty poorly about myself, and I've done everything I can to try and remind myself that I'm not that bad. I've done a lot of very good things for a few people recently, I know there's a lot of appreciation there, but it doesn't matter. Logic doesn't matter in this. I am the worst human being on the face of the Earth, and I make the immediate assumption that everyone in t

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Example

I want to be strong. I want to get through this, like it was nothing. Too many people that I love have been falling down over these past few years. I guess the people I get closest to tend to push limits, and that results in some pretty impressive downfalls. This has bothered me for a long time, and when at my best I think of building my company to a point where I can employ people like this. Give some security, a net that will catch them. And the empathy to know what it's like. And the sup

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Keeping on moving

I know the following post makes no coherent sense, but that's really where my mind is right now. A million thoughts swimming around my head, battling with each other and screaming to be the thought that's heard. It's a mess, and so am I. Fighting the fight isn't always glorious. Most frequently, it's not, and it feels like losing every step of the way until you look back on it when it's done. Whilst that's the way things feel right now, I guess that's the same story as my life. Lots of

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Day one

Things aren't easy right now. This illness hits like a freight train sometimes. I've got very dark thoughts rushing through my head. I've thought about ending myself a few hundred times today, and I instinctively want to be away from people because I don't want them to see how pathetic I am, and my life is.   It's an illness. Thoughts that aren't backed up by anything, but they're fed to me by my brain, which I need to be able to trust, and I cannot. Then I guess I cannot, and I'll nee

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Turning it around

I lost the fire in my heart many months ago. I've been trying to get it back, to psych myself up and find the drive to keep on going and get to a better day. I thought I had found some place of relative strength, and I became complacent. I've got a million reasons why I'm too weak right now to take this fight. It doesn't matter, life isn't that empathetic. We go back to basics, we take simple wins and build on them. Rise in the am. Do your book work, workout, build on an

MrMisery

MrMisery

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