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About this blog

I will be talking about my mental health and daily life. If I ramble on about nothing, that's my therapy in action. :)

Entries in this blog

 

Everything Will Be Okay; Tiny Lessons

I tortured myself as I usually do,
thinking and jumping to conclusions,
the worst case scenario. Synchronicities piece things together with reassurance.
And the Universe is for me, right beside me,
Gratitude shows up everywhere.
My dominant thoughts become my
dominant experiences and reality. I believe in the Secret. Now I must only apply it
in full. The past I cannot change, it is gone,
and the future is out of my control
Be Present. The Present is the
Past and Future combined,
Just as I type this, it's already becoming
the past. With every letter I type,
the next letter is the future, but the
letter behind it is now the past. Live in the NOW moment.
Quit time travelling to the past with regret,
and to the future with anxiety. That makes for a very unpleasant Present. Life keeps on going. So this is now past,
because the present is continuous.
Never stopping for anyone. Mistakes come, and they go with lessons.
How would we know anything unless
we first fail, and learn what it is NOT,
to narrow it down to what it IS? World News scares me,
but I know what fear is. False Evidence Appearing Real. People may try to scare me, but I know everything will be okay.   ___   The mouse in a box
with glass of a type of acid.
This Acid is odorless,
but fatal
You’ll never know
if the mouse
is dead or alive unless
you open the box. But in that moment,
the mouse
is both dead and alive,
because of what isn’t known. That's how I feel about
reading the Bible now, Can you take the word of others
and call it a truth
when you don't even know
for yourself if it's true
or false? Like this:

Reality: Everyone has
a red box.
You don’t know
what’s in anybody else's
box but you own. You have a silver ball
in your red box. Is your reality true,
and the only truth,
about what’s in your box
as opposed to everyone
else’s box? Is your box the only truth?
What if everyone had a silver ball?
You’d never know.
What if you were the only one who got
a silver ball?
You’d never know.   What if yours had a silver ball, but everyone
else's box was empty?   What is not known
for certain
cannot be considered
the TRUTH for all.

Thank you for reading. I hope this makes sense.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Mistakes

I've been gone for a while because I was trying to sort out a problem that I recently had. I had obviously made a mistake, or I call it that. I'm afraid to tell what it is because I don't want people thinking the wrong things about me. But.. well, I had to see my psych doc on the 28th of January. He has me prescribed Cymbalta, Lorazepam, and he used to have me on Invega, but I had a seizure, so I quit taking it for the rest of last month. So, I wasn't on my antipsychotic med. I went about 2 1/2 weeks without it, without anything to stop the psychosis. Anyway, on Sunday the 27th, I was WIDE awake, and it was midnight, and I HAD to get sleep to make it for my 10:30am appointment with my psych doc. I searched everywhere for my Melatonin, because that's what I use to help me sleep. I couldn't find it anywhere. So, I had quite a few pills left over from previous prescriptions that my psych doc had written for me years ago. I thought it wouldn't hurt to take on of them to help me sleep so I could function the next day. Boy did I get in trouble for that. Lo and behold, they gave me a urine test on the 28th. I only took 0.5mg of Klonopin. I had been prescribed that years ago but still had some left. I was actually saving it for in case the world gets more chaotic and I'd eventually need them, just in case of some sort of apocalyptic type event, ya know? Better safe than sorry. Well, I'm sorry now. He b*tched me out about taking it, because it shows up on the "KASPER" report (In Kentucky, of all places, I hate it here worse than anything) (Kasper, the Unholy Ghost). He said it made it look sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad on me. Thankfully he left some notes about it just being a desperate attempt to get to sleep so I could function the next day.

I got so upset about it that I harmed myself twice when I got home, and I flushed ALL my emergency medications down the toilet. After this, I had nightmares galore, so much stress, I couldn't think of anything except how BAD my doc said it was. I agree I shouldn't have taken it. I should have forced myself to get out at midnight to get sleep meds at the store.

I felt I could do nothing right, and I'm just now barely able to keep it out of my mind. I've always been sensitive and been so concerned about what people think of me. I'm working on changing that. I've not made it yet, but I'm working on it.

Also, he ended up giving me a few samples of pills called Rexulti I think it's called. It works pretty decent, IMO. Reminds me of Risperdal. But I can't take Risperdal anymore because it gave me gynecomastia.

I just hope this one continues to work. I bet if I'd have been on an antipsychotic med all month, I"d have been able to think more clear and wouldn't have made the mistake of taking a previous prescription.

So anyway, that's why i've been gone. I'm embarrassed that I'm writing this, but they've wh*red around my "Kasper the unholy ghost report" that it wouldn't surprise me if everyone in the whole state knows what I done.

One little thing. One little mistake, and the put it on a permanent record for you. Reminds me of that social credit system in China.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

My Ginko Biloba Experiment

I was testing the Ginko Biloba that I used to take in high school.... I was trying it as a night-time remedy for remembering my dreams.

Indeed, I did remember them. However, there were a few things that made it all worse.   Anger and irritability: It caused me to be more angry and irritable upon waking. It lasted til the early evening. Not good. Sweating: I have hyperhidrosis already, but it made the sweating even more worse. Very Vivid Dreams: My dreams were so vivid that I woke in panic. I did remember them in very clear detail. However, a few days afterwards, it was as if I had not even taken it as I did not remember my dreams as well a few days later and like right now, I remember them but it's just not as clear as when I first woke up. Very Severe Headaches: I began to get 'splitting' headaches after taking this. I woke up with the headaches.

I'm sorry I don't have much else to say about this, but I thought it would be important to document it. One of you guys asked to see how my experiment went. I tried this for about 7 days. I began to notice the anger/irritability, sweating, dreams and headaches about the second or third night. And in coming out of a dream, I saw, with my eyes closed, what looked like broadcast circles that were above me "giving me the dream". It made me become a little paranoid, I was thinking I was either being given the dreams from a broadcast satellite by the government or maybe being cursed by a witch, because I dreamed of witches in my dreams; I also had a series of continuing dreams upon waking, going back to sleep, and waking again, then sleeping again. If I think of anything else to say about this, I'll make a new blog post about it. I hope this helps someone, anyone 🙂   Edit note: Also I began taking my antipsychotic medication in the mornings, and I have noticed being more irritable with it than when I take it at night. So the irritability may come from the morning dose of the antipsychotic.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Something needed to talk about; Food and Weight; More incense; Magazine; Joy

I'm embarrassed to talk about this, but hoping I can get into one of the forums here to talk about some stuff going on in my life right now that needs to be dealt with before it gets worse. So funny, and ironic, that there's nothing online about it unless you pay (forums included) so I wonder... if it's such a problem among people, why is there no help out there for free?

I ate spaghetti tonight. And ate too much. My stomach is almost distinted (however you spell it) because of it. Lately I've been out of what so terribly. I haven't been walking like usual; I haven't been eating my fruits enough. I've had a problem with something that I cannot talk about right here right now, yet. I feel like I'm gaining weight after I tried so hard to lose it.

I've been freezing my pop drinks all day today. Sam's cola, then Mountain citrus (Like Pepsi and Mountain Dew except 3 dollars less). I've had to pee a lot today too. But I guess that's good. Keep it flowing. Mom bought me some grapes the other day and they weren't due to be old until tomorrow, but yesterday they were molded and pussed. Gross. We paid $4.22 for them. Got 'em at IGA. I guess I'll have to go to Kroger or Walmart for them then. IGA's stuff is gone yuck. I like to dip my fruits in the cream cheese fruit dip. It's so good, but I must use it wisely, not put as much on my fruits as I have been. It'll cause me to gain even more weight.

I'm burning Egyptian Musk and Nag Champa incenses now. I got a new burner in the mail today. It's huge! It fits about 15 sticks at once, if you wanted to use all of it, but I wouldn't do that. Not in a small area. I usually use two at a time, and sometimes mix the scents, as long as they go together.

Found a magazine online that I wanted to get in print form. However, I thought it would be once a month and it's only quarterly. I paid $19.99. I should have made sure how many I'd get first. I guess it would be like paying $5.00 a magazine, now. Oh well. It's called Light of Consciousness. It's a New-Age type magazine with lots of stuff about Yoga and meditation.

Today I felt a sense of JOY most of the day. Usually I only feel the JOY for about 2 seconds, then it leaves me in sorrow and despair again. I don't know what's different, but I think the Universe is keeping the bad away from me. I noticed I rarely time-travelled today (going mentally into past or future). Maybe that's why. I need to stay and be present at all times. *CLAP* Present!!

I hope everyone's doing okay/good. I tried to upload a video on my other post's comments, but it hasn't been approved by a moderator yet. I thought it would just bring some smiles for you guys.

Thank you all for being here. Remember, you are loved and needed. NO matter what your feelings tell you. I'll notice if you're ever gone. Trust me. You are loved and needed, always.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Old Friend; Exercise; Eye Exam; Feelings

I was talking to a friend I had been with as a girlfriend for a little while... we broke it up after a week, but I'm very nervous to talk to her, but she seems to be doing very well, and I'm glad, very very happy for her. She is smiling in her pictures, and with a new guy, and I am sincerely so happy for her. She needed someone decent for her. I walked 10 minutes today. I'm getting back into exercise. I wish I could stick with it. Everyday. My eyes need checked. I have trouble to see my closed captions on t.v. Hmm. Kinda depressed but kinda excited, also kinda dopey today. I feel a million feelings at once. I felt joy earlier and it lasted longer than the usual 2 seconds. I want to get it back and keep it forever.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

A Big Sleep; Universe Enlightens me; Siddhartha; Books; Dreams and Memory

I slept all day yesterday! Missed everything. Even missed getting a package, so we had to go to the ups store and get it. I got a book. I was collecting books by this author this month. I feel like the Universe is making up for lost time with me. I turned on my xbox to watch youtube. Watching vids by Edge of Wonder. They were talking about Prophecy and Messiah. Then the next video that came on was about Enlightenment. I was like... wow! They even mentioned Siddhartha... a book I actually got several months ago... er, last year sometime rather, and it's about Buddha, I believe. I got out the book again because I've not read it, but I was looking for another book that was like The Alchemist. So that might be my next story to read. I like to read a STORY book and read another book similar to it at the same time... so the new book I got today would be perfect because it talks about choosing a path in life and what to expect on a more magical path. Enlightening path. Ya know?

I had some pretty weird dreams last night and yesterday. None I can remember enough to put into words though. I hate when it's like that, because I have great dreams to talk about, just my memory isn't good enough on the details. I got some Ginko Biloba. Maybe I should take it for a while and see if that don't improve. 🙂

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Gratitude; Mantra; Confidence Vs. Arrogance

I am thankful for you guys. And this website. You guys have been a great encouragement to me, and this site has been a great resource. Coming here when I've been depressed has helped me tremendously. The caring hearts and kind words that live here are inspiring. I feel very thankful to have met you guys, and found this website.

Lately there have been certain words pop up in my life:

Courage
Confidence
Humility
Focus
Trust
Perspective
Responsibility
Fear Vs. Love
Action These words I will use during meditation. I will use Courage as my first Mantra. I'm learning a form of Yoga, but only by myself for now. When I feel more comfortable, I will search for others to do yoga with, or find a class.

But for now I will do on my own what I can. I have a new DVD called Mantra Girl, and it shows in the video how 4 ladies do kundalini yoga. Interesting!

What's the difference between Confidence and Arrogance? Confidence: You trust yourself, secure in abilities, prove to yourself. Confidence: the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust. the state of feeling certain about the truth of something, a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. Arrogance: You gotta prove something to people, a lot of resistance, insecure in abilities. Arrogant: having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities.   Just making notes. 🙂   What we must do: Lose our minds, and come to our senses.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

2 latest collages

I made these two tonight. These are fun to make. Gets my mind off depression. It's better than sitting there staring at the wall, doing nothing.

I hope you guys like them :)  

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Notes taken from a Tony Robbins motivational speech

My Notes From a video called "The 3 Steps to a Breakthrough | Tony Robbins" Having courage is that while you are still afraid, you are still facing your fears. And fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. 1. The future as my mind tells me it is, is FEAR. 2. Ghosts are FEAR. 3. The Dark is FEAR. (Those are my fears. You may replace mine with yours, but every fear IS FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real). Get out of your comfort zone and do something that even you are astonished by. It’s not about being alone. Build something with someone with the same or similar vision. Loving being in an environment that people can support you, to help you become your greatest version. The body Is the subconscious mind. You have to pay attention to what you’re doing with your body, because that reveals the secrets of your mind and all our problems start within the mind, and manifests into our physical reality. We disobey our emotions which is the energy in motion (our inner guidance system.) Confidence = “to trust”. Do thinks that satisfy every cell in your body. Once you obey your true inner emotions, you form a greater coherency between the body, mind and heart. Once you are not in alignment with your emotions, with a true feeling, how can you be confident? How can you TRUST yourself? ((( My key words: intuition, focus, trust, confidence, courage, responsibility, humility, perspective. ))) Therefore, how can you trust anybody else? Professionals have practiced, yet are still learning. How do we learn? Through the bad times. Through rough, tough hard times. Through tests and challenges. Don’t rest on your laurels. You do something write, you say “I did it”… then you hear a voice “do it again” (Practice). We learn through repetition too. Highly confident people can always do it again, because it’s within them… Are you living from the inside out or outside in? Practicing everyday forms the muscle memory and it allows us to cultivate (aquire or develop, prepare and use) that trust within ourselves. (Universe inside you, trust universe). Lack of self love… looking in the mirror and you don’t like what you see? You lose trust. You lose trust when you rely on what others think of you. Lose trust when you allow another go give you value. Anything that keeps you in separation – break programming of it. Separation is related to fear. Low self esteem = feeling that we don’t have anything to contribute to the world. Or to ourselves. So we lose value. We wait for the approval of others. Love yourself when you go to the place of your greatest power. Meditation, deep rest. Externalizing your power “someone else is the cause of my problems”. This will change when you take 100% responsibility for your actions. Your own emotion. Power is within you. You are the guru. I can’t do what others do and they can’t do what I do because we’re in a different time in space. Move out of competition with everyone around you. Take back power to not be afraid of delving into the shadowland. True confidence from within, not how big your house is or how beautiful your car is. Inner knowing. We live our lives based on other’s value systems. Internal process. Punishment and reward. We are programmed so punishment and reward are learned behaviors. Dare to trust yourself! Reprogramming subconscious mind. Have the wonder, happiness and joy of a child. We all have a different purpose, follow, honor and be true to it. Lifestyle – bad, low vibrational foods = panic attacks. Self worth, the source of our own happiness = good foods, vegan even. Stop comparing yourself to others. Be inspired by them, but don’t try to BE them. Share your journey. Do what you resonate with. The greatest enemy and friend lies within ourselves. Taking risks = secret to confidence. The secret of confidence = taking risks = confidence of trusting yourself. All about versatility (ability to adapt or be adapted to many different functions or activities). You’ve done it this way for a long time. Now try something new. Become dynamic in your behavious  (dynamic = of a process or system, characterized by constant change, activity or progress. Have confidence you’re living from the inside out. Keyword: Coherency = the quality of being logical and consistent… the quality of forming a unified whole. The power is within you. Take radical action. Allow yourself to FEEL emotions as they come. Don’t hide or deny what you’re feeling. Sit with yourself through these feelings. They will not stay forever. Balance. Strive for it. Positive and negative are both necessary (think batteries) But it’s ONE Source… of energy. Emotions is energy in motion. Whatever you hide is still a part of you. Expose yourself. Tell everything that’s bad about it yourself (flaws) so your enemy / opponent can’t use it against you. People are more inspired by your struggles than your perfections. Dark things in dictionaries are always negative. Light = pure / good. That is programming and causes depression. (There are no races, border, money – this stuff is in your mind, and attacks it if you allow it). Embrace your shadow side, the darkness. In our darkest moments, we become illuminated. In the dark times, you learned your greatest lesson ever. Love the darkness and the light. Be Balanced. Stop doubting yourself and the universe when feeling the depression. There will be dark, challenging and hard times. We need to learn not to run away from them. Don’t run away from problems. Face them. Don’t be delusional. Be honest to yourself and admit you’re going through a hard time right now. Accept things for what they actually are. Forget 24/7 positive person. It just won’t happen like that. You came here to be real, not perfect. Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes. What you think of yourself is the only thing that matters, not other’s opinions of you. Fear paralyzes action. There’s nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear is separation. Suppress your thoughts and you increase your misery. Equilibrium. Overthinking? Move into radical action. Thinking? You’re not being PRESENT. Lack of self love is the root of suffering. True wisdom is the knowledge and information applied. A true wise being knows how much they don’t know. The greatest relationship you can have is with yourself.     __

Later if I can remember to, I’ll type out all the messages I got from listening to the Tony Robbins motivational speech.

Jamark8

Jamark8

A test

I'm testing to see if my background picture will show up.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Notes from the videos I posted earlier

Notes from Infinite Waters videos Keywords: Confidence and Courage Confidence is moving out of your comfort zone. Having courage is that while you are still afraid, you are still facing your fears. And fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. 1. The future as my mind tells me it is, is FEAR. 2. Ghosts are FEAR. 3. The Dark is FEAR. (Those are my fears. You may replace mine with yours, but every fear IS FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real). Get out of your comfort zone and do something that even you are astonished by. It’s not about being alone. Build something with someone with the same or similar vision. Loving being in an environment that people can support you, to help you become your greatest version. The body Is the subconscious mind. You have to pay attention to what you’re doing with your body, because that reveals the secrets of your mind and all our problems start within the mind, and manifests into our physical reality. We disobey our emotions which is the energy in motion (our inner guidance system.) Confidence = “to trust”. Do thinks that satisfy every cell in your body. Once you obey your true inner emotions, you form a greater coherency between the body, mind and heart. Once you are not in alignment with your emotions, with a true feeling, how can you be confident? How can you TRUST yourself? ((( My key words: intuition, focus, trust, confidence, courage, responsibility, humility, perspective. ))) Therefore, how can you trust anybody else? Professionals have practiced, yet are still learning. How do we learn? Through the bad times. Through rough, tough hard times. Through tests and challenges. Don’t rest on your laurels. You do something write, you say “I did it”… then you hear a voice “do it again” (Practice). We learn through repetition too. Highly confident people can always do it again, because it’s within them… Are you living from the inside out or outside in? Practicing everyday forms the muscle memory and it allows us to cultivate (aquire or develop, prepare and use) that trust within ourselves. (Universe inside you, trust universe). Lack of self love… looking in the mirror and you don’t like what you see? You lose trust. You lose trust when you rely on what others think of you. Lose trust when you allow another go give you value. Anything that keeps you in separation – break programming of it. Separation is related to fear. Low self esteem = feeling that we don’t have anything to contribute to the world. Or to ourselves. So we lose value. We wait for the approval of others. Love yourself when you go to the place of your greatest power. Meditation, deep rest. Externalizing your power “someone else is the cause of my problems”. This will change when you take 100% responsibility for your actions. Your own emotion. Power is within you. You are the guru. I can’t do what others do and they can’t do what I do because we’re in a different time in space. Move out of competition with everyone around you. Take back power to not be afraid of delving into the shadowland. True confidence from within, not how big your house is or how beautiful your car is. Inner knowing. We live our lives based on other’s value systems. Internal process. Punishment and reward. We are programmed so punishment and reward are learned behaviors. Dare to trust yourself! Reprogramming subconscious mind. Have the wonder, happiness and joy of a child. We all have a different purpose, follow, honor and be true to it. Lifestyle – bad, low vibrational foods = panic attacks. Self worth, the source of our own happiness = good foods, vegan even. Stop comparing yourself to others. Be inspired by them, but don’t try to BE them. Share your journey. Do what you resonate with. The greatest enemy and friend lies within ourselves. Taking risks = secret to confidence. The secret of confidence = taking risks = confidence of trusting yourself. All about versatility (ability to adapt or be adapted to many different functions or activities). You’ve done it this way for a long time. Now try something new. Become dynamic in your behavious  (dynamic = of a process or system, characterized by constant change, activity or progress. Have confidence you’re living from the inside out. Keyword: Coherency = the quality of being logical and consistent… the quality of forming a unified whole. The power is within you. Take radical action. Allow yourself to FEEL emotions as they come. Don’t hide or deny what you’re feeling. Sit with yourself through these feelings. They will not stay forever. Balance. Strive for it. Positive and negative are both necessary (think batteries) But it’s ONE Source… of energy. Emotions is energy in motion. Whatever you hide is still a part of you. Expose yourself. Tell everything that’s bad about it yourself (flaws) so your enemy / opponent can’t use it against you. People are more inspired by your struggles than your perfections. Dark things in dictionaries are always negative. Light = pure / good. That is programming and causes depression. (There are no races, border, money – this stuff is in your mind, and attacks it if you allow it). Embrace your shadow side, the darkness. In our darkest moments, we become illuminated. In the dark times, you learned your greatest lesson ever. Love the darkness and the light. Be Balanced. Stop doubting yourself and the universe when feeling the depression. There will be dark, challenging and hard times. We need to learn not to run away from them. Don’t run away from problems. Face them. Don’t be delusional. Be honest to yourself and admit you’re going through a hard time right now. Accept things for what they actually are. Forget 24/7 positive person. It just won’t happen like that. You came here to be real, not perfect. Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes. What you think of yourself is the only thing that matters, not other’s opinions of you. Fear paralyzes action. There’s nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear is separation. Suppress your thoughts and you increase your misery. Equilibrium. Overthinking? Move into radical action. Thinking? You’re not being PRESENT. Lack of self love is the root of suffering. True wisdom is the knowledge and information applied. A true wise being knows how much they don’t know. The greatest relationship you can have is with yourself.     __

Later if I can remember to, I’ll type out all the messages I got from listening to the Tony Robbins motivational speech.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

4 Videos on Confidence and Breakthroughs

I hope you guys can see these o.k.

I'm sorry I've posted 4 of them, but they were extremely helpful and full of wisdom, and helped me get out of my blue slump today. I hope it helps you too.

Take notes!!            

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Collages; I wish I could touch you and you know what I know now

I've been pretty depressed, so I got busy, keeping myself busy with something so the depression wouldn't be felt as terribly, and to keep my mind active through it; active on something else. I made two collages. I've got about 3-4 more posterboards I can use to do more. And I'm still cutting out of magazines now. I'll post the pictures. I hope you all will like them. It's mostly words, but a few pictures that mean something to me. I wish I could touch you all, and you would then know what I know now. I don't feel like typing it all out right now, but I watched quite a few of my Spirit Life Coach's videos on YouTube today. I took sooo many notes! I also listened to a motivational speech by Tony Robbins. I took notes on that. It helped me and my mom. :)

I have a small goal to eventually type it all out, the notes I mean. Such powerful stuff. Many synchronicities all day today,  I was very excited. I'm so thankful when I receive them, because I then know that I'm in alignment with my true purpose. However, I wish the signs were easier to recognize. Some of them anyway.

So anyway, here's my collages. I'll be making more soon.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

For Smiles, My Dog

This is my doggie daughter. Her name is Baby. But she likes to be called "BoBo" in front of the cats. I hope this picture of my doggie daughter brings many smiles to many faces this New Year. I love you guys.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Medication; Celebrating New Year; Scar; Numbers; Scary Video; Incense; Changes; Confidence

I'm feeling much better right now. I'm surprised but assume it's only because of a medication I'm on now. I've also been taking the Cymbalta that was changed from Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin is good, but it doesn't take away as much depression as Cymbalta. However, if I would have stayed with it and quit buying cigs, I would have been able to quit smoking. I know it. But I just didn't have the willpower. I know I can still quit. I don't have to have a medication to quit. I just need to be ready to give them up. If I'm not ready, and willing to quit buying them, it won't do any good. Just my thought on that. It's a new year. It just seems like yesterday that my niece was over and we were celebrating the new year of 2018. But now it's 2019. Wow! Mom, my dog and I celebrated 2019 last night. This is the first year since I was 15 that either my niece or nephew was not over to celebrate with us. Mom and I had a tiny bit of red wine, and I gave my dog a couple of licks of it, though I know it's not really good for her, but just that little bit I don't guess will hurt. Maybe I should have given her milk or sometimes she likes to have a bit of our Pepsi. My dog will be 10 years old in June! I just noticed a scar on my left hand. I guess the way the light is coming in the window made me to be able to see it. Maybe it was from when I burned myself. It must be, it's a circle. I had forgot about that one. I have so many scars from the past. But I'm glad they are the past. Mental turmoil causes bad scars for me, when I act upon the impulse. But I cannot and will not do it again. That last time WAS exactly that. The last time. Seeing my numbers again. YAY! I just saw 1:11. I see lots of numbers, usually and am glad to see them again. For a couple of days I didn't see them, and got more depressed... I need to see them for confirmation and reassurance. And The Universe always pulls through for me. I saw a video recently that I'm glad I saw. It was not something I can really talk about on here, because it was so graphic. But just to say, it's something I will no do to myself. I thought about it before, but I'm glad I saw the video to prove to myself that I'm better than I thought I was, and that doing that does not represent courage, but cowardice. I'm not a fan of blood, and just to say this: What I saw, I'm better than that. I will never try to do that again. I came close, but no. I will never even come close again. That's not me. I'm burning Egyptian Musk incense. My favorite of all. I bought it at 100 sticks for $5.00 online. I also bought China Musk, Patchouli and Opium (the incense is called Opium, it's not a drug). It was at buy 3 get one free. I couldn't pass it up, at $5.00 per 100 sticks! It smells heavenly. I like to mix them sometimes; I even have Sage, Apple Cinnamon, Lavender, Vanilla and others. I mix only the ones that smell similar. But Sage I can mix with a lot of them. Sage, to me, keeps the negative away. Okay, this New Year, I will be making changes in my life. Good changes. I've already started with losing 50 pounds last year. By the way, a note to myself, I have the Mind over Matter exercise and diet journal for 2019. I need to begin today filling it out. I don't want it to go to waste. It was $15.00!! I hope everyone is having a great New Year! Stay positive, hold your head up, throw your shoulders back, walk with confidence. Don't let others get to you. Don't let others bring you down. Be humbly confident! Always remember that though things could be better, they can always be worse. Live PRESENT. Don't let past regrets plague your mind, and do not worry about the future. The future can only be changed by what we do in the NOW, the PRESENT time. Make good choices. If you know it's bad for you, it's best not to do it. Remember you are loved, needed, and wanted. If not by anyone else, than by me, myself. Since I've been here, I've been so welcomed, cared about and liked more than any other forum I've been on. You all are worth a million dollars more than you think. A trillion! I love all of you. When depression or self-sabotaging thoughts come to you, remember that there is someone out there who thinks the world of you. If not by anyone else, than by me, myself. I love you guys. Have a wonderful New Year!

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

The Last Night of the 2018 World!; Sleep; Source Energy; Mysteries of Sight and Sound

It's almost 2019 world! It feels strange to type it, see it and write it because it seems too futuristic. I was depressed earlier and it lingers a little now. I know if I sleep tonight, I'll feel better. But I don't want to sleep now. It's 1am and I don't want to sleep. I feel like I have things to do.

The Source Energy - I found out things today. How would we know infinity if we had nothing to compare it to? How could we know good unless we knew evil? We created 'God' to control one another. "If you do this.. God will punish you!". This what I know now. If you read this and don't agree, forgive me if I offend you. 'Jesus' didn't come here to start a religion, yet his 'followers' have began one. Too many people killed in the name of 'God'.

HEY! I got something for you to do.

On your eye, the upper lid, in the corner near your nose... push in on it with your eyes closed. You should see a black circle at the lower right hand side.... move your eye to see the black dot move.

Okay... you see it?

How are we seeing that if our actual eye(s) that we see from, aren't looking at it?

What pair of eyes see it? Just like, when a song is going through your head constantly,
how are you hearing it without actually hearing it with your physical ears? What pair of ears hear it?    

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Laundry; Writing; Daily Routines; Diet; Brother; Money; Guidance; Springtime

I've been helping mom a lot with laundry lately. I enjoy getting to help. Because a lot of the time, my body hurts and I have to take meds and take it easy and don't get to do what I'd like to get done.
I'll be putting in more today. We need towels done. I woke up today with the Memoir and/or Autobiography on my mind. It more that I just want to tell what I've learned and the stories that go with them. So maybe that's just a regular book?? I'm not sure so I'll keep researching. I'm used to writing poetry only, or short stories, so this is something new. It's exciting though. Still, I have not got a daily routine, and I think that's why my day goes haywire sometimes. I guess it would also with a routine as it did when I used to go to school and even when I went to home school, I had a routine of getting up, getting dressed, feeding the dog, getting myself food and drink, watching tv shows, getting on my homework before mom got home from work, getting ready for my nephew to come over, etc. Sometimes he'd stay the night and I'd care for him and put my things aside. I think that's when my routine was interrupted. I have been sporadic with my days ever since. But I don't blame my nephew. It wasn't his fault. He was a great kid. He's very smart and of course still learning even today. He's 19 now. I remember when he was just a little one. Wow the days go by so fast as you get older. I've still been trying to eat better. Occasionally I have pizza or like this holiday season I've been having turkey and ham, but I like turkey more. I like to dip it in ketchup. My brother made a great Christmas dinner. He's such a great cook. He works a lot and I hope he gets more breaks than he has been getting. Due to circumstances at his house, he does all the cleaning and cooking. All the laundry, dishes (but he's got a dishwasher, we don't), and other cleaning. Once a long time ago, I went to his house to clean for $5. I ended up accidentally putting his pots and pans in different places than he was used to and he called me later saying "where'd you put this??". I didn't mean to. I just though it'd give him more room. I'm glad he wasn't very upset with me about that. Our money is running low, so I've been having to change brands of everything. I'm buying cheaper pop, which I shouldn't be drinking anyway. I've got juices too, but soon I'll have to drink cheaper of those too. It isn't so bad. I like the store-brand stuff. The only problem is that my fruits are a little expensive. Eating healthy is always expensive. Eating sloppier is inexpensive. I guess that's why a lot of people are unhealthy - not a lot of people have the money to eat healthy! It's ridiculous that it is that way. Only the rich can be healthy...? Hmm. I don't like that.

I haven't been seeing my guiding numbers or words lately. I'm concerned. Maybe the angels have forgotten me? Maybe they think I can do good on my own??? No!!! I need them. I need that reassurance that I'm not alone. I'm always alone except mom and my dog anyway. I know I have my brother, niece and nephew. But they are living their own lives and I understand. If I had a life other than what I have, though, I feel that it'd be more fulfilling. I look forward to the Springtime. I look forward to opening the windows and letting fresh air in. To going out in nature. To sitting under our dogwood. To breathing in fresh air. Cold weather I used to like. But now I like Spring and Fall.

Okay I guess that's all for now. If I need to get more out of my head I'll write again later. Thank you for reading. 🙂

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Comfortable; Memoir; Eyesight; Med Change; Doc

I"m currently trying to get comfortable in bed here. My thumb is huge because of a bandage. The thumb nail got dumb, I bashed it a while back and it's coming out of the bruising and all.

IT's the thumb I use to make spaces between words. I've been having trouble seeing lately. Much trouble. I need to see my eye doc I guess. I've been slowly working on my poems, and memoir, and reading some great books.

I got a new medication today but I"ve been on it before. Invega. I hated Abilify. I've been on Invega before and it went pretty well.

I still hate all the side effects of all meds.

I've been lazy today sleeping a lot but had to see doc this morning. I wasn't any good there. He noted my unshaved beard and not making eye contact. I had some indigestion issues in the middle of the night last night and had to take care of it. I lost about 3 hours sleep.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Way too coincidental to be a coincidence...

I was reading more on that Warrior of the Light book.  I wrote down the pages numbers of all the coincidences.

I just gotta tell what it's guiding me to.

Long ago, I asked for Wisdom. I was finally given a good definition of it, and how it related to understanding and knowledge. Then I was noticing everything talked about patience. So I had plenty of opportunities for to practice it. Then I learned about Enlightenment. Peace. Joy. Then something called Humble Confidence.

And now "Courage" and "Responsibility"

How you feel internally is what you will experience externally.  We attract what we are, not what we want.

I  heard today that everything will be okay. I was worried about something. But now I know it will turn out okay.

Why would they guide me this far just to let me down? They wouldn't.

I wish I could get ALL my notes together and type them up and put them here. But it would take forever. So I guess instead I'll just start posting as I have been - when it comes to me, I share it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE. 🙂 

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

New Meditation; Quotes; Definition

I was reading in the book Warrior Of The Light by Paulo Coelho about when the Warrior's path becomes too routine, there's a way to meditate that's good for the soul.

It says that if you can't meditate, repeat one simple word over and over until it will eventually lose it's meaning. (My brother and I done that when we were little, but didn't think anything about it, just thought it was funny how numb you become to something that's repeated over and over.)

Once it loses it's meaning (the word), it will take on an entirely new significance. "God will open the doors and you will find yourself using that simple word to say everything that you wanted to say. "When he is forced to perform the same task several times, the Warrior uses this tactic and transforms work into prayer." Too coincidental. I was just in PM with someone who had trouble expressing their feelings and couldn't find the "word(s)" for it.

WOW.

It may be a small world after all, but it's a much bigger Universe than ever before.

The Universe smiles at synchronicities.

Synchronicity:
When your dominate thoughts align with your life and become your dominate experience;
the simultaneous occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection;
meaningful coincidences;
a set of coincidences that are meant to be noticed.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Merry Christmas; thoughts; meh.

I'm beginning to wonder why I stay on the computer so long. I took a 6 month break away once. Then I didn't want to get back on!

Been seeing things out the corner of my eyes the past week, it is worse today. Shadow people blacker than black. They keep looking around the corner at me. And last night I saw what looked like smoke in the living room, but I wasn't smoking in there, I was headed to the kitchen from my room.

When I took some pictures, I saw orbs, but they left before I could get a pic of them.

I must go now, I got a dinner to go to.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HOPE YOU GUYS GET FEELING BETTER, I SENT YOU POSITIVE VIBES, INFINITY OF JOY, PEACE, LOVE, COMFORT AND GOOD HEALTH!

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Responsibility; Gratitude; Notes I took from a Video

What you seek, you already have. It's inside you. All along we often go out of ourselves to seek truth and wisdom. But it's inside us.

YOU are the power you are searching for.

Enlightenment is knowing how much you don't know. (Wisdom)

What you believe creates your reality.

Seeking Truth and Wisdom? You're on the right path now. When you don't want it, that's when it comes.

People always give up right before the magic happens.
What you believe creates your reality.

People who misuse the power won't tell you that the battle is for the hearts and minds and the control your IMAGINATION.

Medea / Media, it controls your mind and imagination. Music too.

Imagination is real thought ideas in the mind, the seed is planted (in pineal glad possibly?) and it will manifest itself because seeds were planted.

Illuminated = Enlightened.

You are creating in the physical realm. You create your own heaven and hell.

Internally you're responsible for what you create. what ever you focus on grow.

If enough people meditate on something, it actually influences a certain event.

   

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Warrior of LIght

" The Warrior of the Light acknowledges the significance of intuition. In the middle of any battle, he does not think about the enemy's disappointing setbacks, so he uses his instinct and obeys his angel. In times of peace and harmony, he deciphers the signs and synchronicities that God sends him. The Warrior knows that intuition is God's way of communication (Language) and he proceeds in hearing the wind and gazing, and talking to the stars. " - Paulo Coelho, Warrior Of The Light (A Manual) (I paraphrased it and changed a few words)

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

There is HOPE in bringing it to LIGHT; Motivational Quote

My Spirit Life Coach says " When you just express yourself, you feel a whole lot of weight lifted off your shoulders. What is greater than really saying how you really feel, no matter what people think. THAT will set you free. " I decided not to keep the post up, because I just didn't feel right about it. Come to think of it, it could have sparked arguments, etc.

I've been coming here lately when I get depressed, because reading your posts, comments and blogs, it helps me feel not so totally alone, especially in going through these things we're going through.

Just listening to me is helping me. Thank you.

Jamark8

Jamark8

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