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About this blog

Is it selfish to take a step back at the end of each day or the beginning each morning and examine who we are to others, to the big picture and maybe more importantly ourselves? This reflects on the individuals thoughts, actions, feelings, and interpretation of how we relate to the world we create around ourselves compared to our survival in the world created around us. 

Entries in this blog

 

Coming Down From The Clouds

As most of you understand and relate to, having a mental illness or struggling with mental health, often times means a drastic variation in thought process and extreme emotional experiences. Reactions to life events may be quite unusual and even outlandish to those fortunate enough to never have the experience of a "broken brain". Although I no longer see my brain as broken but very unique. I do appreciate my brain but at times it is absolutely exhausting to live inside of me. After a week of turbulence, my personal journey of defeat landed safely on solid ground. Every attempt to improve my life, create happiness, and continue on my long road to recovery failed. This left me in a fury and with feelings of total inadequacy. Hysterical at times, I felt as though I was crashing. I had become so desperate and so disoriented that all routine functions ceased. An unfamiliar depression overwhelmed my senses. I didn't bathe, I wasn't leaving the house, and my behavior became erratic. I felt disgusting, useless, and tired.All this being said I thankfully restored myself with the assistance of medication and support. This is simple proof that with long term treatment and support someone  like myself can not only survive but thrive. The gigantic brick wall that is the health care system will not keep me from the freedom from my illnesses that I seek. Instead of banging my head against it, I will choose gather every tool I need to climb over it. So I begin another week hopeful that I may stay firmly planted and hold steady. Strength is such a virtuous trait and I must continue to remind myself that I am strong. Friends, I hope this week brings you strength and solitude. Always remember, YOU GOT THIS!!!  

Rose Chavez

Rose Chavez

 

Fly Away

Lately I have spent countless, mindless, and imaginative hours with the idea of "Fly Away" somewhere. I have poured my eyes and heart over travel websites late into the night as my sleep has been totally disrupted. I am aching. I am aching throughout my body, mind and soul for something...ANYTHING to make me feel solid. I am aching for attention, comfort, and positivity. Change in my surroundings and routine, along with true rest feels like an absolute necessity right now. As selfish as this all sounds I know I am deserving of my wants and needs. Everyday caring for my husband's health and survival against addiction is exhausting. Fighting my challenging ex husband and his substitute for me concerning my young daughter is so overbearing it has taken a toll on not only my mental and emotional health but on my physical as well. I am at the end of the day a work in progress. I am a very damaged human being yet I try to the best of my abilities to remain true to myself. Everyday I put forth my authentic self whether good or bad, I acknowledge my many mistakes and flaws and I try harder. I work at my maintaining my mental illnesses and my sobriety. I need a break. A break from the reality that is my everyday life. A healthy distraction from the pain I suffer everyday both mentally and physically. However this excursion will not occur. It stays hidden in the walls within me.  Yesterday, I escaped my usual existence for a few hours only to be met with a replay of everything that has worked against me over the years. I had a very long drawn out session with a psychologist I had never met which triggered me on every level. By the end every old wound was ripped open and exposed to the infection trauma inflicts. As I recovered at home my beloved parakeet passed away in my hands.I am overwhelmed with so many mournful emotions and am truly grieving this loss of beauty and innocence. This among my husband walking lengths in front of me and completely ignoring me in the pouring rain this morning. He had an appointment with his specialist and treated me as if I was just some person and not his partner in life and love. I am traumatized, I feel broken, I want love right now. Whether it is love from a person, love from a beach, love from a peaceful sleep in a hotel, or a book alone in the woods. I just need a break.  I just need a break I just need a break.

Rose Chavez

Rose Chavez

 

BULLIED!!!

DEVIANT...DELIBERATE...DERANGED... All the devastating "D" words that describe how a few members of my husband's family member's behavior is towards us (because of me). Constantly I rack my brain over what ignorance or instance of lapsed judgement on my part caused such hatred. As I am one to typically place all blame on myself, naturally I must have conjured Hitler and become a Nazi sympathizer or something similar to attract such hostility and premeditated attempts at total sabotage!!! Truthfully, for once in my life I can say I did absolutely nothing wrong!!! I have never said or done anything negative or hurtful to anyone in his family. I have been kind, patient, loving, respectful and have taken every hit like a champ!!! What could it possibly be then? I am lied about constantly, some stories I actually wish were true!!! Like the one about me being a witch involved in a sacred coven and I have cast many spells over my husband and other people so I may have control over them.  Now in my past, I suffered a great deal of mental and emotional abuses at the hands of my former mother and father in law. Physical abuse and horrific sexual advances by my father in law. Christmas night when my daughter was just an infant my father in law backhanded me in the face and my husband hid in the bathroom. My mother in law comforted me in a very battered woman type way that just disgusted me. It was soon after that I began to see my typically docile ex husband turn into a egoistic, narcissistic, and sadistic monster. So unfortunately I have grown used to being disliked and plotted against, burned at the stake if you will 😉  My current sister in law's antics feel undeniably familiar to how my ex husband would behave. Creating negative and unbearable situations and looping everyone in while honing in on one target. She adores the drama so she can place herself firmly in the center and bathe in the glory of playing the victim. It sickens me to watch her throw crumbs and laugh as the ducks fight. She has been incredibly desperate to rid the family of me and has sucked my husband's grown children into her pathology. Although I pride myself on being one tough little cookie, and believe me I have been put through the ringer, I am very sensitive when it comes to being lied about or bullied. I turn into the far too small for her age little girl with a last name that only invited cruelty, who was poor and had the overactive imagination of a novelist, and  was tormented in school. I retreat from confidence and hide in bed with my cats and books for days. I guess I wasn't built for siblings! My only sibling, my much younger than me, weirdo brother doesn't even talk to me!!! This is quite a predicament for my husband and I. Since she addressed this with him instead of me directly should he have the responsibility to squash this undue witch hunt 😉  Or do I need to grab hold of the reigns  and deal with her myself???!!!  All I can do for now is let it roll off my shoulders but it has become all consuming for me!!! Not well and feeling down, any comparable stories or advice friends?    

Rose Chavez

Rose Chavez

 

PAY ATTENTION YOU!!!

The KEY word was "WERE"!!!  It took reading over my last blog to realize the breakthrough I hadn't  even noticed was accomplished!!! In describing my abusive mother and ex-husband, I wrote that they "WERE" my abusers. Not they "ARE" my abusers. I have worked so very hard on my mental health, to the point of dedication. I owe that to myself, to my child, to my husband, and to the one's who stuck around for me. Paying close attention to that singular and descriptive key word, brought a flood of emotion. If I have come this far, how much further can I go?!  The Stigma surrounding mental health is still prevalent. We are weirdos, outcasts, useless, and demented individuals. WRONG! Who in the ****ING **** wants to be "normal"?! Instead of being ushered into thinking we are burdens on society, I personally feel we should explore our illnesses and see ourselves as Non conformists! Sure I believe in God, but I also believe in the truth of science, ghosts, and aliens!!! I always wanted to have an alien and name him Frank and wrap him up like a burrito and take him everywhere. Does that make me a lunatic? No! It makes me imaginative and ****ing hilarious! Do I wear sunglasses indoors everywhere because my anxiety makes me terrified in public at times? YES! Does that make me a weirdo? NO! It makes me a ****ing rock star in my little world!  In the world of mental illness, at the brink is a lot worse than a "normal's" at the brink so to speak. Why be ashamed? Let's wear it like a badge of honor thinking , NO SHARON, your bulls*** high heel breaking and ruining your night doesn't compare to my total meltdown in the grocery store last week simply because some old lady asked why I had so many tattoos!!! Not even close, I win!!! It has always entertained me that during a catastrophe the mentally ill, like myself, are as cool as a cucumber, but the simpilist of things can set us off like a rocket into Bulls***ville USA!!! Try to be observant of what you are saying or writing about yourself, take notes, study it, memorize and work on it. Work on YOU! PAY ATTENTION TO YOURSELF!!! Friends....YOU GOT THIS!!!     

Rose Chavez

Rose Chavez

 

The Beast...still there.

Spewing venom in a heavy tone, she ran circles around a situation her good senses collapsed. In a chaotic loop, she repeated herself with an unknown intent. Breeding a dramatic whirlwind and lashing out with a cruel mocking tone. This was my mother, reverting back into her old ways. Causing a fight with me just because she couldn't win the one that was occurring in her own head. In the past I had always added fuel to her fires by falling into her arguments. Between the two of us with our inherited mental illnesses, trauma from events in our lives, and the alcoholism that has haunted my father and myself, my mother and I have at times displayed such hatred towards one another. We have allowed our anguish to explode into physical warfare as recent as four years ago. Three Christmases ago the arguing was so bad that my father gave me money and told me to go back home. Eight hours lies between us. We have worked so hard on our relationship over the last year and a half. It took me dying in the hospital and people confronting her about her irrational belief that I was faking it. As I entered sobriety I took on the weight of our troubled relationship as being my fault. A huge realization struck me today just like the vacuum she had once thrown down the stairs at the back of my head as a teenager. During and after I listened to my mother have a psychotic and nonsensical conversation with herself I realized I was regressing into my childhood. I allowed myself to apologize to her although I had done or said nothing. I sought out forgiveness and reconciliation from her, for what I have no idea. After I hung up with the beast, I cried, felt horribly confused and a strange feeling of desperation took over. For what?  While curled in a ball on the chair in my living room whimpering like a toddler I started to apply my mechanisms I have been working on to deter my anxiety and break free within my mind. What manifested was such a major breakthrough for my own self. My mother was the monster hiding in my anxiety closet. It is sobering and sad but I had to in the kindest way possible remove her from my immediate existence. At least until I fight through this in therapy and she comes to her senses. I used to joke that I married my mother when I married my ex husband. No longer does that humor cover up how I have been wronged. They were both my abusers.  

Rose Chavez

Rose Chavez

 

BREAKDOWN

A nervous breakdown is defined as a period of mental illness resulting from severe depression, stress, or anxiety. I say how about all all three combined with a few more issues. Add a dash of wrongful persecution by people that are supposed to accept and love you. Toss in a pinch of what feels like captivity in a broken body. Stir the pan and the outcome is a collapse, a crisis, a desperation which carries a pungent scent trail.  SO then.......The Fiasco ensues. Every last drop of trauma haunts in a swirling, cycling loop. An explosion on the outside as the heartburn of implosion takes over. Every dish thrown at the wall smashed into pieces just like many hopes and dreams. Battling the kitchen outwardly but battling your enemies and the hurtful ones on the inside. The pain is so overwhelming it takes over like a dark black cloud in a raging storm. Your voice sounds separate and unfamiliar as the anger pours out. Contortions of the face feel similar to a stroke and the possession of unusual strength is an anomaly!!!  When creation of this disaster grows cold and stale, it all comes to an exhausted end. Tired and weak , the tears begin to well as you lie down to digest all that you have done. The lights are low and the show is over. *Extreme mood swings and unexplained outbursts are all part of this unfortunate process. The mental confinement you suffer when having a "psychotic episode". I personally refer to it as showing my true inner strength. If you have no intention to nor do you act on hurting anyone or yourself....what's a few broken dishes?! They were ****ing ugly anyway!!! All sarcasm aside this is not easy and it brings on a sense of undeserved shame and guilt. I know it is wrong to throw everything I can get my hands on and scream at the top of my lungs as I suffer through this. However when you have given all you've got expecting nothing in return and you are lied about and negative judgement has befallen you it effects every one of your triggers and offsets a fourth of july in the brain and body.  Today I am exhausted from my behavior so I am focusing on self care and relaxation. Staying in my comforting state of meditation. I said NO to the bottle and that is something to be ****ing proud of!!! So cheers to avoiding my downfall and salute to a new set of dishes!!!  Be well friends, breathe, and know that no matter what creeps in around or inside of you........YOU GOT THIS!!!

Rose Chavez

Rose Chavez

 

BROKEN

Absolute Chaos, is the only way to describe the situation of one working elevator in a downtown high rise. A high rise consisting of over 300 apartments filled with unstable human beings suffering a pleathera of illnesses. The considerable majority has at least one mental illness or disease, a physical handicap, or are burdened by the disease of addiction.I myself fall into all three of these categories, I am a recovering alcoholic, I suffer neurological damage so I am at this time learning to walk again, and for the big finale... anxiety, panic disorder, adhd, and ptsd. I am on medications that have changed my life, my way of thinking, and my behavior. Other than my physical state (which as a retired jockey I am used to being "out of order") I seem very "normal" to the tenants in my building. I have cooked for these people, lent my ears and shoulder to them, and assisted them in many ways that no one else would. Despite the majority holding a thirty plus year age gap over myself I understand and relate to them.  Ever since the second elevator broke the highlighted illnesses and afflictions of these people have produced an eerie type feel to the atmosphere. It seems like zombies walk the hallway attacking the living's brains. Now I will admit watching two crazy old women battle like teenage girls over a boy, while piling into the one elevator in use is somewhat hysterical and offers some entertainment . However one argument spreads like a virus and with the snap of your fingers it becomes a full scale prison riot.  The building at this point resembles a mental institution. People linger aimlessly in the halls on the main floor just because. It is as if the simple notion of not being able to go to and from their apartment in their personal  timely fashion has caused enough panic and anxiety for them to enter a loop of chaotic behavior. Besides the elevator the trash shoot for each floor has been closed and I am sure most apartments are piling up with filth. The health department does not care, the building ownership does not care, the department of senior services does not care, so why should they? This entire setting for this situation has truly effected these people and their current state. it has magnified how broken they are. The devastation of being ignored and their well being not mattering to anyone has brought forward a depression that can be felt just by looking at them. A complete breakdown of self care, self respect, and self control.  For myself, this was a reminder to continue working on my conditions, to never let a social situation affect me to the point of losing it. Although I am just as angry, just as disgusted and just as annoyed with the buildings condition I have to do my best to remain  positive, produce a good attitude, and have empathy for those who cannot handle it. In the past I am sure I would have acted out in anger during this but because I have worked so hard to overcome regression, panic, and trauma I have been fortunate enough to obtain a new and improved skill set. I have urged those who have lost control to remember that everyone is in involved together in this situation. This is a perfect example of the fact that no one can truly know or understand another person's suffering.

Rose Chavez

Rose Chavez

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