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My Attitude for Today....

This pretty much sums up my attitude towards life in general, and people in general, for most of my life. Seriously.    Here's the other half of my world view.  Confused yet?  

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Pick Me Up....

So I've made it halfway through my day.... I even managed to wait until 130 to go to lunch, which helps 530 get here a lot faster. I'm posting gratuitous Misha  & Karl here, because Misha and Karl.                                    
 

Mornings Are Monday...

Mornings suck.  I should be heading into work right now, but fuck it.  Mornings are Monday.... a few hours of Monday hell every morning.  Though I have to admit it has gotten somewhat better since I started taking the anti-anxiety meds.  My depression has gotten pretty bad - I have many more days staring into the face of death and wondering why I'm playing hard to get...  I can say that here, because you guys understand it on a visceral level, you know? I literally got up this morning so I
 

Writing....

I might be getting back to my fanfictions - well, one of them anyway.  It's still a Supernatural AU, but it's heavily re-focused towards Christian theology.  I'm still in the rough draft stage - as in, I'm still just trying to write, and I haven't gone back and done a read through to catch any inconsistencies or mistakes.  This is the first time in probably a month or so that I've felt any inclination at all to either write or read.  That I am unable to do either is really not a good sign for me
 

Pressed for Time...

I think I've been stressed - I haven't blogged, I haven't read (in weeks 😥), I haven't written a single word in my fanfictions (in weeks 😥).  I can't seem to focus on anything. Maybe I need to get back to binge watching Almost Human to get myself out of this funk.  I've been watching Person Of Interest on Netflix.  I really love the characters.  I'm not talented like they are, but I still enjoy watching.  It manages to hold my interest, and that's a valuable commodity when stress takes my abilit
 

Needing Inspiration.....

Sometimes we just need a little inspiration, you know?  And we all have a different idea of what that is.  I know someone who reads those memoirs of people who have been through horrific events and overcome them.  I know another person who enjoys interacting with the kids that come in to the library.  As for me, who knows... I guess it depends.  I suppose what inspires us changes, doesn't it?  It's not always the same thing.  What picks me up when I"m really dragging the ground (like this mornin
 

Writing the Ending....

I can never seem to quite manage the endings when I post these blogs. I feel bad about that, actually.  Like, here you are zipping along the highway, and boom! the road is out and there wasn't even a sign to warn you.  I hate it when that happens.  Sometimes I get a proper ending in there, but most of the time I feel like I just leave it hanging, sort of unfinished.  Sometimes I just run out of things to say, and I don't know how to wrap it up, so rather than stressing over an ending I just leav
 

Feeling A Little Less Like Death...

[This entry was meant to be posted last night, but silly me got tired and went to bed instead of being stubborn and staying on the computer.  So don't be too impressed by two blog entries in one day.]    I must be getting over this Crud, because I feel more normal today... whatever normal is, LOL.  I don't feel like I'm dying, anyway.  I'm thinking I can get back to my walking routine tomorrow.  I'd love to tonight, but I think that would be pushing it, considering I have to work tomo
 

Not Feeling Well...

I've been sick since Saturday.  Just The Crud, nothing special.  It kept me out of work yesterday, and I should probably stay home today too. But it's my turn to work late and I feel obligated to drag myself there.  Why?  I have no idea.  Why am I killing myself for a place that doesn't appreciate it?  I used to believe in what I did; now, I'm just marking time.  Afraid to reach out for another job, because there's no safety net.  No savings, no credit card, no family close by to pick up the sla
 

Our Favorite Characters....

I tend to love characters that are often perceived as cold, asocial, grumpy, stoic, difficult to know - like Detective Kennex from Almost Human.  I've heard somewhere that our favorite characters are our favorites because we see part of ourselves reflected in them.  I can really see that in the character of Castiel from Supernatural.  But in Detective Kennex, I don't see some of it - stoic, difficult to know, asocial, moody... often perceived as cold hearted... I guess I think the character of D
 

Good Times....

I'm edging into the good time of the month now.  The time when I feel fairly confident and capable.  There still seems to be a disconnect between what I want to do and what I actually do. I've been looking up something called Executive Function Disorder, but I don't think I quite meet the criteria.  It's hard to say.   Anyway, because this IS my Karl Urban and Misha Collins blog, and because I need to keep my mind on more positive things, I'll drone on and on about Karl.  Because I can fin
 

Time Flies....

Wow... it's been nearly two weeks since I put an entry in here.  Last week was really crazy for me, but I'm not sure what happened the week before that.  Last week we all went to a conference for work.  Sitting in classes, routine upended completely, no hubby.... Sleep did not come easily and did not stay for long.  I messed up my exercise routine big time, but I"m getting back into the swing of things now.  We are renovating at work, so there is upheaval there, too.          I am so
 

Feeling..... How?

I don't know how I'm feeling this morning.  Anxious, which is fairly normal. I am learning that the majority of my anxiety comes from working with one particular person, who is relentlessly critical. If this criticism were in support of high standards, I would find a way to embrace it, because trying to achieve higher standards helps us grow and learn and expand our abilities.  But this relentless criticism has always been about exercising control over others.  I don't know if that distinction 
 

Feeling Good.....

Barring a few minor things like the normal morning 'runs', I actually feel - gasp - pretty damn good this morning!  I'm sure work will no doubt change that, LOL.  Usually does.  But that's okay.  For now, I feel great!  Like the song says, 'I got a little change in my pocket goin' jing-a-ling-a-ling...'  I know you can't buy happiness, but when you have a little extra to buy one or two things  (BOOKS!  ALL THE BOOKS!)  it does help quite  a bit.  The past two days I've been doing a HIIT ro
 

Attempting....

I'm adding a pic of my current attempt at crochet. So far I'm just doing a single stitch, and I"m sure I'm doing absolutely everything totally wrong.  I'm not even sure at this point what it will be - I think I was aiming for something 'scarfy', but... Well, you tell me.  After you pick yourself up off the floor laughing.  See all those curves - that's natural, and it means I'm doing something horribly wrong. I just can't figure out what, LOL.  But I'm sticking with it.  Because I'm
 

Day Off....

So.... The 'hour late opening' has turned into 'stay home'.  I'm torn between LOLing and doing a victory dance.  Woo-hoo. Icy roads and sidewalks... hopefully people will stay home and be safe. I'm just going to enjoy a day off (probably have to use hours to make up for it, but hey...)                                                                                                                                                                     I"m looking forward to writing -
 

Well, It's Official...

I think it's official - we Midwesterners don't deal with snow and ice very well.  Here in Oklahoma, at least, everyone is freaked out by patchy ice today.  There was a 14 car pile up in the Big City this morning.  And to look out the window, you can't even tell it's icy.  Yeah.  Give us tornadoes and we haul out the lawnchairs and cameras - hell, we even chase the damn things down in our cars!  Bake us to death at over 110F and we slather on the sunscreen and beat feet to the near
 

Really Hope This Works....

[I've had problems with posting in my other blog, so I really hope this works.] I retitled my blog for Karl Urban. I'm hunting down all the TV series and movies I can find where he is a primary actor.  Am I the only one who uses an obsession with a famous actor to manage their anxiety?  I've tried all that 'yoga/soft music/relaxing sounds' shit.  And I'm sorry, but my anxiety fucking SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF ITS BLOODY LUNGS!!!!  I can't even hear that 'relaxing sounds' stuff - I ge
 

Trouble posting blog posts...

All week I've had trouble putting up blog posts.  The webmaster is looking into it.  If you are having the same problem, please let us know in the q&a forum. Consistently cannot add posts to my exercise blog.... for the first time since Feb 21st, I was actually able to post a few lines, but I still cannot post consistently there.  I'm using this blog as a test to see if there is any difference.  So far, I can post in this one just fine.... [bang head on wall]
 

Facing Fears & Leaning In......

I am thinking of signing up for GISH.  It's a sort of adventure non-profit that Misha Collins started  up.  GISH (or sometimes GISHWHES) stands for Greatest Internet Scavenger Hunt (or Greatest Internet Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Known).  I've been thinking about for close to a year now.  But I always end up NOT signing up.  I AM TERRIFIED!!!  No ifs, ands, or buts..... utterly and completely terrified...... of signing up for this.  I cannot overstate the amount
 

I Need a Misha Moment....

Posting this more for myself than anything else... but that's the nature of a blog I guess. Posting for oneself, but in the hope that someone else will somehow connect with something you wrote.  I started reading a book recently, on recommendation of a friend. I wasn't sure how I would like it, but it's not bad so far.  Classic High Fantasy - Belgarath the Sorcerer by David & Leigh Eddings. I'm only on chapter 9, so I've really barely got started.  Anyway, that doesn't have anything to do wi
 

Characters That Get to Me....

[this is an old unpublished bit of blather from about a week ago] Since I blathered on about music and resonance and no one shot me, figuratively or literally, I thought I would blather on about characters - movie, TV - that really speak to me.  Maybe there will be another post for books or book characters that really speak to me.  For now we will stick with the 'visual arts', if I might be so snooty.... This should be fun, because there are so many movies I've seen that I forget.....
 

Misha-ing.....

I guess I don't understand the potentially negative nature of obsession very well.  I feel like I am sometimes 'inordinately preoccupied' with Misha Collins, and sometimes Karl Urban.  But mostly Misha.  When I am overly preoccupied with him, it is generally because I have 'trained' my anxiety to focus on something relatively harmless in comparison to what it wants to obsess over - my mistakes, ad nauseum & quia in aeturnum, amen.  😑 (that last is latin for 'for forever').  I suppose f
 

Not Sure What to Say....

....Which means I should probably not say anything until I get my thoughts together, huh?  I'm trying to get used to the idea of expressing my thoughts and feelings, and even having feelings if that doesn't sound crazy enough. I feel like I spend most of my day stuffing things.  Like the song in Frozen, 'conceal, don't feel'.....  I think I might have missed taking my meds this morning... I can't remember for sure.  I think I need to break down and get one of those daily pill things.  This tends
 

Resonance...........

Some songs do more than resonate.... Some songs reflect such a deep, perhaps previously unrealized part of yourself that you simultaneously want to hug fiercely the person who wrote it and beat them upside the head for putting a recorder in your brain to record your thoughts..... Oh, no one else thinks that?  Oh, well.                         Anyway, some songs are just fundamentally 'us' in some way or another.  Here are a few of mine, in no particular order..... [and yes
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