I'm posting this mainly to cheer myself up a little.
I need a little Misha and Castiel.
I've been on a self imposed hiatus watching them and writing about Supernatural and Castiel.
Don't ask me why, there is no logic to it, whatsoever.
Common sense ain't so common... and I don't have as much of it as I thought I did. I'm just now getting to a point where most people would have started from.
Up to now, I've not been monitoring resource usage. Like electricity - I live with Polar Bears who would rather live in Arctic conditions. And that is not cheap when you live in the Midwestern United States, where summer temps of over 105F are a regularity from June through August and frequently into September. TBH, anything under 95F during this time is considered a cold front.
But I'm done with literally driving myself crazy trying to pay for a lifestyle we cannot afford. And I don't mean 'no more fancy clothes' cannot afford. I mean 'I can't buy food' kind of cannot afford. I'm just done. I've decided I will pay so much every month for the electric, and anything over that my dearest family can find a way to pay for. Because I. Am. Done. I am done dying - not because I object to dying but because I object to dying for no reason - I object to dying for the same plot of ground over and over. I don't mind dying if I'm making progress.
Does that make any sense? I hope so.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother. I really do. Financial worries are hitting me now. It feels like a paraphrased version of that song 'Did I Shave My Legs For This?' by Deana Carter.
Did I give up what I like for this?
I gave it up such a long time ago that I cannot even say what I like anymore. It just hasn't been relevant to my life for me to think about what I enjoy doing.
Wow. That's depressing. No sh**, Sherlock. You don't say.
I have no idea what my interests are. No clue whatsoever. Do I like to knit? I have yarn and needles, but haven't tried it yet.
Do I like cross stitch? Sort of, but I'm not detail oriented enough and always mess it up.
Do I like writing? Yes, and I don't do too bad a job of that. There are better writers out there, absolutely. But I'm no slouch.
Maybe it would help if I found something I like to do that doesn't have to do with work.
Because right now I feel like a paycheck. And it s*cks, let me tell you. I feel like the sum total of my worth is what I bring home, and its. Not. Good. Enough. By. Far.
So, maybe something not work related (like writing) will help me feel better about myself.
I just realized yesterday that I have been avoiding my favorite series and my favorite character. For several weeks now. I haven't worked on the fanfiction based on Castiel and Dean, and I haven't resumed watching Castiel heavy episodes of Supernatural, or even binge-watched and updated myself on the series.
This is a Serious Harbinger for me. It's a Sign Of Things To Come. And it's only September.
It's like you're out deep sea fishing and suddenly there are no fish anywhere, no dolphins, no nothing. And you know enough to realize that the little fish are gone because The Big Fish Is In The Area. The one who could Swallow You Whole, Boat And All.
Something is coming up out of the deep, swimming up from my unconscious mind, I can feel it. I can feel it like a pressure wave, like when my husband can feel the helicopter from a few miles out even when you can't actually hear it yet. (He was an USAF FAO)
I'm gonna fangirl about Misha for a minute, then it's time to take myself off to put the old nose to the grindstone so to speak.
I love Misha's website. It looks like a normal site, but if you click on it, the screen sort of goes crazy like your computer's video driver went nuts, and you end up on 'Death2Normalcy'.
See, this is why I Love Misha.
He was bullied growing up. I can't imagine anyone not loving the heck out of him, much less being mean to him.
And it has given him a real heart for helping people who don't fit in. He and Jensen and Jared have done so much for Supernatural fans.
They've started several charities that reach out to those who wind up in the margins, the misfits.
It almost makes me want to overcome my Extreme Fear of Relating to People Face to Face.
Yeah, I know it sounds like a stupid fear.
I am scared to death of getting to know people face to face. Yep, you read that right. I think it's called Anthropophobia.
So you can imagine that the concept of relating to Misha or reaching out to him is actually Petrifying with a capital Terror.
I feel like I have wasted my entire life fighting depression and not getting anywhere.
But Misha sort of makes me feel like it might actually conceivably one day be do-able.
My life is still a waste compared to his, but I'm not going to let myself dwell on that.
I'm here to survive, and I've learned that Certain Thoughts lead to Certain Side Trails that lead to Certain Cliffs of Doom that hold
Certain Temptations to Sit and Talk to D*E*A*T*H for a While Like the Friend He Is.
So I avoid thoughts that tell me how worthless I am. Yes, I still agree that I am. Yes, I am still working to overcome that.
And part of working to overcome that is realizing Where I Can And Cannot Go.
Next time maybe we'll talk about how much I Am Castiel. Really.
It's been a quiet day. I took the day off to take my youngest to the doc, but our car is so bad we didn't make it very far out of town before we had to cancel and turn back. Thankfully it was only a checkup.
I've been doing my best to keep my mind off of work issues, but having to write out my observations of a recent work incident has kind of made that a challenge. Still, it's been sort of productive. Dishes are done -and put up. Trust me, in our house, that's a big deal, LOL.
We watched the movie Next Gen on Netflix and I cried at the end.
The robot 7723 ends up deleting his memories so he can re-upload his weapons system and defeat the Big Baddie. Now that I'm pushing 50, things like Alzheimer's loom on the horizon for either me or my husband (or not at all), and next thing I know I'm bawling a little. Hey, for me that's a big deal. I never cry. So it was healing.
And I have to say that the movie strikes me as a thinly veiled reference to Jobs and Wozniak. And yeah, if you watch it, you'll realize I'm understating it.
So despite the references to the movie Next Gen, here is a picture of Misha. Because, well, his name is in the blog title.
All the financial things seem to happen at one time for me. I don't know if it's like that for anyone else. 😕
And the frustrating part is, I don't have enough left over to put in our nonexistent savings.
Yeah, I can hear someone now piping up now that there are things I can cut out. Actually, no dear, there aren't. 😕
We've been at this level for -years- now. 😞
We never go out to eat anymore (birthdays maybe & even then only McD level & I pretend I'm not hungry), no cable, no land line, minimal cell phone plans, no entertainment or travel, no clothes/hair/cutesy girl stuff budget... trust me when I say there is nothing else to cut. 😕
I try to only eat one meal a day and a snack. It does wonders for my iron levels once a month, LOL. Feeling woozy can be fun. 😕
Tooth pain from a tooth that's needed pulled for the last month really helps with the whole eating less thing. If it weren't for the pain, I'd recommend it as a diet aid, LOL. 😕
Is this really what I am working for? 😕
Oh, and you have my apologies for the TMI financial stuff.
BTW, that last pic is me, looking up at God to see how hard He's laughing at me....
I cannot seem to get up. I'm stuck in a downward spiral because of car and kid issues. I really need to get up, but I'm having a hard time finding a reason why.
What is the purpose of me if I cannot be there for my kids? I mean, really?
I can barely feed the ones I have, and I can barely make it over to see them twice a month. It feels so... woefully inadequate.
Useless. I am utterly. Useless.
I'm trying to remember how stubborn I am, how I wasn't going to give up like this.
For some reason, it escapes me.
Days like today, I wonder why on Earth I ever look up from my books or fanfictions. I'm broke, my cars busted, and my kids need help I can't get there to give them.
Few things in life suck b*lls worse than not being able to help your kids when they need you. I sh*t you not. Don't even bother telling yourself it'll get better when they get older.
Nope. Try again. It actually gets harder. Because you have to balance the help they think they need with what they really need to learn and do for themselves.
And as badly as it hurts to see them fall down and skin their knee when they're little, it's even worse when they're older, because it's a lot more serious than skinned knees.
And here I am, stuck with a bum car that can't make it out of town, and no money to fix it with. Even when I get paid I'll be playing 'which-bill-do-I-not-pay-in-order-to-fix-the-car' roulette.
But you know what? I refuse to give up. Absolutely. I may be messed up, but I've learned that much.
I feel like I'm in the Hinterlands. I'm actually feeling pretty good; a bit tired, but good. It's a little scary, and it makes me feel wary, too. I am really messed up, apparently. So I'm just going to do my best to enjoy feeling good, and not let negativity get me down. For however long it lasts anyway.
The last few days have been wonderful for my fanfiction and not so wonderful for me getting anything else done. I got 20+ pages written the last couple of days - of course I'll have to edit and rework most of it, but it's 'on paper' so to speak for me to work with. That's really the only part of life I'm enjoying right now. Everything else feels like stress and confusion.
I'm still looping, but I'm using it, working with it. I"m using it to focus on my fanfiction. It's really helped a ton to be able to redirect the obsessing into something that is not toxic for me. I used to loop over and over again about the same few events - whatever event had triggered my panic and anxiety, and then often that would devolve into every mistake I have ever made (and these are things I consider mistakes, not necessarily things others would notice). So instead of fighting both the negativity and the obsessing, I've chosen to use the weapons I have - namely the obsessing - to fight the most important battle - the negativity. As long as I can keep from circling around the singular triggering event or person, and as long as I can keep from devolving into self loathing, I feel I have won a victory of sorts. Castiel and Misha are important to that battle right now.
I guess I should put this in the 'notes' blog since it's a little more negative, but I really need a picture of Misha right now.
This morning is going to be a little tough. I really should not complain - it could be worse. I could be back in retail. Or I could have any number of physical difficulties. So these hard times are basically all due to my wonderful brain (read with heavy sarcasm). I woke up with bad anxiety yesterday morning and it hasn't gotten much better. I barely slept last night. I have been taking something besides Benadryl at night to help manage pain the last few days, and I think that's why. My family doc (GP to those in Europe/UK) told me to take Benadryl at night to help me sleep. Oddly enough, it seems to take a couple of hours to take effect. It's the same way for my youngest, too. I guess I hadn't realized how much Benadryl was helping my anxiety; I suppose that is one good thing about the last couple of days. A bad thing is that my anxiety was 'justified' because some stuff happened yesterday, albeit mild. I can't go into it, but I and everyone else at work ended up with half a day off, so that was nice even though it was unpaid.
I tried to keep my thoughts distracted, but it didn't work very well. I completely forgot about taking my Benadryl until nearly midnight. Yep, that usually means no sleep. There are reminders to go by, habits my husband has at certain times, but I lost track of time. I saw him go about his nightly 9pm routine and thought 'I'll get up in a minute' and never noticed when he finished that routine about 30 minutes later. Next thing I know it's nearly midnight. Yep, that's me; completely oblivious to the outside world - and by outside world I mean anything not in my head. When I panic, it only gets worse. I have no idea what people are talking about (like my youngest) when they talk about being 'hyper aware'. No clue.
So I've been using my obsessive and circular thoughts to keep my mind away from anxiety loops that tend to 'ramp me up' as my husband says. So the circular thinking is still there, but it is 'harmlessly' diverted by song lyrics and other thoughts (like Misha or my husband), instead of endless loops of '20Years bloopers' accompanied by feelings of intense shame, self revulsion, and humiliation. As long as I can keep my thinking in one of these tracks, I can manage it. I still have to watch out for a tendency to 'blurt things out' or ruminate too much on every little thing others do and say around me. But I've learned to recognize those things, sort of. I still have trouble with 'blurting', but not as badly as I used to. When blurting is a problem, I get the feeling that something bad will happen if I do NOT speak up. And recognizing that feeling has been tricky. Where most people find themselves 'muted' due to anxiety, somewhere in my few years of being a single mom I turned from the 'muted' to the 'blurting' problem.
Anyway, Misha thoughts against the darkness; wow, dramatic me there.
I'm posting this at a weird time because it's been a weird day. Can't say more, we'll just leave it at that. I was watching the YouTube video for that EMF song 'Unbelievable' because, well, the chorus was rolling through my brain for nearly a solid three hours this morning before work. And I saw a Destiel video for Beyonce's Halo in the line up. So I clicked on it.
I have loved this song since I first heard it a few years after it came out. I love Beyonce's original video for it. It is very much my song for my husband. So much. In so many ways, I am Dean, and my husband is my Castiel. My husband saved me from my own Hell, just like Castiel pulled Dean from literal Hell in the Supernatural series. Dean is stubborn, relentless, cannot quit to save his life, insanely loyal, blind to his own goodness, convinced of his own failure and worthlessness, goes off without thinking... Yep - check, check, check them all. Yep, yep, yep. Dean is so profoundly broken in so many ways it amazes me he's still on two feet. And he throws away his own life every chance he gets - because he sees himself as utterly and completely without worth. Yep. I know how that feels.
Of course, in real life it doesn't fit that way. In real life, my husband is very much my soulmate, and I am as dedicated to him as Dean is to Sammy on the show. Real life is some mixture of the two, and I often see bits of myself in both Dean and Cas. https://youtu.be/NT5A09Gp_6o
Here's the original Beyonce version of Halo for those of you who don't know or care about Destiel.
I've been tossing and turning since about a quarter to six, and now it's just gone seven, and I'm finally up.
Two bathroom trips and an hour of tossing is what it took me to finally get out of bed.
And I've been anxiety looping this whole time. I've had the same song lyrics pushing through my head over and over.
But that's okay. Because the alternative is all my mistakes pushing through my head over and over.
So I'll take EMF 'Unbelievable' chorus, and a line or two of a verse, instead, thank you.
Only it gets all mixed up in my head, it's been so long since I actually heard the song.
In my head, though, the 'your purple prose' becomes 'your appetites', not sure how.
Is there actually a version out there like that? EMF is a Brit band, maybe the US version is different?
Or maybe I just can't understand the words, like anyone else. His accent does show up quite a bit in some parts of the song, though.
So here's how it rolls through my head:
'The things (the things) you say (you say)
Your appetites just give you away
The things (the things) you say (you say)
(short instrumental emphasis)
(short poppy instrumental with vocal exclamations)'
Rinse and repeat.
Since a quarter to six this morning.
My current question is, what am I looping about?
Oh, and on the subject of last night, I had a nightmare last night, a semi-weird one. And I remembered it, which is even weirder. So I wrote it down. It's odd enough for me to remember dreaming that I always try and record my dreams.
I work at a library, BTW. That's key.
So, I was sleeping (lying down on my back) on a high table near our front checkout counter (that table doesn't exist IRL, BTW).
No pillows, no blankets, no nothing. Just lying there, dressed like I was going grocery shopping. After a few minutes, a person in black silhouette (long hair and a wide brimmed hat) comes from the area over my right shoulder (behind me, from the main body of the library) and starts choking me.
And it was a literal silhouette, like it was cut out of shadows. When I would have passed out is when I woke up. When I woke up, IRL the covers were touching my throat, but not choking me.
I feel like the shadow was dressed a bit like one of the three musketeers, even though it was a black silhouette. And it felt genderless, even though the hair was long.
And get this, the figure chokes me by putting two fingers against the part of my throat just below the Adam's Apple, like Castiel does when he puts someone to sleep on Supernatural - only he puts two fingers to their forehead, not their throat.
Anyway, that's my weirdness for the day. I don't think it will pay to look into this too closely yet, since I have to get myself together for work. Calm, professional, no matter what happens and all that rot.
The above pic is me at work. Stone, unaffected.
Inside, I"m like this, only bloodier.
Sometimes it's hard to hang on.
I have spent most of my life feeling like an 'alien in a human suit'.
Like something happened when I was younger, and I died maybe, and the angels never quite got my soul to fully attach to my body.
Even after 48 years here, I still have many mornings when I look in the mirror and don't really recognize who I see there.
Oh, I'm not looking at a stranger.
I just don't feel 'attached to who I see there, like I'm looking at someone else's selfie.
I'm getting very tired, you know?
It's hard to take care of a body I don't feel attached to.
It's hard to find reasons to take care of something that still feels alien to me after 48 years.
And actually, I think I did die when I was little.
I was at a lake with my family and cousins.
I drowned, and stopped breathing.
My dad saved my life - had to get me breathing again.
Maybe that's when it happened, do you think?
So for me, Castiel is highly personal, and Misha Collins is very important for bringing him to life in such a special way.
Misha did such a good job bringing us Castiel that they kept him - Cas was only supposed to be one or two episodes at most - now he's a main character.
And I'm glad.
Sometimes I watch Castiel and I almost cry.
Castiel is an angel wearing a Jimmy Novak suit, with Jimmy Novak's permission of course.
And here I am, just a nobody wearing a 20YearsandCounting suit, only it's just me in here.
I even have a raincoat that looks a lot like his signature trenchcoat.
I'll have to engineer a new avatar/profile pic wearing it sometime.
I was just re-reading what I've written, trying to make sure it makes some sort of sense. And I thought about that song by Linkin Park, 'Heavy'.
That is so spot on. Sometimes it just gets so heavy to keep carrying, you know?
But I'll keep carrying it.
If there's one thing I"ve learned about myself it's that I am stubborn to the point of being stupid.
I'm too stubborn to quit, to stubborn to check out early.
I'm not knocking those who have.
I'm just too stupid to know when to quit.
You guys keep me going. I know it's been rough lately.
Storms are only temporary, but when they spin up overhead, they sure as hell don't seem
like they'll ever go away.
I really hope you guys are still sticking it out with me.
I took this in May - yeah, I'm one of those idjit tornado chasers - hey, I"m from Oklahoma, aren't I?
It looks cool, but there's nothing there, it's 'all hat and no cattle' as we say around here.
And of course it wouldn't be my Misha blog without the requisite Misha pic, so here's a hug
It's been sort of a good day, if you don't count the pesky little fact that I stayed home sick.
Yeah, silly me thought that maybe it might not be a good idea to work since I was nearly passing out every time I stood up.
I know, I'm a wimp.
So, actually, it's been a good day, unqualified.
There. I'm being brave. Aren't you proud of me?
Yeah. Right. Me neither.
So here's my Dr. Sexy.
Well, not my Real Dr. Sexy (the one I married).
I really wish I could post a picture of him,
all duded up in his bike leathers, do-rag, biker boots,
favorite tee shirt, faded jeans. Sigh. God, he's awesome.
I'm going to have to convince him to let me do a photo shoot
of his eyes. Amazing green, with gold in the middle.
Sigh. Did I already say how awesome he is?
Anyway, my substitute Dr. Sexy...
I'm gonna call this a Normal Monday, because even though it sucks, that's because Mondays always suck.
If you have a good Monday at some point, let me know so I can haul out the alcohol and celebrate properly. 😜
All in all I'm not sure what I think of my weekend.
Need new something on the car, which thankfully hubby can do, but we can't buy the part until I get paid. 😕
So no out of town travel. Thank God I can at least still motor around town.
We had planned on visiting my oldest (prego with her second) but thanks to the car, we couldn't.
And she couldn't come over because, well 7 months prego (any mom will tell you that is enough right there)
and she having some problem with severe itching in her hands and feet. 😞
Hoping it's not bad, we're waiting on blood tests to find out what it is.
On a positive note, I got to spend most of Sunday writing my fanfiction. 🙂
Any day I get to spend working on a story is a good one. 🙂
As I say that, I hate admitting I have good days.
I'm afraid it makes me normal.
And what am I if I'm not struggling with depression?
Wow, screwed up much me? 😕
PS, I may start using smilies to track the tenor of my blog posts. 🙂
Sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm being positive or negative.
I feel like I'm positive, but sometimes it's 'positive things are going to go to hades', LOL. 😜
I really have no words this morning. It's Friday.
I'm still working on reminding myself how blessed I am.
It's hard to feel blessed, though, when you've reduced your expenses as far as you can, given up
all the stuff you used to enjoy, and you still can't pay all your bills or save up for future disasters.
It doesn't feel like a blessing to not be able to buy & cook the type of food that would help my husband heal properly.
It doesn't feel like a blessing to choose between which necessities I need the most.
It doesn't feel like a blessing to not be able to even afford the gas to go to free places and events.
TBH, none of that feels like a blessing.
And none of it is 'compensated' by telling myself I'm lucky to have such a great job.
And that's my hangup.
So here's Misha, being weird.
Ever had one of those days when you wish you felt sick, or had a broken arm so you could have a legit reason to not go to work?
Not because you want to stay home and goof off, but because you're just having a hard time 'adulting' that day?
Yeah, that's today for me. I'm having trouble adulting today.
I feel like a car with a faulty tie-rod end - the next bump or pothole could send my tire flying off into the blue yonder
& leave me stranded.
I really need to stop, put the car up, and fix it, replace that tie-rod end before it goes.
So why don't I?
It's gonna be a long d*mn day today. Today is my late day, I won't get home until after 7pm.
I really need to remind myself I"m lucky. I need to count my blessings; for me, it helps.
There is such a tendency to only see the negative, it's not deliberate, but it slips in
when I'm not careful.
I feel like I'm teetering on an edge again; walking a tightrope no one else can see.
Last week was a little tough, but I"m lucky I was only subject to the by=blows
of events, and not the actual focus of them.
It makes me nervous, though; I wonder when it will be my turn to be the focus.
But I cannot think like that, I just can't. I can't let that monster out of the bag.
It serves no purpose except to trigger me; it doesn't help me prepare.
I know this is a little dark for my Cas & Misha blog, but I missed posting Misha yesterday.
I have to say I love Jared Padelecki's Sam Winchester, but for different reasons.
Something about him reminds me of my son; sort of a gentle, quiet, intelligent, capable giant.
Sometimes, I feel like this one below when stuff happens; I just sort of pray this to God sometimes, forgive me, LOL.
I have to laugh at some point or I'll go nutter. I really do wonder at God sometimes. His def of good and mine
seem to be slightly different.
Well, my angels, it's been a productive weekend - for me, anyway. My style of productive, which would probably still be a vacay for some. I got several chores done Saturday, one of which was cleaning the fridge. Which I generally put off, because, you all know how exciting it is to clean the fridge. Maybe I should have waited until time for science experiments to be due, then passed off some of the contents to desperate students. 'Study of Penicillium in an enclosed, 38F environment'. LOL.
Today, I got to visit my oldest and my granddaughter. Yep, I'm that old. She's a little corker, too.
This last week was pretty eventful, and rather more full of drama than I would prefer. But I survived. Sometimes I think 'd*mm*t, I survived' and sometimes I go 'whew'. Not sure which one I was this week. I haven't written at all on my Supernatural fanfiction all week, that's how it's been. I just don't feel like me when I can't write.
So anyway, here's my Misha, it's been a few days, heck since nearly last weekend apparently. That last one was Misha in the movie 'Legends'. Gonna have to see that. 😉
I just want you all to know you are all my angels.......
Sluggin' in out hard and dirty with depression, anxiety, bipolar, borderline personality, disassociative identity, PTSD, schizophrenia, psychosis, and any number of other horrible things our minds and bodies are capable of doing to us.
You. Are. All. Angels.
I know sometimes it seems like no one gives a rat's furry little *ss burning in h*d*s, but don't believe it.
Because I care, and any number of others here on DF care.
We might be known to you only on the internet, but we're still real people.
I understand that it's hard and it sucks donkey b*lls but I also understand it's worth fighting, dear ones.
It is, I promise.
So, here is a song for you.
'...if you need a friend / there's a seat here alongside me...'
Putting in a trigger warning for this next one...
took me months to be able to listen to Chester sing this one, and I still cry.
People out here care about you...
We'll help you hold on.
Just don't let go.
Oh. My. God. (say that like the Scottish girl in 'The Empty Hearse' episode of Sherlock)
I might be having a - gasp - good morning!! Egads, Watson!
Sherlock metaphors aside, today is not bad.
There are still things bothering me, but they feel do-able.
So we will engage in another Celebratory Misha, and throw caution to the wind this time.
What the hell. I can live dangerously!
Notice I'm pulling out all the stops this time, with the extra sexy dad pics.
Yep. I'm a nerd. Good dads are sexy. So what.