Jump to content
A New Look Read more... ×
Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
    58
  • comments
    65
  • views
    1,818

Entries in this blog

 

I Need a Misha Moment....

Posting this more for myself than anything else... but that's the nature of a blog I guess. Posting for oneself, but in the hope that someone else will somehow connect with something you wrote.  I started reading a book recently, on recommendation of a friend. I wasn't sure how I would like it, but it's not bad so far.  Classic High Fantasy - Belgarath the Sorcerer by David & Leigh Eddings. I'm only on chapter 9, so I've really barely got started.  Anyway, that doesn't have anything to do with Misha.  I find myself casting about for a finger hold.  You know?  Clinging to the side of the cliff, looking for finger holds and toe holds, making my way up.  Though I never seem to get to the top.  I feel like I'm getting closer. 
 

Characters That Get to Me....

[this is an old unpublished bit of blather from about a week ago] Since I blathered on about music and resonance and no one shot me, figuratively or literally, I thought I would blather on about characters - movie, TV - that really speak to me.  Maybe there will be another post for books or book characters that really speak to me.  For now we will stick with the 'visual arts', if I might be so snooty.... This should be fun, because there are so many movies I've seen that I forget..... I guess we'll start with the namesake of this blog, the Seraph Castiel.... Castiel is an Angel inhabiting a human body - specifically, that of devoted Christian and family man Jimmy Novak.  Castiel often says one of his biggest regrets is what happened to Jimmy Novak, and everything he endured while Castiel inhabited his body.  Of course, in Season 5 ....................... SPOILERS ................................... Castiel is obliterated. And though Castiel is brought back (Thank Chuck.... literally) as Castiel 2.0, the Seraph, Jimmy Novak died and went to his personal heaven.  (Supernatural's depiction of heaven is another blog post, BTW). So you have a socially awkward figure who has literally spent millennia observing humanity and loving them from a distance.  The body he inhabits is not his natural form, and on the occasions when he does lose his Angel Mojo and become human, he struggles greatly with the daily necessities of being human. Even when he is human he still gives a very strong impression of feeling... apart.... from humanity.  Like the suit he's wearing just doesn't fit quite right.  I can make a joke here about how accurate that is when your True Form is approximately the size of the Chrysler Building, but inside.... Inside I'm absolutely crying buckets.  My entire life I've felt like that.... like somehow I got the wrong suit and I can't figure out where to take it for alterations, so I never get as attached to it as everyone else does with their suits....  I'm not crying, you're crying....         
 

Misha-ing.....

I guess I don't understand the potentially negative nature of obsession very well.  I feel like I am sometimes 'inordinately preoccupied' with Misha Collins, and sometimes Karl Urban.  But mostly Misha.  When I am overly preoccupied with him, it is generally because I have 'trained' my anxiety to focus on something relatively harmless in comparison to what it wants to obsess over - my mistakes, ad nauseum & quia in aeturnum, amen.  😑 (that last is latin for 'for forever').  I suppose for some people, there is great difficulty in focusing on anything that is not their 'Misha', and for some, that can be a profoundly negative experience. I just know that thinking about Misha or Karl is vastly and inestimably preferable to having all my 'manifold sins and wickedness' (read mistakes) play on eternal repeat in my head. Do you like how I've swallowed a thesaurus here?  I must be somewhat more discomfited than I thought, because that's what happens when I get flustered, LOL.  The words get longer.  On the page it's somewhat artificial, but not by much.  On the page I have time to think, but I still pretty much write whatever comes into my head at the time. Sort of modified stream of consciousness writing.  (stream of consciousness, ie James Joyce' Ulysses, a headache I have yet to tackle).  And funnily enough, I have yet to get back to watching Supernatural.  I am far too connected to Castiel to watch someone else play around with his life. (read: have the writers torture me).  I haven't watched since before Christmas. I don't understand how I can do that.  Obsess over an actor but not watch the show he's primarily known for and my favorite character.  I don't even want to meet him, TBH. Interacting with people IRL is one of my phobias - actual phobia.  As in, avoiding unnecessary interactions interferes with my life.  I don't socialize outside of my family. Period.  I work in a library, which I feel is as quiet as you can get in a 'service industry' job.  I would far prefer a factory job, but those are not available right now, and I cannot jeopardize my job.  It taxes me to a degree I cannot explain to have to 'people' every day.  Like that Castiel meme where he is talking about how whatever he's about to do will apparently require 'interacting with people' and his 'people skills are a little rusty'.  I avoid grocery store trips whenever possible, and generally even then do not get out without taking Hubby with me at least 80% of the time.  It's called 'anthropophobia' and the medical definition is a 'pathological fear of people or human companionship'.  I am convinced that being forced to interact relatively deeply with co-workers that I would not choose to interact with ordinarily on a daily basis exacerbates my tendency to feel disconnected from myself, my emotions, and my family.  It is not something that 'gets easier' with exposure.  Interacting with patrons does not bother me nearly as much, because there are certain 'rules' that govern those interactions.  When patrons do not act in a way that is consistent with those 'rules', I am prone to anxiety attacks.  We have a semi-regular visitor who I believe is possibly schizoid, and his behavior is generally somewhat erratic, though never violent (so far).  I generally end up having a low level anxiety attack when he comes in, because his behavior does not conform to the typical 'rules' that govern patron-employee interactions. I also find myself profoundly at sea and profoundly confused about what to do or when to step in when he interacts with other patrons. So actually meeting Misha Collins would be more along the lines of a 'waking nightmare' than a 'dream come true'.  But that would be true even of my favorite authors. Even meeting some of you DFers intimidates me.   It takes a relative sh*t-ton of courage for me to even reach out via email to one of you. Skyping visually is utterly out of the question still, but I am getting used to regular text-like interactions with some staff members I work with.  I still cannot even think about chat either, because the 'real time' interaction level is waaay too much like face to face convos.  And you guys are by and large unfailingly encouraging, so I know it's not you - it's my phobia, utterly and completely.  Interacting online or via text feels more 'real' to me than face to face interactions.  I guess that should be no surprise, considering that I generally feel so 'disconnected' during those interactions.  I really need to get into therapy for it, though.  Not to get rid of it necessarily, but to help me find ways to cope.  That sense of disconnect is so profound and so consistent through my entire life that I feel like it is more an expression of my personality than a type of faulty coping mechanism, does that make sense?  There isn't any 'traumatic event' to 'cause' this - this sense of disconnect goes back to before I have conscious memories, and is reflected in what my parents have recounted to me of my behavior. Wow, apparently this is a 'thing' for me - didn't realize I natter on and on about it, LOL.  Here's Misha.....                                  
 

Not Sure What to Say....

....Which means I should probably not say anything until I get my thoughts together, huh?  I'm trying to get used to the idea of expressing my thoughts and feelings, and even having feelings if that doesn't sound crazy enough. I feel like I spend most of my day stuffing things.  Like the song in Frozen, 'conceal, don't feel'.....  I think I might have missed taking my meds this morning... I can't remember for sure.  I think I need to break down and get one of those daily pill things.  This tends to happen more often when I'm stressed and need the meds the most. Hopefully I can keep it together this morning and keep my mouth shut.  Anxiety makes me talkative and assertive, so I really have to work overtime to make sure I"m not speaking out of turn.  Here's Misha. I love his craziness, mainly because I could never in a million years feel comfortable enough to be that unapologetically odd. It's something to aspire to.   
 

Resonance...........

Some songs do more than resonate.... Some songs reflect such a deep, perhaps previously unrealized part of yourself that you simultaneously want to hug fiercely the person who wrote it and beat them upside the head for putting a recorder in your brain to record your thoughts..... Oh, no one else thinks that?  Oh, well.                         Anyway, some songs are just fundamentally 'us' in some way or another.  Here are a few of mine, in no particular order..... [and yes, I will wax spiritual at a couple of points, so forewarned.....]   Carnival by Natalie Merchant                 https://youtu.be/o9ZHuvBcVJg There is not one line in this song that I do not deeply identify with...... Even the feel of the song - like someone walking through life more as an observer than a participant.... Very much entranced and enchanted by what they see, but somehow apart from it......   Lonely Road of Faith by Kid Rock                    https://youtu.be/rSgTAJiWXvs This song reflects very much my relationship with my husband, and my feelings for him. He is so much of who I am that I couldn't put together a list like this without mentioning him. I love it because it also reflects a lot of things I've learned over the years....  In many ways, faith is a lonely road, because it is one only we can walk for ourselves...   Dust in the Wind by Kansas                           https://youtu.be/tH2w6Oxx0kQ This song brings me so much peace inside, I just cannot explain it.  I just can't.  You'd think it would be depressing.... Whenever I listen to it I can just feel myself relax inside......        It just reflects a very deep part of me, I guess......    If I Ever Lose My Faith In You by Sting               https://youtu.be/7km4EHgkQiw This one is my spiritual beliefs pretty much summed up in one song. For me, this is a deeply spiritual song about/for Christ.  Which has got to be the epitome of irony, because Sting is an avowed and unapologetic atheist - I am quite sure Christ was the last thing on his mind when he wrote it. Nonetheless, if I had to sum up my spiritual beliefs in a song, this would be it....... 'I could be lost inside their lies.... without a trace.... but every time I close my eyes..... I see your face'   (you being Christ)                              
 

Fight Songs.....

Having to re-type this because somehow I erased it all..... LOL.  Anyway.... We all have our fight songs here.... I know we do.  I don't know each and every one of you personally, but I feel like it's a really safe guess to say that you all have a song(s) that help you renew your energy and your will to fight.... Here are a few of mine.....   Killing In the Name Of - Rage Against the Machine   -   This is a re-make done by Brass Against feat. Sophia Urista My favorite line - and you should try shouting this in the car or someplace where people won't look at you weirdly for randomly shouting things.... Trust me, it's cathartic.....  Because really, you should go your own way (unless that involves hurting yourself or others...) 'F*ck you, I won't do what you tell me...' https://youtu.be/bGV1xYJFAEI   Township Rebellion - Rage Against the Machine Favorite line - only one guess.... Again, try shouting this - because in a way, we are at war with the norm. The norm tells us we're not trying hard enough.  F**k that sh** - we fight harder than anyone else out there, period.  So shout it out, because it's true... 'Why stand on a silent platform / Fight the war, F**k the norm' https://youtu.be/2uSWn4WGOlA   Pull Me Under - Dream Theater This one may not be for everyone.  If you still frequently really sweat out the suicidal thoughts, this might not be true for you.  They don't often scare the f**k-all out of me anymore.  I'm not sure if that's good or not. This song reminds me that I've been down a tough road and come back alive - and not all of us do.   I think the song is actually about a warrior facing his last moments, and in a way, that is highly apropos... 'Pull me under / Pull me under / Pull me under / I'm not afraid' https://youtu.be/mipc-JxrhRk   Where's Your Head At - Basement Jaxx I love this song.  It makes me smile every. d*mn. time. without. fail. This is my song for myself, because I am - and always have been - a complete space cadet.  I love a couple lines in particular, but they may not be for everyone, especially if you are still struggling with suicidal thoughts.  For me, they help me keep my anxiety in perspective.  'Don't let the walls cave in on you / We can live on, live on without you' https://youtu.be/5rAOyh7YmEc   Anyway, there are other songs that inspire me, but they're not 'fight songs' - you know?  Maybe I'll share those later, because heaven knows everyone is beating down my door to read this, LOL.                                           
 

Bouyant.....

Bouyant as an adjective means 'light in spirit'.  And that describes me, today at least.  Hanging on to it while it's here, LOL.  💃  🙌   ✨      I could go into a whole explanation, but that wouldn't be ebullient.... LOL.  I swallowed a thesaurus.  🤣   The situation that was/is causing me anxiety is getting resolved and those higher up than me are telling me not to worry about it. So I won't.  Anyway, here is a little humor....                              I just want you to know I really love all my British friends here on DF.....  😍   😁   I do.... I love you guys.... I'm an Anglophile at heart, actually....     And Canadians are tougher than you think..... 
 

Adulting.....

Adulting is something I do not want to do today.  That is all.... I have to go adult in about five minutes..... Don't make me adult..... But I don't wanna adult! I wanna stay home and play with my dragons and my angels and my super-soldiers!  Here, see?  Wouldn't playing with angels be more fun? (LOL, typical Misha Collins craziness)      Oh, all right.... I'll go adult...  But I'm not gonna' like it....  

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Blessedly Short Week....

On a positive note, this is a blessedly short week for me at work, even though it is my turn to work this weekend. Yeah, not all weekend, just Saturday half day. Then we get to be closed for New Year's.  I am really clinging to those short weeks, those holidays and days I'm able to take off. It's gotten significantly easier since positive feedback from my higher ups a few weeks ago.  And I am really lucky to have a 'Monday - Friday' office job.  I could be slogging it out in a warehouse, alternately freezing my buns off or sweating it out, depending on the season.  (yay wild Oklahoma weather).  In many ways, I would actually rather be doing that.  Because warehouse jobs don't have anything to do with customer service - the only getting along you have to do is with co-workers. Which is a lot different than trying to satisfy the general public and being cheerful and professional while being slammed.  So I'm literally taking it one day at a time... And I've stalled out on my newest fanfiction set.  I was working on a mashup of Supernatural (cable series) and Doom (the movie).  But I've had to do so many restarts due to poor planning on my part that I can't feel it anymore.  And if I can't feel it, I can't make anyone else feel it.  Ya feel me?  LOL.  So I've gone back to planning my book idea.  It's still very loose.  My idea is changing quite a lot in some ways (from a pre-industrial, almost medieval setting to either modern day or slightly into the future) and barely any in other ways (thar be dragons still, but the size varies though the attributes do not).   I may end up working with a more modern or futuristic setting because the world building - as in, my own entire world - is really stumping me.  I'm just not detailed enough or smart enough to get enough of the right places fleshed out.  I know it doesn't have to be complete, but it has to complete enough for me to refer to it like I do my own actual world/history.  I wish I could draw.... I'd draw you my characters so you can see them. Dean O'Gorman (as Fili in Peter Jackson's Hobbit movie trilogy) reminds me a lot of one of them, though he's a little too tall. I really wish I could get past the world building and put this the way I want to.  Who knows, I may end up with a future setting on  my own world.  You wouldn't believe how many moving parts there are when you start thinking about how you would form a world, or even just a government.  Climate, flora, fauna... doesn't seem like it would have much to do with government, but really it has a lot to do with it.  Take Oklahoma for instance.  Tons of water, and we are highly dependent on both farming and the fossil fuel industry.... Each state in the US has a slightly different combo to work with, even within the Midwestern US.  We all have roughly the same system of government, but there is still quite a lot of variety there. This one kind of illustrates roughly some of the problems that arise when flying dragons are part of a modern urban environment... not to mention, can you imagine what the US military complex would do?  Caged, hunted, experimented on.... Gads.... even if they were sentient (which mine are) it's a nightmare to try and figure out....    

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

I need a pick-me-up...

I'm posting holiday-related Misha Collins/Castiel/Supernatural because I need cheering up.  I'm actually late getting back to work from lunch, but who cares....     You can survive this, guys... I know I'm not the only one who 'survives' Christmas, and gets razzed until the end of time by people who don't understand.... You can do this. 

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

God, I Need A Little Misha....

I'm posting this mainly to cheer myself up a little.  I need a little Misha and Castiel.  I've been on a self imposed hiatus watching them and writing about Supernatural and Castiel.  Don't ask me why, there is no logic to it, whatsoever.  Anyway, MishaMishaMisha!                                    

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Common Sense Ain't So Common....

Common sense ain't so common... and I don't have as much of it as I thought I did.  I'm just now getting to a point where most people would have started from.  Up to now, I've not been monitoring resource usage. Like electricity - I live with Polar Bears who would rather live in Arctic conditions. And that is not cheap when you live in the Midwestern United States, where summer temps of over 105F are a regularity from June through August and frequently into September. TBH, anything under 95F during this time is considered a cold front. But I'm done with literally driving myself crazy trying to pay for a lifestyle we cannot afford. And I don't mean 'no more fancy clothes' cannot afford. I mean 'I can't buy food' kind of cannot afford. I'm just done.  I've decided I will pay so much every month for the electric, and anything over that my dearest family can find a way to pay for. Because I. Am. Done. I am done dying - not because I object to dying but because I object to dying for no reason - I object to dying for the same plot of ground over and over. I don't mind dying if I'm making progress. Does that make any sense?  I hope so.      

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Always With the Struggling....

Sometimes I wonder why I bother. I really do.  Financial worries are hitting me now.  It feels like a paraphrased version of that song 'Did I Shave My Legs For This?' by Deana Carter.  Did I give up what I like for this?  I gave it up such a long time ago that I cannot even say what I like anymore.  It just hasn't been relevant to my life for me to think about what I enjoy doing. Wow. That's  depressing.  No sh**, Sherlock.  You don't say.  I have no idea what my interests are. No clue whatsoever. Do I like to knit? I have yarn and needles, but haven't tried it yet. Do I like cross stitch? Sort of, but I'm not detail oriented enough and always mess it up. Do I like writing?  Yes, and I don't do too bad a job of that.  There are better writers out there, absolutely. But I'm no slouch. Maybe it would help if I found something I like to do that doesn't have to do with work. Because right now I feel like a paycheck.  And it s*cks, let me tell you. I feel like the sum total of my worth is what I bring home, and its. Not. Good. Enough. By. Far. So, maybe something not work related (like writing) will help me feel better about myself.  

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Avoiding My Series...

I just realized yesterday that I have been avoiding my favorite series and my favorite character.  For several weeks now.  I haven't worked on the fanfiction based on Castiel and Dean, and I haven't resumed watching Castiel heavy episodes of Supernatural, or even binge-watched and updated myself on the series.  This is a Serious Harbinger for me.  It's a Sign Of Things To Come.  And it's only September. It's like you're out deep sea fishing and suddenly there are no fish anywhere, no dolphins, no nothing.  And you know enough to realize that the little fish are gone because The Big Fish Is In The Area.  The one who could Swallow You Whole, Boat And All.  Something is coming up out of the deep, swimming up from my unconscious mind, I can feel it.  I can feel it like a pressure wave, like when my husband can feel the helicopter from a few miles out even when you can't actually hear it yet. (He was an USAF FAO)       

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Fangirling.... Sort Of

I'm gonna fangirl about Misha for a minute, then it's time to take myself off to put the old nose to the grindstone so to speak.  I love Misha's website.  It looks like a normal site, but if you click on it, the screen sort of goes crazy like your computer's video driver went nuts, and you end up on 'Death2Normalcy'. See, this is why I Love Misha.  He was bullied growing up. I can't imagine anyone not loving the heck out of him, much less being mean to him.  And it has given him a real heart for helping people who don't fit in.  He and Jensen and Jared have done so much for Supernatural fans. They've started several charities that reach out to those who wind up in the margins, the misfits.  It almost makes me want to overcome my Extreme Fear of Relating to People Face to Face.  Yeah, I know it sounds like a stupid fear.  I am scared to death of getting to know people face to face.  Yep, you read that right.  I think it's called Anthropophobia. So you can imagine that the concept of relating to Misha or reaching out to him is actually Petrifying with a capital Terror.  I feel like I have wasted my entire life fighting depression and not getting anywhere.  But Misha sort of makes me feel like it might actually conceivably one day be do-able.  My life is still a waste compared to his, but I'm not going to let myself dwell on that.  I'm here to survive, and I've learned that Certain Thoughts lead to Certain Side Trails that lead to Certain Cliffs of Doom that hold Certain Temptations to Sit and Talk to D*E*A*T*H for a While Like the Friend He Is.  So I avoid thoughts that tell me how worthless I am.  Yes, I still agree that I am.  Yes, I am still working to overcome that.  And part of working to overcome that is realizing Where I Can And Cannot Go.  Next time maybe we'll talk about how much I Am Castiel.  Really.      

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Quiet Days...

It's been a quiet day.  I took the day off to take my youngest to the doc, but our car is so bad we didn't make it very far out of town before we had to cancel and turn back.  Thankfully it was only a checkup.  I've been doing my best to keep my mind off of work issues, but having to write out my observations of a recent work incident has kind of made that a challenge. Still, it's been sort of productive.  Dishes are done  -and put up.  Trust me, in our house, that's a big deal, LOL.  We watched the movie Next Gen on Netflix and I cried at the end. spoilers   The robot 7723 ends up deleting his memories so he can re-upload his weapons system and defeat the Big Baddie.  Now that I'm pushing 50, things like Alzheimer's loom on the horizon for either me or my husband (or not at all), and next thing I know I'm bawling a little. Hey, for me that's a big deal.  I never cry.  So it was healing. And I have to say that the movie strikes me as a thinly veiled reference to Jobs and Wozniak.  And yeah, if you watch it, you'll realize I'm understating it.  So despite the references to the movie Next Gen, here is a picture of Misha.  Because, well, his name is in the blog title.

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

It's Everything At Once.... Of Course

All the financial things seem to happen at one time for me. I don't know if it's like that for anyone else.  😕  And the frustrating part is, I don't have enough left over to put in our nonexistent savings.  Yeah, I can hear someone now piping up now that there are things I can cut out. Actually, no dear, there aren't. 😕   We've been at this level for -years- now.  😞  We never go out to eat anymore (birthdays maybe & even then only McD level & I pretend I'm not hungry), no cable, no land line, minimal cell phone plans, no entertainment or travel, no clothes/hair/cutesy girl stuff budget... trust me when I say there is nothing else to cut. 😕   I try to only eat one meal a day and a snack. It does wonders for my iron levels once a month, LOL.  Feeling woozy can be fun. 😕   Tooth pain from a tooth that's needed pulled for the last month really helps with the whole eating less thing. If it weren't for the pain, I'd recommend it as a diet aid, LOL. 😕   Is this really what I am working for?  😕  Oh, and you have my apologies for the TMI financial stuff. BTW, that last pic is me, looking up at God to see how hard He's laughing at me....            

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Get Up, Girl!

I cannot seem to get up. I'm stuck in a downward spiral because of car and kid issues.  I really need to get up, but I'm having a hard time finding a reason why.  What is the purpose of me if I cannot be there for my kids?  I mean, really?  I can barely feed the ones I have, and I can barely make it over to see them twice a month. It feels so... woefully inadequate. Useless. I am utterly. Useless. I'm trying to remember how stubborn I am, how I wasn't going to give up like this.  For some reason, it escapes me.  

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Stuck.....

Days like today, I wonder why on Earth I ever look up from my books or fanfictions.  I'm broke, my cars busted, and my kids need help I can't get there to give them.  Few things in life suck b*lls worse than not being able to help your kids when they need you.  I sh*t you not.  Don't even bother telling yourself it'll get better when they get older. Nope.  Try again.  It actually gets harder.  Because you have to balance the help they think they need with what they really need to learn and do for themselves.  And as badly as it hurts to see them fall down and skin their knee when they're little, it's even worse when they're older, because it's a lot more serious than skinned knees. And here I am, stuck with a bum car that can't make it out of town, and no money to fix it with. Even when I get paid I'll be playing 'which-bill-do-I-not-pay-in-order-to-fix-the-car' roulette. But you know what?  I refuse to give up.  Absolutely.  I may be messed up, but I've learned that much.       

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

The Hinterland....

I feel like I'm in the Hinterlands.  I'm actually feeling pretty good; a bit tired, but good.  It's a little scary, and it makes me feel wary, too.  I am really messed up, apparently.  So I'm just going to do my best to enjoy feeling good, and not let negativity get me down.  For however long it lasts anyway.  

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Creativity

The last few days have been wonderful for my fanfiction and not so wonderful for me getting anything else done.  I got 20+ pages written the last couple of days - of course I'll have to edit and rework most of it, but it's 'on paper' so to speak for me to work with.  That's really the only part of life I'm enjoying right now.  Everything else feels like stress and confusion.    

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Still Looping...

I'm still looping, but I'm using it, working with it.  I"m using it to focus on my fanfiction. It's really helped a ton to be able to redirect the obsessing into something that is not toxic for me.  I used to loop over and over again about the same few events - whatever event had triggered my panic and anxiety, and then often that would devolve into every mistake I have ever made (and these are things I consider mistakes, not necessarily things others would notice).  So instead of fighting both the negativity and the obsessing, I've chosen to use the weapons I have - namely the obsessing - to fight the most important battle - the negativity.  As long as I can keep from circling around the singular triggering event or person, and as long as I can keep from devolving into self loathing, I feel I have won a victory of sorts. Castiel and Misha are important to that battle right now.    

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Tough mornings....

I guess I should put this in the 'notes' blog since it's a little more negative, but I really need a picture of Misha right now. This morning is going to be a little tough.  I really should not complain - it could be worse. I could be back in retail.  Or I could have any number of physical difficulties.  So these hard times are basically all due to my wonderful brain (read with heavy sarcasm).  I woke up with bad anxiety yesterday morning and it hasn't gotten much better. I barely slept last night.  I have been taking something besides Benadryl at night to help manage pain the last few days, and I think that's why.  My family doc (GP to those in Europe/UK) told me to take Benadryl at night to help me sleep.  Oddly enough, it seems to take a couple of hours to take effect.  It's the same way for my youngest, too.  I guess I hadn't realized how much Benadryl was helping my anxiety; I suppose that is one good thing about the last couple of days.  A bad thing is that my anxiety was 'justified' because some stuff happened yesterday, albeit mild.  I can't go into it, but I and everyone else at work ended up with half a day off, so that was nice even though it was unpaid. I tried to keep my thoughts distracted, but it didn't work very well.  I completely forgot about taking my Benadryl until nearly midnight.  Yep, that usually means no sleep.  There are reminders to go by, habits my husband has at certain times, but I lost track of time.  I saw him go about his nightly 9pm routine and thought 'I'll get up in a minute' and never noticed when he finished that routine about 30 minutes later.  Next thing I know it's nearly midnight.  Yep, that's me; completely oblivious to the outside world - and by outside world I mean anything not in my head.  When I panic, it only gets worse.  I have no idea what people are talking about (like my youngest) when they talk about being 'hyper aware'.  No clue.  So I've been using my obsessive and circular thoughts to keep my mind away from anxiety loops that tend to 'ramp me up' as my husband says.  So the circular thinking is still there, but it is 'harmlessly' diverted by song lyrics and other thoughts (like Misha or my husband), instead of endless loops of '20Years bloopers' accompanied by feelings of intense shame, self revulsion, and humiliation. As long as I can keep my thinking in one of these tracks, I can manage it.  I still have to watch out for a tendency to 'blurt things out' or ruminate too much on every little thing others do and say around me.  But I've learned to recognize those things, sort of.  I still have trouble with 'blurting', but not as badly as I used to.  When blurting is a problem, I get the feeling that something bad will happen if I do NOT speak up.  And recognizing that feeling has been tricky.  Where most people find themselves 'muted' due to anxiety, somewhere in my few years of being a single mom I turned from the 'muted' to the 'blurting' problem.  Anyway, Misha thoughts against the darkness; wow, dramatic me there.                        

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Realizations.....

I'm posting this at a weird time because it's been a weird day. Can't say more, we'll just leave it at that.  I was watching the YouTube video for that EMF song 'Unbelievable' because, well, the chorus was rolling through my brain for nearly a solid three hours this morning before work.   And I saw a Destiel video for Beyonce's Halo in the line up.  So I clicked on it.  I have loved this song since I first heard it a few years after it came out.  I love Beyonce's original video for it. It is very much my song for my husband.  So much.  In so many ways, I am Dean, and my husband is my Castiel. My husband saved me from my own Hell, just like Castiel pulled Dean from literal Hell in the Supernatural series. Dean is stubborn, relentless, cannot quit to save his life, insanely loyal, blind to his own goodness, convinced of his own failure and worthlessness, goes off without thinking...  Yep - check, check, check them all.  Yep, yep, yep.  Dean is so profoundly broken in so many ways it amazes me he's still on two feet.  And he throws away his own life every chance he gets - because he sees himself as utterly and completely without worth. Yep. I know how that feels. Of course, in real life it doesn't fit that way.  In real life, my husband is very much my soulmate, and I am as dedicated to him as Dean is to Sammy on the show.  Real life is some mixture of the two, and I often see bits of myself in both Dean and Cas.    https://youtu.be/NT5A09Gp_6o Here's the original Beyonce version of Halo for those of you who don't know or care about Destiel.   https://youtu.be/bnVUHWCynig      

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Looping....

I've been tossing and turning since about a quarter to six, and now it's just gone seven, and I'm finally up.  Two bathroom trips and an hour of tossing is what it took me to finally get out of bed. And I've been anxiety looping this whole time.  I've had the same song lyrics pushing through my head over and over. But that's okay.  Because the alternative is all my mistakes pushing through my head over and over. So I'll take EMF 'Unbelievable' chorus, and a line or two of a verse, instead, thank you. Only it gets all mixed up in my head, it's been so long since I actually heard the song.  In my head, though, the 'your purple prose' becomes 'your appetites', not sure how. Is there actually a version out there like that? EMF is a Brit band, maybe the US version is different? Or maybe I just can't understand the words, like anyone else. His accent does show up quite a bit in some parts of the song, though. So here's how it rolls through my head: 'The things (the things)  you say (you say) Your appetites just give you away The things (the things) you say (you say) (short instrumental emphasis) You're unbelievable (short poppy instrumental with vocal exclamations)' Rinse and repeat. Since a quarter to six this morning.  My current question is, what am I looping about? Oh, and on the subject of last night, I had a nightmare last night, a semi-weird one. And I remembered it, which is even weirder. So I wrote it down.  It's odd enough for me to remember dreaming that I always try and record my dreams. I work at a library, BTW.  That's key. So, I was sleeping (lying down on my back) on a high table near our front checkout counter (that table doesn't exist IRL, BTW). No pillows, no blankets, no nothing.  Just lying there, dressed like I was going grocery shopping. After a few minutes, a person in black silhouette (long hair and a wide brimmed hat) comes from the area over my right shoulder (behind me, from the main body of the library) and starts choking me. And it was a literal silhouette, like it was cut out of shadows. When I would have passed out is when I woke up.  When I woke up, IRL the covers were touching my throat, but not choking me.  I feel like the shadow was dressed a bit like one of the three musketeers, even though it was a black silhouette.  And it felt genderless, even though the hair was long.  And get this, the figure chokes me by putting two fingers against the part of my throat just below the Adam's Apple, like Castiel does when he puts someone to sleep on Supernatural - only he puts two fingers to their forehead, not their throat. Anyway, that's my weirdness for the day.  I don't think it will pay to look into this too closely yet, since I have to get myself together for work. Calm, professional, no matter what happens and all that rot.  The above pic is me at work.  Stone, unaffected. Inside, I"m like this, only bloodier. Dissonance much?    

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Sign in to follow this  
×