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A living emptyness

Entries in this blog

 

The world as i experience it

We are all alone  People try to reach out but its impossible  I hate and love everyone.  I know thats confusing but i dont care.  I need the end of conciousness as its a hell.   EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has touched my world has left.   **** them. Why is it si hard to shut all the doors?

ArnoldJRimmer

ArnoldJRimmer

 

Fallout wasteland.

I didnt realize how s***ty life was to me until i realized that i envied a character from a game. The protagonist of the Fallout video games changes.  The lone wanderer, the courier, sole survivor or whatever.   A world where the bombs dropped and death is all arround.  You can destroy or even find love. But you make your own fate This world is green and lush but far more empty.  Im not a hero.  Never will be.   Loved or hated.  I dont care . cowardice keeps me in my daily routiene. My non wandering ends with a grave and to be forgotten.   Only remembered as an abstract.  Not who i really am.  Not loved or mourned.  Just another drone.  A background extra in life. Star trek red shirts have more significance.

ArnoldJRimmer

ArnoldJRimmer

 

What do i even write?

Im still not sure if im going to stay.   I left the one site i was on for a long while.  The person i care about still uses it and i know she held back because i was there.  So i left. I still have her number (she gave me that a while back) but rarely responds to any messages.  I try keep them low key so as to not be annoying but i guess im not anywhere on the priority list.   Im supposed to write down (for therapy) why she has such a hold on me when its obvious she doesnt care.   I havent spent much time at it yet. I wont do the drama queen thing of dramatically stating that i just want to die.  Im past that.  I dont feel much anymore.  Ill just chug along like a defective engine till i expire.   I miss her a lot like i miss a lot of people from my life.  But i know i was never anyones prize. 

ArnoldJRimmer

ArnoldJRimmer

 

Back again. Maybe. I dont know.

Time continues its relentless march.  New events and old pain gains company with new.  New jobs, two in fact.  One too many now. Therapy continues as i dig away at the reasons why.  Unfortunately the answers seem grotesque.  I try make peace with family and they all see things as happier but its only a fresh coat of paint over a rusting hulk.  At least they feel the worst is past.  Ive come to realize how most everything i grew up believing is a lie.  How i was supposed to behave as a guy in order to be the ideal man for the princess i would someday find. Only i now know that princesses dont want what im selling.  

ArnoldJRimmer

ArnoldJRimmer

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