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About this blog

Accident, supernatural and the blatant phoniness of the human condition

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Pain and paranoia

Paranoid and pissed off.  I am sick and tired of the constant tendon pain I experience. There is nothing that works. There is no pain if I do absolutely nothing. But the pain is back immediately after activity, any activity. Just carrying a shopping bag(doesn’t have to be heavy) will flame my elbow. Walking hurts the ball of my foot.  I am tired of this life going nowhere. Except south of course. I feel it crumbling around me. Good riddance if you ask me.  Just today I had the tho
 

The man without qualities

This is how I think of myself. This is what I have been preaching all this time on df. Robert Musil, the author of "The man without qualities" was writing about a certain end of an era. A group of old-school Viennese members of the aristocracy planning an event for Franz-Josef, at the brink of WW1(apparently they are unaware of the possibility, let alone aware of the end of the Austro-Hungarian empire) . As we all know, that war was the beginning of the change the way Europe thought of itse
 

Mood. Disorder. What does disorder really mean?

Obviously a mood becomes a problem when it..well when it becomes a problem. We have all been there. I feel fine now, at the moment. Tired and disorientated perhaps, anxious and irritable too. Agitated. Exited. Euphoric even. But that’s the way it goes for me when I feel (hypo)manic. Or depressed. As I am never truly either. There is something cyclic going on, but it is not full blown bipolar. Neither have I ever really had full blown depression. There is always So. Much

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Mirage

Feeling good is a mirage. Feeling like crap is reality.  All of it amounts to the same.  Self-help, new-age, big pharma.. psychiatry (the pseudoscience of our time). Do this and you'll feel better. Do that to be the authentic you. Take these meds to feel better. All BS.  I don't like people. Fact. I don't like myself. Fact. I don't want to live in this world. Fact. No one really want's true change. Fact.  Oh and the real biggie: No one want's to feel like

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Dead man walking

I wonder what my wife would think if she found me dead.  The people who end up taking their own lives probably feel too hopeless, empty, angry to care anymore. I am getting there fast.

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

The Darkness

Just a 30 minutes ago I went out on the balcony of my parents’ balcony and looked into the darkness of the night. I glanced down and saw nothing at all. I thought how I could end it in seconds. A leap into the dark.

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Stable

I was talking to a good friend of mine(yes I actually  have one or two) and she said I seemed more stable recently. It's true. I've been more upbeat in general recently and I suppose there is a (faint) sense of stability too. I'm also more aware of the constant frustration and the abject tendancy of nihilism  that constitutes me at least in part. That is when I'm more stable. Stable. Thing is when my friend said I seemed more stable I immediately thought of: " A building for

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

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