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Surviving infidelity.

About this time last year, my fiance began an affair with a girl at his work. He started "working late" more often. He started showering with the door closed and sleeping fully dressed. He began to get snippy with me about random things, and he overall just felt distant. He stared at his phone a lot and texted all the time. But I held out. I could tell something was wrong with him, but he's prone to depression also, so I thought that might've be been it. I noticed some girl I never heard of

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

An update.

This has been a bizarre week so far. The biggest thing...I officially got my severance notice from work. Of course I've known it was coming for a few years now, and I've been conflicted about it for just as long. On one hand, the job of late has been miserable, and I'm tired of being alone all day, every day. On the other hand, I love the women I work with and love having the freedom of being on my own working from home. But the idea that I'll need to go through applications and job intervi

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

A series of events.

I just feel compelled to catalog today. I had an appointment scheduled with my psychiatrist after work. My plan was to talk about starting to taper me off of Zoloft (and my appointments) ultimately because I knew I'd be losing my insurance in the next month or two from losing my job. But also because I know that the worst symptoms from my episode had passed. I still feel general malaise and outrageous anxiety, but that's how I was before this shit year and the antidepressants never touched

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velvetpuddles

 

He was a narcissist!

In my incessant ruminating tonight, it occurred to me, like a lightbulb turning on, that he is a narcissist. 100% narcissistic. It became so clear. It felt like putting the last piece in the puzzle. Even still, after all this time, I feel awful about everything and for putting my health and well-being first. I know I should be proud of myself, but I just feel bad.  So I'm writing this to remind myself that he is absolutely a narcissist, and I should be focusing on myself and my future

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

Rewind

I know it's useless to think like this, but there are some moments...many moments... when I wish I could find my rewind button. Or reset. Or fast forward. I'm not really sure. My world turned upside down this year, and now that it's right side up, I have so many regrets. I'm happy enough to leave them in the past, determined never to repeat them, but reminders keep popping up. Not just reminders but actual events and situations that cause me to relive all of my pain. I cannot make it s

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

November rain.

It's November. Naturally. We've entered the month when this time last year, my fiance started drifting from me, culminating in his affair and our broken engagement 3 months later. Along with the onset of my most severe and debilitating major depressive episode ever. We've been happily embracing and renewing our relationship since August. It hasn't been easy, don't get me wrong, but he is like a new man. No, more like a stronger and more mature version of who he was before this mess. He

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

The nuances of medication.

I admit...I haven't been 100% compliant with my medication this past month or so. It was completely inadvertent. I get really sick to my stomach if I take Zoloft without food, and I'm just not hungry for a few hours in the morning. Even with an alert on my phone every morning, I have to put it off until I've eaten, and by then I usually forget until it's too late in the day. I must note: this is my first experience with antidepressants, and I've been on them since February. Only in the

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

The good and bad roller coaster.

I've been overflowing with creativity recently, which I guess is a good thing. I've started making suncatchers with beads and wire. My first was sort of abstract fall night scene with a tree branch, rolling hills, and a moon with swirling clouds. I really love it and fell in love with the process. And every time I held it up to show my boyfriend my progress, he gave me the sweetest, proudest smile that made me melt. I hadn't seen that smile in a long time. I'm working on a swirly crescent m

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

Unplugged: Intimacy Issues.

I'm thinking it's time I start unlocking some of the pain I've tucked away. I've written plenty in personal journals, but it seems that there's something to writing where others can see it. So I'll start with my biggest mental block. I'm a victim of sexual abuse. Sort of. I'm not a Victim of sexual abuse. I think I could most accurately describe myself as a victim of a mental illness that mitigated the effect of a subconscious manipulation of sexuality. Yeah, I consciously threw a lot

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velvetpuddles

 

Nihilist, part two.

I'm not exactly clear headed now, but much more awake than the other night. Of course I don't exactly remember my train of thought, but I can imagine it had something to do with those thoughts we all get. Those numbing thoughts. The thoughts of pointlessness. Seriously, though. There are few people in this world lucky enough to make an impression, good or bad, on a great many people. Most of us are lucky to leave a lasting mark on just a couple, if that. And when those people pass, the poin

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velvetpuddles

 

He's a nihilist.

Sometimes, I just don't care about living. Usually when I'm alone and have nothing to distract me, the thought often crosses my mind: what is even the ****ing point. I know this is common. I know many people feel like this when in crisis or when much of one's life is spent in dysthymic despair, but it usually hits me like a wave. Knocks me on my *ss when I least expect it. What is the ****ing point? I don't know. More later when I'm more conscious and my glasses aren't out of reac

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velvetpuddles

 

Then and Now.

This has been a hell of a year for me. I was crushed from the beginning, and it's been a damn roller coaster ever since. As one thing went wrong, something else would step up and make me feel good. Then, inevitably, that good thing would fail me. And on and on and on. I have placed my trust where it wasn't earned and got burned. I have pinned my happiness on others when shown kindness and got heartbroken. I have been disappointed by my faith in the goodness of others more times than I care

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

I'm enjoying this plateau.

Everything is still holding steady for me.  I've been getting along great with B and our neighbors. We take walks around the neighborhood and sit on the porch for hours most evenings chatting. This has become one of my most pleasant and stress-free summers now that all the rotten dust has settled. I'm looking forward to fall coming soon. Neighbor has mentioned for certain that I'll be invited to her bridal shower next month and to they're wedding in October. It's so stupid, but I was g

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

Real life in TV.

I started watching a show called You're The Worst. It's silly and cynical about people and love. I started the second season recently, which involves one of the main characters revealing her lifetime battle with depression as she fell into another clinical episode. And here I am. I'm back to work today after a day off yesterday, and I couldn't bear the thought of sitting at my desk (a whole 3 feet from my bed), so I dragged my work computer to my bed and have been "working" from a horizonta

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

Random updates and a ridiculously long dream.

A random assortment of things and a massively upsetting, feature length dream from last night. I haven't had much going on lately, which is good. My life has settled into a static rhythm after a year of chaotic misery. I haven't had much energy to post or respond a whole lot here; I'm still plagued with a strong lack of motivation and anhedonia, but I'm trying. My sleep is still messed up. It's all over the place, honestly. From one night to the next, I'm not sure if I'll be getting in

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

I'm okay.

My life these last few days has been consumed by B and his ex. I've tried to help her, but she's fixated on getting him back and unreceptive to anything I say. Anything anyone says, really. So I've severely limited my contact with her. I cannot handle that kind of stubborn negativity right now. On my end, I've felt myself slipping today. I think it's just from getting caught up in other drama. It's hard to stop myself, though. I have a really hard time not caring for people that are hurting

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

Other people's relationships.

The biggest thing going on right now is B breaking up with his girlfriend.  He did it Friday evening. She is young and has never been broken up with before. She deals with depression and anxiety, but I'm pretty sure her overriding diagnosis should be BPD - she fits it to a T. She is not taking it well to say the least. She has been messaging him constantly, sending him pictures and audio clips of her pleading with him. I honestly liked her and she treated me well. Since B is strictly r

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

A short vent for a friend in a toxic relationship.

My friend and roommate, B, who is also my ex-fiance, finally told me today that he sees how his new relationship is toxic. Dear god, finally. This situation is only complicated by the fact that he cheated on me with her, thus leading to our break-up and my spiral into depression once again. But it's been 7 months or so, and in that time, B and I have gone through the stages of break-up pain and somehow came out of it as really good friends, especially after his surgery. We've been able

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

A required title about being alone.

I'm not used to being wholly and completely alone. Intellectually and rationally, I know that's why I should be. As all the motivational quotes and articles say, you have to love yourself before others can love you; you can't expect to find your own happiness in someone else; and other b.s. like that. I don't even know what to think about it anymore. Maybe if I was healthier emotionally, it'd be easier for me to be without a relationship or close friendships. But truthfully, even when I had

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

Shadow of the ghosts.

I pulled out my laptop to write - I'm expecting this to be a saga.  I don't know what I'm going to write or why, only that I feel this pressure from deep inside. I feel like a pressure cooker. I need to let the steam off, but I don't even know what's cooking. This episode began nearly 6 months ago. Compared to then, I'm doing much better. Compared to then. But I don't feel good. I don't really know what good is, to be honest. Most of my life has been a constant ebb and flow between fun

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

Depression Fraud.

Sometimes I feel uncomfortable about my depression and anxiety, especially here. Compared to a lot of people, I've had a decent life so far. Not great, but not awful. Parents divorced and hated each other, but still provided for my brother and me. I've struggled to get along with my mother since I hit preteen years and with my father since I reached late teens. I do still see and talk to my mom periodically, but not my dad. We've always been a working poor family but got most things se

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

The roller coaster and how far I've come.

I have no obvious point for writing here right now, but it's late (1am) and I'm not tired at all, so here I am. This week was rough. I was very panicky and sensitive. My thoughts were running wild and I was having trouble fighting them. Pure misery. It culminated in a couple long crying spells on Independence day (of all days...). It'd been a while since I've had panicky crying fits like that. My mood devolves like that when I start to focus on how crappy my life feels compared to the

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

Waiting for the waves.

I've been doing relatively well lately, at least compared to the first half of this year. I want to figure out how this happened so that I can keep it going, but I also want to enjoy this time and take advantage of it to move my life forward, once I figure out what forward is. Because I know how depression works and I understand that chronic clinical depression can rear it ugly head once I drop my guard, and I'm not strong enough to hold that guard up forever. I also know that I'm still vul

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

An open letter to my father on the eve of tomorrow.

I want to thank you for showing up in my life again. If there's been one constant in my adult life about you, it's your ability to show up after I've given up on you. As you now know, my email address and phone number haven't changed in at least a decade. You've had the ability to contact me whenever you wanted, but you never wanted to, I guess. I first saw who you truly are at age 18. You became distant when you no longer had to pay child support (thank you, again, for letting me know

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

I'm burning up, baby.

Can't stop myself from holding that match to myself. All in the service of everyone else's feelings. Must remember quote. Must stand strong. Gotta light my own fire one of these days. 🔥🔥

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

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