Can a tree ever feel happy when its leaves are still?
Because I still feel the rush as he moves me, and I wonder if trees feel the same relief as the wind blows over its branches. It is true that I still look at him and see treasure in his dark brown eyes. Time has not yet taught me indifference to his gifts.
But is happiness a place of stillness? Yes, the greatest danger comes when I am most at risk of happiness. Danger of self-sabotage, perhaps.
If he moves me like nature, like
It was the chaos of the unknown that frightened her most. Why wouldn’t she speak, when there was much to say? This was to be the tipping point, from security to deep uncertainty. Into the chaotic unknown, she fell.
She saw him shaking. She felt his heart. She knew.
That was enough, she thought.
That was too much.
Where once there was paint, there now is emptiness. The t has worn away, four letters leftover, all meaning changed.
I cant look at these walls anymore. Would you understand if I finished what you started? The destruction of us?
I’m tearing it all down. Starting with me.
Where is the button to smallify my writing?
Hell, where is the button to smallify mySELF?
Is my heart too big, is that why I feel all this misery?
Is my brain too big, is that why I can't stop thinking about everything that went wrong, is going wrong, will go wrong, might go wrong?
I know what went wrong, it's me, it's always been me, even my parents knew.
How can I take the feelings away?
So much fear.
Afraid to get close.
Afraid to keep distance.
Afraid to be alone.
Afraid of people. Fu.c.king terrified of people. I love them, but they scare me.
Afraid to be stuck here.
Afraid to move forward after everything I've given up.
The truth is that I'm afraid to try. I'm afraid to fail again. I don't want to envision a life I can't have, when it's hope for the future that got me here. So much time wasted.
I'll be optimistic another day.
I could write on paper, I suppose. But how do we feel what we can't see? I don't want you to see me, but I want you to feel me. Is that selfish? I love you so much already. It's why I hide from you. If you get close, you'll hurt me, and I don't have room for another scar. If I get close, I'll hurt you. I will give too much, and you will start to need me. And then I will disappear, breaking both our hearts at once.
I love you, I love you... I'm sorry.