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About this blog

My pain and dilemmas. All deserved for all of the pain I have caused.

Photo found on lonerwolf.com

Entries in this blog

 

Your dinner tastes like crap anyway

"What really gets to me is you dont even see dirt." Funny thing even if i did my cleaning job would never be good enough. Funny thing: i used to obsess about cleaning last spring when i was all manic as well in the past. But you shot me down didnt you? The real funny thing? Well *i* dont think its funny. Im not well enough to handle doing it. You are grossed out that i don't shower? You think thats because i dont care about you? You think i dont clean and leave my messes because i di

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Get a good look?

Trigger warning for anyone with an ED.                       Now You. I have already complained about another You today. And now You. Yeah I am binging ok? Go enjoy your one piece of pepperoni pizza. Don't look at me. Its none of your business and your eyes are not welcome. You stick with yours and ill eat my mountain. Who gives you the right anyway? And you. F*** you. Dont you have your own s*** to do and deal with? I suppose its

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

No Day But Today

"Are you coming in with me mommy?" "No sweetie I'm just going to drop you off. You'll be fine." Should I have gone in with her? Am I missing life? Is she? I was taking her to drop in basketball at school and the supervising teacher is lovely and said I could join in when I went in the first time. She even said I could help. But I declined when my daughter asked me. I can't tell at this point if she was disappointed. One day she will want nothing to do with me right? So why am I pushing

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

In Daylight, In Sunsets...

I feel like omg I have at least 25 more years to go. Maybe more. Maybe many more.  Even when things are good, I feel good or just have general thoughts of "its all ok it's going to be ok"...all I can think is omg I have 25+ years left. Yet I don't want to d** I still feel a level of suffering. Even though I know I am not truly suffering. I can't just live life like normal people looking for the good things.  It's like I'm wasting away in a prison with a life sentence. And I know it's

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

FOUNDATION

Foundation Do you hear me? No? My words are silent? The thing is you need to be listening. Guess what? There are other places where I AM heard. I actually get people's attention for matters at hand somewhere. Four of us spoke at the same time. One of them won out because he is a loud know-it-all show-off which is ok because he has expertise. He loves the spotlight. But guess what? Even being interrupted, the organizer/vice-president looked at me expectantly even though motor

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

No Thank You

"Excuse me. Would you like to be my friend?" "No thank you." I was 6 or 7. It stung. The little s***. But i held my head high. I stayed strong. The lashes from Daddy's belt hadn't broken me yet. If i could take the sting of leather, i could take anything else. At least for the time being. As I write this, i am not sure what it is about. My inability to socialize, my inability to be accepted or the constant abuse from someone who loved me very much and didn't realize what he w

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Dreaming

I had romantic love. Different person. Came out of strange circumstances. Ended up in strange circumstances. But it was there and it was true. Nothing "happened" in the dream except the gush of overflowing feeling, the need, the meaningful contact and looks. All public. All real. All visible. I had family love. Different family. Weird circumstances. But we were close. There was some sort of life threatening disease involved but i cant remember the details and who it was. I had love fro

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

"If it gets sunny you should go out for a walk."

Its sunny. It looks like summer. The sun is my favourite thing.  But im still sitting here. Slept all night thanks to my meds. Got up in the morning. Sent kid off to school. Went right back to bed.  Forced myself up at noon. Waiting for students to start showing up. Just sitting here. Ill be in bed by 8 30. Take meds. And start again tomorrow morning.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Blame

My therapist said that i take blame for things too much. She also said that i was not put on this earth to win ANYONE's approval. Lets visit that lovely little dream shall we? If its ok for people to talk to me the way they do...the kid the husband the parents (now just parent) the sisters, the friends (theyre all gone anyway), the coworkers teachers people online and employers...then it must be my fault. Every time. Right? I mean, how can so many other people be wrong? 

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Lightening Up

Lightening Up You'll never know As you have your own I know you don't get The rocks I throw Now it's time to unload The pounds in my pack To go ultralight To handle the trail But my backpack: alive So real And the cards I'm given I can deal Off it all comes Like a peel Then indirectly My fate is sealed  

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Worthless

I cant do anything right. Im stupid. Im done. No more. My efforts are for nothing. I am helping no one. Nothing i say or do is valued. Because i have no value. It all comes from a worthless piece of s hit anyway. Why would anyone take anything from something so vile?     

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Resemblance

It's the same really. Disagree if you like. Tell me how it is different. Maybe then I can believe. It's not about belief though is it? When you're dealing with the truth I can sell it to you Not with features or benefits Just facts Like morsels laid on a path Leading instead to the same miserable end That promises of a candied home Its mirror that separates Isn't really there As you can see It's just the same

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Animal

Got a few things in progress and nowhere near done but at least some things will get done today.  I worked on my piece called Animal. It has gone through a HUGE overhaul and i am planning on performing it in a competition in 2 weeks. It is very emotional. I really act it out and 9 times out of 10 i begin to cry. I wonder if people will see it as pretentious and over acted. But really i feel the need to do it this way. Its meant to be like this. I dont even know why i am bothering to ta

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

You don't know

You do not know. The things you say. Yes im screwed up. And i am so lucky that you would never hurt me.  But i should not feel guilt for eating certain things or wanting to eat certain things. I should be able to spend my own spending money on food that i want to eat. I should be able to do this without worrying about your reaction. Worrying about what you do. What you say. Sure...you cant control my thoughts and feelings. But you know...sometimes things are believed when they are

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Crying

Silent tears. Have to keep it in. For her sake. I guess i could always say i miss my dad. This is the time of year i was with him before he died. But then she would want to make me feel better which would just make it worse. Thats the funny thing. Thanksgiving i was frustrated. Upset. People saying its fine it will be fine its going to be ok.  They think they are reassuring me. All they were doing was making it worse after i thought i had regained my composure. But crying. Because

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

A Wasted Life

It's a waste.  Wasted on me. I wasted it. I should have done better. For Him. I dont deserve him. This is true on so many levels. How I have treated him. Yeah mental illness. But how far can i a tually "use" that? How true is it? Yes it is true. And no it isn't. Why can i not do what he needs me to do? It is every day. I am driving him crazy.  And i am hurting him. He does so much for me. So why can i not reciprocate (god how do you spell that) to fill his needs for order? 

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

It's Over

The snow is already on the mountains. Its over. Any chance. Any possibility. Live. For them. Go through the motions. I don't deserve either one of them.  For them. Then Over the Rainbow.  To hell.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Why

Why would I even bother with this blog? I keep opening them and then hiding them from all eyes except mine. I guess i just need to get stuff out. But there will be no more creative pieces. Those are for another world. Speaking of...i have my first poetry competition in a few weeks. I did well with my open mic last week...i think i could have managed the competition then but i wasn't ready. This time i have selected a piece that might be too intense and over dramatic/over the top.

Natasha1

Natasha1

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