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About this blog

My pain and dilemmas. All deserved for all of the pain I have caused.

Photo found on lonerwolf.com

Entries in this blog

 

Bowls

*snip* And i really miss the bed.  Im so alone at night. The living room is calm, quiet... ...and DEAD. *snip* Edit: im actually about to lose it.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Why

Why would I even bother with this blog? I keep opening them and then hiding them from all eyes except mine. I guess i just need to get stuff out. But there will be no more creative pieces. Those are for another world. Speaking of...i have my first poetry competition in a few weeks. I did well with my open mic last week...i think i could have managed the competition then but i wasn't ready. This time i have selected a piece that might be too intense and over dramatic/over the top.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Wannabe

The only audition i have ever won was getting into two universities to study the flute. Auditioned for 4. Good old Doug Stewart could always be counted on at the University of Toronto for bring an elitist dick. When Camille (i think it was her) asked him if he wanted me to play "the Hindemith" (crap cant remember if i spelled that composers name right) as it was my other piece...Doug's response? Lol. A disgusted grimace and head shake as if to say oh God no, why would you torture me? I gues

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Fertility

Fertility One cant expect a seed to grow without rich soil And spacious rows The water and sun, They have their place In order to create A vibrant face One must nurture the plant to breed and if they're lucky They'll get one seed If one looks more closely (Using vision that they lack) The seed, half dead, too tiny, With a monstrous crack The flower is pretty It has its needs One must be willing To give, to feed But MY flower, my flow

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Blame

My therapist said that i take blame for things too much. She also said that i was not put on this earth to win ANYONE's approval. Lets visit that lovely little dream shall we? If its ok for people to talk to me the way they do...the kid the husband the parents (now just parent) the sisters, the friends (theyre all gone anyway), the coworkers teachers people online and employers...then it must be my fault. Every time. Right? I mean, how can so many other people be wrong? 

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

No Thank You

"Excuse me. Would you like to be my friend?" "No thank you." I was 6 or 7. It stung. The little s***. But i held my head high. I stayed strong. The lashes from Daddy's belt hadn't broken me yet. If i could take the sting of leather, i could take anything else. At least for the time being. As I write this, i am not sure what it is about. My inability to socialize, my inability to be accepted or the constant abuse from someone who loved me very much and didn't realize what he w

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

SLAM

The door slams Silence Solace Its quiet Now that you've shut that hole I don't think I'm supposed to he ok with all of this But this way I don't have to kiss your ass I just wait and hear The silence pass I wait for the chaos The noise Like thunder cutting the sky To once again rain down on me But no refreshing or cleansing water Comes in your world There is no such thing in the world you are God of But...you fail to remember or did you ever rea

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

###$$%^^&***::%$$$^&*,;;"

$%;:""*(¥€%##stupid$^&*:%%$#^&**;^^^^$^^ piece of s hit %&&;"$=##^&(;;^%$$;&*&:: worthless "^&*//^ ^$$#:;*&%$#":;&&^^fat cow #%^&"%_=÷÷%&*&;; lazy ass ^&&$$$#%^&*:%%$ spazz $%*¥£^%$##'vhjnhghhjnbbggghhhnv ^&%$":&**&^ hgfghjhhjjfffddcghhhn dipshit &&%%^&&&^; dingbat &&^%%$$%^&&**,,;;^&& $&&€%%$##$"^^^twat"$#÷&**€&***&^"##@%^

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

I hate you

You finally pushed me over the edge. Never thought i would get this far. You finally did it. I officially hate you. I dont give a flying f      that your job is stressful and lives are at stake. It doesnt give you the right to treat me like s hit or invalidate me by being an elitist in the stress and feelings department. Oh you want to go there? How many diagnoses do you have? I can go there if you like.  Oh thats right. Im ungrateful. I forgot that i actually am a piece of s hit

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

The Couch

Never thought it would be me. Its definitely not traditional. But then we have never been the Common Bunch. It really is comfortable for the most part. I am a little tall. But it works. I remember the first time. The door shut. Without a word. It was the plan. And i knew it was good for him. It was a need. But a fight had taken place earlier. And the silence was deafening. Time has gone on. I cant really remember how long it has been. I think maybe a week. Maybe? Last nigh

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Winds of Hell

The wind is howling through the trees and my ears. I smell it like a bee smells the Lavender, and I am afraid it will take me away like seeds of the Dandelion.  Only the seeds land on infertile soil. They die as my inner hurricane rushes through, breathing its hate into all of my thoughts. No control. Just chaos. That voice constantly tells me things, as the memories gust through common sense. The things no one would understand. But I do. And I act accordingly. Hurt

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

I

I Such a big word. I know. I am the problem. I am a bad wife I am a bad housewife. (Wait a minute.) I work too. I know my job isn't that important in your opinion. I like to think that I make a difference (at least) I know I know you say your job is so stressful I believe you. I dont need you to tell me  based on premise and statistics and I welcome you talking about it I know you need to let it out I know you need to but I don't d

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

A Wasted Life

It's a waste.  Wasted on me. I wasted it. I should have done better. For Him. I dont deserve him. This is true on so many levels. How I have treated him. Yeah mental illness. But how far can i a tually "use" that? How true is it? Yes it is true. And no it isn't. Why can i not do what he needs me to do? It is every day. I am driving him crazy.  And i am hurting him. He does so much for me. So why can i not reciprocate (god how do you spell that) to fill his needs for order? 

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Get a good look?

Trigger warning for anyone with an ED.                       Now You. I have already complained about another You today. And now You. Yeah I am binging ok? Go enjoy your one piece of pepperoni pizza. Don't look at me. Its none of your business and your eyes are not welcome. You stick with yours and ill eat my mountain. Who gives you the right anyway? And you. F*** you. Dont you have your own s*** to do and deal with? I suppose its

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Yeah im a piece. A big piece too.

Its funny. Some wonder why i feel like i do. They wonder why i treat myself poorly. Hate myself. See myself as worthless. That old belief or saying...whatever it is (i am too stupid to know)...if you hear the insults enough...if your treated a certain way enough...etc...you will either believe it is true or act as if it is. Act the way they say you are. Because it must be true. So treat me like i'm crap. Go ahead. Thats what i am after all, right? Otherwise you wouldnt treat me th

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? All i do is all for nothing.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Uniformity...what is that?

No one is on the same page. Sometimes i think its a different book. Or even a whole different genre. I'm in the green section trying to figure out a text book in school, or a procedures manual in a corporate setting Both written in black and white, but only grey is practiced, the reading audience is all doing their own thing, authoring a new product. No wonder im failing every exam and performance review.  

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Lightening Up

Lightening Up You'll never know As you have your own I know you don't get The rocks I throw Now it's time to unload The pounds in my pack To go ultralight To handle the trail But my backpack: alive So real And the cards I'm given I can deal Off it all comes Like a peel Then indirectly My fate is sealed  

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Who's Fault: Your fault, your fault, your fault, MY fault

You know it might just be genetic. My dad showed signs of SOMETHING. my mom too. My eldest sister is diagnosed with some kind of anxiety that ive never heard of but maybe thats induced by 45 years of drug addiction. I dont know. Oh yeah addiction runs in my family. Mostly alcoholism. But opiates seem to be next in line with how many family members were affected and after that are the hard ups.  It could be my dad...growing up terrified of making him mad. The way he used to threaten my

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

ENOUGH

Enough You haven't noticed. Have You? It's just as well. Because then you can't stop me. Or I should say you won't stop me. Progress is bliss. There are a lot of Cans in this scenario. You choose the blind eye. Ok. I'll show you. You'll see without vision. And then you will know. You'll know how much I suffer. How much of it is rooted from you. How much this will hurt. Damn yes it's going to hurt. The one thing you won't understand is why...you want to know why? I can't co

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Unacceptable

Yeah that's me. I will never be good enough for them. Or anyone else for that matter. I guess maybe i shouldn't say that, as the yoga studio that i give janitorial services to in exchange for free yoga seems to be thrilled wirh my work. But what good is that if my husband and daughter don't accept who I am? Ah, right. I totally forgot that i am a bad person.  This is the crap that sent me back to ED-land. The need to control at least one thing, just one god damned effing thin

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

I Dreamed Of You

I've always dreamed. And last night it was perfect. How can i dream of you when i have my own life and family? Why did I dream of you? At least they werent in existence there. That would be complicated, confusing and hurtful. You were aloof. Then you wrote. Seven pages. You looked at me from across the room and i closed them even though they were loose pages. I have no idea what they said, even now as I am awake. And then the perfection began to weave and connect. Stitch

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

It's Over

The snow is already on the mountains. Its over. Any chance. Any possibility. Live. For them. Go through the motions. I don't deserve either one of them.  For them. Then Over the Rainbow.  To hell.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

I guess it makes me a bad person

Maybe i dont really love him. Is it wrong to have slight hope that he dies before i do, just so that i can live in some sort of peace? Age 50, 80  110...no matter how short lived it is...just some peace in life. Not being accused of making big deals out of things that oh i am sorry....things i find concerning about our daughter.  Making mountains out of nothing eh? Sure just brush it off. Shrug and wipe your hands. Then when her issues get bad you can blame me for that too.

Natasha1

Natasha1

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