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About this blog

My pain and dilemmas. All deserved for all of the pain I have caused.

Photo found on lonerwolf.com

Entries in this blog

 

Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? All i do is all for nothing.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Goals

I used to be the queen of goal setting and going after them. Now im afraid to set goals. Even simple ones like 5 minutes of meditation. Thats not hard. Then i forgot to get the tenderloin for the pulled pork into the slow cooker. Now its just too late. Ugh. Seriously what is wrong with me. Im not even scratching the surface here but this bothers me enough. Now im also without a tent because im unhappy with the one i bought. So i have store credit. But im limited there. Im also out foot

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Stress

So yeah...i do too much. I care a lot. Im trying to be the better person i thought i was when i screwed someone over a few years ago. While ill never be able to fix that, or make it better, what i can do is move forward and do what i can, right? Be what i was always supposed to be. Its difficult now though. I insist on going to hot yoga daily as i was gifted with sn unlimited intro month. So its been my training for a huge physical endeavour im about to embark on. Havent had time to train p

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Your Superiority Is A Falsehood

Skills unseen. It's the same, always. You're not the first. So dont feel all special and unique. Because you're not. My senses, The overwhelming knowledge, I can teach it, But I can't teach you to learn. And you don't. Don't you see? No, you're blinded. The feelings, numb. You are therefore immune. And it shows.
 

Yeah im a piece. A big piece too.

Its funny. Some wonder why i feel like i do. They wonder why i treat myself poorly. Hate myself. See myself as worthless. That old belief or saying...whatever it is (i am too stupid to know)...if you hear the insults enough...if your treated a certain way enough...etc...you will either believe it is true or act as if it is. Act the way they say you are. Because it must be true. So treat me like i'm crap. Go ahead. Thats what i am after all, right? Otherwise you wouldnt treat me th

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

I guess it makes me a bad person

Maybe i dont really love him. Is it wrong to have slight hope that he dies before i do, just so that i can live in some sort of peace? Age 50, 80  110...no matter how short lived it is...just some peace in life. Not being accused of making big deals out of things that oh i am sorry....things i find concerning about our daughter.  Making mountains out of nothing eh? Sure just brush it off. Shrug and wipe your hands. Then when her issues get bad you can blame me for that too.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

SLAM

The door slams Silence Solace Its quiet Now that you've shut that hole I don't think I'm supposed to he ok with all of this But this way I don't have to kiss your ass I just wait and hear The silence pass I wait for the chaos The noise Like thunder cutting the sky To once again rain down on me But no refreshing or cleansing water Comes in your world There is no such thing in the world you are God of But...you fail to remember or did you ever rea

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Melody Of Loss

Melody Of Loss Notes crack. Shrill and broken. Out of tune and necessary. But you're singing it wrong. A broken record. Scratches that whine. Skips and repeated lyrics. But you're listening to your playlist. Harmonious, no more. Dissonance preferred. No resolving chord in sight. But you're tone deaf anyway. I forgot that the honeymoon is over. But never did I think you were singing a different song.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

I

I Such a big word. I know. I am the problem. I am a bad wife I am a bad housewife. (Wait a minute.) I work too. I know my job isn't that important in your opinion. I like to think that I make a difference (at least) I know I know you say your job is so stressful I believe you. I dont need you to tell me  based on premise and statistics and I welcome you talking about it I know you need to let it out I know you need to but I don't d

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Fertility

Fertility One cant expect a seed to grow without rich soil And spacious rows The water and sun, They have their place In order to create A vibrant face One must nurture the plant to breed and if they're lucky They'll get one seed If one looks more closely (Using vision that they lack) The seed, half dead, too tiny, With a monstrous crack The flower is pretty It has its needs One must be willing To give, to feed But MY flower, my flow

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Winds of Hell

The wind is howling through the trees and my ears. I smell it like a bee smells the Lavender, and I am afraid it will take me away like seeds of the Dandelion.  Only the seeds land on infertile soil. They die as my inner hurricane rushes through, breathing its hate into all of my thoughts. No control. Just chaos. That voice constantly tells me things, as the memories gust through common sense. The things no one would understand. But I do. And I act accordingly. Hurt

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Bowls

*snip* And i really miss the bed.  Im so alone at night. The living room is calm, quiet... ...and DEAD. *snip* Edit: im actually about to lose it.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

The Couch

Never thought it would be me. Its definitely not traditional. But then we have never been the Common Bunch. It really is comfortable for the most part. I am a little tall. But it works. I remember the first time. The door shut. Without a word. It was the plan. And i knew it was good for him. It was a need. But a fight had taken place earlier. And the silence was deafening. Time has gone on. I cant really remember how long it has been. I think maybe a week. Maybe? Last nigh

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

What a waste

And I sat. I stood. I paced. I sat. I looked at the online menu. I panicked. Its painful. I guess it's like stealing. Lying. Cheating. It would be seen that way. Fear. Fear that I'd be found out. Even though I have good intentions to pay back. But it's like a vacation. There'd be nothing to show for it. A waste of money. A waste of time. Just like sex. Sex without the intent to create life. Regret. And more fat. Its all just a

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

FUN

Fun You still don't see do you? You only see red But I don't bleed that way, it's true Instead it's fat and flesh You will though Maybe it will be too late And then you'll know YOU sealed my fate Are we having fun yet? Slivers from your eyes Invisible silence Stabbing my blue skies Causing my defiance The physical pain Just to sit down Keeps me sane As I drown Fun, eh? Black holes of starvation Consume me for my life They swallo

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

ENOUGH

Enough You haven't noticed. Have You? It's just as well. Because then you can't stop me. Or I should say you won't stop me. Progress is bliss. There are a lot of Cans in this scenario. You choose the blind eye. Ok. I'll show you. You'll see without vision. And then you will know. You'll know how much I suffer. How much of it is rooted from you. How much this will hurt. Damn yes it's going to hurt. The one thing you won't understand is why...you want to know why? I can't co

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

DRINK UP, B*ITCH

Drink up, B*itch Guilt trip Guilt trip Your age old cocktail that you sip And spit in my face The words of hate I know I'm your hell As you wait at its gate And you kick it down My white picket fence No chance for me I was so dense To believe that I was Someone that you loved But I am you believe Someone you are above Yes I am so small We know only in mind My body's a story That I'll leave behind As I prepare for my punishment You'd prefer to g

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Again

Its happening again. Again! I should never have done it. I will be guilt ridden the rest of my life but i think thats not enough apparently. Its happening again.  

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

My West Side Story

I don't want to prepare myself for something big here and plummet in disappointment but I feel like Tony in West Side Story right now. Before he meets Maria and he thinks something big is coming.  Is it just blind Hope?  It's in the pit of my stomach right now.  I have no idea what it could be, but i am sure it will have nothing to do with what I want or what I'm expecting if something comes to mind (the lottery for example...man that would cover both things...guess I've jin

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Poetry Slam #3

A little disappointed but....stronger now. One more on my belt. Soooo many compliments...people freaked out yet i didnt place. One person started talking to me at the end, cutting someone else off. It was overwhelming but good. He said he was surprised i didnt make into the top two to fight for 1st. He said "i dont know what happened there." But...the organizer taught me something tonight. He said i dont trust myself still. (I didnt know what he meant at that time.) And i shouldnt worr

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

"You've Had Enough Food."

“You’ve had enough food.” Those were the words that stung the most. You know…KNOW I have issues with food whether it is to take in all I can or restrict it to barely anything. And for a few years it’s been putting as much as I can in to make up for all of those years of a restrict/binge/purge (though non-traditionally) cycle. My body wants it all. All it can get. I don’t know of a middle ground. Back up shall we? <“Happy Birthday, my sweet!’ I know you have been looking forwar

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Sharing Poetry

Omg could you be any more unappreciative of something i wrote? You are my husband and i chose to share something i wrote for our daughter a a life lesson. And you focus on the whole point of what this poem is NOT.  Insensitive ass

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Why are you doing this?

I cant be what you want me to be. I wasnt when you met me and i was good enough for you then. Why are you trying to change me? I cant be changed. Im not perfect. Believe me, ive tried. When i was growing up i came close in a lot of ways. Even in some of the ways you deem important. But my dear, i gave up on that long before i met you. Now i have other s hit to deal with on top of not measuring up to your standards. Its actually s hit ive always had going on but it wasnt as bi

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Onward

Moving Streaming Collecting Nurturing Your crystal stars Surfacing The small universe to me, Calling Becoming A part of your essence No troubled waters Just calm music The snow trickling Melting Into your rush Towards the stagnant pool behind me My hiking boots Restricting Removal, essential Required in the cold Dipping Cleansing Growing Freezing Too cold for this But it is time Even if Spring is late, not coming The Spring of rejuvenat

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

In The Dark

Trigger Warning                                         It was uncomfortable. The Overture didn't give a hint of this. It actually hurt. I was surprised. I didn't move my hands after the firm "No."  I couldn't anyway. I was confused. I wasnt sure if you were serious or playing. It sure didnt feel like play. And then you went back to normal. And i was relieve

Natasha1

Natasha1

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