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About this blog

My pain and dilemmas. All deserved for all of the pain I have caused.

Photo found on lonerwolf.com

Entries in this blog

 

You Got Me

Im ready. You will finally get what you want. I can finally be meek. Submissive. You can rub the fact that you are the bread winner and i make so little and dont contribute financially in my nose as much as you want. Like a dog learning not to s hit in the house. Rub my face in it too. Im a dog. Because, lets face it. You are in control.  When i made more than you many years ago  i NEVER EVER tried to remind you constantly. There is obviously something wrong with me. Everyone show

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

I hate you

You finally pushed me over the edge. Never thought i would get this far. You finally did it. I officially hate you. I dont give a flying f      that your job is stressful and lives are at stake. It doesnt give you the right to treat me like s hit or invalidate me by being an elitist in the stress and feelings department. Oh you want to go there? How many diagnoses do you have? I can go there if you like.  Oh thats right. Im ungrateful. I forgot that i actually am a piece of s hit

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Uniformity...what is that?

No one is on the same page. Sometimes i think its a different book. Or even a whole different genre. I'm in the green section trying to figure out a text book in school, or a procedures manual in a corporate setting Both written in black and white, but only grey is practiced, the reading audience is all doing their own thing, authoring a new product. No wonder im failing every exam and performance review.  

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Cooking A Novel

Cooking A Novel The end is near. There's nothing to fear The final chapter draws to a close Its just a matter Of how the plot goes. Thickening as i type Your mess needs a wipe Instead stir it, stir away You dont listen to what I say. The pot is hot. And it burns as it cooks.  You eat with your fingers Not caring how it looks Because you enjoy to eat What was me, the meat No worries of rot As my spirit was caught You expect worship and laud Thinkin

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Merry Christmas Lady

Merry christmas, Lady. Yeah, merry it will be, won't it? Maybe i should be checking those bills you gave me. They are probably as fake as you are, right?  Merry christmas. I like how you misled your way to get what you wanted for practically pennies. I like how you played me, suggesting i find out what its all worth online from experienced ones..KNOWING that i cant because i am not licensed there anymore. You knew i would just let it go. Merry christmas. Guess what? I KN

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

They Did Nothing

"What did they do to you?" I was asked by someone on here a few years ago. Well a lot was done. Nasty effects, but also, what wasnt done could be just as harming.. Grade 1 or 2 report card...i cant remember which: "Natasha often appears to be very sad and listless in class." It was noticed, but no one did anything. It stopped right there. There was also a comment that fit in with my ADD diagnosis, but i cant fault them for that, as im old and they didnt know about it bac

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Back to the old days

Ever talk about the old days? Or back in the day? Were they good times for you? I bet a lot of people would say so. Me, not so much. I remember the mask though. The constant hiding behind it. Pain itself is a mask. It comes with the kit. "Step right up folks! Heres your pain, suffering, paranoia and inadequacies! Comes with a built-in consealer! A mask so effective, it will have you believe you are on top of the world as you die inside!" I think about the old days a lot.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Just like them

Oh i see how this goes. Ive seen it before but always choose to ignore it.  You are both my parents rolled into one. I was once asked by someone, "what did they do to you?" That someone understood me, until i screwed him over. But yeah...my parents, one has passed, when both of them are gone (not that i want that)...they will still live on in you. "Stop back talking!" "Shut up!" I guess even at 46 i am to be seen only and not heard.  You asked a question and i

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Weight Loss Woes

So i am slimming down. Probably more to come. Stupidly bought 3 dresses for the holiday season today. Maybe they wont fit me by then. But there was a killer sale at 2 stores.  I wont need them until mid December. Stupid stupid stupid.  

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

###$$%^^&***::%$$$^&*,;;"

$%;:""*(¥€%##stupid$^&*:%%$#^&**;^^^^$^^ piece of s hit %&&;"$=##^&(;;^%$$;&*&:: worthless "^&*//^ ^$$#:;*&%$#":;&&^^fat cow #%^&"%_=÷÷%&*&;; lazy ass ^&&$$$#%^&*:%%$ spazz $%*¥£^%$##'vhjnhghhjnbbggghhhnv ^&%$":&**&^ hgfghjhhjjfffddcghhhn dipshit &&%%^&&&^; dingbat &&^%%$$%^&&**,,;;^&& $&&€%%$##$"^^^twat"$#÷&**€&***&^"##@%^

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

You cant say i dont try

Yeah i failed again. I try so hard. But no one appreciates it. No one notices except when they want to have a run-in with me. Im done with trying. I cant please anyone. Not one person. He doesnt even want the special coming home lunch i was planning on making. Thats ok. Ill just bury myself in every day tasks. Should make HIM happy at least but alas, there is always something wrong with it in his eyes. Oh right  its not perfect. What was i ever thinking? I like how last night he d

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Wannabe

The only audition i have ever won was getting into two universities to study the flute. Auditioned for 4. Good old Doug Stewart could always be counted on at the University of Toronto for bring an elitist dick. When Camille (i think it was her) asked him if he wanted me to play "the Hindemith" (crap cant remember if i spelled that composers name right) as it was my other piece...Doug's response? Lol. A disgusted grimace and head shake as if to say oh God no, why would you torture me? I gues

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Hot Yoga, Save Me

Its the only thing keeping me from hating myself more. I paid into the 30 day challenge. Ive done it 15 days in a row as i started on Sept. 30. Been at the studio every day except for 3. We are allowed to practice at home. I wish it could fix me. But at least it helps.  He isnt speaking to me again...except to chastise me or point out what i havent done yet or criticizing what i did do because god forbid...i dont do anything perfectly. I sense a lack of sleep pattern beginning soo

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Ewwww

Oh, do i smell? Yeah?  I get it. My stench is hard to take.  Maybe thats why im not wanted. And my help unappreciated. All one can focus on is the offensive foul smell i give. So any good i do out of caring goes unnoticed.  So why should i care? Why do i care? Guess what? I dont anymore.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Plop

Plop. There goes another one. The splash wets the bottom.  Plop. Perfect little balls. Im good at that. Because im the same. Plop  Splash Just wipe up the mess.   

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Theyre coming

They're coming for me. They'll be here soon and I have nothing to show them. Only panic attacks and breakdowns. Those are my sins. I'll show them my empty hands, to be cuffed. And they can throw me into the dark room. That's ok. I live there anyway. What's amazing to me is they have worked their way through to all the people I interact with. Daily. So now there are a lot of parts to play. Whatever is necessary. My husband has even joined their cult. Left me alone now. Saying ive m

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

When is the Brain Cancer going to set in?

My time is coming. Maybe its too early. It cant come too soon.  That will stop them. They cant get me if im dead right? Maybe not even when im dying. Oh wait...they have filtered into the pharmacies. They will withhold the pain meds. Well i guess thats the price ill have to pay to die and they cant get me anymore.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Memory

Its not well written but most of my stuff is written quickly. I'm done about the same time that i start. Memory "Maybe you shouldnt have wasted all that time at the yoga place and been a good mom instead." I'm sitting here, remembering the conversation. Sitting here as I relive the pain once again. That pain that sets in when i have realized that yes once again, i taste of failure. That taste, bitter and sour, reeks of your love. The rank care you take when you tell me that I

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Unacceptable

Yeah that's me. I will never be good enough for them. Or anyone else for that matter. I guess maybe i shouldn't say that, as the yoga studio that i give janitorial services to in exchange for free yoga seems to be thrilled wirh my work. But what good is that if my husband and daughter don't accept who I am? Ah, right. I totally forgot that i am a bad person.  This is the crap that sent me back to ED-land. The need to control at least one thing, just one god damned effing thin

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? All i do is all for nothing.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Goals

I used to be the queen of goal setting and going after them. Now im afraid to set goals. Even simple ones like 5 minutes of meditation. Thats not hard. Then i forgot to get the tenderloin for the pulled pork into the slow cooker. Now its just too late. Ugh. Seriously what is wrong with me. Im not even scratching the surface here but this bothers me enough. Now im also without a tent because im unhappy with the one i bought. So i have store credit. But im limited there. Im also out foot

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Stress

So yeah...i do too much. I care a lot. Im trying to be the better person i thought i was when i screwed someone over a few years ago. While ill never be able to fix that, or make it better, what i can do is move forward and do what i can, right? Be what i was always supposed to be. Its difficult now though. I insist on going to hot yoga daily as i was gifted with sn unlimited intro month. So its been my training for a huge physical endeavour im about to embark on. Havent had time to train p

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Your Superiority Is A Falsehood

Skills unseen. It's the same, always. You're not the first. So dont feel all special and unique. Because you're not. My senses, The overwhelming knowledge, I can teach it, But I can't teach you to learn. And you don't. Don't you see? No, you're blinded. The feelings, numb. You are therefore immune. And it shows.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Yeah im a piece. A big piece too.

Its funny. Some wonder why i feel like i do. They wonder why i treat myself poorly. Hate myself. See myself as worthless. That old belief or saying...whatever it is (i am too stupid to know)...if you hear the insults enough...if your treated a certain way enough...etc...you will either believe it is true or act as if it is. Act the way they say you are. Because it must be true. So treat me like i'm crap. Go ahead. Thats what i am after all, right? Otherwise you wouldnt treat me th

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

I guess it makes me a bad person

Maybe i dont really love him. Is it wrong to have slight hope that he dies before i do, just so that i can live in some sort of peace? Age 50, 80  110...no matter how short lived it is...just some peace in life. Not being accused of making big deals out of things that oh i am sorry....things i find concerning about our daughter.  Making mountains out of nothing eh? Sure just brush it off. Shrug and wipe your hands. Then when her issues get bad you can blame me for that too.

Natasha1

Natasha1

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