It's been almost four weeks and I am not doing any better. I am feeling slightly suicidal today. I've recieved ECT twice and tomorrow again. I need it to work. My husband can't handle everything alone.
Has it been three weeks, eh? Who cares anymore.
It's been a good day after, well, not so good day. Yesterday was pretty rough. All I could think of was go onto tracks and get hit by a train. Train - easy access and doesn't fail you.
Today I found some meaning in life so I decided to live. At least this one day. See if tomorrow will be different.
ECT hasn't started yet. Maybe Monday they said. Maybe. I am little nervous about anesthesia and had the first nightmare last night. On the other hand, if things don't go right that's just a favor for me. An easy way out. They will be giving me the treatment 6 to 12 times, three times a week. That's a lot of anesthesia. Well it's light and very short but anyway it's making me nervous.
Have a great weekend, I try, too, to stay alive.
My depression has become worse which you probably have guessed because of fewer diary posts.
The meds are no use but fortunately ECT starts on Friday or Monday. I am very releaved with this decision. ECT gives me little hope I need right now. I am basically totally hopeless and suicide thoughts have occupied my mind whether I like it or not. Also my dreams are all about death.
So that's the latest news. The ward continues...
I am at home today. Came in the morning and will go back to hospital by 7 pm.
I don't feel good. I am a wreck. Half alive, half dead. Totally hopeless. I just can't see things change for better.
Life is random and pointless. It's just bad luck and against odds to be born to this world. There is no purpose. No greater good. Just space that is at the same time empty and everything. Without purpose. As pointless as life. Our life is as meaningful as an ant's life. We keep going on for something we don't even understand. Our time here is limited. When the human race becomes extinct life goes on somewhere else in the space. Nobody will remember us. We'll just disappear. Just like that our life becomes pointless. Like it never existed.
EDIT: I am not doing any better than two weeks ago. At the hospital I can't really tell the difference but now at home I see the reality. Still a prescription meds abuser. Still weak and indifferent towards life. I hope my head clears before going back to ward.
EDIT2: Wow, some serious thinking above. Quite limited and black and white views. I am ashamed of how weak I was today though I had the nerve to tell my nurse I took meds. Today was a total failure.
It's been a couple of rough days. I didn't return to any messages or couldn't write yesterday. I have mostly been really depressed. No hypomania since last week.
For me depression is not sadness or really low mood. It's indifference towards life and lack of functional capacity. Sometimes anxiety and negative thoughts like worthless, guilt and shame. When it gets really bad I can't move or talk. Day before I sat in my bed and stared a wall for hours. I was there but I was absent.
Today is too early to tell but I believe today will be hard too. I walked to a department store nearby and bought some wool yesterday. I decided to start knitting socks. It started okay but now I am struggling with giving up. My mind instantly turned against itself when I purchased the wool. Telling me things like "don't bother trying", "you never gonna success", "why did you even buy wool", "you are not good enough".
I am too exhaused to write more. I will edit and report if anything comes up.
It's Father's Day here in Finland. I visited home, my parents' and my own. I thought it would be hard but didn't expect it to be this hard.
It was nice to see everybody. My family, my parents and my sister's family. I really stepped up my game, chose nice clothes and brushed my hair and, of course, prepared emotionally.
I was all good spirit, chatty, smiley and whatever people expect me to be. About half an hour I talked, listened, paid attention, and joked with my sister's husband (that's our thing) untill I was totally exhausted.
The kids were like always. They seemed to overcome the absence of their mother and accepted the current situation. They didn't even notice me. They were attracted by their 2-year-old cousin. Everything was so normal. Everything went on like always except for my life that is on pause.
I had a brief moment to spend at home. Half an hour to be exact before we had to take my daughter to her gymnastics practise. The team is rehearsing for a Christmas show. I felt overwhelmed at home. I cried and I cried more when my husband took me back to hospital after dropping off our daughter.
Everything felt so unfamiliar yet everything was the same. The house was the same, the kids were the same, things waiting to get done at home were the same. World outside the hospital looked so different though. I didn't recognize it. It was scary, cold (not just literally) and unreal. It was like I was watching the world spinning and life happening from some different reality. I felt I didn't belong there.
Now back at hospital I feel tired but safe. Being here feels safe. This hospital and this ward protect me from outside world. It came pretty clear to me that this is where I need to be right now. I am not ready to go back to my old life.
I am calm. Maybe little sleepy. It took a lot of drugs to calm me down yesterday and make me sleep. Even strong sleeping pill didn't stop me. But eventually I fell asleep and had pretty decent night sleep.
The ward is quiet in the weekend. Half of the patients have gone to home for the weekend. They'll be back on Sunday evening. I get to go home tomorrow for few hours. Tomorrow is Father's Day here. We are gathering to celebrate it at my parents house. My sister and her family will come too and my brother will be there too. Should be nice. I think I will be either tired or hypomanic after seeing the family. It's good nurses don't let me go home for more than few hours. It's reasonable.
I think I'll try and stay in my room today. Trying to avoid anything that could trigger hypomania. Though I think it's pure chemistry now. No triggers. I think it's either this minimun medication I am on now or antidepressant that can cause mania with bipolar disorder patients. I'll have an doctor's appointment on Tuesday, maybe figure out then what is the next step we take with medication.
This is all for now. I edit and report any significant changes of my mood. Wish you all nice and relaxing weekend.
EDIT: 2 pm anxiety. I am afraid of hypomania. I have laid low today.
EDIT2: 5 15pm still calm. Good.
EDIT3: 8 50pm slightly hypomanic. Feeling super. Not many physical symptoms. Dangerous.
I was slightly hypomanic yesterday, had to take some sedatives. I slept well however with an assistance of drugs. I am calm today thanks to good night sleep.
I am kind of inbetween moods. Not really sure what comes next, depressed or hypomanic mood. Or maybe anger. I don't want to do anything. I open some messages but I don't want to answer. I try to sleep but I don't want to take a nap. I don't know what I want to do. Probably nothing. Maybe I just lie here and do nothing.
Everything disgust me. People, food, medication, this ward, this day, this time, myself.
I can't focus. I can't read a magazine, watch tv or listen to music. Too much stimulus. Can't do it. Just can't.
EDIT: current state at 8 30pm HYPOMANIC.
Note to self: Do not open your mouth when hypomanic. Go hide. Shut up. And be good.
I'm loving this new layout!
Today is no different from other days. Fever, blood tests, EKG. Also have thyroid insufficiency. Great.
I am too restless to report more.
EDIT: feeling a bit hypomanic. Fever and hypo, interesting combination.
EDIT2: still restless after taking some meds. Family visited, I couldn't stay still.
EDIT3: definitely hypomanic. Sleeping pills and anti-psycotics for the night. I need good sleep.
This treatment hasn't been anything I expected. The main reason is that the treatment has been all physical. So many problems have occured, dehydration, toxicity, fever, blood tests and did I mentioned a thyroid?
I meet doctor and nurses daily but we only talk about things I mentioned above. Other patients talk about depression or anxiety with their nurses, I talk about how much I drank water, are my legs and arms shaky today or do I have fever.
I am afraid this is not helping my mental health but I have to feel lucky. If I didn't come to ER last week, I would be in a much more worse situation. I would have poisoned myself with lithium.
I am really struggling with writing. I can't really attend to it, my brain is working so slow. But I really, really want to write you guys about my experience. Just have to keep it short and simple.
My lithium levels are still toxic so I am not taking any at the moment. I have also fever and I am dehydrated. I have to keep track of whatever I drink and nurses try to get me eat properly.
I met a doctor today and she made some adjustments to my doses. She prescribed me something for sleeping too. I took a nap today but the night was hard again so I hope sleeping pills will make a difference. The doctor said that I will stay at the ward at least this week and next week. She also suggested I would take a sick leave till end of the year.
I have been socializing a little but my tolerance towards people is still not quite good. Meeting with the family was successful though. Dinner is soon served, that's a great opportunity to get to know people.
I will update here if something worth reporting hapens.
I wish you all great day and strength.
This is my third day at ward. Today I am moving to another ward. It's bigger and open ward. More freedom. I've been there before... three months ago. All three wards are full so I am little afraid they are putting people home too early.
I've been texting all morning and talked on phone so I am really exhausted. Very little exhausts me. The hubby and the kids will pay a visit today. I am not really into it today but I have to. The kids are still devastated.
I haven't slept well. My roommate is okay thank God. She sleeps all the time. There's always some noise coming outside the rooms. Environment affects for sure but I think it's an antipsychotic aripiprazol (Abilify) that was supposed to give me energy boost now stealing my night sleep. Will have to ask a doctor about that.
My day at ward has been okay this far. I have a little headache though and I wish for a nap but can't sleep.
I am now in a hospital, psychiatric ward. I don't remember much of the previous days. I can't remember going back to ER or going to the ward. I can't tell whether the kids came along taking me to the ER. I've sent many, many messages but I can't remember sending them. I have no clue what time I came here to the ward but I didn't leave my bed all day.
I am relieved that I am here now. I hated it that kids had to see me like that. So many weeks and I didn't realize. And now I am in a ward where doors are locked and nurses monitor everything I do. I had already made skipping meals an art but today they wised up I have skipped every meal. It's not about weight but to starve myself. Here I have no extra meds or any meds. Taking meds is monitored too. And oxazepam is not on the list.
I have been quite anxious today but I haven't asked anything for it. So many thoughts are running in my head and I feel guilt and shame. My husband brought me some clothes because it's okay to wear own clothes here. I was anxious to see him. I felt shame for being in the hospital.
Next week the kids will come too. My both girls are totally upset. Younger one had left a halloween party early because she was so sad. Other one texted me that she can't stop crying.
I don't know yet what's the plan for me. How long they are going to keep me here. I hope they don't send me home too soon. At least so long my new meds will start working.
Thank you for everybody who was concerned about me yesterday. I really appriciate it and it gives me strenght to continue seeking for proper help in this situation. Thank you my friends.
I didn't go back to ER though, I was too tired so I slept till morning. I think it was 6pm so I slept 14 hours. I didn't even change my clothes. I slept wearing jeans and a hoodie.
Yesterday was very weird. Either this depression is turning into psychotic or then it's all because overdosing oxazepam. Probably the latter but it sure felt like last year I had psychotic depression. I don't hear voices or have delusions. (Well, I do have delusions but not in this kind of situation.) It feels like being in a bubble and everything outside the bubble is not existing. I don't hear or see, outside world is out of my reach. I lost track of time and I don't remember anything. For example, yesterday I suddenly realised I was at ER and couldn't remember how I got there and what time or day it was.
I am doing pretty okay in the mornings. That's why I have to write early while I am having my morning coffee. I know most of the readers are asleep while I write this. I am writing from time zone UTC+2. Say hello if you are reading this in the same zone! After morning coffee everything changes. That horrible emptiness, nothingness and guilt take over my mind. Morning meds gives me a great opportunity to take more than I need. I want to take more than I need. I overdose to tolerate this. I take more everytime. I usually take oxazepam which is benzodiazipine but I am running out. I'll take whatever prescription drugs I find at home. Anything will do if it affects central nervous system. I am not an addict. Not yet. I abuse prescription medicines. And if this goes on I'll eventually take fatal dose.
Other severe problem is eating. I am not eating or drinking. I drink coffee and water with my meds but that's it. Sometimes I eat once a day but now I haven't eaten in two days. I am not hungry or thirsty. I am shutting down.
I don't know what today will bring. It's impossible to think ahead. How bad will it get today? Should I go to ER or wait till Monday? Weekends are the worse. The worst because the whole family is at home. My husband has to take care of everything alone. And the kids have to witness all this. Their mother unable to get off the bed and not participating in anything. Terrible guilt to put them through this again.
I won't make it at home. Every minute I breath is painfull.
I am not coping well at all. I am overdosing every day. Not dangerously but enough to make this tolerable. I am running out of benzos but I'll figure out something else. I am taking more every time.
I am thinking when to go to hospital for psychiatric evaluation. My doctor should have sent me but he didn't listen. Now it's much more complicated.
I NEED HELP.
EDIT: I am waiting for my turn at a health center. I hope the doctor will send me to an evaluation.
I can't go on weeks like this.
EDIT#2 I don't want to live anymore. Not like this. I don't know how I will make it to Monday.
Another meaningless day without purpose. I am not doing anything. I have no strength or will power but to lie in bed. In the morning I get up for morning coffee and to keep an eye on the kids preparing for school. Sometimes I get some chores done but as soon as the kids leave I sink into my misery.
I was supposed to go to a lab this morning. Get blood test taken. My lithium levels have been allright but now that my doctor increased lithium dose, I have to give blood samples every week. But I didn't go. I don't give damn about lithium levels or how my kidneys are doing. I don't care if I reach toxic level or my kidneys are failing. It's unlikely anyway.
I still feel bad about yesterday's appointment. I am hurt and feel I wasn't heard properly. I'm relieved though I don't have to work for two weeks. It's painful to work in this situation. I hope the meds will do the trick eventually and without too many side-effects. I am now high dose of lithium, two different antipsychotics and an antidepressant. I also take benzos now daily.
It should be three to four weeks the drugs start working. I know it but it's impossible to see that far. I only live hour by hour. I can't remember yesterday and don't believe in tomorrow. There is only this moment, this misery, this nothingness.
EDIT: I've spent eight hours in my bed staring at the ceiling or wall. I haven't eaten anything. I can't remember anymore how to live.
EDIT#2: I have to stop taking too many drugs. I'm taking more and more everytime, pushing my limits.
EDIT#3: I think I should be in a hospital.
I met the doctor. He was an asshole. I tried and tried but he didn't listen to me. He refused to understand how severe this situation is. He prescribed more meds and that's it. How am I supposed to survive the next 3-4 week before the new meds kick in? Work and perseverance he said. That's bullshit I say if I barely get off the bed.
I don't want to do this anymore. I want to give up.
I have started my day with sedatives again. I don't need benzos for anxiety but to tolerate this emptiness. Any drug will do that makes my head light. I cut yesterday, skipped all meals and took too many drugs. Still I lied my psychologist about it when she asked.
Today was different session from previous ones. We didn't go back to my childhood or my relationships. We talked about my depression currently happening and how it makes me feel. I am surprised it happened so fast. I am thinking how could I miss it. I should have seen it coming but I was blaming other things while it was happening in front of me. I feel guilty that I am in this situation again. Maybe I did something wrong? What triggered depression this time? I try to think hard but there is no answer. It's just random brain chemistry.
The medication will be fixed for sure. This combination is not working for me right now. I am now on lithium and seroquel. I have given few thoughts about medication but I am sure the doctor has an opinion too. I haven't met this doctor before so I don't know what to expect.
My psychologist said that if I didn't have an appointment tomorrow, she would have sent me to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation because the situation is that bad whether I think otherwise or not. She said that the doctor tomorrow will most likely suggest hospitalization so I need to think about it and form some kind of opinion.
I am in panic. I need more time to think about this. Obviously I need to talk about this with my husband because he's the one who is left with three kids alone. I don't know how to tell him it's this bad again. And how would he manage everything alone? There are so many things to think ahead and so many arrangements that must be done. And who would help him? And how many weeks I would stay in the hospital? Too many questions without an answer.
I don't know what to do.
My calendar says today is October 29. I would't know without my phone calendar what day it is. So, it's last Monday of October and this is my first diary note. It's reassuring only to write about this moment and what's going on in my mind at this very moment. No pressure.
I slept too much again. I missed my evening meds because I fell asleep so early. So I was little agitated in the morning but at least I got some chores done. I have nothing to do today. I was supposed to meet my son's teacher but I cancelled. I can't meet anybody. Not now. I can't fake even for 15 minutes meeting. It's too exhausting. I can't even return to messages.
Today is all about waiting for tomorrow. I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. It doesn't change anything but at least I feel I am doing something for this situation. And I need someone professional to acknowledge I am depressed again. I am also meeting a psychiatrist on Wednesday. I have no expectations so far. This has all happened so fast I haven't got enough time to think. Something must be done. Fixing the medication at least. I am not sure how severe my condition is. It feels severe but then again I've got some hope this time. It could be because it's been so little time since the last time. I know it's possible to survive. I did it few months ago and a year ago so I can do it now too. I have to survive.
I've still got no emotions. I feel nothing. No purpose or meaning. Just numb. Sometimes I almost feel anxiety about not having any feelings but then it slips away. Anxiety would be better than nothingness. I took some pills as soon as the kids had left the house. Benzo high to get me through this day. To tolerate emptiness. Or sleep through the day.
I am lost in nothingness.
I am not well enough to write this blog anymore. My mind is empty and whatever thoughts are left, they are all over the place. I can't write a whole, rich text with well-grounded opinions and views because my brain is slowing down. I forget things and I've lost track of time. I am constantly lost with what day it is or what time it is.
Slowing down is only few steps away from other cognitive symptoms. I've experienced this few times before. It's really scary and eventually it will lead to psychotic depression. I've been in a situation where I no longer have been able to speak or function.
Writing has always been important to me. It's a way of dealing with emotions and analyzing things. I am not going to stop writing though. I will turn this blog into my diary or mood logger or whatever you want to call it for now. I will write without purpose or ambition. I will write about my feelings and thoughts at that very moment. I will probably write daily to track my moods.
So I welcome you to share my journey of surviving depression. I don't know how many times I've gone this through before. Every time is different. Everytime is harder.
Self-harm. Self-mutilation. Small words, big stigma. I do it. Adults do it too. Nobody just talks about it. The stigma is so strong it's something I can't tell my psychologist or doctor. I think I should tell but I am too embarrased by it. I am not some 13-year-old kid. I've got a son of that age. I am a woman in my thirties. Mother of three. Succeeded in many things.
I am also a cutter.
What's your trigger? My trigger was anxiety. I was in so deep mental pain that I needed to transform it into physical pain. Some feelings were too much to tolerate. One cut here, one cut there. I was hooked. Endorphine rush. Instant relief.
I've gotten rid of the habbit between my depressive episodes. My anxiety levels are tolerable and I don't have any feelings, whatsoever. I am numb. And that is probably the main reason I am doing it now. I want to feel something. Anything. So I hurt myself. I also feel like my pretty outside is not matching the ugly inside so I have to balance.
Psysical self-harm is one part of the story. There is other ways too. Like skipping meals. I am not eating healthy on purpose. I am skipping breakfast and lunch. I eat dinner and lots of coffee. Other meals I skip because I don't care. Overdosing belongs to same category than neglecting self-care. Taking little extra before going to bed. I like the benzo high. For a moment everything feels tolerable. Dizzy head is better than clear mind. Because I just don't care.
Hey God - Tell me what the hell is going on, Seems like all the good shits gone, It keep on getting harder hanging on.
All the good shits definitely gone. I had a friend over but I didn't enjoy. I felt nothing. The last few days have been slightly better. Or could be worse for I've stopped crying and become numb. Hard to tell yet. I want to cut more too. I want the outside look as ugly and hurt as the inside. Does that make sense? My life is ugly. There is no beauty in sadness or melancholy. There is no beauty or dignity in death.
Hey God, there's nights you know I want to scream, These days you're even hard to believe, I know how busy you must be, but Hey God... Do you ever think about me.
Does He ever think about me? Does He even exist? My struggle is too much for one person. What's the point? Where is my prize? I've suffered 20 years. What if the next 20 years will be the same? What's the point trying if there is no hope of change? I can't see future, I can't see next day.
I don't have real faith in God. Sometimes I wish I did. I wish all my struggle had a purpose. That this pain and hell on Earth serve the purpose. Life is random. Unlikely and random and it gives me great comfort to know there's a way out. No life after, no awareness. Eternity. Nothing after. I can't be certain of each and other. Tricky part is to have enough faith.
I'd get down on my knees, I'm going to try this thing your way.
Do you see me struggling? Do you see me broken? Sometimes my illness threaten to crush me and my pain threatens to suffocate me.
You are the God that parts waters and splits mountins. I know that you can do anything. Give me patience, endurance, perseverance and faith to beat my illness again and again withouth giving up.
Please forgive me the times I try to figure this life out on my own and take my life into my own hands.
God, I need a victory from this battle of my mind that wants to k i l l me. At least hear me and give me some hope. Amen.
Quotes are lyrics from my favorite artist Bon Jovi. Thank you for writing this song.
I no longer write my main blog. I no longer eat regularly. I no longer do my assignment my psychologist gives me. We are trying to overcome my delusional fears but I no longer care. Everything is pointless. I am still going work but I don't know how long. What's the point working with people when I no longer want to have any human contact. I don't want to see my family or friends. I don't care about them anymore.
I am hurting. I am cutting again too but I'm not physically hurting. I do it for few minutes endorphine rush that gives my brain a break from anxiety. Benzodiazepines do the trick too but I am saving them. Just for the case I need an escape.
This week has been hard. I can't really remember but I remember it's been hard. I barely remember what day it is. It's probably because kids have a fall break from school this week and my husband hasn't been working all week. My depression isn't that bad yet but eventually my brain will shut down again.
My husband brought up some relationship issues and I have to find strength to answer him. I asked for a time-out before answering. He wrote me a long message about how he doesn't know anymore what I want from him if anything and therefore he can't see future with me. I don't know how to tell him. My illness controls me and I've lost myself. I am no capable of marriage or relationship. I have nothing to give. He doesn't see our future but I don't see any future. I don't see my life to continue. I can't see my kids growing up. I see nothing. I wish he found somebody else to share our life with. I know my kids love me so much but I am not a good care-taker. They deserve better.
I am only learning how devastating this illness is. When I got a bipolar disorder diagnosis a year ago I thought finally things would get better. Finally I had diagnosis that made sense and right medication to improve a quality of my life. I thought I had already faced the worst during these 20 years of illness. But the worst is ahead. I have found a combination of medication that prevents highs but now I've learned that it doesn't prevent depression. It happens again and again no matter what and now it seems that nothing happening in my life seems to contribute to it. It seems to be random brain chemistry.
I am tired. I seem to have four severe episodes in one year. That seems to be the cycle now. That is just crazy. I was in a hospital for severe depression few months ago. Depression turned into hypomania overnight while I was in hospital. And then hypomania turned back to depression. I need a break from this. I need to heal and feel normal for at least few months.
Why all this struggle when there is no prize?
I no longer can do this. Can't do this life.