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Tell no one

A blog by nhaar

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About this blog

Welcome to follow my bipolar ups and downs. It's hell of a rollercoaster ride!

 

Entries in this blog

 

Second guessing my mood

Last time I wrote I said I was doing good and hypomania was over for now but now I am second guessing my mood. I guess that good energy was hypomania after all. Very mild but hypomania anyway.  I feel like I am now in what I call hypomania hangover. It's a state right after hypomania. Suddenly all the colors have faded and motivation is gone. I don't know what to do because my mind has stopped feeding me ideas. I am wondering what the hell just happened? Where did all my energy go? How can
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Doing okay

Hi everybody and thank you for reading!    I am doing pretty okay. It almost feels scary to say those words out loud. Like if I say such a thing, something bad will happen. But I will say it again just to defy the Universe: I am doing good.  My mood is stable and everything feels easier without anxiety and psychotic symptoms. Spring and summer is usually hard for me but now it feels different. I've got lot of energy but it's good energy. I don't have any hypomanic symptoms which i
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Welcome sober life

Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.  That's basically my yesterday night. Unfortunately alcohol also creates new problems. I don't drink often but when I do, things get ugly. I have been avoiding  this issue long time but after last night it's time to do some inner searching and face the fact - I have a problem with alcohol.  Let me tell you how it started. It started the moment I hit 18 and alcohol and nightclubs became accessible. I was t
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Back at home and facing a problem with antipsychotics

Back at home and facing a problem with antipsychotics

I was finally checked out from hospital last Friday. It feels so good to be at home. I've kept myself quite busy. There is no space or time for depression right now.  Hypomania is gone so I am delightfully enjoying steady mindset. I've still got lot of energy but I guess that's the real me - active, motivated and creative. Sometimes it's hard to recognize the real you when you've been sick so long and your illness has become part of your identity. Or at least you think it's who you are. You
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Hypomanic

I have been a day patient this week. I was a day patient before last summer but I didn't feel it as helpful as I did this time. Also my mood has been different from the situation last summer.  As you already know, my mood has been good and I feel like Lithium is really making a difference this time. I wrote before that someday I'll be Saturday night. I didn't expect to be Saturday night  so soon. My mood has changed dramatically.  Today was supposed to be my last day at the hospital bu
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Update

It's been a while since I wrote last time. Maybe some of you have been wondering how things are with me.  I've been at home since last Friday. The kids have a winter break from school this week so that's why they let me home. We were on a cruise to Sweden and kids really enjoyed being on a cruise liner. I spent good time relaxing in a cabin while kids were exploring the ship.  We are also celebrating my son's 13th birthday this week. I can't believe I am a mother to a teenager. I also
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Adults self-harm too

Hear me out, I want to talk about something important. Adults self-harm too. I know it because I am a 34-year-old woman, married and a mother of three and I cut and abuse prescription medicines and other medicines.  Self-harm is not just teenagers' previlege. It's not just childish attention seeking. People cut for various reasons. Sure some are doing it for attention but also to relieve anxiety, feeling of control, punish themselves or maybe they are hearing voices that tell to do so.
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Someday I'll be Saturday night - ward day 10

I'll be allright. Yes, I believe in that.  Things have gotten much better for me during couple of days. I've been very active. I socialize with other patients, go out for walks and take part in groups. Of course it wouldn't necessary apply at home but at least I am doing things to improve my health here in the hospital. I haven't been to home yet but I am going home on weekend. Maybe stay one night.  A strange thing happened to me. I haven't been able to listen to music in so long
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Life in a psychiatric hospital

This is my fifth day in a hospital. I thought of writing you guys what it's like to be here. I am writing from North of Europe so my experience may be somewhat different from yours.  I am having lot of trouble concentrating so let's see how I work this out.  A typical day starts at 730am with a breakfast and distribution of morning meds. Nurses will wake you up and ensure you have some breakfast.  After the breakfast and meds everybody gather in a common room for a morning info. A
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Back to ward

I am back at the hospital. It was sooner and easier than I expected. Cutting and pill popping were about to get out of hands so I had to do something. I called my doctor and told her I need to be hospitalized. I am Lucky to have her as my doctor. She took care of everything so now I am safe and relieved.  I will write more later. I just wanted to tell you guys that I am now where I am supposed to be right now. 
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The appointment

She was allright. The doctor, I mean. I met her for the first time and she totally heard and read me. I wish to stay with her. My doctors have been coming and going after every appointment.  My thoughts are all over the place right now. The appointment raised so many questions and thoughts. The outcome was slightly different than expected. Good I guess however.  We talked about ect, medication, hospital and sick leave.  I was thinking of asking for two or three months sick leave b
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What happened to my October goals?

Do you remember me setting some goals for October? Well, me either until I came across with them today when reading some old posts and thinking of my blog's future.  Let's have a look at them right here and now.      1. I will only work three days a week as I have agreed on. I won't take extra hours, I won't stay late, I will prioritize healt over work. I did pretty good sticking with my shifts and not taking any extra hours. Well, part-time working only worked for me ab
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January 22

This needs to end.  I mean this situation that is going on with me. This depression. I need an ending. I can't go on like this. My family can't go on like this.  A school nurse called me today to pick up my kid in the middle of the school day. She wasn't feeling allright. Two hours later her teacher emailed me about her recent mood swings. She is seven years old. She should be happy and carefree. The teacher wrote that my kid fights with her friends, refuses to participate, is either a
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January 18

I am sharing a photo today. I am not expecting 'likes' or comments. If I wanted those I would have shared the photo on Fb or Instagram. But I didn't.  The reason I wanted to share my picture is that it made me think a lot today about how we control what kind of a picture we want to give other people about our lives.  You know I haven't been well for a long time. Yesterday was a disaster but today is better. I believe that how you start your day will determine the rest of your day. I sh
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January 12

My life is ugly. Cooking a dinner was my only achievement today. That was too almost an impossible task. Just like getting off a bed. I sat there on a stool in front of a stove because I was simply too weak to stand.  While I sat there and waited the dinner cooking I explored a fridge door. Lots of hideous souvenir magnets: New York, Barcelona, Washington DC, London, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Alanya and a Cruise liner to Stockholm. Most of them feel like forever ago and most of them are. Was
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January 11

Things haven't improved for me during the last couple of days. I spend most of my day in bed. I get up in the morning and go back to bed as soon as the kids have left for school. I stay in bed all day except when I get up to make dinner.  The weather has been amazing but I don't go out. Kids have been asking me to take them skating or skiing but I have no energy. It's so pretty outside and I love winter and snow but I am missing all winter fun. Maybe I feel better next month.  My docto
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January 5

By far 2019 has treated me just like the last year. It hasn't been an easy start for this new year. I've got lots of hope but not many expectations.  Today is a lot easier. I am able to write. I have been able to achieve quite many things actually. Small things maybe for someone else but for me going to a mall with the family is a huge deal. Or getting off the bed is really something.  I haven't been able to do anything lately. I sleep around the clock and won't get up. I just lie ther
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December 31

Happy New Year's Eve everybody!    This is the day to look back and reflect how succesful this year was. What did you learn and what did you experience in 2018?  Mine was hard. Probably the hardest year this far. Despite all struggle, lots of good things happened as well. Let's have a look at my illness first and then all the good stuff.  Those of you that don't know, let me remind you I suffer from bipolar disorder, also known as manic depressive.  I suffered from a mix
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December 29

Hello dear readers,  Long time no write.  I've been at home few weeks now. The ward is over and ECT is over. I was total six weeks in the hospital. Christmas with all loved ones was the best. The family is happy but I'm still struggling.  ECT helped me big time. It helped with depression and especially with anxiety that has been killin me. I breathe more freely and I am not obsessed with people following or watching me.  I haven't got hypomania after the ward. That is a big r
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December 11 (ward day 39)

Yes, I am still at the ward.  I've recieved ECT seven times and still three more left. I am hopefull of going home before Christmas. 
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November 29 (ward day 27)

It's been almost four weeks and I am not doing any better. I am feeling slightly suicidal today. I've recieved ECT twice and tomorrow again. I need it to work. My husband can't handle everything alone. 
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November 23 (ward day whatever)

Has it been three weeks, eh? Who cares anymore.  It's been a good day after, well, not so good day. Yesterday was pretty rough. All I could think of was go onto tracks and get hit by a train. Train - easy access and doesn't fail you.  Today I found some meaning in life so I decided to live. At least this one day. See if tomorrow will be different.  ECT hasn't started yet. Maybe Monday they said. Maybe. I am little nervous about anesthesia and had the first nightmare last night. On
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November 20 (ward day 18)

My depression has become worse which you probably have guessed because of fewer diary posts.  The meds are no use but fortunately ECT starts on Friday or Monday. I am very releaved with this decision. ECT gives me little hope I need right now. I am basically totally hopeless and suicide thoughts have occupied my mind whether I like it or not. Also my dreams are all about death.  So that's the latest news. The ward continues... 
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November 16

I am at home today. Came in the morning and will go back to hospital by 7 pm. I don't feel good. I am a wreck. Half alive, half dead. Totally hopeless. I just can't see things change for better.  Life is random and pointless. It's just bad luck and against odds to be born to this world. There is no purpose. No greater good. Just space that is at the same time empty and everything. Without purpose. As pointless as life. Our life is as meaningful as an ant's life. We keep going on for so
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November 14 (ward day 12)

It's been a couple of rough days. I didn't return to any messages or couldn't write yesterday. I have mostly been really depressed. No hypomania since last week. For me depression is not sadness or really low mood. It's indifference towards life and lack of functional capacity. Sometimes anxiety and negative thoughts like worthless, guilt and shame. When it gets really bad I can't move or talk. Day before I sat in my bed and stared a wall for hours. I was there but I was absent. Today
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