About this blog
So first-off I just wanna say I'm not this brilliant all-inspiring blogger and I certainly understand I am very fortunate compared to some and I am extremely lucky to be where I am and to do what I'm doing because I truly feel it's a once in a life time thing. I'm just here to tell my ongoing story about travelling with personal issues. You see all over social media, YouTube especially, the endless breed of 'travel vloggers'. It's all Sun, Sea and over edited Instagram, not one of them speaks of travelling with Depression, Anxiety or any sort of mental illness
"Do it while you're young" they said. "Get out there!" they said. So that's what I did.
(now for a bit of backstory and introduction)
I'm 23 and I would say I'm relatively normal..or so I seem to the outside world. Getting right to the point, I have a voice in my head, my own voice that is, that tells me 'I'm not good enough' . These 4 little words grind me down to the point where I feel like I'm merely a shell of a person. It gets in the way of every day life be that my jobs, relationships or friendships. I've been fighting these words for what feels like a whole entire life time and that's whats scary - I haven't lived my entire life and I don't want to get to 60 odd and look back to see how any years I've wasted obeying and worshipping those 4 words. Anyhow, after counselling various pills, pills and more ineffective pills I finally came to decision of wanting to give CBT ago. It helped, for a bit. From CBT I managed to pin down what was causing all my turmoil which in itself believe it or not does actually help..
There's something about depression which makes you feel stuck, like your hands are tied and your wings are clipped. I think that's why I have such Wanderlust. For those of you who haven't heard this term before it's definition is :- 'a strong desire for or impulse to wander or travel and explore the world'.
Finally, something I could actively do. You see, I was stuck in a job that made me feel awful, both about myself and in general life.. we've all been here, it's nothing new I know. I met someone who felt the same way about life as me (that being, we hate being wage slaves, feeling stuck and not experiencing fulfilling things in our life) So after a year of planning and saving we got our Working Holiday Visas and jet-setted off to Australia.
And here I am now, Australia. We bought a campervan and road tripped the entire east coast for 2 months, now settling down to get jobs to save up and do it all over again in the summer.
Now you'd think, 'everything sounds great' 'how can you ever be sad?' ..remember those 4 words from earlier? They crop up anytime, anywhere. They crop up when my girlfriend is talking to her best friend (who is a guy and is an ex of hers - double blow!) They crop up when I'm in my new job...They crop up when I get fired from said job for not being (and i'm not being cute here)..good enough. They crop up even further when I'm feeling reclusive and my girlfriend feels lonely because I feel like a shell of the man I was just moments before. The fact is I don't feel good enough, not to even enjoy this wonderful trip I'm on, not enough to keep my partner.
Be under no illusion like I was, travelling doesn't make everything better nor does it make 'trigger' situations easier to handle or Maybe I just say this with a bias mind as I only write when things are bad.
Self worth makes a person.. and unfortunately a lack of it can destroy a person too. To doubt yourself in everything you set out to do, yearn to do or even think you have a shot at doing is so difficult I personally can't put into words. To doubt your worth to others is equally as soul destroying that it effects how you feel or act with someone close to you. At the exact same time the fact you feel distant to that person makes you believe they will grow tired of you thus leaving you - proving that one thing that constantly lingers in the back of your mind - 'you're not good enough'
To see conversations face to face or over the internet that make you doubt your relationship and everything that you thought you brought to that relationship. I suppose it can be classed as self centered and in a way it completely is, even if you don't mean it to be.
~ A Troubled Traveller.