Jump to content
A New Look Read more... ×
  • entries
    32
  • comments
    14
  • views
    1,482

About this blog

So first-off I just wanna say I'm not this brilliant all-inspiring blogger and I certainly understand I am very fortunate compared to some and I am extremely lucky to be where I am and to do what I'm doing because I truly feel it's a once in a life time thing. I'm just here to tell my ongoing story about travelling with personal issues. You see all over social media, YouTube especially, the endless breed of 'travel vloggers'. It's all Sun, Sea and over edited Instagram, not one of them speaks of travelling with Depression, Anxiety or any sort of mental illness

"Do it while you're young" they said. "Get out there!" they said. So that's what I did.
(now for a bit of backstory and introduction) 
I'm 23 and I would say I'm relatively normal..or so I seem to the outside world. Getting right to the point, I have a voice in my head, my own voice that is, that tells me 'I'm not good enough' . These 4 little words grind me down to the point where I feel like I'm merely a shell of a person. It gets in the way of every day life be that my jobs, relationships or friendships. I've been fighting these words for what feels like a whole entire life time and that's whats scary - I haven't lived my entire life and I don't want to get to 60 odd and look back to see how any years I've wasted obeying and worshipping those 4 words. Anyhow, after counselling various pills, pills and more ineffective pills I finally came to decision of wanting to give CBT ago. It helped, for a bit. From CBT I managed to pin down what was causing all my turmoil  which in itself believe it or not does actually help..

There's something about depression which makes you feel stuck, like your hands are tied and your wings are clipped. I think that's why I have such Wanderlust. For those of you who haven't heard this term before it's definition is :- 'a strong desire for or impulse to wander or travel and explore the world'. 
Finally, something I could actively do. You see, I was stuck in a job that made me feel awful, both about myself and in general life.. we've all been here, it's nothing new I know. I met someone who felt the same way about life as me (that being, we hate being wage slaves, feeling stuck and not experiencing fulfilling things in our life) So after a year of planning and saving we got our Working Holiday Visas and jet-setted off to Australia. 
And here I am now, Australia. We bought a campervan and road tripped the entire east coast for 2 months, now settling down to get jobs to save up and do it all over again in the summer. 

Now you'd think, 'everything sounds great' 'how can you ever be sad?' ..remember those 4 words from earlier? They crop up anytime, anywhere. They crop up when my girlfriend is talking to her best friend (who is a guy and is an ex of hers - double blow!) They crop up when I'm in my new job...They crop up when I get fired from said job for not being (and i'm not being cute here)..good enough. They crop up even further when I'm feeling reclusive and my girlfriend feels lonely because I feel like a shell of the man I was just moments before. The fact is I don't feel good enough, not to even enjoy this wonderful trip I'm on, not enough to keep my partner.

Be under no illusion like I was, travelling doesn't make everything better nor does it make 'trigger' situations easier to handle or Maybe I just say this with a bias mind as I only write when things are bad. 
Self worth makes a person.. and unfortunately a lack of it can destroy a person too. To doubt yourself in everything you set out to do, yearn to do or even think you have a shot at doing is so difficult I personally can't put into words. To doubt your worth to others is equally as soul destroying that it effects how you feel or act with someone close to you. At the exact same time the fact you feel distant to that person makes you believe they will grow tired of you thus leaving you - proving that one thing that constantly lingers in the back of your mind - 'you're not good enough'
To see conversations face to face or over the internet that make you doubt your relationship and everything that you thought you brought to that relationship. I suppose it can be classed as self centered and in a way it completely is, even if you don't mean it to be.

~ A Troubled Traveller.

Entries in this blog

 

A long time no see.

It's been a long time.  A very long time. The last time I posted I think I was back I Australia around 7 months ago. I've been fwwling alot bettern since my laat episode. I'm now residing in New Zealand, with a stable job and I thought a much more stable set of emotions. Tonight I got drunk and realised I still lother of being myself. I'm a terrible lover and don't compare right to previous lovers or boyfriends. Bloody hell it's been a long time since I've felt this way. It almost feels like coming back home to this despair. It's like it's where I'm 'meant' to be despite the goals and aspirations I've met, potentially even exceeded.  I want someone real to talk to.   A Troubled Traveller. 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

No Sleep Later

Been moreorless awake since 3am.. I'm seething with anger for some unknown reason. I want to lash out, punch walls and do loads of things I wouldn't normally want to do to escape. I feel like if I were to have free reign I would be at risk.  I imagine this is how people get into taking drugs, multiple one night stands and gambling. Anything to escape the thing that's grinding them down the most. I'm angry, which makes me feel like a danger to myself. I'm irrational and don't give one care about anything or anyone when in this mood. It's nice to feel so carefree but to know it's driven by a deep seeded anger isn't a good thing. I'm so tired, but the anger coursing through my veins keeps me awake. ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

To Turn a Blind Eye

I've tried CBT and I've tried ACT, none of which worked or helped in the slightest. If anything they made things worse by teaching me to analyse everything that went on and all of the thoughts I had.  I've come to the realisation that plain old ignoring everything that I think of and feel is the only way I can truly get over things and not become too consumed by my emotions. Ignoring feelings and thoughts isn't healthy but unfortunately seems to be the only thing I have left in my toolbox as a last resort as nothing else has worked. I know this strategy won't help in the long run as I know sooner or later all of these suppressed emotions will find their way out and I'll end up in another state. I'm running out. ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Tick, Tock

Like a time bomb waiting to explode.  I've had a good week or two..energised.. social, confident, lively. Maybe thanks to the Pristiq tablets I've been on for the last 7 weeks or maybe it was something else.  Today I'm back to feeling my normal self - Reclusive, drained, self conscious, over thinking.. tired, so extremely tired.  I'm not sure if these tablets have lost their effectiveness or whether I've run myself down with going to the gym using up the new founded energy I had.  I find myself wanting to sleep all of the time, not wanting to talk to anyone and being insecure once again with limitless over thinking. Maybe I'm beginning to have Bi-polar and this is my downhill spiral after the high I've been enjoying. I just want to sleep it all off and wake up with that great attitude and energy for life I once had which is already starting to fade away from my awareness.  We have another trip planned but I'm already starting to worry how I'm going cope if this exhausted mood carries on ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Where is my mind?

Something has started my head off again, it's running it's negative thought program like a virus does on a computer. Infecting and stealing my identity from me. I'm yet again just a empty shell, numb from pills but still conflicted deep down inside. I wish to just ignore all of this but know its not healthy to bury things.  Lost on what to do. Tried reaching out but people just won't reply. I'm tired of trying, so very tired.  ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Fight for Light

The last couple of days have felt like weeks. I've been sitting in somewhat of an intense lonely darkness where I truly believe I could have ended my life at any moment. Fighting the urges, replaying bad decisions and moments that I could and should have easily avoided.  I thought this was finally the end where could give in and end it all. My brain has other plans from me. I woke up this morning wanting to fight back, wanting to fix all I had broken, wanting to better myself, wanting to break through this wall I've got built up around me. I want help, I need help, yet I have no idea what or where to get it.  I have all my bags, all my goals but noone or nothing to transport me to where I need to be.  How do I let my mistakes go so I can move forward? How do I keep the motivation and really drive myself to where I so wish to be? I fear the motivation won't last and I'll be back to the dark depths I usually find myself in, wishing I wasn't alive. I desperately need advice on what I can do with these little glimmers of light. Please help me.  ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Fight to the Death

I've always been determined no matter what the state of mind I've been in. Always fighting the unseen battle. I've always wanted more for myself and strived to better myself. Unfortunately I feel like I've lost. I feel my sanity slipping, or maybe it has already and I just haven't really noticed. I sit here in this cafe on my own.. lonely, my head practically spinning, the recolection of past mistakes and missed opportunities swirling around above me. I feel so lost, so alone. It's loneliness I don't want but know I should have so I don't drag anyone else down with me. This feeling is so painful yet feels so much like home, almost comfortable even. Damagingly dark thoughts and shadows cast over me. Can't. Do. This. But I have no other choice, I can't hurt those who don't deserve it.
I feel so incredibly manic, like I'm going to do something I wouldn't normally do, I fear this state as I truly believe I'll end up in a situation that I can't get out of. Need help but I have noone who even remotely understands. I truly have no strong connections with anyone and it hurts so much that I can't talk to anyone about this.
The last month for me my emotions, my mental health, my relationship.. everything has been spiralling down, out of my control. I don't know whether it's the Prisq medicine I've started taking or whether I'm genuinely losing my mind and my life to this depression. I'm fighting and drastically losing battle. Infact I would go as far as to say I think I've finally given up. I'm off the rails, I'm scared where I'm headed. ~ A Troubled Traveller.

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Losing like a rigged game

I'm in hostels on my own right now. We're having space from each other which we both agreed as it is good for our relationship..but I'm sure she's having alot more fun than I am. 
Saturday night last which means loads of people being social. I start off being very secluded, but try to get involved, integrate myself with all the unfamiliar, extroverted faces that fill the communal area. They've known eachother a long time it seems, but maybe they haven't and they're just alot better and social situations than I am. My forced social experiment goes O.K and I escape reasonably unscathed, being able to talk to a few people, with nerves of course but not at all with ease. I'm uncomfortable to hell.
I find these 2 friendly Swedish girls who I find weirdly easy to talk to. I am very self-conscious and anxious but I continue to act chilled out. Thoroughly relying on the people around me to take over conversations. 
The communal area shuts at 10pm and everyone is forced to go inside.. the structure of my social gathering crumbles and I lose my new acquaintances. I feel alone again and am forced to return to my secluded dorm where I just end up going to bed. 

This experiment of staying in separate hostels has made me realise how much of a socially anxious, depressed introverted person I really am. It's proven how incredibly lonely I would be, due to my lack of social skills and the fact I don't feel like I get much pleasure out of talking to people anyway (perhaps again due to anxiety). I feel like I should be the opposite of this. I feel like my partner would want me to be the opposite to this as well. I realise that I get intense jealousy when I see my partner interacting and making friends with new random people. I'm jealous that I can't interact with such ease, with such pleasure. Meanwhile I feel like I'm in the background taking a back seat because I don't enjoy it. 
I hate the way I am and I suppose that's where the stuggle begins and ends. I'm not comfortable being this way, making me want more from myself. I'm disappointed, lonely and depressed being anti-social yet I can't force myself because I don't enjoy being social. I get nothing from it but tiredness, anxious and more self-criticism. But jealous when I see others speaking with such ease and thrill..
Honestly, how do I even win? ~ A Troubled Traveller

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Empty Shell

It's come around again, the emptiness, the despair, the utter shell like personality I'm now portraying. I can't motivate, pick up or talk myself round. People can see me, but I'm not there, I'm not behind the eyes they see, I'm locked away in the far reaches of my mind. Stuck, alone, unable to speak out. I tired breaking up with my girlfriend  for her own good but she won't let me. I don't understand why she still wants me when it's so obvious she'd be so much happier without me. She talks to people we've met with so much ease, making friends and having long conversations that last till the early hours of the morning. Why would she even notice me if I was to leave? She's a better human than I'll ever be and I'm just never going to be good for her.  For the first time in a long time I can't be positive, I can't see the potential changes or talk of my feelings of hope. I feel nothing but this negativity and maybe an end to something. ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Slipped, Fell, Falling

It's begun. I thought I moved past this stage in my life. I thought I was on the way up within the bigger picture but I can't be more wrong. The dangerous thoughts of 'the end' are back. A few nights ago I was almost certain I was ready to commit. I was again alone on a beach in the dead of night, ready and contemplating.  I was stopped, but it wasn't welcomed. I was sure it was my time that night and the days that have followed I've been trying to recover from the deep darkness of that night. I've been clawing at trying to get some alone time to process my thoughts, to think in a wide open space, not having to deal with things whilst surrounded by people.  Right now is the only chance I've had to just get away, listen to music and attempt to figure out what my brain is doing. I'm in a right mess and at this moment can't find a way out of it.. in a way that doesn't involve hurting anyone. I feel like crying, all the time which is a feeling I haven't felt in so many years.  This has been a monumental leap backwards and I have absolutely no idea how to get any incling of motivation to pick myself up from this.. I fear things will only get worse. All I have is hope, hope without faith. ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Alone On A Beach

Tonight I sit on my own, only this time it isn't just in my head. It's 1am and I'm currently writing this on a beach off the west coast of Australia. Pitch black. The stars and my phone are there only remote source of light here. I hear only waves and wind, that alone is enough right now. A tranquil paradise in comparison to these damaging thoughts and impulse decisions. I've been drinking but I'm not drunk. I know how I'm feeling and I know full well it's not alcohol induced.  My life really doesn't matter, to people, to this world.. and that's okay. I'm merely a smudge on this earth, to this galaxy, to this universe.  I'v come to conclusion that I'd prefer to feel forever alone than to feel..whatever this is. Infact I feel so alone sometimes anyway so why even be in a relationship? I don't want to rejoin the group, I don't want to rejoin the same damn feelings and thoughts I get. I want to detach, disappear right this second. I want all this energy to be used for something better.  I will sit on this beach alone, in the pitch black, with nothing but stars for goals and happiness, both physically in this moment and mentally for the foreseeable future. I'm so lost and so lonely.

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Rejection & Emotional Rambling

Another rejection, another piercing stake through my rib cage. At this point I feel hollowed out, numb infact. Maybe that's just how I cope nowadays. I have no more motivation for today to make myself feel good enough again. No more mental strength to pull me out of this isolated ditch. She's supposed to be my partner but I just feel shunted left, right and center. I know I feel alot stronger emotions than most people but that knowledge changes nothing.
'ACT' fails to help me on this occasion.

I've realised for a long time now that the world just doesn't make sense to me. The people, their actions, the trends. The way society is, completely bewilders me to the extent where I just don't feel like I belong. Animal cruelty, false allegations, mass shootings, absolutely ridiculous leaders - are just some of the things I read about this week. It's so destressing not being able to understand why things are the way they are.
I don't want to be here anyone, not this country, but this world, this life. So many overwhelming emotions are coursing through my consciousness it's hard to focus on anything else.

I'm beginning to think I'm more than just merely over-emotional. ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Ruined moments.

Another moment comes and goes. Consumed, digested and then spat out the other end. Beaten, torched and destroyed on its journey forward. Yet again I ruin and destroy a potentially good moment in this life I call my own. Starting off with high hopes only for it to be sucked down into a vacuum that is my dark side. All it takes is a wrong statement, a wrong judgement call, a wrong decision, the wrong tone of voice. No stopping it. It happens and then the inevitable consequences follow. Foundations of my happiness, crumbling beneath me. Back to the bottom of the pile, the level 1, the starting square.  2am and the shadow questions start pouring in like the floodgates have failed.."Why am I even here? Should I go? How would I do it? Why am I like this?"  I will sleep tonight and wish to never awake. But I will. Like a stubborn mouth alcer that just wont heal, I'll keep hurting, make it worse by biting down. What state will my sanity be in, if any? I'm on the brink of giving up once again. I promised myself I would never allow myself to get here again but here I sit, on the fence. 2 decisions, sleep or impulsive action.  I always choose sleep. But how has that worked out for me in the long run really?   Something bad is going to happen, that I am sure of. What my reaction will be though is what scares me the most.. ~ A Troubled Traveller             

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

(dis)connections

It's just such a mess. How do you tell the difference between a bad mindset and something that is actually wrong? Intimacy is something I physically need in my life. A connection both in mind and intertwining bodies. It provides me with a self-worth and happiness that nothing else comes even close to. I need it so badly, the frustration gnawings the inside of my head.  Despite my age and gender it's not about just the sex, it's the feeling of a bond and deep meaningful connection. I want to hold and be held, to know that I'm wanted in every way.. that I'm good enough to be a part of 'this'.  Is it so much to ask to feel wanted, loved and lusted after? I'm so sick of feeling so strong about things and desperately wanting such deep passionate intimacy - to no avail. All this makes me doubt myself, my worth..my relationship.. I'm gunna try and put all this unwanted energy into something else. What that is yet, I don't know. ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Hourglass

I'm having a low day today. All I can bring myself to do is sit in the corner of this hostel communal room with my headphones in, pumping sound into my head in an attempt to drown out the madness and unhelpful thoughts that are suffocating me. Can't help imagining the hour glass of my life, the sand trickling through, wasting those precious moments on allowing myself to be consumed by this crippling negativity. This imagery makes me panic. 'My light is too slight to hold back all my dark' - Lyrics I'm sure sum up how most of us feel, so very well. I want so much more from myself. ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Some Positives

There's something I have never admitted to anyone, not on here nor in relationships (apart from my current partner). Something unnecessary yet so embarrassing and very inconvenient in daily life but even more so when travelling like myself.
A quick google search shows apparently a fair few people have also have suffered this in their life time, mainly when they are children but sometimes it carries on into their adulthood. 
I won't go into it but I'm happy to say I've finally overcome this small yet so significant anxiety that has really had a hold of me for far too many years. Now that I've gotten over 'it', it'll make my daily life so much easier and comfortable. 

No, it won't fix all my issues but hell it's one less to have to worry about. 

Me and my partner also had a talk. I explained how I was feeling, she explained how she was feeling and we both agreed to be more supportive of each other. 
We have been very close since this talk. 

Right now, I love the way we are. But I am aware that it's not good to try not to hold on so tightly to this feeling. The tighter you attempt to hold onto happiness, the quicker you lose grip of it.

At this moment I am happy and a little bit proud of myself. 

~ A Troubled Traveller.
 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

(Relation)ship is sinking

We haven't been the same for a long time but recently we've been worse than ever.  We both say we want to try and get this back on track but there seems to be a lack of anything either of us is doing. I suggested giving us some time alone apart as we are together moreorless consistently and we've had some space from time to time but not much has changed.  Being in this position makes me unbelievably uncomfortable, insecure and confused to maximum possible levels. It's so bad I'd rather us just break up but I don't want that - I want us to be..well.. US again. I want us to have that spark back, that intensive electric bolt that once flowed through us as though we were ourselves creating an epic lighting storm. I'm so torn. We're not in a good place but I seem to be the one who's suffering the most. All the thoughts, the stories, possible outcomes, things I've done, things i could have done. I seem to think of nothing else and it's eating me alive.  I'm expecting the worst, but the 'worst' may actually feel better than the unwanted stuck limbo that this is. 2018 is looking.. troubling. ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Compiling a Profile

A big thing I struggle with is knowing who I am. 'Finding myself' is still something I haven't been able to do, along with a rather large list of other flaws I have to my name. Am I an introvert, socially anxious or just feel no need to socialise or talk with people the majority of the time? Am I a good person or something different? Things I know I am:- I'm emotional, I'm an overthinker, I'm an over analyser, I'm temperamental, I'm jealous, I'm insecure, I'm anxious, I'm standoffish (at times), I can be loving, kind, generous, helpful, awkward and selfish.  Yet still no real clue who I really am.  It's an identity crisis.  I hope through the travelling we've got planned for 2018 it will all eventually come to light but I've learned so far not to expect such changes so quickly.  ~ A Troubled Traveller 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

For Clarity

Tonight is the first night, in what feels like a long time since I felt this manic feeling. I write tonight in the hope to bring somewhat sense of calm to myself.
A steady stream of negativity has been lapping up in my head like the tide does on rocks upon the shore line. All efforts to defuse my thoughts just weren't enough this time to stop my barrier from cracking. Before I knew it the pressure, the anxiety, the negativity, the thoughts, had all built up. I needed to get out, out of the room, out of company. I needed solitude where I could weep by myself without the need to explain or analyse why I felt the way I did. 

I keep feeling I need to push myself, to break from my shell, to make the best out of the situation I have in front of me. After all the only one whose stopping myself from appreciating all of this, is me. This very pressure is only making me feel worse. Worse for not 'seizing the day' and all the other buzz words that the self help books and quotes written by people, who have utterly no idea what it feels like to be this way. The whole thing is a happiness trap.

Tomorrow, I know that I will awake in a better mood. To me it will be forgotten but to my significant other, she will most likely add this to the ever increasing list of bad moments for her on this trip. This alone makes me feel worse than the feelings and thoughts that bother me. Knowing I drag her down only confirms the forever echo that continues within darkness of my mind - I'm not good enough, least of all for her.  She says she hasn't got the mental energy to support me anymore - honestly who can blame her. 

~ A Troubled Traveller.
 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

A Taste of Normality

I had a wonderful taste of normality that lasted a whole 7(ish) days, It was bliss. I was surprisingly chatty to people at work and I enjoyed it. I felt very close to my girlfriend and was genuinely enjoying life I thought.  But, nothing lasts forever.. I saw something, a message that has brought my joyful, fun, gleaming self back behind the invisible bars. Replaced once again by the hollowed out shell that autopilots this body when the real me is trapped behind a trigger or an idea.  I know this won't last long but at the moment the more I try and fight this the more it feels like I'm just ignoring my feelings. Deceiving myself, masking over a grey pattern with a weak, dried out felt-tip pen.  I'm grateful that I felt so good, so alive even for just a few days. This is an achievement, even if it is now just a fading memory that feels like someone else's.  I'll have to just wait this one out again.  ~ A Troubled Traveler

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Oh Hello, Mellow

Lately my mind feels like it's been on overtime, the clogs just not wanting to stop. Sometimes it's difficult to even pin-point the things I think about. 
I have the tendency in these times to zone out to the point I don't hear people talk or even call to me - Very close to what you may see in movies, muffled noises and then eventually snap back into reality and realize someone is trying to get my attention. 

Tonight, I'm still thoughtful but I feel mellowed out. I like this feeling. I haven't got that 'back to work, Sunday night' feeling that I always get, even though I have work tomorrow. 
It's like my thoughts are still there, but they're currently on hold. Perhaps I'm emotionally exhausted.
Whatever it is, it's a welcomed break nevertheless. 
I'm thinking about the near future, the freedom, the driving into the sunset. It gives me a positive buzz inside of me, it gives me hope. Being out there on the open road makes me feel like I'm apart of something bigger than my boxed in, isolated degrading thoughts. Even if it's just temporary, I'll take it.

I heard from someone once, "always look back from where you've come"..They were on about travelling but personally I think that can be used in more than just one context.

Here's to the future, whatever it may bring.

~ A Troubled Traveller

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Change, anyone?

6 months and 19 days of travelling.. but have I changed?

..The reason I write tonight suggests not. or rather, not in the way I would like anyhow. 
I guess I'm both annoyed and kinda worried that I haven't changed as much as I thought I would. By now I hoped to be somewhat a 'social butterfly' of sorts, you know.. what with meeting new people, being in new situations and generally being out of my comfort zone. I thought by doing these things I would have changed how I viewed myself thus being alot less insecure, doubtful and I guess, socially anxious too.
Who wants to feel so insecure that it feels almost everyone your partner looks at or talks to in a friendly jolly way, is a threat to you and your relationship? Nobody.
What's strange is I find myself having bouts of confidence, usually after what I think is a 'successful' conversation with maybe someone at work. It's these little successes that make me want to continue making conversation with people.
 love feeling this way. It's as almost as though someone has opened a pair of windows overlooking a country landscape on a summers day, with all these smells and wildlife noises you're not normally witness to. 
Then something knocks me off this high feeling, for instance an 'insecurity' scenario... all of a sudden, those once wide open cottage windows slam shut, iron bars emerge from the walls with barbed wire intertwining around the place. Before you know it I'm sat back in that prison cell that I should probably call 'home' now. 

I apologize for the overuse of metaphors, I guess the only way to really understand how trapped someone feels, is to visualize it.

Hey, maybe after 6 months and 20 days everything will miraculously be as I hoped for..?
The internal battling continues, but it's welcomed relief to be able to empty (part of) my head tonight

~A Troubled Traveller   

 

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Escapism.

A family thing has popped up and I find myself reverting back to my old ways. I'm running again. Back when I was a kid, all I did was run away, block out, suppress the lot. Escapism is the number one thing I learned from my childhood. Well, that and reckless actions..which again were all to the same effect.
Tonight I will escape by watching a long series of some kind. Not the most outlandish of activities I know but it's something to block the world out.
I can deal and face most of my issues especially as I battle them so relentlessly most of my waking moments. 
Family past is something I will forever run away from. It's too full of missed opportunities and regrets. 
Enough attention and tears have been given to this already tonight.
I need my escape now.

~ A Troubled Traveller

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Survival & Distance

I survived recent events and things are looking up, by way of what can only be described as forces beyond my imagination. Perhaps she's just a better person than I'll ever be. Once again I've been extremely lucky and managed to swerve away from a deep metaphorical hole in the highway of my life.   

She's gone away on a mini trip by herself to gain some independent travelling confidence. She tried backing out of it today saying she'd rather me come with her. I can't say I didn't love hearing that and thought about going with her but I made a promise to myself not to be so selfish with this second chance I had been given. I talked her round to going alone - as much as it pained me to say goodbye to her at the train station. I think it'll be good for both her and our recovering relationship for her to have some space away from me. A little bit of distance is sometimes just the right move to fix things.

Tonight, I'm alone. My mind wonders effortlessly at the best of times.. but right now the thoughts are dulled right down. This surprises me.
I do wonder of how she is, who shes talking to and how much fun she's having without me but I'm trying not to dwell too much. I'm thinking about her and not my feelings for a change. I'm not jealous but I do hope she's safe and is having a good time. 
I trust her.

I'm in a place.. more positive than negative but still I'm unsure. I feel a piece of me is missing but I know it's a piece that isn't lost - it's just at a distance from me, for now. 

I am grateful today (and in general) 

~ A Troubled Traveller

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

I do it to myself.

'Find you some paper,
And I'll go grab you a pen,
You can start making notes,
On how this all started again.'

..I have ****ed everything up.
I not only lied to her I also swore to her out of fear. I am a disgusting human being and I deserve all the bad I feel throughout life. I'm a selfish P.O.S who I hate more than anyone possibly could. God how I ******* despise myself.

I felt the words come out of my mouth like jumbled lettering cascading over my lips without permission. My heart sank as soon as I realised what I had done. She knew. I knew. 

I have abused her trust beyond repair, despite her efforts in trying to understand my reasoning for it all. I did have reasoning, but it doesn't excuse my actions in lying to her in such horrific fashion. 
Not only have a shattered her trust in me, I've created a whole painful situation to which we both don't trust each other. I'm so frightened she's going to do something out of spite, she's already lying to me about what she's doing and deleting internet history. What next?

I have royally ****** up and for what, getting in touch with an ex because I wanted to build bridges and have a close friend again. 

I truly believe I am cursed with making bad decisions.. and I wonder why I'm so indecisive in daily life? 
I've had so much luck for so long. Meeting her, Attracting her, Living with her, Travelling with her. Her.  It was bound to come crashing down because of me at some point. 
I will never forgive myself for destroying this wonderful thing I had. I can't live being constantly paranoid there will be a painful retaliation. 

It's funny how I commented on anothers post saying 'I no longer feel death was is option' ..how things change so rapidly. It's an option alright.
I'm destined to be a **** up forever it seems.

They say you 'live and learn'.... at what point do you start learning exactly?

I'll let you know if I make it out of this alive.

- A troubled Traveller. 

Stencils118

Stencils118

×