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About this blog

So first-off I just wanna say I'm not this brilliant all-inspiring blogger and I certainly understand I am very fortunate compared to some and I am extremely lucky to be where I am and to do what I'm doing because I truly feel it's a once in a life time thing. I'm just here to tell my ongoing story about travelling with personal issues. You see all over social media, YouTube especially, the endless breed of 'travel vloggers'. It's all Sun, Sea and over edited Instagram, not one of them speaks of travelling with Depression, Anxiety or any sort of mental illness

"Do it while you're young" they said. "Get out there!" they said. So that's what I did.
(now for a bit of backstory and introduction) 
I'm 23 and I would say I'm relatively normal..or so I seem to the outside world. Getting right to the point, I have a voice in my head, my own voice that is, that tells me 'I'm not good enough' . These 4 little words grind me down to the point where I feel like I'm merely a shell of a person. It gets in the way of every day life be that my jobs, relationships or friendships. I've been fighting these words for what feels like a whole entire life time and that's whats scary - I haven't lived my entire life and I don't want to get to 60 odd and look back to see how any years I've wasted obeying and worshipping those 4 words. Anyhow, after counselling various pills, pills and more ineffective pills I finally came to decision of wanting to give CBT ago. It helped, for a bit. From CBT I managed to pin down what was causing all my turmoil  which in itself believe it or not does actually help..

There's something about depression which makes you feel stuck, like your hands are tied and your wings are clipped. I think that's why I have such Wanderlust. For those of you who haven't heard this term before it's definition is :- 'a strong desire for or impulse to wander or travel and explore the world'. 
Finally, something I could actively do. You see, I was stuck in a job that made me feel awful, both about myself and in general life.. we've all been here, it's nothing new I know. I met someone who felt the same way about life as me (that being, we hate being wage slaves, feeling stuck and not experiencing fulfilling things in our life) So after a year of planning and saving we got our Working Holiday Visas and jet-setted off to Australia. 
And here I am now, Australia. We bought a campervan and road tripped the entire east coast for 2 months, now settling down to get jobs to save up and do it all over again in the summer. 

Now you'd think, 'everything sounds great' 'how can you ever be sad?' ..remember those 4 words from earlier? They crop up anytime, anywhere. They crop up when my girlfriend is talking to her best friend (who is a guy and is an ex of hers - double blow!) They crop up when I'm in my new job...They crop up when I get fired from said job for not being (and i'm not being cute here)..good enough. They crop up even further when I'm feeling reclusive and my girlfriend feels lonely because I feel like a shell of the man I was just moments before. The fact is I don't feel good enough, not to even enjoy this wonderful trip I'm on, not enough to keep my partner.

Be under no illusion like I was, travelling doesn't make everything better nor does it make 'trigger' situations easier to handle or Maybe I just say this with a bias mind as I only write when things are bad. 
Self worth makes a person.. and unfortunately a lack of it can destroy a person too. To doubt yourself in everything you set out to do, yearn to do or even think you have a shot at doing is so difficult I personally can't put into words. To doubt your worth to others is equally as soul destroying that it effects how you feel or act with someone close to you. At the exact same time the fact you feel distant to that person makes you believe they will grow tired of you thus leaving you - proving that one thing that constantly lingers in the back of your mind - 'you're not good enough'
To see conversations face to face or over the internet that make you doubt your relationship and everything that you thought you brought to that relationship. I suppose it can be classed as self centered and in a way it completely is, even if you don't mean it to be.

~ A Troubled Traveller.

Entries in this blog

 

A long time no see.

It's been a long time.  A very long time. The last time I posted I think I was back I Australia around 7 months ago. I've been fwwling alot bettern since my laat episode. I'm now residing in New Zealand, with a stable job and I thought a much more stable set of emotions. Tonight I got drunk and realised I still lother of being myself. I'm a terrible lover and don't compare right to previous lovers or boyfriends. Bloody hell it's been a long time since I've felt this way. It almost feels like com

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No Sleep Later

Been moreorless awake since 3am.. I'm seething with anger for some unknown reason. I want to lash out, punch walls and do loads of things I wouldn't normally want to do to escape. I feel like if I were to have free reign I would be at risk.  I imagine this is how people get into taking drugs, multiple one night stands and gambling. Anything to escape the thing that's grinding them down the most. I'm angry, which makes me feel like a danger to myself. I'm irrational and don't give one c

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To Turn a Blind Eye

I've tried CBT and I've tried ACT, none of which worked or helped in the slightest. If anything they made things worse by teaching me to analyse everything that went on and all of the thoughts I had.  I've come to the realisation that plain old ignoring everything that I think of and feel is the only way I can truly get over things and not become too consumed by my emotions. Ignoring feelings and thoughts isn't healthy but unfortunately seems to be the only thing I have left in my tool

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Tick, Tock

Like a time bomb waiting to explode.  I've had a good week or two..energised.. social, confident, lively. Maybe thanks to the Pristiq tablets I've been on for the last 7 weeks or maybe it was something else.  Today I'm back to feeling my normal self - Reclusive, drained, self conscious, over thinking.. tired, so extremely tired.  I'm not sure if these tablets have lost their effectiveness or whether I've run myself down with going to the gym using up the new founded energy I had. 

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Where is my mind?

Something has started my head off again, it's running it's negative thought program like a virus does on a computer. Infecting and stealing my identity from me. I'm yet again just a empty shell, numb from pills but still conflicted deep down inside. I wish to just ignore all of this but know its not healthy to bury things.  Lost on what to do. Tried reaching out but people just won't reply. I'm tired of trying, so very tired.  ~ A Troubled Traveller 

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Fight for Light

The last couple of days have felt like weeks. I've been sitting in somewhat of an intense lonely darkness where I truly believe I could have ended my life at any moment. Fighting the urges, replaying bad decisions and moments that I could and should have easily avoided.  I thought this was finally the end where could give in and end it all. My brain has other plans from me. I woke up this morning wanting to fight back, wanting to fix all I had broken, wanting to better myself, wanting

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Fight to the Death

I've always been determined no matter what the state of mind I've been in. Always fighting the unseen battle. I've always wanted more for myself and strived to better myself. Unfortunately I feel like I've lost. I feel my sanity slipping, or maybe it has already and I just haven't really noticed. I sit here in this cafe on my own.. lonely, my head practically spinning, the recolection of past mistakes and missed opportunities swirling around above me. I feel so lost, so alone. It's loneline

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Losing like a rigged game

I'm in hostels on my own right now. We're having space from each other which we both agreed as it is good for our relationship..but I'm sure she's having alot more fun than I am.  Saturday night last which means loads of people being social. I start off being very secluded, but try to get involved, integrate myself with all the unfamiliar, extroverted faces that fill the communal area. They've known eachother a long time it seems, but maybe they haven't and they're just alot better and social

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Empty Shell

It's come around again, the emptiness, the despair, the utter shell like personality I'm now portraying. I can't motivate, pick up or talk myself round. People can see me, but I'm not there, I'm not behind the eyes they see, I'm locked away in the far reaches of my mind. Stuck, alone, unable to speak out. I tired breaking up with my girlfriend  for her own good but she won't let me. I don't understand why she still wants me when it's so obvious she'd be so much happier without me.

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Slipped, Fell, Falling

It's begun. I thought I moved past this stage in my life. I thought I was on the way up within the bigger picture but I can't be more wrong. The dangerous thoughts of 'the end' are back. A few nights ago I was almost certain I was ready to commit. I was again alone on a beach in the dead of night, ready and contemplating.  I was stopped, but it wasn't welcomed. I was sure it was my time that night and the days that have followed I've been trying to recover from the deep darkness of that nig

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Alone On A Beach

Tonight I sit on my own, only this time it isn't just in my head. It's 1am and I'm currently writing this on a beach off the west coast of Australia. Pitch black. The stars and my phone are there only remote source of light here. I hear only waves and wind, that alone is enough right now. A tranquil paradise in comparison to these damaging thoughts and impulse decisions. I've been drinking but I'm not drunk. I know how I'm feeling and I know full well it's not alcohol induced.  My life

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Rejection & Emotional Rambling

Another rejection, another piercing stake through my rib cage. At this point I feel hollowed out, numb infact. Maybe that's just how I cope nowadays. I have no more motivation for today to make myself feel good enough again. No more mental strength to pull me out of this isolated ditch. She's supposed to be my partner but I just feel shunted left, right and center. I know I feel alot stronger emotions than most people but that knowledge changes nothing. 'ACT' fails to help me on this occasion.

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Ruined moments.

Another moment comes and goes. Consumed, digested and then spat out the other end. Beaten, torched and destroyed on its journey forward. Yet again I ruin and destroy a potentially good moment in this life I call my own. Starting off with high hopes only for it to be sucked down into a vacuum that is my dark side. All it takes is a wrong statement, a wrong judgement call, a wrong decision, the wrong tone of voice. No stopping it. It happens and then the inevitable consequences follow. Founda

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(dis)connections

It's just such a mess. How do you tell the difference between a bad mindset and something that is actually wrong? Intimacy is something I physically need in my life. A connection both in mind and intertwining bodies. It provides me with a self-worth and happiness that nothing else comes even close to. I need it so badly, the frustration gnawings the inside of my head.  Despite my age and gender it's not about just the sex, it's the feeling of a bond and deep meaningful connection.

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Hourglass

I'm having a low day today. All I can bring myself to do is sit in the corner of this hostel communal room with my headphones in, pumping sound into my head in an attempt to drown out the madness and unhelpful thoughts that are suffocating me. Can't help imagining the hour glass of my life, the sand trickling through, wasting those precious moments on allowing myself to be consumed by this crippling negativity. This imagery makes me panic. 'My light is too slight to hold back all

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Some Positives

There's something I have never admitted to anyone, not on here nor in relationships (apart from my current partner). Something unnecessary yet so embarrassing and very inconvenient in daily life but even more so when travelling like myself. A quick google search shows apparently a fair few people have also have suffered this in their life time, mainly when they are children but sometimes it carries on into their adulthood.  I won't go into it but I'm happy to say I've finally overcome this s

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(Relation)ship is sinking

We haven't been the same for a long time but recently we've been worse than ever.  We both say we want to try and get this back on track but there seems to be a lack of anything either of us is doing. I suggested giving us some time alone apart as we are together moreorless consistently and we've had some space from time to time but not much has changed.  Being in this position makes me unbelievably uncomfortable, insecure and confused to maximum possible levels. It's so bad I'd r

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Compiling a Profile

A big thing I struggle with is knowing who I am. 'Finding myself' is still something I haven't been able to do, along with a rather large list of other flaws I have to my name. Am I an introvert, socially anxious or just feel no need to socialise or talk with people the majority of the time? Am I a good person or something different? Things I know I am:- I'm emotional, I'm an overthinker, I'm an over analyser, I'm temperamental, I'm jealous, I'm insecure, I'm anxious, I'm standoff

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For Clarity

Tonight is the first night, in what feels like a long time since I felt this manic feeling. I write tonight in the hope to bring somewhat sense of calm to myself. A steady stream of negativity has been lapping up in my head like the tide does on rocks upon the shore line. All efforts to defuse my thoughts just weren't enough this time to stop my barrier from cracking. Before I knew it the pressure, the anxiety, the negativity, the thoughts, had all built up. I needed to get out, out of the roo

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A Taste of Normality

I had a wonderful taste of normality that lasted a whole 7(ish) days, It was bliss. I was surprisingly chatty to people at work and I enjoyed it. I felt very close to my girlfriend and was genuinely enjoying life I thought.  But, nothing lasts forever.. I saw something, a message that has brought my joyful, fun, gleaming self back behind the invisible bars. Replaced once again by the hollowed out shell that autopilots this body when the real me is trapped behind a trigger or an id

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Oh Hello, Mellow

Lately my mind feels like it's been on overtime, the clogs just not wanting to stop. Sometimes it's difficult to even pin-point the things I think about.  I have the tendency in these times to zone out to the point I don't hear people talk or even call to me - Very close to what you may see in movies, muffled noises and then eventually snap back into reality and realize someone is trying to get my attention.  Tonight, I'm still thoughtful but I feel mellowed out. I like this feeling. I have

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Change, anyone?

6 months and 19 days of travelling.. but have I changed? ..The reason I write tonight suggests not. or rather, not in the way I would like anyhow.  I guess I'm both annoyed and kinda worried that I haven't changed as much as I thought I would. By now I hoped to be somewhat a 'social butterfly' of sorts, you know.. what with meeting new people, being in new situations and generally being out of my comfort zone. I thought by doing these things I would have changed how I viewed myself thus bei

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Escapism.

A family thing has popped up and I find myself reverting back to my old ways. I'm running again. Back when I was a kid, all I did was run away, block out, suppress the lot. Escapism is the number one thing I learned from my childhood. Well, that and reckless actions..which again were all to the same effect. Tonight I will escape by watching a long series of some kind. Not the most outlandish of activities I know but it's something to block the world out. I can deal and face most of my issues

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Survival & Distance

I survived recent events and things are looking up, by way of what can only be described as forces beyond my imagination. Perhaps she's just a better person than I'll ever be. Once again I've been extremely lucky and managed to swerve away from a deep metaphorical hole in the highway of my life.    She's gone away on a mini trip by herself to gain some independent travelling confidence. She tried backing out of it today saying she'd rather me come with her. I can't say I didn't love hearing t

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I do it to myself.

'Find you some paper, And I'll go grab you a pen, You can start making notes, On how this all started again.' ..I have ****ed everything up. I not only lied to her I also swore to her out of fear. I am a disgusting human being and I deserve all the bad I feel throughout life. I'm a selfish P.O.S who I hate more than anyone possibly could. God how I ******* despise myself. I felt the words come out of my mouth like jumbled lettering cascading over my lips without permission. My hear

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