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About this blog

sharing my journey of living with anxiety and depression.. also sharing my life.. the good the bad and all the in between.. it always helps knowing you are not alone.

Entries in this blog

 

"Depressive Episode"

I am having a really rough day.. a really rough year to be honest.. but.. today I just lost it..  I am tired of being strong for everyone and then not having much support.. or people who really get what I am going through.. Funny enough I said I would be back on here more regularly and then depression decided otherwise.. not just for this site but for a lot of things in my life.. I have been going through a lot of changes and that usually triggers a bad response.. my previous ther
 

starting over..

hey there!   So, it has been a long time.. since 2017 I guess I had not been on this site.. crazy to think such when I was on here all the time at one point and made some pretty solid friends.. but I guess I should recap and getting into why I left.. what has been going on since I left etc.. Well, I started coming on the site because I was in therapy with a resident I had been assigned to, I had depression and really bad anxiety/ panic attacks from past trauma..I came here to
 

The new therapist called me..

It has been 4 weeks since Lawrence and I said our farewells.. it's been 3 weeks since I last spoke to him.. he called me on the phone to thank me for the letter I wrote him.. I then mentioned having included my email.. to which he responded that we could never be able to talk again.. due to my relationship with the new therapist and just laws in general.. outdated and archaic rules.. but.. I will get into that another time.. but I have to say hearing that from him made me feel like I lost him al

HeartagramGirl

HeartagramGirl

 

how I am feeling/my approach to dealing with a new therapist

First off let me start by saying that every day is getting better.. I know there will be moments where I miss him in the future.. just this weekend something really funny happened and I thought about how I would have told Lawrence about it.. I even keep checking my inbox to see if he will reach out.. but it hasn't even been a week.. when you're heart  is hurting sometimes it can feel like every day is a century long.. I promised him I would give the new therapist a chance.. we spent a

HeartagramGirl

HeartagramGirl

 

we said goodbye..

I started visiting this site when my therapist returned from a 2 month Hiatus.. the longest time we had ever been apart.. I wrote a few forum topics asking for help moving on.. although from the moment he returned it felt like we were already saying goodbye.. I projected my anger and my sadness onto him.. I started to resent him for a while for leaving as I struggle with abandonment issues since childhood.. two years of work leading up to this moment.. I got so caught up in the work I

HeartagramGirl

HeartagramGirl

 

So many unknowns.

I feel so overwhelmed I don't know where to start.. but, April was the month straight from hell.. March wasn't a peach either.. Sometime in late march early April I had a doctors appointment.. I had some tests done.. then I received a call to come in and see  the doctor.. everything seemed fine at first until my radiology results came in.. something is wrong.. and I have to get surgery.. normally I would go into more detail but, this is really personal to disclose on a public leve

HeartagramGirl

HeartagramGirl

 

The Tides are shifting..

In my last blog I talked about feeling stuck.. wanting a change of pace.. and so far I have succeeded! last week I was really busy.. I had a few set backs but when something went wrong I still pushed myself out of the house.. more importantly it feels like I am getting back to my old life.. believe it or not I used to be very social.. it always took me a while to warm up to people but I put myself out there.. last weekend I spent time with some friends and even though I felt uncomfortable becaus

HeartagramGirl

HeartagramGirl

 

Tomorrow and Beyond..

Lately it feels like I have been stuck in this rut... it is so much easier to stay in bed and accomplish nothing.. distract myself all day long.. lately it's just been going to appointments.. mainly therapy.. shopping whenever I need things.. then going home.. I said this year would be different.. that I would reach out to friends more.. but here I sit still stuck.. like I am waiting for the next disaster.. that is how I got myself into this pattern.. for a number of years I was moving from plac

HeartagramGirl

HeartagramGirl

 

you just never know..

Trigger warning..     Yesterday some time after dinner my phone was on vibrate.. which hardly ever happens.. I missed a call from the clinic where I recently had some tests done.. the nurse left a message saying they wanted to discuss my test results.. I don't think you should call someone who has anxiety and say that.. I already have a sour taste in my mouth from this place for various reasons but that is a topic for another blog.. so here I am thinking "great, I am dying.." my t

HeartagramGirl

HeartagramGirl

 

My Journey to Therapy..

So I wasn't sure where to start, I posted a topic on struggles I was having in therapy as I am facing the end.. at least with my current therapist.. but here is the story of what lead me to go in the first place.. I had a pretty decent childhood.. I have 1 sister.. I was raised by my mother and my aunt,my dad was in my life on and off.. he had a drinking problem.. but I loved him.. he was "the fun parent" while my mom had to juggle all the roles.. I was very close to my mom.. and I wasn't w

HeartagramGirl

HeartagramGirl

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