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About this blog

Although I sit quiet and unmoved, in a shroud of darkness that comes from somewhere within - my heart is forever calling out for the freeing depths of the wild.

This blog will serve as a collection of sorts; things I can no longer hold onto by myself.

I hope that those of you who do decide to read these entries can take something away from them, even if it's just knowing that someone struggles along with you.

I encourage your comments and input as well, we are all in this together.

Entries in this blog

 

That's Life, I guess.

I have been absent. I have been lost. My mind hasn't stopped wandering, And I don't know where I am headed next.   But, Im here  so ...

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Alone, Afraid, And Finally Diagnosed

This has been one of the longest weekends of my life. On Saturday, long story short, after having an anxiety attack for nearly 3 hours I made the decision to walk myself over to the nearest emergency room. (I knew when even that 2 hour walk didn' help me) I needed help. I spent the night there, and was transferred to a psychiatric hospital the next afternoon.  It took three days until the psychiatrist actually spoke with me. Three very long, lonely and terrifying days. I could go on about the mistreatment, the assault I suffered from another patient, but I'm  out.. and I would like to move forward and try to bring out the few positives.. I did the right thing. I did what I promised my Doctor I would. I called the crisis line and when that didn't help; I sought help. I do not regret it. I finally have an actual diagnosis, instead of just walking into my doctors and telling here that I'm depressed and anxious. I feel more legitamite know that it isn't me making my own diagnosis. I have PTSD. From 20 years of mental and sexual abuse, and neglect.  Going through this has shown me who is really there for me, and who is toxic. I have made the steps to remove those people from my life. I have deleted my social media accounts, and the chat application that I used as an outlet for self abuse. My doctor has me taking a month off work and we are setting up a few different counselling and therapy appointments. After spending the weekend in the psychiatric hospital, I can confidently say that I will not be afraid this time to attend counselling.   Anything not to have to go back to a place like that. I am on some new medications that will take some time to get used to, but I can feel that I am atleast headed towards the right direction. 

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Through The Cave

Goodbye Citalopram,  Hello Prozac. Saw the Doctor again today, and although I have been showing improvements regarding my anxiety and suicidal thoughts after being on citalopram for a little over a month, we are going to try moving on to Prozac. Starting with 10mg for 3 days, continuing with 20mg afterwards (here's hoping that this change will help with the headaches) I'm a little nervous about it but, honestly, not really compared to when I first started this attempt towards recovery. Recovery... is that the right word to use here? I feel okay. It's hard to think of what to write about really though. I was excited to write about this, but it doesn't appear I have much more worth unloading.. I'm just trying to take it day by day - if I look too far ahead, I start to upset myself. If I let myself think about how badly I still want to get out of this house, I don't want to move.  So like I said, day by day. Before we know it, it will be spring.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Questions Pouring Out

How will I know when or IF Citalopram is working for me? At what point am I supposed to decide to try something else? I know these things take time, I've been on Cit for just a little over 4 weeks now. Last visit with my Doctor she assured me that if the headaches get worse I can try another medication; she believes we are in the right category for treatment.. But I would have to ween off the Cit before trying something else? How long would that take... Its scary to think about starting over again so soon.. Even if the headaches do go away, does that mean this is the medication for me?  My anxiety seems a little bit better but I still have depressing thoughts daily. I haven't had any real alone time since this all started. I'm finding it really hard to see any differences in myself - what if when I finally have some time to myself, all the darkness takes over again? What if I haven't told my Doctor every thing? What if I'm not doing this the right way? What if it's all for nothing? I miss having guidance in my life - clearly I'm not the best support group for myself. If there is anyone out there that has any advice or words of support, I could really use them this morning.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

The Slowest of Crawls

Another week has gone by; I feel as though I barely noticed it was December and now it's almost Christmas. Not that I'm celebrating this year. It's to weird here.. This isn't "home" anymore - it hasn't been since getting in that big fight with my grandmother (my s/o and I live in the basement) I havent spoken with my grandmother in almost 3 months now. Seems silly but just having to go upstairs to use the washroom stresses me out enough now ; having to walk by her after the things she said to me... Hardly sets the mood for decorating and all that...  Anyways.. I saw the Doc again yesterday; dosage has been doubled so now I'm taking 40mg of Citalopram. I'm just happy that the headaches have subsided. Got a refferal to seek counselling but I missed the call today - it seems so silly how much making a phone call terrifies me. It's a problem that's for sure. Just another thing to change I guess. One day - not today. I'll say this though, if it comes up anymore in conversation where I have to say I don't have any friends - I may just make a sign to wear around my neck. With my boss asking multiple times over the month if I know anyone who needs a job, the Doc asking me if I have anyone else I can talk to - - I just feel like I'm on repeat. I can't say not having friends bothers me; thinking about making a new connection like that makes me beyond nervous. Do I really want to dish out all my baggage all over again? That's what it all eventually comes down to right? I've always been quiet, enjoyed my space and everything.  I guess what I'm getting at; Is it worth any ones time becoming friends witg me right now? Clearly I have some bigger things to work at before I am any real friend material. But that's enough Bahumug from me. Merry Christmas everyone

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Those Climbing Steps

I had a doctors appointment today, for the first time in nearly 10 years.   I talked willingly about my mental health with a professional for the first time in my entire life.   For the last month I have been a mess; terrified that todays appointment would be strictly a meet and greet; that I wouldnt have a chance to discuss the issues I have been struggling with.   I can't explain just how relieved I was when she didn't shrug me off.   I can't explain how surprisingly positive I felt when she didn't just tell me to seek counseling - refer me to someone else never to meet again.   I spent the last month trying to convince myself that there was no possibility of getting a prescription of some kind on the first visit; I prepared myself for the worst because I was terrified of how let down I would be if I got my hopes up - if I really went into that appointment hoping to make a big step forward and was only made to make another appointment, wait another week, miss another day of work...   All that worry; and now I'm sitting at home staring at my new prescription - 20mg of Citalopram trying to decide if I should start taking it at night or in the morning; I spent so much time convincing myself I wouldn't get a prescription that I almost don't know what to do with it.   I know I still have a long way to go, I am fully aware that these things take a considerable amount of time, but still ... It's something.   For the first time in my entire life -   It's something.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Get It Out

My heart desperately reaches, Grasping foolishly at fractions, Each beat and I'm crumbling to pieces. Hope is for the future, My mind can't see past this traction, Some sick sense of humour. Words cannot connect, Like beats without the captions, I'm unable to correct. Life choices based on reacting, Who am I without honest actions? My own mind retracting. I don't feel like a person, A shell - offering bitter transactions, My Heart slipped away with the serpent. I don't want to be dark, I don't want to be broken, I can barely survive fate's constant contraptions - I'd give anything not to feel like I'm choking.    

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Reaching From The Deep

"I pray that when I die, I am forgotten swiftly. If not forgotten, I pray they hold it against me." I had this habit of waiting for things to get really bad, then I would sign back on here and start to write out desperate please; for the most part Id stop once I saw how desperate I really was - shaking my head at the thought of what I was doing - disappointed in myself for trying to put my negativity out into the world. The words above, in quotations were left from months ago. Usually I would erase them, but lately I have been realizing something important ... I can't do this on my own; There's no way I'll make it out alive on my own. These words remind me that I may be feeling stable at the moment, but when the moment ends as it always does - I go to a place that is terrifyingly desperate.   I finally have a doctors appointment. Its a month away; and I can't be sure that the first visit will do me any good - as some of you may know from reading my blog/posts I have regretfully been trying all my life, to deal with this alone; grin and bear it so to speak. I am afraid that I wont be able to express my issues well enough, that perhaps the Dr. Wont believe me, there is so much stigma surrounding that first visit; what if she just thinks im an addict of some sort, looking for drugs? What if I'm not as bad off as I think, and the Dr laughs off my struggle just as they did years ago, when many mental health issues were passed of as an unfortunate extention of puberty? These are just my fears. But I fear what I may become if I let this go on too much longer.     

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Inhale & Hold

Well...   Im still here. I tried to delete my account (inquired about it I should say)  I told myself that coming on here wasnt good for me. That it was just making me think more deeply, or whatever. There were a couple of times where I had logged in, started a post and just deleted it. That voicr, the one we are meant to tell screw off - it beats me down. To the point that Ive convinced myself that reaching out does nothing. But here I am again. With nowhere else to go and no one else to tell. I've started acting more recklessly. I wouldnt say dangerously; but Im just asking for a reason to hate myself enough..  Not that I don't hate myself already. But im flirting with the choices that could change my life forever; and I know its not for the better. But Im still asking for it.. I saw my mom for the first time in almost 2 years today. Needless to say it went as expected. I dont want to go into it. Im tired of being into it.   And I understand that the only real advice I can get is to go and see a doctor; and I realise how immature and foolish it must seem that I still cant bring myself to go. If I could only explain what it is that makes me think this way. How it is exactly that I feel. The sense that it seems to make despite me knowing the opposite. Ive spent my whole life thinking. Constantly thinking. Im afraid what happens when Ive run out of it all. Im in the verge of nothing dangerous.. Ive not broken the proper ties I would need to to end this life. But I feel im in the verge of something foolish. Which is the next worst thing. I talked about it. Im not bottling it up. I just cant stop analyzing it.  I feel as if im inhaling in anticipation for something else. And it makes me incredibly sad that just saying it isnt enough. But Im getting to that point of passing sadness. I barely feel.   But Im still here...

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

You're the boss?

Im not a dog, or a slave, or some f***ing object put on this earth to be used up until im nothing. Im a human being, and I have a ******* voice. Im not silent in the background waiting to be commanded. And then ignored when Im no longer useful in your eyes. Im a grown woman, and I expect to be treated as one.  If you can't run your business efficiently, and take it out on your employees, acting like a spoiled brat when things dont go your way ( or when you dont explain yourself properly and then blame us for mishearing you ) Kind of funny how two people can hear you say the exact same thing, but oh no, therea no way thats what you said. But dont tell us we did something wrong, why would you right?The best thing clearly is to give us the silent treatment, talk  about us to the third employee, then storm off and leaving us in the pouring rain. Dont tell us we are leaving either, we love to stand there like idiors in the mud, as the other employee gets mad at us and tells us whats going on. You are a child. Your business deserves to fail.  I put up with it last year, because I thought it would be better if I got used to it. Shame on me.  Shame on you. For thinking you are perfection. All you do is complain and judge. I dont like you. I dobt respect you any more. Im sad that I almost sort of did.  Im sad that no one has ever stood up to you, they just take your abuse and say its all in a hard days work.  I already struggle withing wanting to stay alive. Why in the hell would I spend 50+ hours a week being around you, only to walk like a zombie through the rest of my free time?  If im going to stay alive for now, then my time is worth something. To me anyways. Im applying to other places. You dont know it yet, but im sure it wont be long. I wish I could say all of these things in real life, not only to you, but to everyone ive ever met thats made me feel the same way.   Im worth more than what I've been putting up with. People un this world need to wake up and gain some insight, or im going to go be a hermit in the woods.  Id rather be homeless, jobless, and toothless than put up with people like you at this point.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Sinking

It's pulling me in every day - little by little, I'm more than done for. There's a solemn satisfaction in this loneliness, Grasping at my core. I can't wait for the sweet release, When death comes knocking at my door. To give in would be the easiest thing I've ever done, Who could ask for more?   I'm more than done for.  

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Always & Forever

I made it through the day - and it was a good day. It really was a decent first day back to work. The sun was warm for the majority of the day, and my arms are covered in scratches from taking down christmas lights. I'll take tree branch scratches over scratches from the thorn riddled roses - for now. I still broke down into tears when I got home to my fiance (let's just say B from now on)   It was longer than I expected - I think that was my downfall. Over the last couple of hours, all I could think about was how much I missed B last year when I was working so much. The spring is especially hard - I will have to work 6 days a week for about 2 months. Shifts usually last from 7am - 6pm. I can maybe stay awake until 8pm?  It's so hard being away from him for so long, my love, my rock. But I am so - SO - thankful that I have him to come home to.   It was a good day, but I still cried when I came home to B and some turkey burgers waiting for me at the dinner table. He said all the right things - he always does. When I'm at work and starting to miss him, I try to think of the supporting words he has shared with me. I have to do it in a sort of distant way - if I think too hard about how much I love him, and how much I know he loves me I cry. It's a sort of happy and safe but terrified at the same time. When I was very young I used to pray, and write journals to myself. I was convinced before I was even a teenager, that I would not make it out of my teenage years. I fully believed in my heart to be dead by 20.    I can't explain to you how much this man has saved me, in all the best of ways. How much I've put him through with my emotional-pain, but he still stands by me, still helps me grow every day. For all the horrible things that have happened to me, and all of the heavy fear and hurt I carry in my heart every. single. day. - it's all worth it to have B by my side.   It's going to be another long year - but it's going to be okay  

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

A Promise

I know what to expect this time. I know that hard work pays off, and the time for rest does come. Days may be long, and hard, but tomorrow still brings anew. I want to take this moment, really sit here and think as it slowly passes, To make a promise. I go to work for me and my family. If it we are to work away our days for a living, then I will live that work my way. I'm going to take the opportunity to learn something new every day, To sweat under the sun and feel the earth at my fingertips.   I am going to do my very best, to stay positive on even the toughest days. For myself, because I deserve it.  Atleast - in this moment, I do.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Wash Away

I feel okay today. Which makes me wonder; what is going to happen next? The sun is shining so brightly, the snow is melting, the birds are chirping... Something must be brewing. If I don't start work tomorrow, it might be a day for a cleaning spree. I want to stay busy.  I have been feeling pretty good the last few days actually, apart from one minor thing. I don't one why, but I can't drink anymore - I last like two drinks, get bored, go to bed. Somehow I always blame everyone else for not keeping the excitment going. In my own head mind you, I'm not one to start a fight about dumb things like that, instead I just let it sour my mood. I have a theory that it's for the best, if I ever do manage to get drunk I black out 100% now so, maybe it's just my body stopping me from getting into trouble, I just wish I could control my petty emotions, and get over the things that don't matter. But really, I've been okay the last couple of days. I haven't been lost within myself, it's been a nice break. Like the darkness just washed away with the final days of winter. I bought one of those bath bombs - the ones with a ring inside. Something to look forward to, I hope it doesn't take long to be delivered. I can't wait to go back to work ... I want to feel the dirt in my hands and the sweat on my brow again.   Plus I really need to lose weight. I had three months off, and gained instead of shed. I'm horrible at sticking to my guns, and to be honest, it's hard when the hubby still eats crazy amounts of junk; the only thing I could ever say he doesn't support me in, is my health. But that's not in him, I'm a grown up. Hopefully with work, I won't have the time to eat so much. As shallow as it probably is; I want to be able to show off my new tattoos this summer with confidence. Wish me luck, ha.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Ocean Cold & Dark

I am so completely, absolutely worn down. I can't take these mood changes, it's too hard; waiting for the next wave. I'm buried at the shore, waiting for the tide to come in. Wishing it would swallow me whole.    I just want to be level.   I have no control, and I am afraid.   My soul needs rest. My mind needs peace. My heart needs release.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

It's A Shame

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I've come to hate the word. Nearly as much as I hate myself. Now that's saying something.   It becomes me; for the weakest of reasons. I feel it sink down into my stomach as the word forms on my lips; a heavy drop followed by a flip or two. My head bows with the weight. Worthless?   I am sorry. I'm not apologizing. I. AM. Sorry. Sorry is me. What a freaking waste. I AM SICK OF WHO I AM Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick.    

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Take Me

I have always been drawn to this fantasy; a shadowy figure coming to take me away. A dark yet warm embrace carrying me to some place better. Taking me from this place I've known, keeping me somewhere safe. Whispering promises that never come to light. First when I was young, I thought it would be love to take me. That some how living happily ever after would actually be a real thing. As I grew, I thought perhaps some stranger who knew more than me would embrace and consume me. Take me to where there was meaning and purpose. But there is no mysterious stranger to which I belong, and love has not taken me as far away as I have hoped.  I'm still waiting on the edge; and I can feel it. This fantasy, this dream. Breathing behind me like wings ready to take flight. I can only hope to be found before I soar.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Alone In The Dark (revised)

I wish someone could flick a switch, and know me inside and out. I can't find the line between the things I have seen and done and how they affect me, and who I truly am, beyond all that. I've been trying for so long to find myself, I never stopped to think that this is all I am. I am left in the dark, begging for guidance.   Previous entry removed ; mostly out of shame. I apologize.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Here I Am

With each deep breath I am reaching out, reaching up for someone or something to know me. The world goes on. My heart races at the hints of light, when the shadows of life relax; allowing for the hint of hope to break through. Here I sink; Begging with all I have to find hope, to see past the darkness ahead - dancing across my world like smoke. Here I wait, To break through from the undergrowth. To stand up in the light and finally know for sure, Here I am.    

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

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