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About this blog

Although I sit quiet and unmoved, in a shroud of darkness that comes from somewhere within - my heart is forever calling out for the freeing depths of the wild.

This blog will serve as a collection of sorts; things I can no longer hold onto by myself.

I hope that those of you who do decide to read these entries can take something away from them, even if it's just knowing that someone struggles along with you.

I encourage your comments and input as well, we are all in this together.

Entries in this blog

 

Tick Tock

I used to care. Really, care. Sometimes too much. However, after these last few years - I'm not sure when, exactly - I just don't feel it anymore. Not like I used to. I don't feel that spark in my heart when I should, or that quiver of fear in my gut when I know I should be nervous. I don't feel any sense of urgency when I think about what will come next in my life; what I should be doing to improve within the next month - year - 5 years. I don't even care that I don't care a

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

That's Life, I guess.

I have been absent. I have been lost. My mind hasn't stopped wandering, And I don't know where I am headed next.   But, Im here  so ...

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Alone, Afraid, And Finally Diagnosed

This has been one of the longest weekends of my life. On Saturday, long story short, after having an anxiety attack for nearly 3 hours I made the decision to walk myself over to the nearest emergency room. (I knew when even that 2 hour walk didn' help me) I needed help. I spent the night there, and was transferred to a psychiatric hospital the next afternoon.  It took three days until the psychiatrist actually spoke with me. Three very long, lonely and terrifying days. I coul

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Through The Cave

Goodbye Citalopram,  Hello Prozac. Saw the Doctor again today, and although I have been showing improvements regarding my anxiety and suicidal thoughts after being on citalopram for a little over a month, we are going to try moving on to Prozac. Starting with 10mg for 3 days, continuing with 20mg afterwards (here's hoping that this change will help with the headaches) I'm a little nervous about it but, honestly, not really compared to when I first started this attempt towards reco

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Questions Pouring Out

How will I know when or IF Citalopram is working for me? At what point am I supposed to decide to try something else? I know these things take time, I've been on Cit for just a little over 4 weeks now. Last visit with my Doctor she assured me that if the headaches get worse I can try another medication; she believes we are in the right category for treatment.. But I would have to ween off the Cit before trying something else? How long would that take... Its scary to think about st

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

The Slowest of Crawls

Another week has gone by; I feel as though I barely noticed it was December and now it's almost Christmas. Not that I'm celebrating this year. It's to weird here.. This isn't "home" anymore - it hasn't been since getting in that big fight with my grandmother (my s/o and I live in the basement) I havent spoken with my grandmother in almost 3 months now. Seems silly but just having to go upstairs to use the washroom stresses me out enough now ; having to walk by her after the things she said

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Those Climbing Steps

I had a doctors appointment today, for the first time in nearly 10 years.   I talked willingly about my mental health with a professional for the first time in my entire life.   For the last month I have been a mess; terrified that todays appointment would be strictly a meet and greet; that I wouldnt have a chance to discuss the issues I have been struggling with.   I can't explain just how relieved I was when she didn't shrug me off.  

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Get It Out

My heart desperately reaches, Grasping foolishly at fractions, Each beat and I'm crumbling to pieces. Hope is for the future, My mind can't see past this traction, Some sick sense of humour. Words cannot connect, Like beats without the captions, I'm unable to correct. Life choices based on reacting, Who am I without honest actions? My own mind retracting. I don't feel like a person, A shell - offering bitter transactions, My H

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Reaching From The Deep

"I pray that when I die, I am forgotten swiftly. If not forgotten, I pray they hold it against me." I had this habit of waiting for things to get really bad, then I would sign back on here and start to write out desperate please; for the most part Id stop once I saw how desperate I really was - shaking my head at the thought of what I was doing - disappointed in myself for trying to put my negativity out into the world. The words above, in quotations were left from months ago. Usu

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Inhale & Hold

Well...   Im still here. I tried to delete my account (inquired about it I should say)  I told myself that coming on here wasnt good for me. That it was just making me think more deeply, or whatever. There were a couple of times where I had logged in, started a post and just deleted it. That voicr, the one we are meant to tell screw off - it beats me down. To the point that Ive convinced myself that reaching out does nothing. But here I am again. With nowhere else t

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

You're the boss?

Im not a dog, or a slave, or some f***ing object put on this earth to be used up until im nothing. Im a human being, and I have a ******* voice. Im not silent in the background waiting to be commanded. And then ignored when Im no longer useful in your eyes. Im a grown woman, and I expect to be treated as one.  If you can't run your business efficiently, and take it out on your employees, acting like a spoiled brat when things dont go your way ( or when you dont explain yourself pr

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Sinking

It's pulling me in every day - little by little, I'm more than done for. There's a solemn satisfaction in this loneliness, Grasping at my core. I can't wait for the sweet release, When death comes knocking at my door. To give in would be the easiest thing I've ever done, Who could ask for more?   I'm more than done for.  

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Always & Forever

I made it through the day - and it was a good day. It really was a decent first day back to work. The sun was warm for the majority of the day, and my arms are covered in scratches from taking down christmas lights. I'll take tree branch scratches over scratches from the thorn riddled roses - for now. I still broke down into tears when I got home to my fiance (let's just say B from now on)   It was longer than I expected - I think that was my downfall. Over the last coup

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

A Promise

I know what to expect this time. I know that hard work pays off, and the time for rest does come. Days may be long, and hard, but tomorrow still brings anew. I want to take this moment, really sit here and think as it slowly passes, To make a promise. I go to work for me and my family. If it we are to work away our days for a living, then I will live that work my way. I'm going to take the opportunity to learn something new every day, To sweat under the su

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Wash Away

I feel okay today. Which makes me wonder; what is going to happen next? The sun is shining so brightly, the snow is melting, the birds are chirping... Something must be brewing. If I don't start work tomorrow, it might be a day for a cleaning spree. I want to stay busy.  I have been feeling pretty good the last few days actually, apart from one minor thing. I don't one why, but I can't drink anymore - I last like two drinks, get bored, go to bed. Somehow I always blame everyo

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Ocean Cold & Dark

I am so completely, absolutely worn down. I can't take these mood changes, it's too hard; waiting for the next wave. I'm buried at the shore, waiting for the tide to come in. Wishing it would swallow me whole.    I just want to be level.   I have no control, and I am afraid.   My soul needs rest. My mind needs peace. My heart needs release.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

It's A Shame

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I've come to hate the word. Nearly as much as I hate myself. Now that's saying something.   It becomes me; for the weakest of reasons. I feel it sink down into my stomach as the word forms on my lips; a heavy drop followed by a flip or two. My head bows with the weight. Worthless?   I am sorry. I'm not apologizing. I. AM. Sorry. Sorry is me. What a freaking waste. I AM SICK OF WHO I

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Take Me

I have always been drawn to this fantasy; a shadowy figure coming to take me away. A dark yet warm embrace carrying me to some place better. Taking me from this place I've known, keeping me somewhere safe. Whispering promises that never come to light. First when I was young, I thought it would be love to take me. That some how living happily ever after would actually be a real thing. As I grew, I thought perhaps some stranger who knew more than me would embrace and consume me. Tak

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Alone In The Dark (revised)

I wish someone could flick a switch, and know me inside and out. I can't find the line between the things I have seen and done and how they affect me, and who I truly am, beyond all that. I've been trying for so long to find myself, I never stopped to think that this is all I am. I am left in the dark, begging for guidance.   Previous entry removed ; mostly out of shame. I apologize.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Here I Am

With each deep breath I am reaching out, reaching up for someone or something to know me. The world goes on. My heart races at the hints of light, when the shadows of life relax; allowing for the hint of hope to break through. Here I sink; Begging with all I have to find hope, to see past the darkness ahead - dancing across my world like smoke. Here I wait, To break through from the undergrowth. To stand up in the light and finally know for sure, Here I am.

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

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