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Entries in this blog

No One Cares?

I feel this all the time. I reach for solitude. Feel relief. Then grief. When no one reaches out.  But why should I when I sought solitude all along? When I want to be away from people. And want to be alone. Why condemn people for doing as I ask? Not that I deserve anyone's love. Or care. I'm a bad friend anyways.  But no one understands me.  and I wish I had someone to talk to that could.    

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Sad

I won't end myself I won't end myself I won't end myself I won't end myself I won't end myself I won't end myself I can't end my life I can't end my life I can't end my life I can't end my life I have to stay alive I have to stay alive I have to stay alive I have to stay alive I have to stay alive But why?

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

I'm so unhappy.

I don't know what happened. Maybe I have been ignoring or pretending the feelings don't exist. But today I broke down. I have been feeling alone for many days and today I just couldn't cope. I'm so tired. I have no energy. All I do is eat cause that's the only thing that makes me feel okay. I wanted to go outside for a walk today but I didn't. I just stared outside like I was trapped. But I wasn't. I was free to go outside I just couldn't. The thought made me exaushted e

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Back down again....

We moved. Things seemed fine. I thought we were bonding after all we've been through this summer. And then she reverted to her old ways. And we got into a screaming match. She refuses to acknowledge or apologize for the hurtful things she said. Complains I don't act my age yet she insults me like i'm not anything.  Her anger triggers me. And I'm reminded of my dad. And I clam up unable to vocalize without bursting to tears. Unable to express what

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

The oldest/firstborn holds the weight

Everyday my mom comes home from work is a surprise. I have begun to have horrible anxiety about it. I worry "Will she be angry today?" "Will she be stressed today?" Her moods affect my own. When she comes home with a negative attitude that makes me feel worse-if I was already struggling that day. And if I felt somewhat okay then all that will go away.  I know she is under immense stress. I know. It pains me. She is struggling so much. She will often vent to me. But what frustrates

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Breaking Down...again.

And so I welcome another relapse into the misery and pain.  Today triggered I caved in. A month that has been so stressful. I was scammed for $340. Found out we have to move by the end of the month. We have nowhere to go.  And the court case. My chest feels like it will explode. I have been crying all day.  Can't seem to stop. I hate my life so much. There is no hope for it. I will always be in this struggle. Always struggling.  Th

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Ever envy the dead?

I do. The dead don't have to live. They don't have to experience pain anymore. They don't have to cry. They don't have to feel the depression inside. They don't have struggle. The dead are free. I long for freedom. I am always feeling trapped.  I long to be free. Life is stifling.  Death is freedom.  I envy the dead. I understand why those decide suicide.  IT HURTS. It hurts SO MUCH to live. To live like this. It is

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Running Away

I am sitting outside on my break at work trying desperately to soak in the rays from the sun, hoping it will energize me. Give me a sense of hope.  All I can think of is running. Taking the bit of money I have, grabbing a bus ticket and getting the hell away from here-not ever looking back. I dislike where I live. I think part of my depression is enviromental...but whose to say if I ran away i'd end up in a new location with the same depressed feelings?  Some days I can not tell if it

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Fall

Today I hit a lowpoint.  I woke up to a dark sky in the morning. Cold weather and a sky that remained dark and cloudy throughout the day. I went to work. I faked it hard. I got home and fell to the ground in tears. I am in so much pain right now. I am under so much stress. It won't stop raining and there has been no sun for 4 days.  Despite the weather this was a long time coming. I saw the signs. My withdrawal from people, this site, my moodiness, my anxiety...and here I fin

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Boyfriend is blatantly avoiding discussing...sexual trauma.

With my boyfriend, a seemingly normal talk about sex made me think of my father again and before you know it, anxiety bubbled up in my stomach and I became triggered. Did not share with him whilst I was being triggered. I tried to brush it off.  That is my own fault and somehow I thought I had a right to be angry at him and he had no idea what he did.  I ignored his phone call and a few IM'S, not on purpose, just lost in pain and when I tried to talk to him he said I was arguing. I was only tryi

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Irritability.

I chose this topic because that is what I currently am. IRRITATED.    I'm irritated at  my job where everyone is fake and pretends to care about you but then talks absolute behind your back.  On top of all the fakeness that has been going around, everyone has had their hours cut. I am on 16hrs a week right now. 16. What the **** can I do with 16 hours at my pay rate? NOTHING. My phone is off cause I had to spend my last paycheck on groceries for the house! I can't even afford to pay my phon

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Counseling Pt 1.

Since the last time I posted about seeing a counselor, I have no seen her since.  I have had to keep canceling because I have had no money to catch an Uber or Lyft to the center, as well as no money to pay her.  She said if I can't pay her all the time, that is fine and the center is run by volunteers so it is more like a "Donation" but somehow that makes me feel worse. I can't allow someone to sit and listen to me cry about my life for an hour and a half and not pay them. I don't know. I won't

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Single in Springtime

Spring is my favorite time of the year. It's breathtakingly beautiful, there is so much greenery, growth and a sense of newness.  The animals start the mating season and you see baby birds, ducks, squirrels...tons of babies. Tons of animals getting together. Its no different from Humans, seeing as we are a form of Animal as well. It is now Spring and I see so many people announcing engagements, and weddings and having baby showers. Spring is the most common season for weddings.  It's terribly de

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

A True Friend

I want more than anything a friend that I can call, message or text at any moment and let know that I am feeling down and they will support me. I have no friends that I can do that with right now.   I have no friends that will come to my house and sit with me while I cry. I have no friends I feel comfortable enough crying to.  I think about what has happened to me in life and scoff at the idea of sharing that with someone. In the past people have looked upon me with pity, disbelief and awkwardne

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

By 30...

Since 21 years of age I have said to myself that if I turn 30 and I am still not happy then I will **** myself. I figure if at the 30 year mark its not better, then it will never get better for me.  I am now 28 and my life is far more worse then it was when I was 21 years old. At 21 I was in college, I had goals and ambition and I was miserable but still making a future for myself.  At 28 I still haven't achieved anything, I dropped out of college a few years ago, I have no real friends. I'm lon

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Just Sad

I am just really sad. I am so frustrated with myself.  I was happier earlier. Or at least I thought I was. Now I just sit and replay all the stuff I said that I thought I shouldn't have. Replay all the things I did I felt made me look stupid. Regret all these things I've done. Overthink and overthink.  "Oh I shouldn't have said that, now they'll think me stupid." "Oh they probably won't want to hang out with me anymore..." "They probably didn't even have fun. I am not fun." "

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Started Counseling This Week...uhhhh

My counselor is a student. She is studying to become a counselor. I don't know if she has enough experience to help me. I have only seen her once so far but I think that my issues are just too much for what she knows. She told me if she felt she could not help me that she would seek advice from the Psychologist she is studying under for her Masters but I just don't know. All she literally did was repeat back what I said, and halfway through our session I started becoming annoyed with her because

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

I AM SO LONELY. OH GOD HOW LONELY AM I...

There is no cure for Depression and mine is so severe that I doubt it will ever go away. I have been this way for so long. I am 28 years old. I have been depressed since I was a child.  I am so accustomed to thinking how Depression wants me to. It is very hard to change. How much more of life do I have to live? A LOT.  That means I have A LOT more years of living with Depression.  It is hard to open up to people because most people are not understanding of Depression. They have so many misc

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Support Group...I missed out again.

For the past two weeks I have been trying to attend a Depression and Anxiety Support Group. I found it through Meetup.com in late January. I couldn't make the meeting last week because of crap that came up with my family.  This week I could have gone but I was so depressed, plus I had my period, plus I was just terrified at the thought of going to this place and having to share a bit of my story to all these strangers face to face. What would I say to them?  What would they think of me? I felt I

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Mistakes

I hate making mistakes. Especially at work. Mostly at work. Today I almost burst into tears for making a mistake. No one was even upset about it but for some reason I was and I just felt so embarrassed and kinda dumb. A few days ago I made a mistake and the rest of my shift was complete hell after that because I could not refocus myself.  I don't like looking stupid in front of people and I am always worried people are judging me. When I make a mistake I feel like they are laughing at me. Someti

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

KPOP is CHEERING!

Music is a great way to deal with depression.  KPOP has been especially helpful in my journey. The music videos are always super bright , fun and cute!   Most of the music is fun and upbeat! It's hard to stay sad when you see such cute stuff.  I have been a fan of KPOP for 11 years now.  Michael Jackson music has also helped me.  Evanescence Within Tempation Linkin Park Emilie Autumn So many talented people and they all made music that helped this here gir

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Crush on Coworker

Crushes are already freaking annoying.  It seem's 10x worst when you suffer from paranoid thoughts , depression and anxiety.  It's even worse that I have to work with him.  I don't know what to do about this situation. We have been friends for two years through work. I think he likes me but his situation is not right. He has two children and still seem's to be interested in fixing things with his ex.  Unfortunately, we have undeniable chemistry and it's addictive.  I think we

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

Anxiety At Work...

I have the pleasure of working at a local grocery store...and I can definitely say it has made my anxiety worst.  It requires so much multi-tasking ability which I can do but the anxiety I get before a shift is horrible! I have to keep up a conversation with the customers while I scan all their groceries and sometimes its A LOT.  So you have this length of time where the customer is just standing there watching you scan their food and I'm looking down trying to keep attention to what I'm doing b

VictorianGoth

VictorianGoth

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