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Hell

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About this blog

Ramblings in the underworld

Entries in this blog

 

A way out

Death is the way out of the pointless, empty dead end lifeI lead.  Death will end the hopeless, clueless, stupid non- person I am. Death will put a stop to the futilty of efforts to change myself and circumstances. Death, I welcome you.

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

A life wasted

Growing old is a pain. Literally. Behind me a wasted youth. What’s the fuc king point.

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Nothing will pull me out

..and why should it? This is it. Me. Behind me a ****ed up future and ahead of me more pain, misery and death. I'd rather just jump to the end but you all know that by now. I'm finished. I've done all the right things. Self-help, exercise, therapy (therapy is doomed to fail whenever it treats mental health issues as just an aberration of thought patterns or chemical imbalance..whatever is wrong with you will allways come back unless you are given the means to change not just yourself but mo

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

I hate myself..

..For gaining weight. I now weigh 200 pounds When just a year ago I weighed 182 pounds. ..for having to use medication for sleep. Without it I don’t sleep at all. It also contributes to my weight gain. ..I hate myself for this life-long insomnia.  ..for not being able to do as much calisthenics and running as I need to. Too many tendon issues the doctors are at a loss with. .. for not being able to be a better version of myself. Someone I would like to be. Not that I even kno

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

I want oblivion

After seeing the therapist yesterday I realized I will do it one day soon. End my life.  I'm too much of a coward now, but something has broken more within, the void is emptier than ever. I'm a fcuk up, loser and a defective person. No point staying around. I hate myself. I want to hurt myself and I do. I am full of anger and hatred. People like me should never exist. I despise humanity, it's callousness and stupidity. We are doomed.  Never getting out of hell. It's all there

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Morituri te salutant

..is what the some criminals  supposedly said to say to the roman Emporor Claudius as he apparently forced them into a sham naval battle. The bloodthirst of the roman populace is notorius. Nothing seems to have changed. We still want retribution and each other's death. I'm tired of the violence in the world. I'm tired of the bloodthirst and feelings of malevolence all around. I'm tired of the way we treat each other and the world in general. I hate the thoughts I have about it all. I'm no b

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Hate and apathy

I despise myself so much it's crazy. I do stuff. I've done stuff. I've "lived". But it's all been unsatisfactory and inauthentic. Not that I'd know authenticity if it hit me over the head.  I'm stuck in the same deadness I've felt ever since I started thinking for myself. I've been constantly irritable and disinterested in life for as long as I remember. Cynical, nihilistic, pessimistic. My attributes. No drive, skills, ambition, interests.. Never had dreams or aspirations. I just plod

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Das Ende

Hell is a hopeless, lifeless life and not having the courage to end it.  I Intend to be gone by the end of the year. This piece of shi t I am is an exercise in futility and failure.  Somehow I am going to get the courage to end this pointless life.I'm done with coping and faking.  I've ****ing had it.

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

No value

I don't believe that life must continue at any cost. I don't believe it has intrinsic value. It is up to ourselves to give it whatever value we can.  If one's experience of life is a series of disappointments, faliures and disinterest in anything who can truly say it is wrong to think that way? Why is the view where life is full of potential any better when in fact everything in ones life points in the entirely opposite direction? Why is thinking positively more justified than thinking

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Decsent into..

"Another hungover morning in the bottom of the Black Lagoon Purgatory disguised as a room with a view I used to be in heaven looking down... now I know the inferno from the inside And you can't see out them windows And smoke gets in your eyes And eyes just wanna cry cry cry cry cry cry cry... An obscene sprawling landscape of NOTHING And NOTHING is its middle name Meet you on the corner of Nothing and Nowhere... where in hell is that? So flat you can't see ten feet in front

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Myself

"Hell isn't other people. Hell is yourself." Ludvig Wittgenstein

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Bound for Hell

Well, faith flies off the mountain everyday No parachute, and no crash to see Yes, my faith flies off a mountain everyday And there's no parachute, no ******* crash to see Fly the little monkey up a telegraph pole Sending out a signal to somebody, somebody Somebody, please somebody I want to hear a song that makes me believe in something I want to hear a song that makes me believe something I want to hear a song that makes me believe There's something to believe in I want

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Deeper in the chasm

I hate being me. I hate the fact I accomplish nothing. My ineptitude to find a meaning for this inadequacy I call myself. My failure in finding out who I am. My failures in general (and before you say "but surely you should acknowledge your successes"  I'll say they were few and didn't really mean anything to me). My future is a black mass of nothingness. My past is a waste. Life has been wasted on me. If there was a way to end my life so it would seem an accident, I'd do so (if I

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Hiding it all

Is it possible to hide your pain? Is it posible to hide the hatred, rage, self-harm, emptiness and nihilism behind smiles, platitudes and pleasantries? To the extent that not even the nearest and dearest have a clue? I'm lving proof it is. I internalize EVERYTHING. in my whacked cycles of mixed featured mania/depression, in my bpd-esque insecurities I keep it all to myself and sometimes it all comes out when I'm alone. I break stuff and sometimes myself in blitz-attacks of anger and self-bl

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

We all live in hell

I do anyhow. How can we even exist. All the bad we do to each other..This fuxxuppery we call civilization.  I just read something too horrific to relate here. Trigger stuff. Really bad stuff. I try to avoid the news..Nothing good.on there EVER. But I always see something..something that makes me realize even more we are all fuxxed. Why can't we leave the kids alone at least. Holy fuxx we deserve to die all of us. Hell is here. Hell is now. God I can't live on this planet

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Sinking deeper

My life feels pointless to me. I have no acheivments and all i know is I don't want to be..well..me. But I don't know who I want to be or what I want to do. Bottom line: I don't know who I am. This "thing" called "me" just gets older, angrier and loathing itself more as the days pass. I' m a a loser and a failure. People don't see the real me. I'm an introvert and I keep my inner world to myself. I also have trust issues and for a good reason. No one realizes the constant HATRED and anger I

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Hell is being me

Nothing is working. I'm having difficulty controling myself. Just this morning I broke yet another mobile phone in rage and thought of just ending this pathetic existence once and for all. I am a complete loser, failure and I don't see any change in sight. Other than making me put on weight, the meds I'm on are doing nothing at all as my moodswings are as violent and unpredictable and my anger is more intense. I'm not sleeping as well anymore either, despite the meds I'm on(I've suffered from in

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Hell is constant repetiton

So all of this is stuff I've written before. It would appear I have nothing novel to say.. So here it all is again. I posted this also elsewhere on df. I'm in a job I hate and in a life I have no interest in. I turned 50 a few months ago and feel this is all I'll ever have. I have no idea what I want from life or even who the hell I am. I've failed in just about everything I've put my mind to. I live in Northern Europe and age discrimination is a reality here. The job situation seems t

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Angry, bitter and defeated

I've been in constant pain for at least 7 years. Before that there was always something wrong that took weeks if not months to heal. Muscle and/or tendon related. Apparently I'm "just prone to these things". Doc's words by the way. It's eating me. I can't do anything I like anymore. Yes, stuff i'd like to do actualy exists. There will be no martial arts, running, no calisthenics. Neither will there be swimming, though truth be told I only like swimming in lakes ands seas. I can't stand swim

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

sefl hatred and nacsent psychosis (this entry is totally whacked)

Self hatred So much of it. So much anger and rage. i feel it bubbling within. the futility I call my life. My shortcomings that have brought me to this pitiful existence. I keep thinking of ending my life. I just see no point in continuing. I don't like anything. Nothing seems worth fighting for. Oh , did I mention I hate myself? Haha. I 've never had much self esteem. It's nothing my parents did or didn't do. Most likely it's peer- and/or environment-induced . When you are constantly

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

The Secrets

Whitehouse: Ki lling hurts give you the secrets     DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU SOMETIMES THINK AGAIN THAT THERE ARE SOME DESPITE HAVING EVERYTHING JUST FEEL LONELY AND EMPTY AND SEVERELY LACKING I THINK IT'S REALLY A COMMON THING LIKE MANY GO ON LIVING FROM ONE FUC KING DAY TO THE NEXT PITS OF DESPAIR, HELLS OF LONELINESS SQUALID 2 THOUSAND FUC KING MILE STARES ****ING HEADBANGING SCUM WITH SOME FOUL REMNANT TASTE OF PASSERS-BY WITH FEELING SOME LAME PASSING TASTE O

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Boxhead

I can't wash this blood off my hands I can't get the scum outta my soul I can't scrape this stain off my brain And I can't get this box off my head   Foetus Boxhead   I can't get this box off my head. I.don't know.what to do anymore.

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Self-hatred

Self-loathing. Dissatisfaction. Not knowing who I really am. Anger, short-temperedness, attention issues and insomnia. Oh, and I feel uncomfortable around people most times. But I feel uncomfortable around myself most of all. I've been like this most of my life. No one knows what's "wrong" with me. I've failed in just about everything I've tried to do to get out of this hell I'm in. I have no lasting interests or have  passions or hobbies that enthrall me. Pdocs..bipolar? BPD? Both? I don't

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Angra Mainyu

Angra Mainyu, the personification of evil in the Zoroastrian tradition, "angry mind".  Me. Well, the angry mind part. Haha. I'm not that delusional. Not yet. I've been on a downward spiral for over two years now. Before that my life had been a zombifiied version of life. I realized nothing I experienced felt truly authentic. I've suffered from insomnia, racing thoughts, non-existent self-esteem and self-hate most of my life. My moods change like the wind. I can feel and think pretty much eve

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

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