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About this blog

‘If you’re going to complain about being upset or triggered by a blog you sought out, do a better job of managing yourself.’

Entries in this blog

 

Dilemmas

Slowly starting to get back to things.  I'm really struggling right now with some issues, and trying to work up the courage to schedule myself for a new psychologist and psychiatrist.  It just never seem to happen. And I am realizing certain things/issues are/have been a hindrance in my life.  I am/have been approaching a choice/change, and I need to decide what I want to do.  That is difficult when I struggle with what I am struggling with.  I have had two choices (work related) before me
 

Hard Times...

This is likely to be pretty triggering, so if you are struggling with reasons to still be here, you might want to skip this one.... > > > > >     I find quite a lot the last several years that I am questioning the purpose of me.  What is the purpose of me?  Why am I still here?  To survive?  That only works in the short term.  Beyond the short term, there needs to be something else - otherwise you get like me, and look back on most of three
 

Struggling Again....

I am really struggling again.  I wonder how much of it is hormonal.  I haven't taken my Welbutrin in several weeks - and it's actually been months since I took it regularly.  I started to feel like it was making me crazy.... It's hard to describe. About 12-14 hours after I take it, I can feel the weirdness flowing through me.  I become so easily triggered into anger it's stupid.  I fall into looping repetitive thought really easily, about anything.  I feel this odd tension flowing through me tha
 

Trying not to panic....

Struggling with panic again, since yesterday... really, since Monday afternoon.  About going back to work today. I have had two huge reports due - one the 1st and one tomorrow. I got one done early and turned in, and the other one I had to leave for someone to look over. Then I went on vacay, but I did leave written 'proofs' and explanations of what I did.  So now it's back to the grindstone, and feeling like the other shoe is about to drop. I keep wondering to myself why I am still there. Why h
 

Reaching Out...

I am struggling with reaching out for a new therapist. Mine went on an extended 'leave of absence' over a year ago. So its been closer to two years since I last talked to a therapist. I'm finding that it is getting harder and harder to tolerate these feelings of disconnect.  So often, for so much of my life, I feel like my life is not real - like I am not real. So much of the time I feel like I am in a me-shaped suit wandering through a 3D hologram of my life.  I've felt that way for most of my
 

Anxiety

July 12 - My anxiety has been pretty bad this month because I have a couple of reports due - one due August 1st, the other due August 15th.  They are both a pretty big deal - the one due the 15th is actually a report over the whole library - expenses, statistics, etc.  Anyway...  When my anxiety gets bad, I tend to procrastinate.  Mainly because I do not get much relief, if any at all, from working on whatever is causing my anxiety.  I just feel intensely sick and terrified the entire
 

And Then It Hit Me....

I have to share something that really struck me the other day.  I'm still processing it, in fact.  To preface, though, I have struggled my entire life with feeling disconnected from myself, my family, and my environment.  Off and on, since I was young enough to have memories. I would say that it was worse when I was younger, but I think I have just learned how to live with it over the years.  And to a certain extent, I think this quote doesn't always fit, or doesn't fit every aspect
 

Gallows Humor....

Gallows humor today, in honor of Monday in all its cursed glory.  Once more on the treadmill we go.  This meme is almost too true to be funny; I literally cannot get to sleep at night until I come to terms with the fact that I will wake up in the morning - with no money to do anything that brings me joy despite full time job responsibilities that put me around people 8 hours a day five days a week ad nauseum.  I love what I do - if I could do it in the complete absence of people, my job would be
 

I Am So Tired....

I am unbelievably and unspeakably tired.  I think part of it is an effect of the Atarax that helps with my anxiety.  I still have noticeable undercurrents of anxiety, but I'm trying to steer my mind away from them.  Like a ship at sea, trying to steer around the rocky shore. But in the meantime, I am so horribly tired.  I need to get back to taking my nightly Atarax earlier - like by 830, and getting back to the bedroom by 930 so I can start winding down.  My problem is usually that I can't seem
 

This will be short....

I need to preface this by saying that my doc (GP to you Brits) has me on Atarax (28mg, 3-4 x daily) and Bupropion (just upped to SR 300mg daily).  I started the new dose of Bupropion barely a week ago. He told me he thought the Atarax would help mitigate the effects I had trouble with last time (about 5-7 years ago).  I told doc back then about the problems I was having but wound up pulling myself off of it due to the problems being far more severe when I hit 300mg &+ than what I let on. 
 

The Flip Side of Stoicism.... For Me, Anyway

I thought that since I went on and on and on about stoicism, I might put in something about the downside of it.  In my personality, at least.  Not sure how much this crosses demographic categories... A.)  I am 'hard to know'.  That's a quote, from more than one person.  I guess I am innately a very intensely private person.  I am someone you can work with for five years and still not know my middle name or where I was born or what my favorite color is.  It's not intentional by any means- It
 

On Being a Stoic....

In one of my blog entries a few days ago, I referred to being a stoic.  I never knew that about myself until I stumbled across the definition.  It's not really something I've deliberately chosen.  It's more of an outgrowth of who I am, if that makes sense.  I've asked one or two atheists here how they came to atheism, and I got pretty much that answer for one or two of them - it was not so much a deliberate decision, but a result of them being them.  So for me, stoicism is more of a character tr
 

Getting to Know You (Anxiety)...

Like the song goes - 'getting to know you / getting to know all about you'.  How can I live with something for basically all my life and not know it for most of it?  I've always thought I was a fairly self-aware type of person.  When I look back, I realize much of my behavior was rooted in anxiety.  I really haven't been able to do anything with my life - I've managed to mess up the most important things, my kids.  I didn't teach my youngest what she needs to know, and as a result she struggles
 

I'm a Little Bit 'I Don't Know' Today....

I'm a little bit on a seesaw today.  Thought I would call in sick earlier, the cramps were so bad.  Yeah, thanks mother nature - not.  Bitch.  Anyway, I am here and going forward with my day, but with reservations.  It's been warm here - pleasantly in the 70s and 80s.  Today, the high is 59 and it. is. windy.  The wind just sort of cuts right through you.  But I'll be missing it in July and August when temps are regularly above 105F and you can almost fry an egg on the dashboard of your ca
 

Skewed Vantage Points...

It's taken me quite a long time - an embarrassingly long time, in fact - to realize that my point of view is radically skewed.  I was just reading the first few pages of one of my kid's college English papers, and I stopped a couple pages in.  It's about a trip we took to see the Eclipse back in 2017.  It was a big trip for us.  I stopped reading because all I remember about that trip is what I didn't do, or what I messed up.  Most  positive memories don't linger for me, which is probably why I
 

Been Awhile, Weather, Oh & a Small Rant

I didn't realize it's been so long since I put up a blog post - Feb 4th is the date of my last one.  Wow.  Time flies, eh?  We got out of work early yesterday for snow - by the time I got out to my car, there was actually about 4" on it.  If you're from one of the northern US states, or Canada even, don't laugh too hard at me... We Midwesterners don't know what to do with snow, LOL.  Bake us to death at over 110F and we're in our element; change the weather on a daily basis from 32F highs t
 

Life, Work, and Writing....

You know, it occurs to me that I do not have a very good work - life balance. And my saying that should be taken as a massive understatement probably.  I have no life outside of work.  I can't afford one - we only have basic bills, we can't pare anything down anymore. No safety net (ie savings or credit cards)... it's hard to try to have a life when you cannot afford to leave the house, you know?  I guess, now that I think about it, there are things I could do.  I've tried crocheting recent
 

Positive Power of Persistence...

I will have you know that blathering on here is part of what finally got me up and around - well, after I took my shower.  It took me just over twenty minutes of first moving out to the sofa, then laying there on the sofa convincing myself I wanted to take a shower.  Should have taken one yesterday like a good little civilized human being, but that's another blog post. So I'm laying there trying to convince myself not to wait until this evening, which is code for 'it will not happen today'.  I k
 

A Poem Or Two...

I've been GIMPing this afternoon.  Playing around with images (free ones off the internet) and some of my favorite poems. Here are a couple of them... The Taxi by Amy Lowell makes me think of hubby dearest, every morning when I go to work....    Landscape With the Fall of Icarus by William Carlos Williams...   when god lets my body be by ee cummings  (one of my all-time favorites)  
 

Frodo and Samwise

This might get a little dark, but don't lose hope...... > > I can't seem to get a grip on anything.  It all feels so far away, and yet it makes me panic just thinking about it.  Does that make any sense whatsoever?  I keep wondering why I'm trying. I feel like I'm trying really hard, but if you looked at me, you wouldn't see it.  I'm not running around like a chicken trying to accomplish everything. Actually, I've given up on accomplishing anything.  I feel like just be
 

Failure & Other Things I Do Alot....

I think I fell through a time warp yesterday..... Am I the only one who has those pop up randomly?  Somehow I didn't get much done except reading and messing around online.                       I didn't even look at reports and stuff from here that really need attention.  And, I didn't go walking either.  So my first week of having to walk three days a week, and I failed. I'm wondering if I need to revise my schedule back some.  It's so hard to make myself do thing
 

The Anxiety Treadmill.....

Anxiety is back..... I love my mind (read with heavy sarcasm)....   I love how it takes one little mistake and blows it up to Atlantean proportions. (no I haven't see Aquaman, I just thought it sounded good to say it that way) What should be a small little fire burning in the hearth is now blowing half of Mt. St. Helen's off the face of the earth. Apparently I made a mistake at work last week.    I never even realized I made the mistake until my boss pointed it out Monday. Then we went
 

Religion....

I'm going to wax a wee bit opinionated about religion for this one, so if that's not your bag, or if you are really attached to what you believe, this is your cue to leave now..... Still here? Everyone left?  Oh well..... Still typing....

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Crying Buckets....

We binge-watched LOTR Monday and Tuesday.  Yay.  One day I'm going to read the books.  Hey, don't look at me like that, I'll get around to reading them, really I will.  Anyway, I've decided I want to watch the series over again, and this time keep track of all the scenes that sock me in the gut.  Paying attention to what movie scenes really sock it to me often reveals quite a bit about what I'm going through that I don't necessarily want to admit to myself.  Sometimes, though, it's j

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

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