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About this blog

‘If you’re going to complain about being upset or triggered by a blog you sought out, do a better job of managing yourself.’

Entries in this blog

And.... It's Here.

My seasonal holiday blahs were a little late this year.  I was - almost - excited about Christmas. For a while. Now it's back to my usual 'woops, where the hell did that fuckin' pothole to hell come from?!'.           All I can seem to think about is how I have failed my kids. And how I have basically wasted four lives - theirs and mine. I find myself wondering what I did to deserve being put here on this earth? And yes, that is meant to sound like a punishment - because th

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Just A Thing or Two

A post around here mentioned cats, and my response mentioned the perks of being a cat slave.... So I thought I would re-introduce my master, Lily.  Actually, my youngest's master, I'm just the substitute-slave, LOL.  I generally refer to her as 'Princess FuzzyButt'.   The bookcase has since been moved, because cats.  Sometimes cats see a dog outside and freak the eff out and knock the bookcase over, and nearly kill one of my favorite plants. Because cats.  LOL.     So this i

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Employment Upgrades and Missing DF

Hey, all... I doubt there is anyone to read this, but I'll write it anyway. It's always helped to have a place to express certain things around people who really 'get' the issues, instead of just 'mmm-hmm-ing' along.  I haven't been here since August 30 - I didn't intend it that way, of course.  But it's been good in a way, and painful, too in a way.  The good part is that I am now manager of where I am.  My previous boss retired, and I was given that spot in July.  I have had quite

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Weights and Measures

I was just looking at the dates on my last blog entries.... late June!  Wow.  I know my attendance here has been horribly sporadic to non-existent.  And I'm sorry to anyone who may be counting on seeing or hearing from me.  I've missed you guys, but life has ramped up a little, and I am just now getting to a space where I can be here again.  You guys may remember from past blogs that my relationship with my boss has been.... well, painful would be a word for it.  We'll leave it at that.  S

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Ghost in the shell

No, this isn't about the anime.  Sorry.  Love 'em, though.  It does describe how I feel so much of the time when I feel disconnected.  I realized two things this weekend. 1)  My body feels like my environment.  Like I'm a ghost floating freely around the room inside my body.  2)  My environment feels like  a far country, like a distant land.  It is really hard to talk to anyone in that far country. I know how weird that sounds.  I also know there will be someone reading

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Hard to Hang On

Heavy shit, fair warning....       It's hard to hang on when all your reasons are gone because you hurt the only people you really loved, and failed them so tremendously that it feels like at worst they wish you dead and at best they don't want you around.   My kids were always my reason for hanging on and not offing myself, then my spouse when he came along.  I never counted on how much it would Gut Me to really realize that at least one out of three of my kids may actively

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

No words...

No words right now, so here are a few songs.  Not cheerful, sorry. Not really an Avril Lavigne fan, but this really sums it up... https://youtu.be/v686vG5PSac God Bless James Taylor.... https://youtu.be/JOIo4lEpsPY Gojira - Stranded https://youtu.be/FNdC_3LR2AI  

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Sometimes, Love Hurts.

Sometimes, Love Hurts. And sometimes, when we love someone, we may need to let them hurt us.  I think most parents with grown children will 'get' me.  As a parent, you will reach a stage in your child's life, generally some point after they strike out on their own (or semi-on-their-own), where your child begins to work through all the not-so-great decisions you made/did not make in their life.  They will generally decide, at least for a while, that you are the most toxic being on the planet

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

In Which I. Am. Dean. Winchester.

Trigger warning > > > >     Untitled  (Broken?) Gathering up the shattered pieces (when did they break?) gluing carefully but quickly hoping the mask will set in time so no one sees too much (people don't like broken things, do they?)      

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

My Cell Phone Died....

My cell phone died.  I guess more accurately, my smart phone.  Crashed.  Not busted, but I got a virus, and it crashed. I lost EVERYTHING.  😭  🤬  😭 I actually got one of my parents, and all my kids and grandkids in one place at one time (yes, miracle isn't it?), and got photographic proof of it.  I had Google Drive, but I don't remember my settings, and I haven't had the heart to check yet to see if it is, indeed, Gone Forever.  Thanks to my techy hubby, I already have

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Avatars

I'm thinking of changing my avatar. I know, I know... it doesn't sound as absolutely ground shaking as it feels. Strange, huh?  How an image can come to mean so much, have so much history imbued in it. My current avatar is a fanart depiction of the character Mink from the anime version of the game Dramatical Murder. I'm thinking of changing my avatar to a partial pic of my ugly mug. I don't know which is more nerve wracking.... putting part of my ugly mug out there,

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Discipline & Leaning In...

I've been wondering lately if it's possible to 'run out' of discipline in the course of a day, or week, or month, or whatever period of time you care to consider.  I also wonder if I am mistaking the 'shoulds' for discipline...  are they not the same thing, though?  Isn't discipline doing what you should even when - especially when - you don't want to?  Is discipline a resource that never gets exhausted, or does a person reach a point where they feel like their entire life is filled with 's

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

I Don't Know....

I don't know how I feel.   If I think too long about how I feel, my hands start typing all on their own, and I just wind up watching them type the words that pop up on the screen.  If I think too long about how I feel when I brush my teeth, I watch the person in the mirror brush their teeth and hope she remembers to brush her tongue, too.  If I think too long about how I feel when I'm trying to think of the next thing to say, I wonder what the hands on the keyboard will type next.

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

My Mental Attitude..

My mental attitude at the moment can be aptly described thusly: (appropriate nods and obsequious noises here for Berkeley Breathed, noted Genius of the Pen)

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Who Am I?

I was thinking this morning about recognizing myself - or not.  I hate getting ready in the morning, because when I look in the mirror, I feel like I"m putting makeup on a stranger.  I feel no attachment to who I see there. I know from experience that what I see is 'me', but it means absolutely nothing.  So I got to thinking, what does represent me?  What image, avatar, etc do I recognize as 'me' when I look at it?  I thought about my avatar here - Nope.  Not me.  I thoug

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Dilemmas

Slowly starting to get back to things.  I'm really struggling right now with some issues, and trying to work up the courage to schedule myself for a new psychologist and psychiatrist.  It just never seem to happen. And I am realizing certain things/issues are/have been a hindrance in my life.  I am/have been approaching a choice/change, and I need to decide what I want to do.  That is difficult when I struggle with what I am struggling with.  I have had two choices (work related) before me

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Hard Times...

This is likely to be pretty triggering, so if you are struggling with reasons to still be here, you might want to skip this one.... > > > > >     I find quite a lot the last several years that I am questioning the purpose of me.  What is the purpose of me?  Why am I still here?  To survive?  That only works in the short term.  Beyond the short term, there needs to be something else - otherwise you get like me, and look back on most of three

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Struggling Again....

I am really struggling again.  I wonder how much of it is hormonal.  I haven't taken my Welbutrin in several weeks - and it's actually been months since I took it regularly.  I started to feel like it was making me crazy.... It's hard to describe. About 12-14 hours after I take it, I can feel the weirdness flowing through me.  I become so easily triggered into anger it's stupid.  I fall into looping repetitive thought really easily, about anything.  I feel this odd tension flowing through me tha

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Trying not to panic....

Struggling with panic again, since yesterday... really, since Monday afternoon.  About going back to work today. I have had two huge reports due - one the 1st and one tomorrow. I got one done early and turned in, and the other one I had to leave for someone to look over. Then I went on vacay, but I did leave written 'proofs' and explanations of what I did.  So now it's back to the grindstone, and feeling like the other shoe is about to drop. I keep wondering to myself why I am still there. Why h

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Reaching Out...

I am struggling with reaching out for a new therapist. Mine went on an extended 'leave of absence' over a year ago. So its been closer to two years since I last talked to a therapist. I'm finding that it is getting harder and harder to tolerate these feelings of disconnect.  So often, for so much of my life, I feel like my life is not real - like I am not real. So much of the time I feel like I am in a me-shaped suit wandering through a 3D hologram of my life.  I've felt that way for most of my

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Anxiety

July 12 - My anxiety has been pretty bad this month because I have a couple of reports due - one due August 1st, the other due August 15th.  They are both a pretty big deal - the one due the 15th is actually a report over the whole library - expenses, statistics, etc.  Anyway...  When my anxiety gets bad, I tend to procrastinate.  Mainly because I do not get much relief, if any at all, from working on whatever is causing my anxiety.  I just feel intensely sick and terrified the entire

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

And Then It Hit Me....

I have to share something that really struck me the other day.  I'm still processing it, in fact.  To preface, though, I have struggled my entire life with feeling disconnected from myself, my family, and my environment.  Off and on, since I was young enough to have memories. I would say that it was worse when I was younger, but I think I have just learned how to live with it over the years.  And to a certain extent, I think this quote doesn't always fit, or doesn't fit every aspect

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

Gallows Humor....

Gallows humor today, in honor of Monday in all its cursed glory.  Once more on the treadmill we go.  This meme is almost too true to be funny; I literally cannot get to sleep at night until I come to terms with the fact that I will wake up in the morning - with no money to do anything that brings me joy despite full time job responsibilities that put me around people 8 hours a day five days a week ad nauseum.  I love what I do - if I could do it in the complete absence of people, my job would be

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

I Am So Tired....

I am unbelievably and unspeakably tired.  I think part of it is an effect of the Atarax that helps with my anxiety.  I still have noticeable undercurrents of anxiety, but I'm trying to steer my mind away from them.  Like a ship at sea, trying to steer around the rocky shore. But in the meantime, I am so horribly tired.  I need to get back to taking my nightly Atarax earlier - like by 830, and getting back to the bedroom by 930 so I can start winding down.  My problem is usually that I can't seem

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

This will be short....

I need to preface this by saying that my doc (GP to you Brits) has me on Atarax (28mg, 3-4 x daily) and Bupropion (just upped to SR 300mg daily).  I started the new dose of Bupropion barely a week ago. He told me he thought the Atarax would help mitigate the effects I had trouble with last time (about 5-7 years ago).  I told doc back then about the problems I was having but wound up pulling myself off of it due to the problems being far more severe when I hit 300mg &+ than what I let on. 

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

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