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About this blog

One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Entries in this blog

Valium said to me: "I'll take you seriously"

Life's about to get a whole lot more lonely now that my partner is training on the new job. He starts a nine-to-six routine as from Monday; right after Christmas he'll be put on the shift roster. I really need to find a way to fill  the empty, endless hours that stretch ahead without resorting to sleeping. Sleep is my new escape as of late. My Valium supply finished last night; I've been taking it mainly to reduce my bruxism. I somehow managed to stay on just 5mgs daily for two (or maybe th
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Ding dang dong dong ding dang dong dong ding dang

My partner has just poured half a bottle of alcohol down the drain upon my insistence. ****ing slip ups. It all started on Friday when I decided to reach out to an old friend - we'll call her Helen - to catch up. This was a huge feat for me. I know she's been having some relationship troubles and a hard time in general. She has also been one of the few people who knew a priori that I was going to have to take some time off work because I of my mental issues. I've known her for 15 years now
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I need to know I can still make... explosions

I didn't take note of when I checked in last before I started writing this entry but I think it may have been around two to three weeks ago. My sense of time is still skewed. I can't understand how we're at the end of November. My brain still feels like it's stuck in late September when I started to slowly but surely crack.  I'm back at work twice a week, mornings only; I work the rest of the days from home. I'm meant to be employed on a part-time basis but I honestly don't mind putting in
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Images of fascist votes, beam me up 'cause I can't breathe

I needed a couple of days off from DF; I felt like I had nothing to contribute and nothing to say.  Tuesday was a a new low for me, but yesterday I found myself feeling slightly more positive. I think Trump being elected President of the States gave the misanthrope in me something to smile about since the impending apocalypse is probably that much closer now . American politics has officially turned into the greatest reality show of all. I can see "Keeping up with the White House" hitting E
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Everything dies

I was having such a good day on Sunday. I managed a full face of make up before braving the big bad outdoors for lunch with my partner's family.  Yesterday I spent the larger part of the meeting I had to sort out my work hours and duties crying. Colleagues, bosses, even the damn head were understanding and kind and offered words of encouragement (so much for the higher ups ascertaining my condition being kept secret; but I never bought it would have been so I'm not surprised). What I spent
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I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal

It's lunch with partner's family today; or rather his grandfather, the grandfather's wife, his half-brother and the latter's long-term girlfriend. It's an unusual family dynamic if you have not noticed. My partner and his half-brother (as well as his other, natural brother) are not on speaking terms with their dad for many (many) good reasons. I can't say I'm looking forward to the lunch but I rarely look forward to anything that entails me leaving the house nowadays. Who knows; the fresh air mi
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I think I used to have a purpose, but then again, that might have been a dream

It may be a bit too early to tell but I'm feeling somewhat better today. Yesterday I crashed in the afternoon again. Strangely ever since I took time off my job mornings have become easier to deal with but afternoons are mentally excruciating.  Luckily this morning I have enough wits about me to remind myself of  a mantra which has been getting me through some difficult times since late September: Don't destroy yourself. I will not drink today. Drink always makes things worse. I can te
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Teen idle

After my first experience of sexual intercourse (which I later came to find out was statutory rape) I became heavily depressed because the other person involved made a disappearing act from my life in the immediate aftermath. I had become very emotionally dependent on him in the months leading up to the fiasco, and he basically talked my 13-year-old self into sleeping him with the promise of a possible relationship that never materialised. For a young girl with a ****-ton of daddy issues it was
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The day has come where I have died (only to find I've come alive)

I lived through yesterday: by the skin of my teeth; but I did.  I predicted I wasn't going to have a good day as soon as I opened my eyes, but the universe decided to really pile it on and break me down by throwing some pretty s***ty circumstances and happenings across my path. Mum and I had planned a day out after popping by the Building Authority to ensure that permits related to my flat are all in order. On my way there I broke down three times; since I don't drive and was on a bus,
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I want to stay inside all day, I want the world to go away

It's two minutes shy of 6.00 a.m. right now. I've been up for over an hour. The cat started having a whine and woke me up; not that it took much effort on her part. I fell asleep at 8.00 p.m. yesterday and before that I had a three-hour nap in the late morning. Somehow I still feel tired, lethargic and apathetic. It's my mother's birthday today and I promised we'd do something special; which we are despite the rain and gloom. It's not the rain that's disheartening me from leaving the house
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