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About this blog

A blog for me to share my mental flow of consciousness, I place to freely express how I feel, and for others to see that they aren't alone.

Entries in this blog

She

29/5/17 I can sit and watch the world go by without even seeing it.  I can look at my reflection in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back at me. I can feel both so much and so little all at the same time, yet I can't feel what those feeling are trying to tell me. I couldn't tell you what's going on in my brain, or which type of chemicals are flowing in my bloodstream to induce some feeling.   But it takes so little to bring me crashing back down to reality
Invisible Princess

Invisible Princess

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Maybe I'm Fine

27/10/16 Right now I'm ok. Its half term, I'm not breaking down almost everyday, no one is making me cry. Yesterday my amazing friends took me out for a birthday dinner, I'm going on holiday on Monday. Nothing could be better, or could it?  I guess even though I'm telling myself I'm fine, I am still questioning it constantly. After all, today, Thursday, is the first day I've done any schoolwork. Partly because I was on holiday till tuesday evening, but also because I couldn't make myse
Invisible Princess

Invisible Princess

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Sigh. A sign of discontent

18/10/16 I can't stand my own complaining anymore. I'm sick of the, "I'm tired", "I've had enough", or the "I'm done with". I just want everything to start making sense, to feel like I'm making progress towards university, towards anything.  I really want to talk to someone. Really. I do. But there's something inside of me that won't let me. The voice that narrates my life, the one that says "You're not good enough", "There's nothing 'wrong' with you. You're just useless". The word 'Yo
Invisible Princess

Invisible Princess

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Overwhelmed

17/10/16 The truth is I'm overwhelmed, and I've had enough. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I hate almost everything I do, I regret every action I make. I don't know how, or what, to feel. I guess I just don't know how to stop pretending.   I've built this character, of a girl who is confident, loud, and ultimately, happy. But behind the character is a girl who is unsure of what the future holds for her. A girl who isn't sure of how or what she's feeling anym
Invisible Princess

Invisible Princess

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'Air quotes' and false everythings

14/10/16 Why are you always so stupid. You never think before you speak. You never stop to think about the consequences. Maybe if you stopped being so self obsessed, and outwardly Biotchy people would like you better. I don't understand how your 'friends' put up with you, I'm sure once you go to university (if you even get into one) these 'genuinely happy' friendships will just peter out and die.  Once again your childish behaviour and lack of control has gotten you into a petty argume
Invisible Princess

Invisible Princess

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Enough.

14/10/16 I'm tired of not understanding, of going round in circles, but saying not a thing. I've had enough of the constant struggle to learn this, understand that, all the while having another list of things I've still got to do. I'm just tired, worn down and exhausted from the constant whirring of consciousness, thinking and questioning. I'm done with it all, I want it to stop, to end, to finish.   Exams, university applications, life, is all just getting a little too much, but not.
Invisible Princess

Invisible Princess

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To cry or not to cry?

12/10/16 I'ts 8PM. The clock downstairs is chiming out. You see the time ticking over to 8:01PM. You realise that you don't want to work. You realise that all that this will achieve is you feeling worse than when you started. You see the ambiguity in that last sentence and realise that when you say 'this', that in fact it could refer to the work or this writing. Both are going to make you feel worse (Congrats, you started a sentence with a word other than 'You'). The snarky comments you spe
Invisible Princess

Invisible Princess

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Disheartened

28/9/16 Disheartened - to depress hope, courage or spirits of; Disheartened. A word with a simple, and understandable definition. So why does it feel so complicated? Why do I keep seeing it looming around every corner I turn? Why won't it go away... Until this point in life I don't think I could say I've ever had this feeling feel quite so prominent. But whatever problem I face up to it seems to play the disheartened card its had banked for years but has been unable to use due to my 'u
Invisible Princess

Invisible Princess

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All about them

25/8/16 You look out of the window a year past the day you choose to remember. You see dryer and sunnier weather this time, but one thing is missing from this day, this year. A year later you may know what those letters on the page gave you, what hope they instilled in you, and that they weren't all that they seemed. While those letters choose to reveal more, the person you think about who was there that day chooses to stay away. After all, the letters haven't helped you recently, in fact,
Invisible Princess

Invisible Princess

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For why did you begin?

27/7/16 All your mind does is race. It scrambles its way through fields of self-doubt, inquisition, and hatred. But then, it stops. Then, all of a sudden, as if someone had built an impenetrable brick wall, there's nothing. No thoughts, no creativity, and nothing to say, a complete lack of words to explain this feeling, but then again there doesn't feel like there's anything left to feel anymore. It's a chasm of nothingness. But that doesn't make anything any easier, because how can there b
Invisible Princess

Invisible Princess

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