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Today's thoughts.

It's been a while...but I'll probably be more active again soon. I just don't ****ing know anymore... Every day...I feel so worthless...I felt good for a bit but now I'm right back where I started. I don't know what the **** to do...Anger, Sadness, Anxiety. I don't know what's missing...I've got friends...nice stuff...you guys...people who care about me...yet I still feel so empty... I keep starting out a new line with "I want," but I always end up deleting it...I don't

Jalen

Jalen

Absorbed in Self hate

TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm 170956127513705 108357328562908 128056328960556 189564328956289 319805730927577 139573908256438 135865984036565 280357680364565   This is a stupid rambling, you probably don't want to read it. Just warning in advance. I hate myself more than anything, I can't stop hating myself. I want to burn, I want to die. I cut and it never feels like enough, I want to punish myself for being the horrible person I am. I want to

Jalen

Jalen

So bad.

TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm @3847392028484928454392837943883948483838384929484948885 3847392028484928454392837943883948483838384929484948885384739202848492845439283794388394848383838492948494888538473920284849284543928379438839484838383849294849488853847392028484928454392837943883948483838384929484948885 --------------------- aaaaaaaaaaaaaa I feel so bad, I feel so unbelievably bad. Worse than ever. Everything is going down hill, and I dont know what to do. I can't stop cuttin

Jalen

Jalen

Close Call

Trigger Warning: Suicide 123456789 123456789 123456789 123456789 123456789 123456789 123456789 123456789 I just got the closest I've ever been to ending it...but I didn't have the guts. I wanted to so badly. I guess I'm here another day. I hate this. I'm sorry.   That was my lowest point ever.

Jalen

Jalen

Just a poem.

I decided to take 20 minutes and write a poem, to just get out my thoughts...it's a pretty crappy poem I admit. Anyways...here goes: I've lost myself, who am I? It keeps getting worse, why do I try? My dreams impossible, I cannot fly. All my hopes, they are a lie.   This feels unreal, wish it was nonexistent. Nothing makes me happy, why can't I be content? I seem selfish and cruel, but it's not what I meant. The world would be better without me, but tha

Jalen

Jalen

Juice RAGE

So here's a funnier blog some of you may enjoy. I just got back 30 minutes ago from shopping, starting off the winter break. I was coming inside, carrying a bunch of groceries, right as I got into the kitchen the juice fell and split open shooting juice everywhere. I got so mad, I starting kicking the wall and shouting curse words. I started to clean it up. After cooling down I went to talk to my friend, and here's part of the chat: [2:44:41 PM] Jalen: Oh god I'm so p***** right nowwww

Jalen

Jalen

Emotion

I feel so unstable. I feel so blank and empty, but anything can set me off. I realize that my emotions are just barely being held in, locked away. They could flood in and make me a mess anytime, as they so often do. They are barely being held back and it's getting harder and harder to keep them from getting out. When they come out, I am left unprepared and lost. I can't take this, I am always worried. The tears tear through me. I just don't know how to keep all of them in, but I guess

Jalen

Jalen

Mr. Dissapointment

I am such a dissapointment, and I know it. Almost nobody ever has a good word for me, and rightfully so. I make friends but I feel like a major burden, and I feel bad for them for having to be friends with me. I am always told that I'm an embarrassment and dissapointment by my dad and my mom is always mad at me, and it is my fault. I have betrayed my parents trust so many times and they're mad at me for it, yet I still don't stop. My teachers are always having "conferences" with me, and they yel

Jalen

Jalen

Just a question.

I think this might need a trigger warning so here we go TRIGGER WARNING Questions about Self Harm ------------------------- -------------------------- <><><><><.<><><> 9820895732408753 \\--\\\--\\--\\--\\--\\\-- *#%#(*%^@*#(%^ Why do I have the urge to cut myself? I don't know why but it's just there, it just seems to keep showing up. I don't understand the reasoning behind the urge, but the urge grows stronger

Jalen

Jalen

Feeling Hurt

I don't even know why but I feel hurt. I feel sad and I feel mad. I feel so many things but none of them good. I feel worse than usual, but that's not saying much, normally I feel emotionless, indifferent. I sometimes wish to feel nothing but other times the exact opposite. I am such a horrible person, and I know it. I feel horrible, I feel guilty, I feel stupid. There are only two things I really can find any relief in anymore, when I see my little brother be happy, and music. I need those

Jalen

Jalen

Thoughts about today.

Could've gone better, could've gone worse. I actually brushed my teeth twice today (I know it sounds dumb but I'm actually taking care of myself for once), so I guess that's good. I wish people understood this one girl who people think of as some perfect little sunflower. She is such an ass to me and always has been.  Back, years ago a bunch of people including her bullied me like crazy all year, to the point where I was going to the main office or deans office every single day, and was ver

Jalen

Jalen

Demons

The Demons inside of me continue to grow; The Demons inside of me I cannot control; The Demons inside of me **** the Jalen you know; The Demons inside of me put a knife to my throat.   The Demons inside of me make me conniving, decieving; wish I were, not breathing; The Demons inside of me hurt me day-by-day; The Demons inside of me keep my emotions locked away.  

Jalen

Jalen

Extreme Paranoia

I went to a concert today and the Paranoia was overwelming. It was driving me crazy, I kept thinking about all of these horrible scenarios and I didn't even feel remotely safe until I'd worked out my plans for if a million different things went wrong, including some ridiculous things... Paranoia drives me crazy and I always feel like death's right around the corner waiting for me, trying to get me. It gets to the point when I get home and call out and nobody answers at first I start imagini

Jalen

Jalen

Got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I ****ed it up.

I just had an amazing opportunity but I ****ed up, in front of somebody I really look up to, and a ton of random other people. I got extremely embarrassed in front of all of them. I got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and that's what happened. I will never get that chance again and now I look like a total *****. I ruined it for the others who were with me, and everybody else was mad at me. I just can't believe I messed that up so badly. I thought someday I'll be like them, nope, never. I know t

Jalen

Jalen

Exhausted

Recently I've felt so exhausted. I feel too tired to do anything, even writing, this is not easy. I feel too tired to even work in school, I just zone out and lie back in my chair. I never want to get out of bed, I feel too tired to eat. I don't know why this has happened all of the sudden. I don't want to do anything at all, I just want to lay in my bed. I know I am being lazy, but I'm too tired to work. Energy is not an easy thing to come by. I guess things have been happening quickl

Jalen

Jalen

Can Things Change?

I know I've said this so many times but every day I feel more unwanted. It is almost everybody has classes with me at my school hates me. If the teacher ever talks about anything bad being done, or anything like that everybody stares at me as if expecting I was the cause. People glare at me all of the time, and if they sit by me always ask if they can be moved. They make jokes about me and talk about me behind my back. I am thought of as stupid, rude, disrespectful, and annoying. I know these ar

Jalen

Jalen

To Present to Counselor

Here is what I am planning to give to the counselor. I hope this is enough to get my feelings across without being enough to warrant him notifying people because he thinks I've had suicidal ideation. I edited it to get rid of certain things that might lead to that. THIS IS A RECAP OF ALL THAT I'VE WRITTEN OVER THE COURSE OF BEING ON THIS WEBSITE; How can I fix my life? My parents are disappointed in me, my sister thinks I'm horrible, I get bad grades, I am not responsible, and when I t

Jalen

Jalen

Can't Control My Emotions

I can never control my emotions, it feels they get way to out of control, and I am powerless over them. Maybe that wouldn't be as much of a problem if I didn't have so many things that made me mad and so many things that made me sad. So many little things drive me crazy, and it makes me so mad. Like somebody not capitalizing a letter, or somebody not being organized (which is weird because I only feel that way about certain things), or even somebody saying a word I can't stand (like there a

Jalen

Jalen

Why do I feel so empty

Recently I've just felt so empty, I feel numb, and bored. I just don't care about anything. I don't feel happy, sad, or mad. I can't stand this. This is seriously driving me crazy. I feel distant. I feel invisible. I feel unwanted. I feel small. I feel unloved. I feel repulsive.

Jalen

Jalen

This is beginning to scare me...

Recently I keep thinking I hear somebody call my name, or say something like that, and it isn't happening, nobody called me, that and footsteps. It is really scary. Don't have much to write but this is creeping me out idk if there is anything I can do about it though.

Jalen

Jalen

I hate Nostalgia

I hate Nostalgia so much because it makes me so sad. I see so many things and I see me smiling and happy with my family, or things I used to love, and it makes me so sad, I just miss when times were simpler and easier, and my family was happy, no parent drama, no being yelled at all the times, we had great bonds and were happy. That's not how it is now, and I wish that I could be a different person from that little smiling boy I used to be, I wish that I were somebody else, and that boy was some

Jalen

Jalen

Amazing Poem

Demons Of Darkness She stood on the bridge  In silence and fear For the demons of darkness Had driven her here They cut her heart  Right out of her chest Making her believe  That the demons knew best  They were always there Sometimes just out of sight Waiting in the background  Till the time was right  These demons were destructive  Knocking down the life she knew  Hating everything about her She hated herself too Thes

Jalen

Jalen

Underweight?

I did a test for how much BMI is considered very underweight, and it said 15.0 or lower, I'm 14.5. Don't know whether I should like be worried or something, I am 5'5 and 90 pounds. That is in the third percentile or people my age my height. I just really don't feel like I'm underweight, I feel like I'm getting fatter.

Jalen

Jalen

I am different.

I am very different from most people. In the way I act, the things I say, the things I do, and what I think. I am always trying to act happy and upbeat so that nobody can see the real me. I am either hated or loved, though mostly hated. I can never sit still or focus in class, and people make fun of me for it. Most of the time if somebody insults me I try to just joke about and act like I don't care, which most of the times is the case, but not always. I mainly use self-depreciati

Jalen

Jalen

Jealousy

I guess recently I've been feeling really jealous of my friends, and I feel guilty feeling that way. I don't want to feel so jealous because it messes with my relationship with them as friends, but I can't help it. I just feel really jealous about how they are such magnets to people, however I am the opposite. People are repulsed by me, not wanting to work with me, hang out with me, or even sit by me, and it feels everybody loves them. I can't stand it, I really wish people would like me an

Jalen

Jalen

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