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Entries in this blog

 

Boring

Lately I've been reading the Bible and books on Buddhism and stuff. Yet life is pretty boring. My chronic stomach disease has got a bit better thanks to medication, but still not what I'd like it to be.
 

Bad Life

My life really sucks. I have done things in the past that are horrible and I can't change so I feel really guilty about it. Also I have basically nothing to do. I just surf online and read books, but that's really boring. I have been thinking of doing suicide, but I don't actually have the guts to do it.

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

I'm a douche

I'm a straight up douche. I don't have much empathy skills. How to get empathy? It's like in real life I'm a good person, but when I'm typing on the computer I don't have much empathy. I would like empathy. I gotta get empathy. I will start learning now.

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Still Wandering

I feel like I can't talk freely. I'm suffering from my schizophrenia. But I'm glad my family is supportive. I read about Gandhi and nonviolence. I wanna be a positive inspiration for people. Peaceful inspiration.

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

I need a channel

I am not a nazi.  I am not a pedophile.  I am not a killer.  I am not a rapist.  People who **** people go to Hell. They let me out of the mental hospital cos I saved the world.  I pray that everyone will be okay.  Killers go to Hell. Hell exists. Killers go there.  If you're sad, watch cat videos online.   I started a cultural revolution. I still don't quite know why I did that. I guess it was to make things I like more popular.  In my mind

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Depressed

I wanna do marihuana. That would help with my stomach. But it makes me anxious and all kinds of other mental problems. Life is so hard. The place I would go to is Amsterdam prolly.

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Life is isht

My life is going badly. I'm having severe health problems. If I conquer those problems, I'm not sure if I'm able to succeed socially. Those are two huge problems that are very difficult. It's not looking good right now. I really don't like this forum. It's cos I always come here when I'm feeling poorly. It serves an important purpose cos I get to release my negative emotions. But still even the site leaves a bad feeling to me cos I'm always depressed when I post here.

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Okay Vacation

Vacation has been kinda nice. Certainly have experienced more social things than in my home country. My health problems are horrific by anyone else's standards. But by my standards, they're semi okay. I can't go out often. I just hope I can make the flight back home without problems. Gonna be very rough to fly in this condition. In my home country I can get a medicine that makes me slightly better, and then I will actually travel to a third country and get a medicine that hopefully will wor

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Low Point

I got super drunk. Did things I'm not proud of. The reader of this blog might imagine things more severe or mild than what I did. Anyway, I'm back in my hotel room and quite depressed. I'm a pathetic individual. I might as well die. Why do I stay on this earth. Anyway, my trip to third world country is tomorrow. I can leave one note to myself though. DO NOT GET TOO DRUNK! The sad thing is I might not be able to take my own advice. Also I worry my trip is gonna get charged a lot cos of the e

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Start of trip

I think I left my adapter back home. That's a freaking great start to my trip. Hopefully I won't have to buy one there, but maybe I do. Not a disaster in all fairness. I won't post in detail what happens during my trip. Hopefully I will post rarely - that would mean the trip is going well. I'm not optimistic though.

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Bad News [full post]

Doctor said something in my stomach could pop and the surgery for it would cost tens of thousands, if it pops on vacation. Also she said I could literally die on my holiday. It didn't move me much cos I consider my life after the surgery not life at all. The thing is they would do a scheduled surgery and after that install a thing in and on my stomach, but I was like no, I don't wanna do that cos that's just embarrassing. Imagine if a girl would see that. I'm a young man, I still wanna have sex

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

My life sucks

I'm in the hospital for some bulls*** test. Tomorrow i'm supposed to go to the vacation. I can't believe how isht my life is.

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Rant

I don't have appetite. I have insomnia. I keep drinking energy drinks. Those three are connected. I wish I had more self-control. My trip is in three days. It's a s***ty situation. I have like 12 sleeping pills left. Those have to last for 35 days. I have to be good about my decision-making on when to use them. I have more pills for my stomach left. Still have to be careful about them not running out. Would be the ultimate disaster if they run out during my vacation. I question my

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Another Health Setback :/

I got the bacteria again that I once had and got it away from my system for some time, but it came back. I got medication already so hopefully in 10 days it will be gone and this time for good. My trip is in 8 days, so it's not the best time to have this bacteria in my system.

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Liquid

I just realised I need to drink more. Maybe dehydration is causing me health problems. It's worth a try. Overall health state quite poor at the moment. Really sucks if there's a certain bacteria still inside me. Vacation almost ruined if that's the case. In two weeks I'll go to the vacation.

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Insomnia

It is telling that I've posted here so often recently. Maybe I am depressed. I can't sleep. I gotta stop drinking so many energy drinks. It's an addiction. Those are not good for my health either. I gotta try eating a very healthy diet for like a week to properly see if I can get good results. For sure I need to eat healthy for the entire duration of my upcoming vacation. I pray to God my health will be good and there won't be unfortunate situations. I've been reading George Orwell's 1

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Health

My health is not getting better. I've tried everything I can to improve it. There's no medicine available for me that I haven't tried. I don't even care about my health now, but in a couple of weeks I'm going to a vacation and it would be vital that I was in okay condition. But I'm not. But I'll see, I'm still going to the vacation and I hope it won't be a complete disaster.

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Latest Thoughts

Past couple of weeks I have been mostly in a hopeful state. For some reason I had hope, that everything would turn out well and things would keep on being well. Right now I'm losing some of that hope. I don't know why that is. But at least a pessimist doesn't ever get disappointed. I gotta think of life as a freeroll. I gotta expect nothing, and then be positively surprised if something good happens. My diet is pretty good right now. I think I can go cold turkey on energy drinks. It has bee

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Gambling (Sportsbetting) Problem

I must not sportsbet anymore. I bet 6% of my net worth to one match and I lost. 6%. I have a problem. But I can solve it if I just have enough self-control. No more betting. No more betting. What I will do though and what most people consider gambling, and it kinda is, but in long-term it's skill, is poker. I have made pretty much all my money from poker. So I'll start playing that again properly. And RESPONSIBLY. That's the key. Meaning I'll risk 1% of my net worth at one time at most. Act

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Hospital Bills

I went to hospital three times on my recent vacation. It's gonna cost like 15k total. I have hope that I can complain about the insurance company's decision that they made about my second hospital stay, so it would only cost a little under 10k if justice is served. I am still having health problems. I was thinking that I need to drink tea, but then again if I have to drink tea, it sucks cos what if I don't have tea available. Then I'm just gonna have problems. So I am in a bad situation and

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Bad Health

I booked a trip to a tropical country. The problem is my health situation. I thought I had it under control, but maybe I don't. Pretty bad situation would be that when I leave the hotel, I run into sudden health problems and I have to go back. Impossible to have a social life if that happens. Worst case scenario is that I have to go to hospital. That hospital stay might cost 5 figures. So much variance in what the vacation is gonna be like. Anywhere from a good and happy vacation

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

I have no idea what to do with my life.

I was in the United States. I got into hospital. Now I have to pay a 5-figure amount cos insurance doesn't cover :( Also did some medical medicine cos maybe it would help with my physical disease. What ended up happening is I got really high and became paranoid and idk, it didn't go very well. I actually decided that the warm weather was making my health system fail so I abruptly returned to my home country. Now I'm in better health condition. I am thinking of going on a holiday. I am

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Financial problems

I was in the hospital. Got good care. But then my insurance company called and they say as if my insurance won't cover the hospital stay for some complete bs reason. I would have to pay thousands per 24 hours spent in hospital if I have to pay. Been thinking of jumping off a very tall building. Not that it's anywhere near execution, but that's something I've begun envisioning. Life is such bulls*** all the time for me. When does it end?

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Doctors are clowns

They told me I have Crohn's disease some years ago. Then they told me with huge certainty that I have colitis ulcerosa. And now they're changing the diagnosis back to Crohn's disease maybe. I've had enough of these clowns. The current doctor wanted to prescribe me cortison, which is a poison. They're such clowns. I'm going to America. The land where some politicians aren't owned by the drug companies so illegal drug/medical illegal drug is available in some states. I'm gonna try to get prescribe

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

 

Problems

I'm unattractive. Getting more unattractive all the time. My trip is soon. Nice that I don't have any expectations in terms of enjoying it, in fact I have a feeling I'll hate my life there. So anything better is plus. I do have hope though that my health will get better, so if it doesn't, I'll be very disappointed and possibly suicidal. I mean what is there in life if my health is **** and I'm alone and I have nothing else going on.

Wanderer42

Wanderer42

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