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About this blog

Just a published version of my journal 

Entries in this blog

 

This is Not Good

Things are getting bad again. Everyone with depression can relate. It feels like you're treading water in the middle of the ocean. There's no land in sight. Every now and then, a ship enters your field of view, and you're filled with a little hope that maybe this time, someone will see you. Someone will help you. Someone will pull you out of the f**king water. But the ship steams by on the horizon, never seeing you, never getting any closer, and you're alone again. And then sometimes it's n

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

My Little Buds

I went over to my mom's today, my sister is in town with her sons, and her oldest was having his 5th birthday party. If there's anything that helps me get perspective, it's being around her boys. I don't have kids of my own and never will, for lots of reasons. But it's not just the kids, you see. A two year old and a five year old are easy. They don't care about my past. They don't care about my failures. They don't care about my future. They care that I bring them candy and toys, that I hug the

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Look, Ma, I'm Normal!

I really don't want to lay around stewing in my own bad thoughts. It crushes me when someone even implies that it's what I'm choosing to do. It's not a choice, only a moron would choose it. I want to be active, useful, and motivated. On the rare occasions I can power through the depression and at least act like I'm those things, I find myself relatively happy. Today I cleaned my room, organized my drawers, washed my clothes and my bedding, actually folded those clothes and replaced the bedding,

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Cross My Heart, Not My Fingers

I do a lot of complaining on my blog here, but every now and then I have good thoughts I want to write down. There's a lot of uncertainty in my life right now. What I want more than anything is to be with my girlfriend, marry her like we planned, and try my best to make her happy. She's 1500 miles away right now, and a lot of it hinges on this internship I'm still not 100% sure I was accepted into. From the stuff they said when I applied and the material they keep sending me, it sure looks

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

The Anti-Depressant Blues

I have an appointment with the med clinic next week to try to finally find an antidepressant that works for me, and I'm stressing about it. I have zero belief that there's a med out there that will work for me. Over the last ten years, I've worked my way down almost the entire list of them. Every time a new one comes out, my pdoc throws it at me, and 90% of the time it just makes things worse. They've even gone so far as to totally go off script (no pun intended) and prescribe stuff off-label to

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

The Earth is Flat, Duh

I'm becoming a legit crazy person. I've known I have emotional problems for years. But this is different. I'm not hearing voices or seeing things, nothing like that. But I'm starting to listen to other crazy people. The more I research all of these so-called conspiracy theories, the more I realize I don't know. One theory leads to another, and pretty soon I'm sitting at my computer, completely overwhelmed, wondering if anything we've been told is true. Some of the things I started out researchin

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Strange, semi-violent thoughts

I've heard mention of a specific disorder...I'm not sure what the medical term is, but I've heard it described as 'shark syndrome' on another forum. Basically, a person needs near-constant action, or they stagnate into depression, anxiety, and mania. If this is a real thing, I definitely have it. The feeling makes me feel totally insane. I love people, honestly I do. Sure, they p*ss me off and irritate me, but for the most part, I've gotten really good at putting myself in other peoples' shoes a

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Better Today

I have a horrible tendency to get caught up in the small stuff. I realized today that the smaller my world gets, the more miserable I am. The more selfish my thoughts get, the more horrible a place my own head is. I spent today in a very non-selfish place. I woke up and started writing some fiction, which actually turned out okay. So I posted it for free on a fiction board, where other people got some instant enjoyment out of it. And that made me happy. I really wasn't looking to get anything ou

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Caffeine, Nicotine, and Failure

I'm breaking my vow of silence concerning complaining/rants online. They are useless, nobody wants to hear/read them...yet I can't help myself. The misery has been building in me like carbonation in an abused soda bottle, and if I don't crack the cap, I'm going to explode and make a huge mess. Quite simply, I hate my life. More accurately, I hate myself. The more I try to be a good person and do the right things, the more miserable I feel. When things get better, it feels like they're getting wo

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Still breathing...

Was lying in bed letting my mind wander, and it took me to memories of people on this site...I hope everyone is doing well and I don't want old acquaintances here to worry about me needlessly, so I thought I'd pop in and let the DF world know I'm still alive. Like everybody I'm up and I'm down. I miss the one that I love a lot, and 100% of my energy is going into getting her back, so I won't be around here much. But I'm alive. I met a lot of good folken here, and I hope all of you are well. ...

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

It's not so bad..

Sometimes I get a little bummed out and I'm not sure why. There's never really a reason...well, sometimes there is, but it's never a good enough reason to melt down like I tend to. But lately, even the bad stuff hasn't been getting through. There's a very simple reason for that. I'm with a partner who truly gets me now. We share everything, we're totally honest, and to be totally honest, it's incredible. I have no idea how I existed before I met Monica. Being in love scares the bad thoughts

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

bang

I just watched a documentary. I'm pretty sure I learned the opposite of what it tried to teach me. It was about the mission to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. They were angling for horror and devastation with the way they presented the movie. "Anyone caught in the open air below the fireball was instantly vaporized, or turned to carbon. They left their shadows behind in ash. There were tens of thousands of them." Sounds good, almost. Maybe they were the lucky ones? Blech.

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Hello, Friends =)

Hi everyone, it's Shane. I'm sure most of you figured out that I left DF after a pretty long period of inactivity...I'm not making a comeback or anything. I left the site for a number of reasons, none that I need to go into here...and honestly, I'm getting by fine without it, and most days I'm generally happy and mostly depression free. It still rears it's head now and again, but I mostly have it under control with the help of a few people in my life and a formula of natural coping skills and br

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Dual Feelings, Where I Am, and Where I'm Going

I woke up today feeling two different ways at once, which sometimes happens for me. The overwhelming feeling is gratitude...but there's also a sense of discontent. I thought about it and discovered that the discontentment I'm feeling relates to how I'm feeling about myself. I decided to make a list of things that I'm not loving about myself, and what I'm doing to work on them. This is basically a pure journal entry written for myself and my own self-improvement, so feel free to skip on by this,

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Good Day So Far!

I woke up this morning feeling good. Last night was a test...had an argument with my significant other. It happens. We're both very opinionated and strong-willed people, and when our thinking and opinions don't line up, we let each other know about it. I got overly emotional and acted in an uncharacteristic way...normally, I try to be very patient and understanding, and to always think about where the other person is coming from. Last night, because it was an issue that affected me negatively em

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

New Perspective

It's so true...everything we experience is a matter of perception. We really get to choose how we experience life. God, that's an empowering thought, right? We have control of that. I was just listening to a song I like called The Bad Side of 25. Obviously its about crossing the 25 year old age mark and the feelings that go along with that. And even though I've always enjoyed the song, I kind of felt sad, because I felt like I was on the bad side of 25. But out of nowhere just now, I just g

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Insomnia>Sleeping Meds Tonight

This is it, this is the night I forget about all year long, but the one night that happens every year. Every year in December here on the Gulf Coast, at some random time before Christmas, we always have a very weird, creepy night. It's in the weather. It's a smell. You can feel it in your bones. It's like the whole world, and everything on it, takes a deep breath and lies still. Even the weather phoned it in tonight. The air is thick, on the verge of fog...it deadens any sounds that might be bei

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Don't you tell me to put a title when I don't have one, DF

Yesterday was kind of an up and down day...luckily the lows weren't too low and the highs weren't too high. I had an appt with my pdoc to discuss my med situation, so I was ready for that to happen. My appt was supposed to be at 11:30. I got there on time and waited...and waited...and waited. She finally came out at 12:15...and then she didn't even call me, she called the girl who was apparently in line before me. I got really worked up and p**sed off...I like my pdoc, but I was seething about t

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Not so great and positive right now..

Not much to say...I had a relatively good day, but I feel worse for that, because someone I love is having an especially difficult day. I would die to be able to trade places with her, let her have my good day and take her bad feelings away for her. I know this is bound to happen...I can't make someone happy all the time. I wish I could, though. I sure wish I could. Words don't help, and I'm not there to wrap her up in my arms and kiss her and snuggle and make cute noises until she forgets why s

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Medication Situation

So two short months ago I thought I had my med situation sorted out, finally...but it's kinda gone to hell lately lol. I'm trying to be positive about it and practice what I've been preaching...Can't complain, just gotta play the hand I got dealt. I wish there was at least a pair in it, but nope. I do have a straight draw though...so I have hope for an out! A few months ago I was able to drop my Ativan prescription. My anxiety was in check and I didn't need it anymore, plus tbh, I didn't li

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

In the Mood For Some Football!!

...not American football, real football! Man City vs Leicester City...GOOOOOAL JAMIE VARDY!! Get some of that, you blue b*****s!!!!   Holy hell GOOOOAL KING!!!! Jeez this looks like the Leicester from last year!! 

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

To My Father

I wrote this letter to my dad a couple of nights ago, and I'm about 95% sure I'm actually going to send it to him. I wanted to post it here first to let it marinate for a while, to make sure it's actually what I want to say to him...to make sure it's actually necessary, really. Here goes... Dear Dad, I wanted to write you and let you know how I'm feeling. I know you feel like you have to get the last word, but this is my last word. By saying what you said to me six months ago, you gave

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Love Defined

I love my girl so much...she saved me, and I didn't even know I was drowning. She is a full breath of oxygen at the bottom of the ocean. A single word, a single look, a single kiss from her are all singular events that would make every bit of suffering life has to offer worth it. I would do anything, be anything, just to see a smile on her lips. She makes the world spin. The birds all sing for her, the wind blows for her. I want nothing from life anymore except for the continued ability to make

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

 

Being Carter

It's been brought to my attention that I may be overblowing the whole positivity thing on this site by more than one person. Like, me being relentlessly positive is hard for some people to stomach. And I get that, I really do, and I accept it. When I'm at my worst, I see a guy walking down the street snapping his fingers and whistling, and I want to walk over and kick him in the peaches. But at the same time, while I understand its not for everybody, I can't bring myself to apologize for it. I d

carter_burn1

carter_burn1

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