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About this blog

Ruminations. Emphasis on rum.

Entries in this blog

 

Name of the Rose

Depression. The catchphrase of our time. It explains everything and absolutely nothing at all (IMHO). As long as we treat mental illness as something not “us”, we are missing the point entirely. There is ALWAYS an element of personal characteristics involved with mental health issues. There are always environmental aspects to so called mood disorders, “personality disorders”, schizophrenia and bipolar too. I discovered something online(yes I know, the danger of self diagnosis bla
 

A circle has closed

I believe a circle of sorts has just closed. Today I met someone after five years. Someone who in fact sent me on the current path(in my head that is) I am now on, the path some of of you have witnessed these few years I have been posting on df. It was the same young woman I mentioned in one of my early threads. Here's a link if anyone is interested: Basically it was a work place infatuation that was one-sided and more to the point nothing happened. In fact she was probably unawa

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Doomed

Some of us will never have a chance for a better life. Some of us will be losers for the rest of our lives.. Sorry, I'll rephrase that. You reading this will NEVER be losers. Some of us are dead within and stay that way until we are also physically gone. Because some of us are spiritually, intellectually and some of us also physically impoverished and handicapped for life in a world that strives for conformity and compliance and doesn't give a rats ass as to who we truly are or who we

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

I’m Stranded

I realized yesterday how much people drain me. How much I get pis sed off with people. It is the interaction I find taxing. The more I have to be involved, the harder it gets.  So tired.   I have no idea what I want. The Saints got it right.    

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Life as a string of dissatisfactory choices

In essence this is how I perceive my life.  Every choice in the world open for me is either meaningless or the lesser evil. I just sent a memo to parties concerned about career development at work just an hour ago. Thing is I don’t want to work there at all anymore. But finding another job, a job that I would finally be comfortable with is impossible. I’m too old. Age discrimination is a reality, especially for someone without a decent degree, ambition or passion for anything.  I still have

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Waiting..for something

That's what I do. There is an Urge within me.. a Want That Has No Name.  Don't get me wrong. I AM making an effort. I'm trying to come to terms with this Hunger. The emptiness i feel is raging. It needs to be filled. I'm at a loss as to what with. I AM active. I even socialize, even though it's against my nature. People..I don't really understand them. Neither do I really understand myself. If there even is a "me". As it stands, I don't know who I am. What I am here for. What my dreams

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Why I am a failure

I've been told I am not a failure by quite a few good people on df.  The thing is I KNOW I am a failure. Here's why. I'm as insecure and with as little self esteem at 51 as I was at 15. I began to realize then how I wasn't really cut out for school or for anything else for that matter. I wasn't good at anything. Though I half heartedly sticked to studying or whatever hobby that happened to catch my lack-lustre interest,  I was never more than lower average in anything I did. I never qu

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Always end up alone

Not that I ever feel I'm not alone. I feel isolated, stranded, even in company. There is no point opening my heart to people. After they realize the extent of my pessimism and nihilism people back off. I don't blame them. So from now on I keep my mouth shut. I don't see much point hanging around on df either. All I do is repeat myself. Either I find other means to get out of hell or I just f....off, out of this life. I've had it.     

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Waste of space

Self-hate/loathing/ alternate. If not that, I feel empty. Self-acceptance..how the ff does that work when the "me" is the problem? I see my life as non-descript and boring at best, void of anything resembling fulfillment and/or satisfaction. I am a failure and a drop-out of life. No interests, no passion, no drive. A non existent attention span and at this age lost any sense of hope, if it was there in the first place. I have no self-esteem to speak of.  I've said this before, I am emp

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Taking stock

A diagnosis of sorts. Mixed personality disorder (borderline and depressive with a dash of who knows what). A year ago my doc at the time was pretty sure I was suffering from a version of bipolar or cyclothymia. This could, in fact, still be the case. Personality disorders and bipolar/cyclothymia aren't mutually exclusive. Nevertheless, personality disorder it is (whatever that really means) for the time being. I need to get a therapist next, apparently.  There are so many contrad

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Living too Late

Sometimes life is like a new bar Plastic seats, alcohol below par Food with no taste, music grates I'm living too late Once talking was my favourite while But now I know a conversation's end Before it's done Maybe I'm living too long   The Fall Living too Late

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Me, I'm not

I can swallow it down Keep it all inside I define myself By how well I hide Feel it coming apart Well, at least I tried I can win this war By knowing not to fight If I take it all back Someway, somehow If I knew back then What I know right now   Nine inch nails Me, I'm not 

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Existence is futile

Dissatisfaction. Emptiness. Unhappiness. Disquiet. But empty sums up what actually consitutes me. I wouldn't even know what "getting better" means in my case. I don't really want anything. I don't have passion or drive for anything. All there is is a greyness and a sense of being stuck in a dead end. I don't know who I am. I don't like this non-person writing these words. I don't want to live. I don't really value life. If you can't give meaning to life yourself you are pretty much scr

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Dead-end Job

It's where I always end up. It's one of the main reasons I feel i'm a loser. I have no prospects being the age I am. I have no interests and no drive for anything. I also suffer from a form of attention deficiency and I have no stamina for long term studying.  So no degree or diploma to speak of. I'm constantly dissatisfied. People are happy enough with my performance at work but it's become apparent they want to keep me where I am- in the dead-endness. It's mostly blue collar wor

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Goodbye, I think

I don't know if this is permenant. But I've had enough. I'm sorry to say that being on df is triggering me to no end. I have bouts of paranoia and there are times when I think some of you aren't real. Other times it's just the fact that so many of us are not getting any better despite the treatment we are getting. Then there is the travesty of my so called treatment. four psychiatrists in 9 months and the only consistent factor about the "help" I'm getting is that the appointments were

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Lost cause

I finally realized why my appointments with the pdoc have been constantly cancelled.  It just isn't cost efficient to put time and effort in someone like me. Past 50, messed up, dissatisfied with myself and pretty much failed at everything I've done. It makes more sense to put resources into people who are younger, who can contribute and actually have the time and capabilities to educate themselves. They aren' t interested in losers with issues. No one is. IF the healthcare system

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Nausea

" Nothing happens while you live. The scenery changes, people come in and go out, that's all. There are no beginnings. Days are tacked on to days without rhyme or reason, an interminable, monotonous addition"   A quote  fromJean Paul Sartre's novel "Nausea". I read "Nausea" nearly twenty years ago and was dumbstruck. How could someone know verbatim how I felt? He describes the emptiness behind our everyday lives. Infered is also the notion of our responsibility to find meanin

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Had enough

I'm tired of diagnoses. What are their true value anyhow? I'm tired of medication with maximum side effects and mininum benefits.  I'm tired of doctors, nurses, and appointments being cancelled inconviencing me and making my life even harder. I'm tired of this non-person I am. I'm tired of not knowing what it is I want to do.  I'm tired of not having the capability to dream.  I'm tired of waking up in the morning and falling asleep in the evening not knowing are my

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Authenticity

I'm out of of place, out of time, out of myself. Everything feels wrong. I've said this before. This isn't my life I'm living.  Somebody, SOMETHING writing this is an imposter. The Imposter wants something he could call his own. Authenticity. Or he wants death. Perhaps they aren't mutually exlusive.

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Is life possible?

I've been dead now for years. I feel little else than self hate, anger, despair blah blah. You know the score. My rant. But beneath all the bad, the rage, the hopelessness Is absolutely   Nothing at all. Just emptiness Void  Chasm of nothingness   Nothing means anything to me. Not even the anger I feel.  I don't want life. I want the nothingness. I want oblivion.    Non-existence.    So is it possible to live? Is resurrec

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

I AM

TOYAH I AM   My fingers are grass My tongue the asp My town a burial mound My eyes are jewels My ears hear fools And I put them down My feet are wings My body sings Without a sound Eyes of blind ignorance See a world of despair Mountains of man Hide cities too deep Cool dark graves where bodies creep My nose is sharp It cuts the glass And then I escape My back is flat Off the beaten track I Am a landscape My body and spine

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

WANT

I'm getting more disheartened as the days fly by with all the inconclusiveness and disparateness that is my life. The fundamental dispersion of coherence of mind. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I'm heading or where I'd like to go. I don't know why my violent moodswings occur. Why I am so manic in my self-destructive thoughts and sprees of bruised knuckles and forehead. The thoughts ir/rational, coming and going, in and out, always something to think about, som

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

the Dark Night (of the Soul)

The Dark Night is a poem by St John of the Cross from 16th century.  In essence it tells about the journey the soul makes to god. The journey itself is largely unknown and a leap of faith is necessary, in the sense that everything we know and feel comfortable with is to be left behind to get to the kindom of heaven. I don't believe in the abrahamic god and neither do I believe in it's concept of the after life. But as an allegory of individuation and a search for self I think the poem

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Searchingforasoul is dead

Searchingforasoul has served it's purpose. The new name, samadhiSheol,  is a rip off from one of my favourite fantasy novels wtitten by Stephen Donaldson.  But it actually describes me and what I'm going through. Where I in fact, am.  Samadhi, in the hindu/buddhist tradtion, enlightenment, or in my case endarkenment. Nevertheless an epiphany.  Sheol, the jewish hell or underworld. That's were I am. Where I've been for a long time now.  The wordplay soul and sheol. Is there a

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

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