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About this blog

My life has had so many ups and downs. I have followed the road less traveled all my life, meaning my own individual path. This is a blog about those ups and downs and being on the road less traveled. 

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Entries in this blog

Low Life Creeps!

I have been a victim of fraud, major fraud, and once I tell this story you're going to think I am soooooo stupid and sooooooo naive, but that's OK... I think I am stupid and naive!!! Maybe you'll be disgusted too.. I sure am. I still feel slightly traumatized by the incident. So yesterday I received a message from the "IRS" stating that I have committed tax evasion fraud and that I am being sued by the IRS. So I called the number back immediately, feeling scared. They said they had sent notic

RiverLight

RiverLight

Love Bitten ~ Once Bitten, Twice Shy

My therapist and friends all tell me not to give up on love. At heart, I truly am a love bug by nature, being a Libra birth sign. But as of late, I've wanted to close my heart up entirely and turn my back on the possibility. All I ever do is get hurt, or abused, or enter into some kind of bad relationship that ends up being hurtful, at least as of late. Maybe the right person really is out there for me, & maybe when/if he comes along, I can open my heart again. But he is going to need to be

RiverLight

RiverLight

Blown off by a Date ~ Whatever

So this guy blew me off for our second date last night. He said how about next Wed? So I said sure... he was going out of town, he seemed enthusiastic and interested and was supposed to be in touch when he got back, but no word from him. Whatever is my attitude of non-attachment. There will be others, so forget it and forget him. I'm not chasing him.. he can come to me if he's interested. And if not, who cares? I like my new approach.. it's liberating! And much less upsetting. Normally, I'd be r

RiverLight

RiverLight

I Got Lost and Buried ~ Retrieval

I have forgotten who I really am. I realized this morning how truly lost my real self has been over the last three years and now I'm crying about it. I lost myself, my true self, in my last relationship of nearly two years and in another relationship for a year before that. My deeper, spiritual and philosophical side got buried... with my most recent ex, we did not discuss deep or spiritual topics. We kept things on a more lighthearted, fun level.. going out drinking, seeing music, traveling and

RiverLight

RiverLight

Healthy Indifference?

I've put so much care and effort into people and life, that it has backfired on me and now I'm indifferent (not towards my friends though). I think I've cared far too much.. even to the point of over preparing for interviews. Yesterday I didn't even bother prepping for my interview (not much), and just totally winged it and I think I did just fine. I have another one today and am doing some amount of prep, but not nearly like I used to. I just want to back away from caring about everything so

RiverLight

RiverLight

State of Apathy

I am now comfortably numb. Or uncomfortably numb? I don't feel anything and am devoid of all emotion. I'm not upset, I'm not sad, or emotional.. I'm just empty and there's nothing. I have reached a state of apathy. Literally, nothing matters anymore. I am facing a mountain of issues ahead of me, and I don't even care. I'm just going through the motions. It's been one issue after another for months now.. I think I finally reached a breaking point after so many life challenges to overcome, and I h

RiverLight

RiverLight

Weight of the World on my Back

My whole mind and body feel super heavy today, as though I have weights attached to my ankles, a huge boulder on my back and rocks in my brain. Today I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders yet I have an interview to prepare for. I don't know how I'm going to get through it, as I feel I am not going to be my usual upbeat, enthusiastic, focused and high energy self. I almost don't even care. I think I've lost the ability to care anymore. Nothing even matters. Nothing at all. I've put so mu

RiverLight

RiverLight

He Just Doesn't Care ~ Forget Him

Now I think he just doesn't care, that he doesn't care enough about me to even be friends. That the friendship we had wasn't special or important enough to him. Mind you, it was a short time, so maybe there wasn't enough time for him to develop those kinds of feelings and he completely changed his mind. But for me, it was a strong connection, a deeper soul connection, and one that I hadn't felt in quite some time. Guess it wasn't the same for him and did not have a similar impact. And now it's j

RiverLight

RiverLight

Detached and Disconnected ~ Out of Body Experience

I don't even know how to start this blog entry. I am not in my body right now... mentally or emotionally I just feel completely disconnected from my body. I am not upset, I am not emotional. In fact I almost feel emotionally numb. No.. not numb, but just not emotional. My body is going through the motions of what my mind is telling it to do, but I am somewhere else. Putting this to words doesn't even make sense. I just drove home as though in a dream. I spent the night at my friend's house and h

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RiverLight

Move on Down the Road..

I am moving on. I had a first date last night with someone... granted we're not really all that compatible, but since I am just going to casually date and not fall in love, it almost doesn't matter. He was very flirtatious with me, and we had fun. Then next week I have a date with someone else, a second date, that I'm looking forward to. This one is much more compatible with me, but I am still going to keep it casual. No more getting involved, as I've been writing about. I am 100% convinced that

RiverLight

RiverLight

It's Darkest Before Dawn

Each day is a brand new day. A new opportunity presents itself with each and every day. Each day can be viewed as a personal rebirth of sorts.  It's a chance to start over, a chance to start anew. Put the old crap behind you, take a step forward and embrace a new life. That is how I am going to view each day and today especially. I want to put all the crap behind me now and begin fresh. It's darkest before dawn as they say... I feel this is so true in life. The sun is shining today, and I want t

RiverLight

RiverLight

In Love With Me or Not?

So based on my last blog entry, now I am wondering whether he is in love with me or not. He said he is, then backtracked, then disappeared entirely saying it's unhealthy for me to even be friends with him. If you're falling in love with someone, wouldn't you want to still be in touch with that person? Wouldn't it be hard to stay away? And wouldn't you want to carry it through and see where it leads? There is no feeling in the world like being in love. You're floating in the air and in the clouds

RiverLight

RiverLight

Complete Mind Screw ~ Love is Cruel

We met on an online site and first were friends. We talked deeply about issues, our life issues and about life, and became close fast. He helped me through my recent breakup, bolstered my confidence, validated me and supported me. I came to value and trust him as a friend. We exchanged random facts about our lives which was his creative idea and fun. I felt really connected to him. Then we talked on Skype and video Skyped and I became attracted to him immediately. He was so cute, attractive and

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RiverLight

Can't Work, Can't Focus, Can't Eat

Something is seriously wrong with me. I am still not eating, and it's been weeks of this. I can't focus on my work either. I have a big interview on Thursday that I have to prep for, and truly hope I can bring myself into focus enough to actually sit down and do the work this evening or at some point today. It's going to be a big challenge, but I know if I set my mind to it, I can do it. Maybe I'm dragging my heels because I know this interview will be particurly grueling. An expert is interview

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RiverLight

If It Makes You Happier

So I've let go of some friendships of past that no longer served me well. This is a song about keeping just those precious ones in your life, or letting go of the toxic ones (in my own interpretation!). I am so very grateful for all the wonderful, amazing friends I have in my life now. Say goodbye Lose your friends Make them go Don't need them around Cause it's time Lose your friends Make them go Was never supposed to be like this By now you took what was to take Tear

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RiverLight

Happy Heart, Happy Mind =)

Today I feel very happy and my heart is too. Something happened all for the better, turning things around, and I am grateful and happy about it. I feel like singing! I do want to learn guitar and sing in a band one day. I knew my ex wouldn't support me in this because he would have been paranoid about men liking me, but now I can pursue it without stupid ridiculous jealousies getting in the way. Last night I attempted guitar at a friend's house who is a really good and experienced musician. He c

RiverLight

RiverLight

Wanting the Deepest, True Love of my Life

I've dated plenty and have had plenty of relationships. At this stage in my life and at the age of 45, I am ready to find that truly special someone to be with for the rest of my life. I'm tired of just perpetually "dating". I've come close to marriage several times, I've talked about marriage with many partners, and was even engaged once briefly, but no one "fit the bill". It was never completely right for lifelong, and I knew it somewhere inside me that it wouldn't last. Plus, I am very free-s

RiverLight

RiverLight

Emotional Pain

Something has sent me into a dark pit of emotional hurt and pain. An old wound has been opened up, and now is just raw all over again. I'm scratching at it, but I don't know what it is. It's from childhood, I can tell since it's an old one and rears it's ugly head once in a while. I don't like the way I'm feeling right now, and all I feel is pain and sadness. I just want to cry my eyes out and sit in a pool of tears with the covers over my head, the lights off and the shades drawn. My childhood

RiverLight

RiverLight

My Personal Healing Journey ~

My own personal and deep inner healing journey began about four years ago while living in New Mexico. I was in a graduate school program studying holistic counseling psychology, which was an alternative healing program. Our duty in the first year was to be our own client, under the premise that you cannot be a good or effective counselor without first addressing your own issues. The curriculum centered around this principle, and all of our assignments involved a personal journey of exploration a

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RiverLight

Loving Heart ~ Love to My Friends

My heart last night and this morning has been so full of love for everyone it is bursting. I feel so full in my spirit, simply because of loving people. I love all of my friends. I love all of my close DF friends. Everyone is just so dear to me. So many have helped me along my path of life, and so many have brought joy, laughter, and support in my life, I am so very grateful. Thinking back on all the memories with my IRL friends, and how much I value those fun times we've had. My friend, Stacy,

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RiverLight

Control and Abuse

My therapist enlightened me last night about my not eating lately. She said it's about regaining control since I just went through an abusive and very controlling relationship. She said by not eating, I am trying to take control back into my life, just like people with eating disorders do. Luckily, I am not anorexic and don't have that mentality. I have a realistic body image; anorexics have a very distorted body image. And this is not about trying to be super skinny. In fact, I prefer to have s

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RiverLight

Food Motivator ~ A Big Fat Juicy Burger!

Eating more is on my mind since I am currently not eating and have lost weight. I'm already thin enough and probably don't need to lose weight! I snack on cheese whenever I'm about to faint, and am drinking tons of water to fill myself up instead of actual food. I do not really know all that's going on here and need to talk it over with my therapist tonight.. I also hope that I can get back to a normal eating pattern soon. Yesterday & the day before I was more hopeful since I ate full meals,

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RiverLight

5 AM and Wide Awake

I don't know how to feel. I woke up at 3:30 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I feel tortured by something, it's gnawing at me and I can't let it go. Hence why I can't sleep, but I don't know what it is. I've been thinking about how life sometimes is just not fair. How come life loves to throw monkey wrenches and curve balls, give things to you and then take them away? I had a great job offer I could have taken, then when I tried to negotiate more benefits, they took the job offer away, saying I

RiverLight

RiverLight

On the Mend ~ Heart Healing ~ Loving Kindness

I think I am now on the mend. I ate two full meals yesterday finally and am proud of myself! Self-starvation is not healthy and that's what I've been doing to myself for two weeks now. My heart has been hurt badly, but now healing is occurring and I am feeling a bit better. Certainly not 100% after experiencing abuse for the umpteenth time, but I want to try and stop blaming myself for making a bad decision. And that's what I've doing by not eating... self punishment. I ignored the huge glaring

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RiverLight

Turning the Tide ~ Female Empowerment ~ Healing

Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon, We are shakin' the tree Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon, We are shakin' the tree Waiting your time, dreaming of a better life Waiting your time, you're more than just a wife You don't want to do what your mother has done She has done This is your life, this new life has begun It's your day - a woman's day It's your day - a woman's day Turning the tide, you are on the incoming wave Turning the tide, you know you are nobody's slave Who can hear al

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RiverLight

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