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About this blog

My life has had so many ups and downs. I have followed the road less traveled all my life, meaning my own individual path. This is a blog about those ups and downs and being on the road less traveled. 

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Entries in this blog

SIGH.... My Mother is Intruding on Wedding Plans

UGH. My mother wants me to wear her garter belt for my non-traditional wedding???? We have no guests! She also today told me I should wear our family jewelry. I don't want to! I bought a gorgeous jewelry headpiece to wear, a turquoise and blue flowery type of headpiece, and I want the rest of my jewelry to be turquoise topaz to match. I saw a gorgeous earring and necklace set on Etsy today that I'd love to buy.  The bottom line is that my mother is upset she is not attending the wedding, an

RiverLight

RiverLight

Shamanic Healing From Past Abuse & PTSD

I did a Shamanic healing this week for past abuse and my PTSD. She did a "soul retrieval" for me, which means bringing yourself back to wholeness after abuse. I now cannot stop crying.... I started bawling during one of the sessions and woke up bawling this morning. I think my body is releasing all of the pain I have carried around deep within me from all of my past abuse. I didn't expect to be crying and she didn't inform me that that would happen, but it did.  I lean towards Shamanism for

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Screwed Over.... Again

Well, he canceled the trip on me, and I have no idea why. Third time in a row that I've been screwed over in a relationship. I am beside myself with upset. Yesterday I was suicidal for the first time in months, and now I am not eating again I am so upset. What the hell happened I have no idea, but he changed his mind. Maybe he got scared, but it's no excuse. Plus now I am out $300 in airfare which is non-refundable. He could at least pay me half, but now he won't respond to any of my messages be

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Screw Him.. Screw the Asshol.es in This World

I am so done with asshol.es in my life. F them and F him. I seem to be a magnet for these types. This last one has put me over the edge, and I am just DONE with people now. He attacked me because I said something he didn't like, or really because I called him out on his poor behaviors, so he went on the attack, accusing me and going for some type of psycho babble nonsense, when in fact he's the one who abused our friendship... also saying basically that I deserve to be treated poorly.. that it's

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RiverLight

Salvaging the marriage

My husband and I are trying again. He starts his individual therapy next week, and I am to give him a list of things to work on in therapy (he asked me for this list). It's interesting how this occurred. I had gone out with another man one night while my husband and I were still separated. This man kissed me goodnight and then left, and I burst into tears, thinking about my husband. Then I went to a concert without my husband for the first time, we ran into each other at the concert and said hel

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RiverLight

Sadness ~ Lost a Friend

Just learned that the bass player of our favorite local band died suddenly. He was maybe 30 years old. If it weren't for his band, me and my fiance never would have met or fallen in love. I am SO sad. I'm in shock -- we all are. The wake is Monday and the whole family of friends will be there. This is unbelievably sad. We even talked with him about playing at our wedding party. 😢

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RiverLight

Rolling With the Punches

Well, I got laid off from one of my jobs on Friday. Wooohooooo -- NOT. I need that income to afford an apartment right now. Hopefully I can qualify for partial unemployment, but I am not thrilled at the timing. This is the worst timing since I need to find a place to live. BUT, I am rolling with the punches, since that's how my life has been lately. First, I was partially laid off in June; next, they demoted me in my job; and now, I've been fully laid off. Thank God I just got another job offer

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Retaliation from my Wretched Boss?

My boss today upon my return to work tried to deny me access to two essential tools I need in order to do my job properly. She knows I need and use these tools and cut me off from having access to them while on a leave of absence. So today I had to put down my foot with her and explain that these are essential for me to perform my job. She finally granted me access. I wonder if this was a bit of retaliation against me for winning and that she is now bitter towards me because HR is watching over

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RiverLight

Remnants of Abuse

His cruel words and accusations haunt me sometimes. "You belong in a straight jacket!", "You're bi-polar and totally crazy!", "Who would want you?" These still echo in my mind, even years later. His hideous words hurt me so much at the time. It doesn't help that Tony, our mutual friend, tells me exactly what M still says about me. I told him to stop telling me these things, that it doesn't help my recovery. And I am still recovering from the most horrid abusive relationship I have ever been in.

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RiverLight

Religion ~ Is There a God?

I was a Comparative Religion major in college. I studied and compared world religions in an anthropological, analytical sort of way. No matter what your faith is, it is not right or wrong, whether that be atheist, pagan, Catholic, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim or so forth. I personally tend to think that atheists are a bit short-sighted to not think that there is something much greater than them governing the universe, yet I can understand why someone may not believe in a "God". After all, to beli

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RiverLight

Reinvent Yourself... With Your Head up High..

A song that moves and inspires me every time I am down about my life or my own shortcomings and losses. This song gives ms strength to hold on and keep going. It inspires me to pick myself up again each and every time I fall down. Hope it inspires you, too. Reinvent Yourself, Chris Chickering When you're all alone and cryin' in a doorway And you haven't got a second chance to lose When you've tried it all, and hit the wall and dyin' And you're on your own, with nothing left to

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Regret

I regret taking this job. I am challenged more than I've been in a LONG time. Years. I not only have to learn several technical tools, I have to learn advanced Excel and Powerpoint, plus advanced strategies in my role. I cannot do this, I feel. I feel anxious all the time now during work. I wish I could go back in time and I wish I had turned down the job. I miss my former cushy job, but there I wouldn't learn much. This is what I need to learn. I know this. But I am not happy about it. Being ch

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Recruiters Suck

I put up with recruiters because I have to while job searching, but my conclusion is, they all suck. I get contacted all the time, every day, by a different recruiter and typically for a role that is not applicable to my skill set. They find one keyword in my resume that matches their search and they think that means I'm a match for the role. I know I know... the wider the net they cast, the more potential applicants, but don't contact me for roles that don't even apply to me! Analytics Engineer

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Really Down About Myself

I am feeling really down about myself and very low atm. I react very strongly to some things, mostly when I am hurt or offended by someone; sometimes I even overreact and then say hurtful or angry things back. Fight or flight response.. well I fight back. I don't like this about myself. I have been abused and bullied a lot in my life and I stand up for myself against it (well, most times). I wonder if my reactivity has something to do with that history? But I have a kind heart, I am a good pe

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RiverLight

Rays of Hope

Today I received an interview invitation for a role I applied for yesterday. In my darkest hours, I was able to muster up an application for a job. This gives me a ray of hope in my otherwise gloomy state. Yesterday was the worst day I've had in two years. My depression was at an all time high. That has lifted somewhat with the prospect of an interview and after a good night's sleep. I don't stay depressed for too long, which is a good thing about my own depression. It comes and goes and lifts a

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Quotes of Inspiration

“A bit of advice Given to a young Native American At the time of his initiation: As you go the way of life, You will see a great chasm. Jump. It is not as wide as you think.” “You enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path. Where there is a way or path, it is someone else's path. You are not on your own path. If you follow someone else's way, you are not going to realize your potential.” “We're not on our journey to save the world but to save

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RiverLight

Quit Smoking ~ The Psychology of Smoking

So I haven't posted here in a long while. My now fiance and I both quit smoking and are vaping instead. Yes, we're now engaged and are living together!! So back to the topic... we quit smoking but have both cheated together with cigarettes now and again. We're making note of the differences between cigarettes and vaping. There really is no difference because you're getting the nicotine but with a really nice delicious flavor like Nerdz candy or strawberry and watermelon jolly rancher flavor. The

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RiverLight

PTSD Rears It's Ugly Head

Why am I so afraid to disagree? Or have a confrontation? My PTSD gets ignited over the thought of either. I am afraid of my boss, I am afraid of going back to work and confronting the awful situation with her. I am afraid of disagreeing with this recruiter on his approach to my interviews. What is wrong with disagreeing anyways? And what is wrong with putting your foot down when you do disagree? I am an adult and should be able to handle disagreements at this point. I would like to diplomaticall

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Post Honeymoon ~ Reality of Work Life

I am coming down from an amazing wedding/honeymoon/vacation and it was a tough crash landing back to reality. Work? Really?? We were driven around by our three butlers at our resort all week, sipping on frozen mudslides and banana rum drinks, swimming in the warm ocean and pools and lapping it up in our soaking tub on the balcony overlooking palm trees and the calming ocean. You cannot beat luxury living, and that's what we had. Then back to the work grind. The last two weeks of work have been b

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RiverLight

Positivity in the Face of Adversity

Today is a brand new day. I am choosing the positive over the negative and am embracing positivity in the face of adversity. It really has been a s***ty few weeks starting with a car accident costing me $500, almost getting frauded out of $5200 by thieves, then losing a supposed good friend & getting treated poorly by him, then getting turned down for a job I really wanted. I've had it, but I still see the silver linings through all this crap and am thankful for them.... I still have my job,

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RiverLight

Positivity

In my interview, the VP of HR asked me where my positive attitude came from and I said my father. He is one of the most positive, forward thinking people I know and it rubbed off on me. So right now, I am trying to have a positive attitude no matter what the outcome is with this job. If I have to return to my abusive boss and awful job, it will just be temporary until I can find something else. Sure, it will be a setback and terrible disappointment for sure, and I will probably despair at the th

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RiverLight

Positive Changes At Work!

WOW. So, now I am in charge of social media marketing strategy for three clients! A BIG CHANGE!!!!!! I am very flattered I was given this responsibility! I will still carry my other digital marketing role, but it will now be split between the two. All I had to do was present to my team a few concrete ideas on how it should be done, and voila! I was given the responsibility. I am sure it helps that I have a FB page for business and am very successful with it. But I am VERY happy that I

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RiverLight

Poisonous, Venomous Ex Factor Creeps Up Again

The only thought that brightened my day when I first woke up is that I get to see my boyfriend in just one week's time. It was the first thought I had and that made me feel really excited and happy!!! Other than that, I am still shaking off the abuse that occurred with my most recent ex last night over email. It really shook me up pretty bad. My PTSD got triggered big time. I am much calmer now than I was last night, but it did take several glasses of win.e and an Ativan for me to stop shakin

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RiverLight

People Disappoint Me

I am tired of getting disappointed by people's actions. Some people don't behave the way you'd expect them to, then they end up hurting someone or causing damage somehow. And some leave an entire path of destruction behind them, with bodies strewn along their path as though some kind of cyclone had whipped through. Why people cannot just be decent to one another is beyond my comprehension. Why people cannot treat each other as they too want to be treated is beyond my comprehension. Being disappo

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RiverLight

Peaceful Home ~ Home Sweet Home

I feel perfectly at home in my new apartment. I am at peace. It is SO nice to have a refuge that is sheer happiness and joy. The cats are fun and adorable. They keep me company while I work. My boyfriend works a lot of hours, but when he comes home, it's like a happy little sanctuary for him. We have candles all over the apartment and incense for ambiance. I haven't felt this relaxed in ages and ages. Our new TV table arrives today. Yesterday it was a new brightly colored handwoven rug that w

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