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About this blog

My life has had so many ups and downs. I have followed the road less traveled all my life, meaning my own individual path. This is a blog about those ups and downs and being on the road less traveled. 

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Entries in this blog

Thank You Pain, Thank you Disillionment

How 'bout getting off these antibiotics How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots How 'bout that ever elusive kudo Thank you India Thank you terror Thank you disillusionment Thank you frailty Thank you consequence Thank you thank you silence How 'bout me not blaming you for everything How 'bout me enjoying the moment for once How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you How 'bout grieving it all one at a time

RiverLight

RiverLight

Really Down About Myself

I am feeling really down about myself and very low atm. I react very strongly to some things, mostly when I am hurt or offended by someone; sometimes I even overreact and then say hurtful or angry things back. Fight or flight response.. well I fight back. I don't like this about myself. I have been abused and bullied a lot in my life and I stand up for myself against it (well, most times). I wonder if my reactivity has something to do with that history? But I have a kind heart, I am a good pe

RiverLight

RiverLight

Disappointed, Hurt and Disgruntled

Someone I deeply care about has let me down and I am upset. He is isolating and shutting me out and that just hurts. I feel a little heartbroken. He is not interested in a relationship with me, which is fine. I had a romantic interest in him that was growing pretty strong, and he felt the same way, or so I thought. We became very close and connected on many deeper levels, and now that's gone suddenly. Just after trying to make plans together, he suddenly did a 180 and declares he's not ready to

RiverLight

RiverLight

Go Away With Your Poisonous Negativity!

Self-hating mean, envious, angry and jealous people irk me to no end. They try to topple you down and tear you down because you're better than they are and they know it. They are filled with self-hatred and self-loathing and need to spread their poison everywhere to make themselves feel better or more superior. I loathe this type of person with every fiber of my soul. I have no respect whatsoever for someone whose own sense of inferiority causes them to bully, ridicule, attack, accuse, and blame

RiverLight

RiverLight

Closing the Book, Starting a New One!

It's a new beginning for me in life, a new chapter to start in a brand new book. I can write it however I want and that's super exciting! I want to do things radically different now, & I want to approach dating very differently than I have all of my life. I have always settled for FAR less than what I truly deserve. I don't know where that comes from.... Lack of confidence? Lack of self-love? I think probably the latter! I need to embrace how amazing I truly am in a self-love kind of way, an

RiverLight

RiverLight

The List of 77 Negative Items

So I've developed a list of items of all the abusive things my ex did plus all the things I didn't like about him or couldn't relate to. The list is growing because I keep thinking of new things, but so far I have 77 items!!!!! This is a GREAT way to get over someone FAST, trust me. To read this list in its entirety from top to bottom, I am like, what the hell was I ever doing with this guy???? Not only that but he treated his ex girlfriend (my close friend) like complete CRAP and in a very u

RiverLight

RiverLight

6 AM Ramblings

I woke up at 6 AM. GRRRR. The Wellbutrin I'm on wakes me up early now and I love sleeping as late as possible. So this is a rambling entry before I've had any coffee. I do feel sooo much better, but am still processing the emotional and verbal abuse I endured with my ex. I developed a list of over 50 items listing out all that he did that was bad/wrong/mistreatment of me. New ones come every day. He said I treated him like he's some sort of monster in the end. That was in his pleading email to g

RiverLight

RiverLight

FREEDOM!!!!

I am blessed! I danced last night and felt so free, so unburdened, like the chains of bondage have been finally broken and I am a free bird again, spreading my wings and flying high. I was ecstatic to dance again, to get out my energy, to feel my spirit again and to feel so good inside. I feel like myself again, no longer burdened and chained down by extreme jealousy and insecurity. I was being held down and held back. Now I can have my male friendships freely without worry, guilt or anxiety. I

RiverLight

RiverLight

Child of a Narcissistic Father

My father was/is narcissistic. No wonder I've been involved with so many narcissists! I am now seeing how much damage this did to me internally and externally. I am used to or was used to not getting my emotional needs met. I have been used to bowing down to the narcissist's self-centered behavior, i.e. my father's and other narcissists in my life. I am using to my needs being neglected, or even criticized. To this day, my father still criticizes me when I have an emotional need. He cannot be th

RiverLight

RiverLight

Onwards and Upwards!

I am moving on. It feels good! It has now been a full week since my breakup, and I feel pretty much over it. I know I will still be processing the experience, and will probably still go through emotional upset about it, but I am feeling much better. I know I can handle this, overcome and move forward in a much healthier way. I feel empowered and enriched. I feel strong in my convictions about it. I am seeing new things each day about him that show his poor character, and I am really turned off.

RiverLight

RiverLight

Who Cares

Who cares how he feels, what he is thinking, what he doing, how he is reacting, or who he will get involved with. I am done caring. He has infected me with his poison, and I am releasing it. I do not need this, and I do not need him to occupy any of my head space for free. I have given my heart and soul to him, and he stomped on it. He raped and pillaged me mentally and emotionally. He deprived me of a voice. I had no equal voice. F him and the horse he rode in on!!

RiverLight

RiverLight

The Narcissist

A narcissist, or someone with narcissistic traits, infects and poisons all those around them. They have no empathy, their motives are always selfishly oriented, they lie, the manipulate, they deny fault, and are superior, beyond reproach or constructive criticism. Everyone else is always at fault or to blame. They care only about themselves and their own feelings, and not another's. They will stomp on you ruthlessly, and treat you ruthlessly. They are cold-hearted, cold-blooded, ruthless animals

RiverLight

RiverLight

Guilt is Gone!

No more guilt. He made his bed, now he must lie in it. Karma baby, karma!!! LOL. I can have compassion for him and feel sorry for him, pity him even, but not feel guilty. He knows not what he does... he is ignorant of his actions. He will never change, I do believe, but that is no longer my problem. I am now wondering WHY I was willing to go to couples' therapy with him to mainly confront him about his emotional abuse and work on his own issues. We weren't even married or living together! What w

RiverLight

RiverLight

Healthy Mind, Healthy Spirit

The last two days I've been suffering from guilt. Guilt in knowing that my ex is hurting, and that I, in part, caused that pain. I am very compassionate and don't like causing others pain. However, he created this bed for himself, and now must lie in it. His email to me the other day was mainly all about HIS feelings rather than any concern for my own. He tried to pull on my heartstrings and instill guilt in me for hurting him. How manipulative. So if I allow myself to feel guilty, I am feeding

RiverLight

RiverLight

Honesty, Awakening

I am now seeing things much more clearly about my ex and what happened. I suppose that's why they call it 20-20 hindsight. I was in a very vulnerable position when we first got involved, and I dismissed several big red flags because I was so completely desperate for an escape from my miserable existence. I wanted companionship and an escape from my depressed life. I was very lonely in my life and had few friends to hang out with. I had just been through an eight-month cycle of suicidal depressio

RiverLight

RiverLight

Letting Go ~

So my ex is now out of my life. I am relieved & feel much more free and happier, but I am also concerned that I have hurt him deeply. I know I have. I could tell in his email. I hate hurting people. It hurts me to know I have caused someone pain. But the pain was inevitable. He hurt me, and I hurt him in return by shutting the door on abuse and shutting the door on him. It's going to be really hard when I do run into him, which could be often. I think I should move across the country! I am g

RiverLight

RiverLight

I Choose... Happiness!

OK, so we broke up, but today I choose happiness. Initially I felt a sh*tload of pain. That's all I felt was pain. It hurt so badly. Then I realized the primary source of my pain was the abuse I had endured, not necessarily the loss of him. Four days later I am feeling a whole lot better and am embracing my newfound freedom. He restricted me so much to the point of telling me how much I could communicate with my male friends when he, mind you, has an ex-girlfriend that contacts him fairly freque

RiverLight

RiverLight

Abuse Throwback

UGH! JUST as I was starting to feel better today, embrace my newfound freedom and make a turn, my ex texts me asking to talk. He said he was very frustrated on Sat and wanted to apologize, and make things civil between us when we run into each other. I debated about whether I should respond or not, opening myself up potentially to more abuse. And my mistake? I responded. I told him on no uncertain terms that he was emotionally and verbally abusive, that I don't wish for him to contact me, that h

RiverLight

RiverLight

Beating Myself Up ~ Emotional Abuse

Now having realized more fully that I was being abused in my relationship I am beating myself up. I saw and recognized the abuse long ago, yet what did I do? Instead of leaving him, I went to his therapy appt with him to address it head on. I wanted him to "see" the error of his ways and change his behavior. How stupid of me. I know better than that. Abusers rarely see what they're doing and rarely change. In fact, abuse statistically worsens over time, which is what I experienced. His control t

RiverLight

RiverLight

Finding Myself Again

So after an emotionally abusive relationship, I must find myself again.... feel my freedom and embrace it fully. I am a free spirit at heart. I need someone who will absolutely love that about me and embrace it, not squelch it. If I hug a male at a concert that I just met, it's because that's who I am. I am warm, open hearted and friendly with males and females alike. I have the Dead head love bug thing. I am a hippy at heart too. I love people. So what's wrong with that? My boyfriend couldn't d

RiverLight

RiverLight

Very Painful Breakup ~ Severely Disappointed

I am processing this break up. Today I feel very heartbroken, in a lot of emotional pain, and very disappointed. We talked about going to couples' therapy for months now. And he's been willing all this time. Then suddenly he changed his tune yesterday and said what good would it do. I feel he threw in the towel, so I broke up with him. I know what the problem is -- -he's not willing to take responsibility for his behaviors and reactions that were causing huge problems in our relationship. He was

RiverLight

RiverLight

Boyfriend Ramblings ~ Torn and Conflicted

I am having strong doubts about my relationship and feel conflicted. He now says that my relationship with my DF friend makes our own relationship less special---that he thought he was my main support, and now that I have someone else to go to, it lessens the specialiness of our relationship, in his mind. That to me is ridiculous. My online DF friendship cannot replace my IRL relationship. My boyfriend does support me as much as he can throughout the day while he's working, but it's not enough.

RiverLight

RiverLight

The Boyfriend Saga Continues

After his 180-degree turnaround, my boyfriend now says in fact he still is not OK with me talking to my male DF friend, and is distancing himself from me because of it. He says that he thought he was my primary and main support, and that I no longer need him because I have other support and specifically, a male. What????? ***? How big is this guy's ego anyways? Can't I have other friends to lean on? Does he really think that he should be my only support during the day? He works and is very busy

RiverLight

RiverLight

This Week Has Sucked

Despite my best efforts, this week has truly sucked. My boss's complete lack of communication is getting to me.... the way she runs this company is getting to me. It's horrible. Now I feel desperate all over again to leave. I am discouraged about the job search. I keep receiving rejections and wonder when the right one will come along. I am sick of this process... it's exhausting. I feel I have done everything except for cold calling companies & begging them to give me a job.   I owe a

RiverLight

RiverLight

Time to be Productive!

I thought of a new avenue to try for job searching. Why I hadn't thought of this before is beyond me. Social media! Of course! I have active LI, Twitter and G+ accounts with a significant following in my field, which I can expand to include companies I am interested in & additional experts in my field. Then I can start posting about relevant topics, sharing expert articles and tips and see where it leads me. Maybe I can attract an employer this way? I am sick and tired of chasing employers d

RiverLight

RiverLight

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