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A New Look
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About this blog

My life has had so many ups and downs. I have followed the road less traveled all my life, meaning my own path different than the average bear. This is a blog about those ups and downs and being on the road less traveled.

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Entries in this blog

 

Onto Happier Things!

Our wedding is coming up! I talked to a wedding planner last weekend about all the details. OMG -- this is going to be opulent! We're getting the royal treatment, it's absolutely amazing and I cannot wait to get there. We're having a special candlelit dinner that evening, breakfast in bed with mimosas served the next morning, they're giving me orchids for my flowers, and so much more.  Here's the location we chose -- on the ocean! 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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Through Tough Times, Have Things to Look Forward To

This is going to be long. Both my fiance and I are having a rough time right now. Together, we are doing great and are strong, so that's not an issue. But we are both facing enormous and mounting work stress. His job is now 100% commission and his checks have significantly dwindled lately, to no fault of his own but due to dysfunction within the company. He is beyond stressed about the dwindling income, naturally, which makes things harder for us financially. I am very stressed about my own job because my plate is overfull with clients and due to the structure of our work. I won't get into the details, but it's far too much, and this week I spoke with HR, the CEO and my boss about it in a meeting that was called because of the issue I was having.  Now I don't know if there will be negative repercussions from that meeting, which worries me a bit. Beforehand, HR told me that the CEO respects me. I am the most senior person in my group and department, I am doing great according to my boss and HR, and when I first arrived, my boss point blank asked me for my input and feedback on how they do things and whether they can be done differently or better. So after learning the ropes, I finally spoke up and gave them my feedback.  When I spoke with HR after this group meeting, it seemed that I may not have gotten my point across in the way I had originally intended and that perhaps I did not express myself in the best way to the CEO about the issue I was having. However, my boss is now working with me on ways to resolve the issues I brought to the table, so at least something positive came out of it. But the writing is on the wall for me there: I have to leave -- bottom line. After seven months, I've decided the place is dysfunctional, it's a high burnout work environment that loses more employees than it hires, and I am no longer happy there. That is OK, but I am VERY eager to get out. Having one foot out the door, or really, both feet, helps me to feel much better about it though. It's just a short-lived pain I have to endure. I know I am a very strong person and that I can handle this, but I need to rely on my coping skills and on some days, I feel I am about to break down and lose it.  Now, on top of our individual work stress, my fiance is also facing massive daily migraines that won't go away, a shoulder injury that has resurfaced, and an unhealed and painful broken toe. He's in immense physical pain and agony every day recently. This has come on suddenly, during the last week or two. He thinks his shoulder injury was exacerbated while shoveling. The migraines he believes are due to his work stress. He is very strong though through this, which I admire about him. He still maintains his sense of humor through the pain, which is absolutely amazing to me. I wouldn't be able to withstand that level of pain and I would be in tears, but he has a much higher threshold than I do. I am pretty blown away by his strength, and I honestly need this right now or else I would completely crumble. I need him to be strong. I cannot shoulder my stress, his stress and his physical pain all by myself.  So today I have decided that I am going to think of all that I have to look forward to that will help me cope with all the stress. We will have a beautiful Valentines Day celebration later this week, I have a paid holiday next Monday the 18th, we have several amazing concerts coming up in March and April, and then in May, we get married and go on vacation for a full week. This is how I cope-- I need fun activities and breaks to look forward to.  And today I will also apply for a job that couldn't be more perfect for me. In fact, it's the exact role I decided I want. So I'm putting my effort into that application, which will also help me to feel better. I think I will aim to apply for a job once a week, if possible.  Also today I am going to put on my most positive attitude and embrace everything that is positive and good. I am completely dreading work tomorrow & this week due to client calls I must hold, but I can get through this, as I have always have. At least my fiance and I have each other, and we keep saying that. As long as we have each other, we can make it. Plus, we have many things to look forward to!!!!  So, on that note, I must wrap up and start my day. Valuable takeaway: when going through rough times, line up and schedule fun activities and breaks for yourself that you can look forward to and which will help ease the stress. 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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Applied for a New Job

It's a stretch and probably fierce competition, but I applied for an editorial role with a top publication company in my industry. It involves public speaking, NOT my forte, and lots of travel across the globe maybe 7 times a year, but what they heck, I figured why not try and put my hat in the ring to see what happens??? I want a different role and need it badly. I like my current job for some reasons, but I don't like my actual position anymore. I want and need something different and I love to write. I would be thrilled to land an interview! That would be quite a feat!!! I pretty much qualify except for the public speaking aspect. We'll see!  Happy Superbowl Sunday!
RiverLight

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Honeymoon/Vacation in 3 Months!

OMG, this cannot come soon enough. One month down, 3 more to go!!!! I cannot wait. I just bought my wedding earrings, which I absolutely adore!!!! They're beautiful, with a crystal butterfly, flowers and pearls. They're perfect for me in every way since I love butterflies and flowers.  I am counting the weeks and days until vacation. My therapist told me to pretend that I am working to go on vacation -- so that is working right now. Work sucks. LOL. I don't want to work anymore. I want to win the lottery so my husband to be and I can chill out, buy a boat and sail around the world, scuba diving and doing all sorts of fun things. All I can think about right now is FUN and having as much of it as I can. I'm gonna live it up. Well, I have to work until vacation but I am going to have a lot of fun between now and then regardless.  So here are my wedding earrings!         
RiverLight

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Vent: Senior Title/Senior Role & Unclear Expectations

So I have a Senior title now at work, but what does that mean exactly? I had a new client meeting on Friday. Normally, my boss would have attended with me, the Director of Web Services, along with an Account Manager. Neither could attend, so my company CEO came with me. However, we never discussed who would take the lead in this meeting, he or myself, and he talked about how he wanted the meeting to be conversational, rather than them just answering a bunch of questions. The Account Manager provided us with an agenda and list of questions to ask. We didn't follow the agenda whatsoever, I deferred to the CEO to run the meeting, and the meeting ended up going completely awry. We didn't get many of our questions answered that were on the formal agenda, which by the way, had been sent over to the client. So now we look completely disorganized! I walked out feeling very confused about the expectations of my role as well as disgruntled because now I have to get those questions answered somehow, after the fact. So I have to clean up the mess.  And what was the expectation? Was I supposed to lead the meeting? Was I supposed to take the initiative? Was the CEO expecting me to?  I need to talk to my boss when he returns on Tuesday. I need to know what they expect of me, but also I am very frustrated because now we look bad in front of the client. When you create an agenda and send it to the client, the client is going to expect us to follow that agenda. And we didn't!  Honestly, I could have run this meeting myself. I was prepared to and would have done it just fine, even if there were 9 of them and 1 of me. I feel the CEO got in the way of the whole process! And why did he not ask me to lead? Why did he allow that to happen where very few of our questions were answered?  I've been told that he gets his hands into everyone else's business, and in this case, I felt he did. He needs to run the company, not be attending client meetings that his staff is supposed to handle.  I also feel they didn't trust that I would be able to handle it. This is also why I deferred to the CEO. I assumed that he wanted to lead it since he was attending, and why not since he's the CEO in charge of everything?  GRRRRR. It's frustrating! 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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Life is Far Too Short

On the heels of my last entry, I am reflective about the shortness and fragility of life. I just lost another friend out of the blue. I've lost many people in my life to illness and/or sudden tragedy. Every time I lose someone, it makes me reflective. And I realize how precious and short life truly can be, as cliche as that is to say. We never know what's going to happen or when we may go. It could be tomorrow, it could be years from now.  Life is far too short to hold onto pettiness, grudges and anger. Life is far too short to spend it being unhappy and miserable. My aim is to be happy -- always and no matter what is going on around me. I want to live my life to the fullest and enjoy every precious moment I have.  I am not ready to go yet. I want to live and I want to live a long life. I have much more to do, to see and accomplish. I have many more adventures to go on. I pray my fiance remains healthy and lives a long life with me. I want to grow old together. But I realize that something could happen that would change absolutely everything. Life can be turned upside down at the flip of a dime. So cherish your loved ones, let go of grudges and forgive others, be happy, live in the moment and soak it up for all it's worth. It's never going to come around again, this moment in time. It is to be cherished, valued and appreciated. This moment is all we have. Right now. Life is short. RIP Jon. 
RiverLight

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Sadness ~ Lost a Friend

Just learned that the bass player of our favorite local band died suddenly. He was maybe 30 years old. If it weren't for his band, me and my fiance never would have met or fallen in love. I am SO sad. I'm in shock -- we all are. The wake is Monday and the whole family of friends will be there. This is unbelievably sad. We even talked with him about playing at our wedding party. 😢
RiverLight

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Dilemma over wedding dress!

I can’t make up my mind! I’m browsing but I already own a near perfect dress for a beach wedding. All traditional styles don’t suit me. I found a few online I fell in love with, but I can’t buy it online, even with it custom made, can I?? I’m just in a dilemma and am not sure what I want!  Here's the headpiece I may wear! And the dress! 
RiverLight

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SIGH.... My Mother is Intruding on Wedding Plans

UGH. My mother wants me to wear her garter belt for my non-traditional wedding???? We have no guests! She also today told me I should wear our family jewelry. I don't want to! I bought a gorgeous jewelry headpiece to wear, a turquoise and blue flowery type of headpiece, and I want the rest of my jewelry to be turquoise topaz to match. I saw a gorgeous earring and necklace set on Etsy today that I'd love to buy.  The bottom line is that my mother is upset she is not attending the wedding, and she wants to be involved somehow, but that involvement is now evolving into her being somewhat controlling about what I wear at my own wedding?! I am a bit annoyed, even though I am 100% compassionate towards her given her feelings. I, too, want to involve her, but I want to wear what I want, not what she wants!!!! It IS my wedding after all, right??? And it should be exactly how my fiance and I want it to be, not how others want it to be, right??? Isn't that my right here? Especially given that WE are paying for the whole thing ourselves???? I am a bit beside myself.  ARGH. Why does this have to be so difficult when it comes to family? 
RiverLight

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Leave Ego at the Door

For the first time in many years I am mentoring junior staff at work. I was really flattered yesterday when my colleague asked if he could sit in on my training with the junior staff member so that he could also learn something from me. This colleague I think of as my equal, even though I am more senior to him in our job titles. And in some ways, he knows a LOT more than I do. We can all learn from each other and we all carry certain strengths.  They/the company really looks to me as though I am some sort of expert though in one particular area of my work. Funny thing is I've never considered myself an expert. I am continuously learning how to do things the right way, I am always experimenting and tweaking my strategies, and I don't feel as though I know what I am doing half the time, but I suppose I do or else I wouldn't be successful in my job right now. I don't give myself enough credit for what I DO know. I suppose I am super humble? That cannot be a bad thing. I believe that humility is a very positive quality to own -- I am naturally humble, but I also have trouble having full confidence in my abilities. But I know I am intelligent, I do figure out complex issues, I overcome most - if not all - stumbling blocks, and I achieve top rankings for my clients, so maybe it wouldn't hurt me to feel a bit more proud of my accomplishments and confident in my abilities. I guess I don't have a big ego -- I never have. And I cannot stand people who do  -- it's the bane of my existence -- egomaniacs. Many need to be taken down several pegs, down to reality about themselves. But me? I am pretty realistic. In my field there's SO much to know, and SO much to be learning AT ALL TIMES, that all ego must be put aside and humility embraced instead. It's a VAST field that requires a suite of skills and knowledge. It's a continuously shifting arena as well that requires constant learning. What worked yesterday no longer works today, so you have to adapt and learn new strategies at all times. So my field requires humility and a constant willingness to learn. I cannot imagine anyone being brazen enough to be egotistical in this field. And it's a highly technical field as well. Not all marketers are technical, like myself. I get by because I am intelligent enough and can figure it out as I go along, but technical is my weakest area and I am fully aware of that. So... therein lies the humility. I know my weaknesses. I also know my strengths, or I am learning more about my strengths, in my current role. They tell me I know "core SEO", whatever that means. I asked my boss what he meant by that because I had never heard that term before. He said it means that I know how to get Web pages to rank in Google based on keywords and keyword research. That is the essence of my field, I suppose, and our ultimate goal. And yes, I do achieve top rankings and ultimately, I bring in more revenue and leads for my clients, another top goal.  But I leave ego at the door because I know I need to learn SO much more in my work in order to truly be an expert. I am eight years into this field, but I cannot say that I am truly an expert. It's kind of analogous to being a very good skier, nearly expert level, without mastering the moguls yet. That's how I think of myself at work-- I am no mogul master, but I can get down the black diamond trails just fine.  Anyways, so I should have more confidence and feel good about my achievements, but I have NO ego when it comes to my work. And that's a good thing. 
RiverLight

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NYE Phish Concert ~ Amazing!!

WOW - those concerts were off the hook crazy insane. We had such an incredible time in NYC! Phish was at their best. The second night, NYE, they had acrobats on stage then at midnight thousands of balloons fell from the ceiling into the crowd. I haven’t seen them play this well in a long time - years! They jammed hard core. We danced all night ‘til our feet hurt.  It was a blast.  Now we’re driving home. The let down after NYE. But I’m on such a natural high from this experience that I can’t stop smiling. What a fantastic time!!! Now it’s home to the kitties who probably ruined the Christmas tree while we’ve been away, lol.  Here’s us pre-show and at the concert. Those are all the balloons! 
RiverLight

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WOW!

The band is on fire!!!! That was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen.. and we have another one tonight!!!! Yipppppeeeeeee!!!! 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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A New Year ~ Reflections & New Goals

I LOVE the new year. It's a time to refresh oneself, to reflect back on all that happened last year, and to gear up for new adventures and new goals.  Last year was very good to me... it was a landslide of blessings. I met my now fiance, I moved out of my parents' home into a beautiful apartment with him, we have shared a very fun and adventurous life together so far, I got a new full-time job with a huge raise in salary, and then we got engaged. And this next year? Well, we have our wedding coming up in May and a fabulous honeymoon/vacation to look forward to. I am really looking forward to a REAL vacation and need it BADLY. When we return, I want to focus on my career goals and next steps. I want to leave my job after I've been there at least a year which will be June. I am not wholly satisfied with the work I do and I want to switch directions. I am good at what I do, but I am also not so good at it in some ways. And the things I don't understand which are very challenging for me make me question my career path. I would love to get into editorial work in my field, however, I am going to TRY and put this on the back burner until after the wedding.   And NYE! We're headed to NYC for the new year celebration. I cannot wait to get out of town--I haven't been to NYC in about 15 years??? WOW. SO long. It's going to a blast. We're seeing a favorite band of ours for two nights with a ton of friends. And I have two more days off from work, Monday and Tuesday. YAY!  But then Wed it's back to the grind. I won't think about it over new years while I'm having fun, but I think I need to try and change my attitude about work. I suffer quite a bit over it and it really does feel like a grind. I don't enjoy it very much, even though there are so many positives to embrace about my job right now. Every day I have to remind myself of them as I head into the office, but I miss the luxury of working from home, which I did for ten years before this job. I just miss it. I miss my freedom. And I miss the solitude, to be honest. Yet, there are downsides to working alone at home and the upside of working in an office again is the collaboration and all the support I receive. There are pluses and minuses to everything, I suppose. I just wish I could capitalize more on my strengths in my work, and not to have to deal with where I am weakest -- which is the technical aspect. A colleague trained me on Friday on a technical tool we are supposed to use, and I was SO lost, even in the jargon and technical concepts he used. I didn't follow it at all, but pretended like I did, nodding my head in agreement. Ha. Fake it 'til you make it! But I need a role that emphasizes editing, creativity and strategy. That's where I excel. Thankfully, however, I have gotten by all these years in my field without knowing much of the technical aspects and I have succeeded. And I am succeeding so far in my job now. I even won a recognition award recently and have been asked to mentor junior staff members in a certain aspect of what we do. So that's nice. Even though I feel a lot of the times like I don't know what I am doing, I must be doing something right.  Anyways, this entry has now turned into all about work, but I suppose it's always in the back of my mind -- what am I to do? What can I do next and how can I obtain what I really want without losing salary? BIG questions.  So this next year, I am pretty much at a crossroads in my career. That's going to be my next goal.  Figure out what to do next and how to get there. Oh yeah, and lose weight so I can be at the beach in May looking sexy and fabulous! LOL.  So, on that note, a very happy new year to everyone! 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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Our First Christmas Together

This is my first Christmas with my fiance! How fun! We have a huge artificial tree (that looks real) that he bought and put up which I love. We have no ornaments, lol, but it's covered with bright lights. It looks amazing from the street through the window. Our cat loves to climb it though so we constantly have to keep her off.  Anyways, this season I've been feeling like a bit of a scrooge. The month-long holiday season is just too much for me to bare. I'd much rather just celebrate one day and one day only, not for an entire season!!!! It's been getting to me, and my office went far overboard with celebratory activities -- from a candy house making contest, to ugly Christmas sweater day, cookie baking day, the Secret Santa party within my dept, then the company-wide Yankee swap -- good Lord. It's been never-ending!  So it's our first Christmas and New Years together. We're going to NYC for New Years to see a favorite band of both of ours. Two nights of concerts, back to back. I cannot wait to get away!  Then after the holidays, it's time to diet to get ready for the wedding and honeymoon in St Lucia. I need to lose 10-15 pounds!!! I've gained weight over the last year and absolutely hate it. My fiance says I still look beautiful and sexy, but I don't feel sexy with extra weight on. Oh well. Guess that's the price you pay for happiness! We've both put on weight. He's going to diet with me. I have to gear up for this... I have not had to diet since I was 16 years old!!!  What else? Guess I am also really looking forward to a couple days off from work!!! And next weekend too. YAY! Thank goodness.  Here's our Christmas tree!  Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy holiday to all!           
RiverLight

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His mother is hurt

My fiance’s mother is hurt and upset that we’re eloping. Ugh. I didn’t want that to happen but she saw my Facebook post about it through a friend and then got upset that he didn’t tell her first. That’s on him to have done but still, it’s upsetting that she’s so upset. I don’t want to hurt or upset anyone, especially our parents. But you can’t please everyone and this wedding we decided will be on our own terms, not anyone else’s. I just have to make peace with the fact that she’s hurt. 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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St Lucia Honeymoon ~

So! We're getting the ball rolling for our elopement/wedding and honeymoon plans. Now we're pretty far settled on St Lucia in the Caribbean, and we're talking to a wedding planner. We're looking at the Sandals all inclusive package vacation/wedding deal, so now we just need to settle on dates and a room! We're looking into May. SO EXCITING!!!! Weird thing though -- they require that you arrive 3 business days ahead of your wedding date, OR you can pay $300 something for an express date of one business day prior arrival. WEIRD! Oh well. We'll prob pay the $300 so we don't have to wait several days before getting married. I looked up the best months to vacation in St Lucia, and it was determined that May-June is best, so we're targeting May! That's five months away!!! Man, that seems like a long time but it will probably go quickly.  That's the latest and greatest on our wedding plans! 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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Weekend To-Do's ... So Much Going On

I have a big to-do list right now. I have to buy snow tires, investigate wedding/honeymoon options, buy a new mattress for the bed, buy my dad a bday present and prepare for a work presentation... all this weekend and next. The honeymoon/wedding planning is actually a fun task and I am very excited to get going on this. I contacted a wedding planning company yesterday. Hopefully they won't charge an arm and a leg for their services, but after researching the options, it would be far easier to have someone coordinate all the details for us. We want to go to the Caribbean in April. That's about how long it will take to save for our vacation.  And the rest? I got a good start on my work presentation. Today I will buy the bday present, and tomorrow we are shopping for a mattress. Oh yeah, and we need to buy thick plastic to cover the cracks in our windows so the cold air doesn't leak in.  Tonight we're staying in a hotel because my fiance's back is hurting too much from our broken mattress. It lasted a year -- that's it! He paid $500 for a piece of junk, so we're going to have to shell out at least $1600 for a good mattress. Oh well. We're putting it on a credit card for now since we're saving for the honeymoon. C'est la vie, that's life.  I really cannot wait to go on vacation. I haven't had a REAL one in something like 15 years...  I cannot even remember the last time I took a vacation. I want a romantic wedding, too, just the two of us. I hope the wedding planning company is a good one that can help pull together something magical for us. We'll see. It's all very exciting!  On that note, I should get going with my day! Cheers. 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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I Love My Baby!!!!

I am SO grateful. Today is a day where I feel really good and really happy. I've been stressing a lot about work lately and have focused mainly on succeeding in my job, which stresses me out. But when I step back and look at the birds eye view of my life, I am very happy and feel very fulfilled. I am starting to see positive results in my work. I am totally in love with my fiance, and we're very happy. Every day we cannot wait to see each other again. We don't like leaving each other in the mornings. It's so hard to climb out of bed when I am nestled in his arms. We love our snuggle time. His big smile says it all when he comes home after work. He hugs me tight and tells me he cannot live without me. I cannot live without him. I cannot wait to call him my husband! Last night at a concert he called me his wife, and said he cannot wait to say that for real. I am in love and feel so very grateful to have found him. What an amazing gift the universe has brought me! I will never ever ever take it for granted. I love him soooooo much!!!  💞💗❣️   
RiverLight

RiverLight

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A Pat on the Back

Well, my worries about work have suddenly subsided since I learned that I got my client to rank #1 on Google for their most important search term!!!! This happened this week.. they've been teetering between positions #1-#3 since I worked on that page, but yesterday & now again today, I saw them ranking at #1. I am SO thrilled!!!!! I have been worried that I am not doing my work correctly, but I edited the whole page and now it's ranking at the top of Google -- HOORRAYYY!!!! This is for their most important and profitable website out of three.  I had my client meeting with these same people yesterday and told them the good news. They didn't react, but I am sure they must be very pleased. I am pleased, if I do say so myself! Now I just need to wait and see how that ranking impacts their web traffic, and most importantly, sales and revenue. I would love to have more good news to report next month!!! 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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Freaking Out

I am freaking out over work. Revenue is WAY down for two websites I changed. In Oct, revenue was up for both after the changes I made. But Nov is supposed to be their highest revenue month of the year,, and it's far down this month so far. They have a huge sale at the end of the month, which is probably why it's the greatest revenue month, but so far I am not seeing it and I am blaming myself.  I cannot take the pressure of this work anymore. To be fully responsible for a company's success and revenue online is a lot of stress and pressure! Yes, revenue went up last month, but why is it going down right now? And why is it way down?  Traffic is down a little bit too. It was last month too, despite revenue increases. I cannot help but believe it's the changes I made. I need to talk to my boss about it, who told me last week not to worry about it because of the sale. There are improvements I can make to the work I did, but I need the client's approval and she has to implement it on the sites.  I need a change. I need a career change, but I have NO clue what I would do. I cannot afford to lose salary and what I really want to do is at least 25K less than what I earn. I need that money to go on my honeymoon and get married. I am stuck.  I don't hate my job necessarily.... I only hate reporting week, and I despise this pressure and stress. Last night I couldn't stop myself from dwelling on my work all night. I have to find a way to chill the heck out. It's HARD though. I am naturally prone to getting stressed about potential failure. I cannot afford to lose my job. I need this job to live and survive. I cannot afford my expenses on unemployment alone. And my savings is going towards the honeymoon. ARGH! Stress! I think I need an Ativan today. I need to chill out. 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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Back to Eloping...

So my fiance and I are now back to the idea of eloping. We decided we cannot afford a wedding ourselves, but just the honeymoon, and now I have to tell my parents. When I first mentioned elopement, they got upset and said they would be hurt to not be involved. Then my dad said he wants to be able to walk me down the isle and "give me away". Thing is, I am too old for that and I don't really believe in that tradition anyways. It's an antiquated tradition and I've been out of the home since I was 18. I am now 48. I don't need my dad to give me away.

So I conceded when they said they would be hurt and agreed to have a wedding. But now that we realize we cannot afford even a small family wedding, we don't want to do it. We wanted to elope from the very beginning -- that's the way we want to do it. We would like to go on a nice vacation and get married at the start of the honeymoon -- then celebrate with our family and friends afterwards. We are thinking of doing it in March. If there were to be a wedding, we can't get married until a year from now, which we don't want.  But I am worried about telling my parents our ultimate plan, and I don't know when or how to do it. The four of us are having Thanksgiving dinner together. I cannot tell them then, but I am sure the wedding will come up. I don't want to hurt them, but a wedding would be 100% for their sake, not for ours. I should be able to do this the way I want to do it, no?  ARGH. I am in a pickle!
RiverLight

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Work Woes ~ Reporting Week

It's reporting week at work and then client meetings to review the reports. I am beginning to hate this part of my job. I don't know how long I will stay in this position. Maybe a year at most. I have not learned too much that is new. I am just doing things differently than I have done before. I am also extremely nervous about massive changes I made to three websites -- they have been declining in traffic and revenue for months, and it's partially or mainly up to me to fix. I am dying to know if revenue went up or down last month and I will find out today once the numbers have been adjusted. ARGH. Work is VERY stressful. I try to take everything in stride, but being responsible for a client's success and revenue online is extremely stressful. At least I get paid very well to be stressed -- one bonus.  My fiance is also very stressed at his job. Thankfully, we chill after work at home together and relieve our stress. But we both want to win the lottery and get out of our jobs.. badly. Yeah like that's gonna happen! Haha.  I cannot imagine doing this work my whole life. I think I want to switch directions, but I have no idea what I would do. I would stay within digital marketing because I like it and don't want to lose any salary, but I have no idea what part or aspect I would move into. Writing is appealing, but that pays a lot less. I have no clue! I guess I have time to think about it -  I am only four or five months into this job so It will be a while before I make a move. I just need to be a success somehow until then. 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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Shamanic Healing From Past Abuse & PTSD

I did a Shamanic healing this week for past abuse and my PTSD. She did a "soul retrieval" for me, which means bringing yourself back to wholeness after abuse. I now cannot stop crying.... I started bawling during one of the sessions and woke up bawling this morning. I think my body is releasing all of the pain I have carried around deep within me from all of my past abuse. I didn't expect to be crying and she didn't inform me that that would happen, but it did.  I lean towards Shamanism for many reasons which I won't get into here, but I've worked with several Shamans in the past, dating back to 2012. I've been told during a past life regression once that I was a Shaman in a past lifetime. Perhaps that's true -- I certainly can see it being true, if there is such a thing as a past life. I tend to believe souls are reincarnated and live many lives. I myself have always been attracted to the healing professions and have tried to become a therapist twice now in my life -- not for me I determined, but I am still attracted to energy healing work and spiritual healing work. I certainly believe that there are other dimensions and planes of existence out there, and that we all have Spirit Guides and Guardian Angels. She introduced me to mine -- she said my Guardian Angel is in fact Angelic and has wings and was dressed in green. Another Shaman told me that two of my Spirit Guides are a mountain lion and a black bear. That makes sense to me. I saw them in a meditative journey this latest one led me on. They led me down the path towards healing.  So I was told in this healing to think about what has attracted abusers to me all these years and since my childhood -- I was told that abusers have felt they can get away with it with me. The abuse, that is. So I'm a real softie eh? Hmm...... well, no longer is that true. I will not allow another human being to abuse me EVER AGAIN. I said that to myself after my last abusive relationship.  Anyways, it is interesting stuff to say the least. I love thinking this way.... I love exploring my spirituality and other planes of existence. I know I am being guided by higher beings... I can feel their presence. I am sensitive like that. Others may scoff and laugh at this notion, but I like it. It is comforting to know that higher beings are helping me.  It is pouring rain outside right now -- very appropriate for my state of mind at the moment. I am no longer crying or releasing that energy. I actually feel better. A good cry helps. 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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I want you all to know....

Hey, someone pointed out to me that I've been blogging all about my happiness right now. I realize that this may rub some people the wrong way --- those on here who are struggling and having a hard go of it. I want people to know that I've struggled a LOT in my life, for most of my life. I've had on and off depressive episodes, I've had complete breakdowns and have been hospitalized twice in a psychiatric ward. I've been through many abusive relationships and I've been abused by multiple bosses. I've been unemployed several times -- once for three years. I've been in between jobs, not knowing what I was doing or what I wanted. I've lost jobs. I've lost people in my life. I was bullied as a kid. I've been through SO much, and you know what? I worked HARD to fight through all of it, breaking down many times in the interim, but still fighting through it to make it to the other side. I've been suicidal, sometimes for months on end, and I've even attempted two or three times before in my life. So yes, I can most certainly relate to struggles, and to many people on here who struggle in life.  I did create a public blog last year on how to be happy. And that is a large part of how I turned my own life around. I also learned through therapy how to manage and break through my issues and how to cope. I've been in and out of therapy throughout my whole life. I've gained a lot out of therapy and believe that it's absolutely necessary when dealing with life struggles on top of mental health issues. I've fought my battles, and I've overcome them. I've lost and I've gained. I've dealt with depression, PTSD, major anxiety and voices. I am still on meds.  However, today I am the happiest I've ever been, but that has not arrived without many battle scars and bruises and with a LOT of personal effort and work. It DOES take work to overcome issues. It takes HARD work. And it takes therapy. It's not easy. But I've done it and have been there, and so can anyone who is struggling. I feel I faced more challenges than most average people... not on here, but most average IRL people. Everyone around me IRL was always like, what the hell is going on? You seem to face one challenge and struggle after another after another! My happiness today is also largely because I am finally in a non-abusive relationship for once as well.  Anyways, I just wanted it to be known how much I've actually been through. I most certainly do not mean to throw my happiness in anyone's face. I am just writing about it because I am astounded by how much things HAVE turned around, all for the better, and I hope that it somehow may rub off on people and inspire them to keep fighting the good battle to make it through. Happiness is well worth the fight, I can tell you that. 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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Extraordinary Inner Peace

Today I felt a very potent and noticeable sense of deep inner peace like I've never experienced. I just felt that AHA moment of WOW, I am really at peace and everything in my life has fallen together. It's the most extraordinary feeling in the world! I feel very content and satisfied. I have only work woes to complain about periodically, and I'd love to win the lottery, quit my job and travel the world, but aside from that, I have zero complaints. It is the most satisfying feeling after years of hell. I think I am floating on air and clouds.... ahhhh..... so delightful. 
RiverLight

RiverLight

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