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About this blog

My life has had so many ups and downs. I have followed the road less traveled all my life, meaning my own path different than the average bear. This is a blog about those ups and downs and being on the road less traveled.

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Entries in this blog

 

St Lucia Honeymoon ~

So! We're getting the ball rolling for our elopement/wedding and honeymoon plans. Now we're pretty far settled on St Lucia in the Caribbean, and we're talking to a wedding planner. We're looking at the Sandals all inclusive package vacation/wedding deal, so now we just need to settle on dates and a room! We're looking into May. SO EXCITING!!!! Weird thing though -- they require that you arrive 3 business days ahead of your wedding date, OR you can pay $300 something for an express date of one business day prior arrival. WEIRD! Oh well. We'll prob pay the $300 so we don't have to wait several days before getting married. I looked up the best months to vacation in St Lucia, and it was determined that May-June is best, so we're targeting May! That's five months away!!! Man, that seems like a long time but it will probably go quickly.  That's the latest and greatest on our wedding plans! 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Weekend To-Do's ... So Much Going On

I have a big to-do list right now. I have to buy snow tires, investigate wedding/honeymoon options, buy a new mattress for the bed, buy my dad a bday present and prepare for a work presentation... all this weekend and next. The honeymoon/wedding planning is actually a fun task and I am very excited to get going on this. I contacted a wedding planning company yesterday. Hopefully they won't charge an arm and a leg for their services, but after researching the options, it would be far easier to have someone coordinate all the details for us. We want to go to the Caribbean in April. That's about how long it will take to save for our vacation.  And the rest? I got a good start on my work presentation. Today I will buy the bday present, and tomorrow we are shopping for a mattress. Oh yeah, and we need to buy thick plastic to cover the cracks in our windows so the cold air doesn't leak in.  Tonight we're staying in a hotel because my fiance's back is hurting too much from our broken mattress. It lasted a year -- that's it! He paid $500 for a piece of junk, so we're going to have to shell out at least $1600 for a good mattress. Oh well. We're putting it on a credit card for now since we're saving for the honeymoon. C'est la vie, that's life.  I really cannot wait to go on vacation. I haven't had a REAL one in something like 15 years...  I cannot even remember the last time I took a vacation. I want a romantic wedding, too, just the two of us. I hope the wedding planning company is a good one that can help pull together something magical for us. We'll see. It's all very exciting!  On that note, I should get going with my day! Cheers. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

I Love My Baby!!!!

I am SO grateful. Today is a day where I feel really good and really happy. I've been stressing a lot about work lately and have focused mainly on succeeding in my job, which stresses me out. But when I step back and look at the birds eye view of my life, I am very happy and feel very fulfilled. I am starting to see positive results in my work. I am totally in love with my fiance, and we're very happy. Every day we cannot wait to see each other again. We don't like leaving each other in the mornings. It's so hard to climb out of bed when I am nestled in his arms. We love our snuggle time. His big smile says it all when he comes home after work. He hugs me tight and tells me he cannot live without me. I cannot live without him. I cannot wait to call him my husband! Last night at a concert he called me his wife, and said he cannot wait to say that for real. I am in love and feel so very grateful to have found him. What an amazing gift the universe has brought me! I will never ever ever take it for granted. I love him soooooo much!!!  💞💗❣️   

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

A Pat on the Back

Well, my worries about work have suddenly subsided since I learned that I got my client to rank #1 on Google for their most important search term!!!! This happened this week.. they've been teetering between positions #1-#3 since I worked on that page, but yesterday & now again today, I saw them ranking at #1. I am SO thrilled!!!!! I have been worried that I am not doing my work correctly, but I edited the whole page and now it's ranking at the top of Google -- HOORRAYYY!!!! This is for their most important and profitable website out of three.  I had my client meeting with these same people yesterday and told them the good news. They didn't react, but I am sure they must be very pleased. I am pleased, if I do say so myself! Now I just need to wait and see how that ranking impacts their web traffic, and most importantly, sales and revenue. I would love to have more good news to report next month!!! 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Freaking Out

I am freaking out over work. Revenue is WAY down for two websites I changed. In Oct, revenue was up for both after the changes I made. But Nov is supposed to be their highest revenue month of the year,, and it's far down this month so far. They have a huge sale at the end of the month, which is probably why it's the greatest revenue month, but so far I am not seeing it and I am blaming myself.  I cannot take the pressure of this work anymore. To be fully responsible for a company's success and revenue online is a lot of stress and pressure! Yes, revenue went up last month, but why is it going down right now? And why is it way down?  Traffic is down a little bit too. It was last month too, despite revenue increases. I cannot help but believe it's the changes I made. I need to talk to my boss about it, who told me last week not to worry about it because of the sale. There are improvements I can make to the work I did, but I need the client's approval and she has to implement it on the sites.  I need a change. I need a career change, but I have NO clue what I would do. I cannot afford to lose salary and what I really want to do is at least 25K less than what I earn. I need that money to go on my honeymoon and get married. I am stuck.  I don't hate my job necessarily.... I only hate reporting week, and I despise this pressure and stress. Last night I couldn't stop myself from dwelling on my work all night. I have to find a way to chill the heck out. It's HARD though. I am naturally prone to getting stressed about potential failure. I cannot afford to lose my job. I need this job to live and survive. I cannot afford my expenses on unemployment alone. And my savings is going towards the honeymoon. ARGH! Stress! I think I need an Ativan today. I need to chill out. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Back to Eloping...

So my fiance and I are now back to the idea of eloping. We decided we cannot afford a wedding ourselves, but just the honeymoon, and now I have to tell my parents. When I first mentioned elopement, they got upset and said they would be hurt to not be involved. Then my dad said he wants to be able to walk me down the isle and "give me away". Thing is, I am too old for that and I don't really believe in that tradition anyways. It's an antiquated tradition and I've been out of the home since I was 18. I am now 48. I don't need my dad to give me away.

So I conceded when they said they would be hurt and agreed to have a wedding. But now that we realize we cannot afford even a small family wedding, we don't want to do it. We wanted to elope from the very beginning -- that's the way we want to do it. We would like to go on a nice vacation and get married at the start of the honeymoon -- then celebrate with our family and friends afterwards. We are thinking of doing it in March. If there were to be a wedding, we can't get married until a year from now, which we don't want.  But I am worried about telling my parents our ultimate plan, and I don't know when or how to do it. The four of us are having Thanksgiving dinner together. I cannot tell them then, but I am sure the wedding will come up. I don't want to hurt them, but a wedding would be 100% for their sake, not for ours. I should be able to do this the way I want to do it, no?  ARGH. I am in a pickle!

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Work Woes ~ Reporting Week

It's reporting week at work and then client meetings to review the reports. I am beginning to hate this part of my job. I don't know how long I will stay in this position. Maybe a year at most. I have not learned too much that is new. I am just doing things differently than I have done before. I am also extremely nervous about massive changes I made to three websites -- they have been declining in traffic and revenue for months, and it's partially or mainly up to me to fix. I am dying to know if revenue went up or down last month and I will find out today once the numbers have been adjusted. ARGH. Work is VERY stressful. I try to take everything in stride, but being responsible for a client's success and revenue online is extremely stressful. At least I get paid very well to be stressed -- one bonus.  My fiance is also very stressed at his job. Thankfully, we chill after work at home together and relieve our stress. But we both want to win the lottery and get out of our jobs.. badly. Yeah like that's gonna happen! Haha.  I cannot imagine doing this work my whole life. I think I want to switch directions, but I have no idea what I would do. I would stay within digital marketing because I like it and don't want to lose any salary, but I have no idea what part or aspect I would move into. Writing is appealing, but that pays a lot less. I have no clue! I guess I have time to think about it -  I am only four or five months into this job so It will be a while before I make a move. I just need to be a success somehow until then. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Shamanic Healing From Past Abuse & PTSD

I did a Shamanic healing this week for past abuse and my PTSD. She did a "soul retrieval" for me, which means bringing yourself back to wholeness after abuse. I now cannot stop crying.... I started bawling during one of the sessions and woke up bawling this morning. I think my body is releasing all of the pain I have carried around deep within me from all of my past abuse. I didn't expect to be crying and she didn't inform me that that would happen, but it did.  I lean towards Shamanism for many reasons which I won't get into here, but I've worked with several Shamans in the past, dating back to 2012. I've been told during a past life regression once that I was a Shaman in a past lifetime. Perhaps that's true -- I certainly can see it being true, if there is such a thing as a past life. I tend to believe souls are reincarnated and live many lives. I myself have always been attracted to the healing professions and have tried to become a therapist twice now in my life -- not for me I determined, but I am still attracted to energy healing work and spiritual healing work. I certainly believe that there are other dimensions and planes of existence out there, and that we all have Spirit Guides and Guardian Angels. She introduced me to mine -- she said my Guardian Angel is in fact Angelic and has wings and was dressed in green. Another Shaman told me that two of my Spirit Guides are a mountain lion and a black bear. That makes sense to me. I saw them in a meditative journey this latest one led me on. They led me down the path towards healing.  So I was told in this healing to think about what has attracted abusers to me all these years and since my childhood -- I was told that abusers have felt they can get away with it with me. The abuse, that is. So I'm a real softie eh? Hmm...... well, no longer is that true. I will not allow another human being to abuse me EVER AGAIN. I said that to myself after my last abusive relationship.  Anyways, it is interesting stuff to say the least. I love thinking this way.... I love exploring my spirituality and other planes of existence. I know I am being guided by higher beings... I can feel their presence. I am sensitive like that. Others may scoff and laugh at this notion, but I like it. It is comforting to know that higher beings are helping me.  It is pouring rain outside right now -- very appropriate for my state of mind at the moment. I am no longer crying or releasing that energy. I actually feel better. A good cry helps. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

I want you all to know....

Hey, someone pointed out to me that I've been blogging all about my happiness right now. I realize that this may rub some people the wrong way --- those on here who are struggling and having a hard go of it. I want people to know that I've struggled a LOT in my life, for most of my life. I've had on and off depressive episodes, I've had complete breakdowns and have been hospitalized twice in a psychiatric ward. I've been through many abusive relationships and I've been abused by multiple bosses. I've been unemployed several times -- once for three years. I've been in between jobs, not knowing what I was doing or what I wanted. I've lost jobs. I've lost people in my life. I was bullied as a kid. I've been through SO much, and you know what? I worked HARD to fight through all of it, breaking down many times in the interim, but still fighting through it to make it to the other side. I've been suicidal, sometimes for months on end, and I've even attempted two or three times before in my life. So yes, I can most certainly relate to struggles, and to many people on here who struggle in life.  I did create a public blog last year on how to be happy. And that is a large part of how I turned my own life around. I also learned through therapy how to manage and break through my issues and how to cope. I've been in and out of therapy throughout my whole life. I've gained a lot out of therapy and believe that it's absolutely necessary when dealing with life struggles on top of mental health issues. I've fought my battles, and I've overcome them. I've lost and I've gained. I've dealt with depression, PTSD, major anxiety and voices. I am still on meds.  However, today I am the happiest I've ever been, but that has not arrived without many battle scars and bruises and with a LOT of personal effort and work. It DOES take work to overcome issues. It takes HARD work. And it takes therapy. It's not easy. But I've done it and have been there, and so can anyone who is struggling. I feel I faced more challenges than most average people... not on here, but most average IRL people. Everyone around me IRL was always like, what the hell is going on? You seem to face one challenge and struggle after another after another! My happiness today is also largely because I am finally in a non-abusive relationship for once as well.  Anyways, I just wanted it to be known how much I've actually been through. I most certainly do not mean to throw my happiness in anyone's face. I am just writing about it because I am astounded by how much things HAVE turned around, all for the better, and I hope that it somehow may rub off on people and inspire them to keep fighting the good battle to make it through. Happiness is well worth the fight, I can tell you that. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Extraordinary Inner Peace

Today I felt a very potent and noticeable sense of deep inner peace like I've never experienced. I just felt that AHA moment of WOW, I am really at peace and everything in my life has fallen together. It's the most extraordinary feeling in the world! I feel very content and satisfied. I have only work woes to complain about periodically, and I'd love to win the lottery, quit my job and travel the world, but aside from that, I have zero complaints. It is the most satisfying feeling after years of hell. I think I am floating on air and clouds.... ahhhh..... so delightful. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Blissful Weekend ~ Blissful Sunday

Ken and I had an amazing weekend together. We hung out, just the two of us, having fun. We did some extracurricular activities both Friday and Sat night and watched the live Phish shows from home. What a blast! We needed some fun after a weekend of dealing with his elderly parents. It was great to cut loose. We also had just seen Phish earlier in the week in Albany, NY. I think our show was the best one so far. It was pretty amazing!!! I am floating from a nice weekend of blissful fun.  I won't think about what's coming up next week at work. Right now I just want to fully enjoy the moment.   

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

We Got Our Wedding Rings!

Just back from visiting his parents in Florida, which honestly was a little hard since they're elderly and not well, but we still had a great time. We returned home to find a package containing our wedding rings! We bought them ahead of time, but now we have them. We tried them on and they're both really nice! Now we just need to figure out a wedding!!! We still don't know how we're going to pay for the wedding. It's going to be very small! LOL. Just immediate family. But it will be fun!!! And then we'll have a big party with our friends after... anyways, I'm sure I've already written about that. I'm just excited our rings arrived much earlier than expected!!! Here's us in Florida! 😃

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Yeah, More $$ But is It Worth it?

This job is well.... there's pluses and minuses like any job I suppose. There's good people. I love my boss. They have win.e and be.er hour every other Thursday, summer Fridays where we get to leave early on Fri (half day), and the culture is warm, supportive and inviting. The CEO loves me and I'm doing a great job so far -- all positives right? BUT........ I have to do these freaking long as.s reports each month for every client -- they're seven pages long each. Then I have to do a client presentation for each client, reviewing the reports, answering questions and reviewing strategy. After reporting week and client meetings, there's really only two weeks of the month to actually work on client projects. Today I failed at my client presentation -- I fumbled and was obviously nervous. I am not used to giving presentations and have ptsd. Well, it basically sucked for me, and I am  now missing my former cushy work from him job where I was just editing web pages, just recently. Now that was nice and easy, but only part time and hardly enough money.  So I am making a huge amount more in salary, which is nice too, but is it really worth it?!? I've only been there three months or so. I am already thinking maybe I will move on after a year..... another downside? I have yet to learn anything new!  I just do not know. Today was brutal, AND I've had no sleep. I am going to Florida this weekend then to NY so I will be rejuvenated (I hope) from the trips!  That's all for now. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Can't Sleep Tonight...

Ugh, I can't sleep. My fiancee is peacefully asleep and I am wide awake. I have a big client presentation tomorrow, and I am extremely nervous. I had no idea when I got into this job that I would have to present in front of a room full of people -- my worst nightmare. I am sure it will get easier in time, but right now it scares the heck out of me. I suffer from anxiety and PTSD and talking in front of groups of people can make me physically shake.  What if they ask me something I can't answer? Or what if I fumble and show my anxiety? What if don't sound as knowledgeable as I should be? These are the fears in my head... not even real thoughts, but they're there.  I'm a senior in my role now. I know I know my stuff for the most part, but there's a lot I fudge my way through, especially around the technical side.  Well, I suppose I've made it this far in my career -- hopefully I can overcome this fear and be successful presenting. The one good thing? I know more about my field than my clients -- so if I can keep that in mind as I go into tomorrow, perhaps it will help. Now I just need to be able to sleep. I took an Advil PM... I hope it kicks in soon -- the last thing I need is to be tired on top of anxious. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

A Great Reminder for Myself

Stemming off my last blog entry, I ran into an extremely toxic person on a different forum. Her poison seeped into me for a full day, I was enraged about her rude, vicious and obnoxious behavior towards me, and it was a GREAT reminder for me that I am avoiding these types of people like the plague. She even wrote a poem about me, which I had to report. It has yet to be removed, but I am sure it will be soon.  Toxic people are awful people. At the heart of it, they're miserable --- however, a lot of people are miserable, yet don't take it out on other people. Toxic people make everyone else miserable too. They spread their poison onto others. EW. I want to slap them and call them haters. They are the haters in life. They hate other people because at the root of it is envy, inferiority and insecurity. It's disgusting behavior though, and it makes me seriously ill.  I've taken deliberate steps to eliminate such people from my life, including toxic ex boyfriends. Don't need 'em!!!!  End of rant. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Unhappy People LOVE to Drag Down Happy People

I am seeing a lot of envy on this other forum where I post, coupled by meanness and lashing out at me because I am truly very happy. GEEZ! Calm down, people, and gain control over your emotions. I fought for my happiness. I climbed over mountains and fought through miserable circumstances. I pursued what made me happiest, but don't condemn me because I have made it to the other side and you have not. Don't condemn me because you're miserable and cannot stand your own life. Make it happen. Pursue what makes you happiest. We are each responsible for our own happiness. Hell, I spent years fighting many battles. I spent years in less than desirable circumstances. I was DEEPLY depressed four years ago -- suicidal for eight months straight when a great life dream came crashing down around me and my whole world fell apart. I had to pick up all the pieces myself. It took a LOT of work and time, but I did it and with a LOT of external support. My life slowly improved, one little piece at a time. But I worked for it.

So if I can climb out of a deep dark depression, anyone can. There IS hope and there IS happiness to be had. But people have to do it for themselves. No one else will.   If you're unhappy in a particular situation, then figure out how to make it better OR leave that situation. If you're in a bad relationship, then get out. If you're in a horrific job that makes you miserable, then get out and find a better one. If the people around you are making you unhappy, then don't be around those people. Find people who lift your spirits. Do whatever in life makes you happiest. We have to work for it, we have to fight for it, and it's SO worth it in the end.  But please don't condemn me because I am happy and am living a good life. I did not have a great life for many years. Now I do, and that's because I worked very hard at getting there.  So there's my rant for the day. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

He's Talking About Eloping

So, wedding plans, part II! We're now talking about eloping! We cannot afford a wedding, and neither one of us cares too much if we don't have one. At least I don't, and it's his second marriage, so he doesn't mind either. But now he's also talking about doing it soon, like in the next few weeks. He's already picked out our wedding rings, with my input and help, which we can afford. But I may want to wait and elope somewhere exotic, like where we will go on our honeymoon. Then again, I don't really need to wait, so if he wants to do it sooner, that's pretty much OK by me. I just had a vision of being on a some exotic island, getting married in a very romantic setting then celebrating our honeymoon. Sounds pretty awesome, right?? 

But maybe we'll get to a point where we just want to be married, and that's the most important thing. Or, we'll wait until we can take a trip. But that could be months! Who knows?!? Either way, we're both very excited!! 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Wedding Plans!

So, we don't know how the wedding will be paid for -- we may need to elope! LOL. I need to ask my parents if they are willing and can help. I could pay for at least a part of it, and so could my fiancee. Together we have some money, and if my parents pitch in, we could probably afford a small family wedding. We've talked about it and only want family there. Our friends won't mingle very well with our conservative families, or rather, my conservative family, so we decided to keep them separate. We'll have a big bash with all our friends afterwards in town somewhere special, with one of our favorite bands.  So we know we'll get married sometime next year. It could be at any time, we haven't decided yet. I think it's important to him to have his parents present, since they're old and may not last too much longer. I'd rather not elope, I think.  And a girlfriend offered to go dress browsing with me. WOW, I'm actually going to be looking for a beautiful wedding dress!  I cannot wait to call him my husband. I cannot stop staring at my engagement ring! It sparkles and shines really nicely in all different kinds of light. It's a large-ish dark pink sapphire stone, with a solid ring of diamonds around it and diamonds down the sides. It's absolutely stunning!! It almost looks like a light purple/violet in certain light.  So, that's about it on the wedding front right now! More to come.... 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

9/11 Tragedy: Loss of Life

It's 9/11. My now fiance lost his beloved, precious brother at the age of 32 in the Twin Towers terrorism act on this day 17 years ago. I am sitting with him in grief and horror as we watch the 9/11 events, reliving it all over again on TV. I also lost a friend from college on this day, in the Flight 93 terrorist attack. My fiance and I have been crying all morning. It hits me deeply -- his pain, suffering and loss. He cried to me that he never got to say goodbye. And now I cry, imagining it were me, if I had lost my sister the same way. I cannot even imagine how he must feel. It is SO deeply saddening. His grief is immense.  We've been on such a high from our recent engagement announcement, to now feeling such a low. What a dichotomy. It's just absolutely horrific, what happened. But we have each other, we're happy and we're thrilled about our future life together, so there's light in the midst of darkness. At least I can hold his hand, tell him how much I love him, and comfort him on this very sad and tragic day.  So today is a day to honor all lives lost and to remember the events that will never be shaken from our history and minds. The horror of this day, I will never forget. May all souls rest in peace. Amen. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

We're Engaged!!!!!!

We did it! We're officially engaged!!! He proposed last night. His proposal was soooooo sweet! I am ridiculously in love and we are both ecstatic. I couldn't have asked for a better man to spend my life with. I am soooo very lucky!!!! ❤️💕💘

WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

He Bought My Engagement Ring!!!

Ken bought my engagement ring today!! I’m soooooooo excited!!!!! It’s absolutely stunning. I helped pick it out. Now it just needs to be shipped and then he just needs to ask me!! 😍  

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Getting a New Car!

I am soooooooo excited! I made the decision the other day that it's finally time to get a new car! My '03 Corolla has served me well for the last ten years, it took me all over the country and back, but now it has mold in the trunk and it smells, so it must go!!!  I am pumped to shop and I know what I want. I want another Corolla, but a 2019 hatchback, automatic transmission. NO more standard transmission cars for me -- no thanks. I'm done.  So tomorrow my bf and I will go to the dealership. I kind of need this car ASAP because of the mold in my old car. I don't want to get sick!!!!  Anyways, that's about it! YIPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!  Edited: just leased my new car!! 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Drunk with Love ~ SO happy, SO in Love

I am deliriously in love and am SO very happy. I spent the weekend with my bf, just the two of us and we had a total blast! We hung out, listened to music, talked, laughed, ate fabulous meals and stayed up rockin' it until dawn. Then this morning, he went to Starbucks for iced coffee, brought home a gorgeous bouquet of flowers for me and delicious danishes. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend!! He is SO sweet, SO loving, SO supportive and SO endearing... he's everything I could have hoped for and more! And to boot, he's super cute and super handsome!! He's also super funny and makes me laugh all the time. We're waiting for some money before he can buy me an engagement ring, but it's right around the time when that money should be coming in. I know I want to spend my life with him and that he truly is "the one"! I've never met or known a better man. No, he is not perfect and neither am I, but we get along amazingly well and are able to work through any disagreements in a mature way. I have never been treated so well and I have never felt THIS loved. I feel cherished, desired and wanted ALL the time. I feel comforted and emotionally safe. He has my back. I know he would never dream of hurting me in any way.  ❤️

We are also two peas in a pod -- we're very similar, yet different in the best of ways. We balance each other out. Where I am weak, he is strong and vice versa. We're like Yin and Yang. He belongs with me, and I belong with him. I cannot wait to call him my husband!!! He is truly the love of my life. We already know we want to be married near the water. We may elope, but I know my family and his wants to be there. We've talked about where we will honeymoon. We may even fly to Jamaica to see one of our favorite bands. Anyways, I have never been happier!! Each day and each week brings new adventures for us. Our life together will be glorious and already is. I cannot wait to see our future unfold!! I feel SO very blessed and lucky, and I am SO grateful he came into my life. Cheers to my Ken!!! My sweet, adorable, most loving, most kind, Ken. 😍

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Eating Humble Pie ~ I May Change Career Directions

A month ago I had written how everything was SO great in my life that I may take a break from DF. Well, that went out the window with my new job, which I thought was going to be amazing. And now it turns out it's far too technical for me and that possibly my field, or this particular niche within my field, is not the best fit for me. ARGH! SO frustrating!!!! So now what? I am considering applying for other jobs within my field that are are a different type of position - more writing and editing focused. There are editorial positions within my field, but they pay considerably less. So there's the financial aspect to consider as well. However, I've been in these shoes before and to simply remain in a job for the money is not the answer to long-lasting happiness. So I found an editorial position of interest and I think I will apply. I do have a blog to speak of and 50 original pieces of writing. Granted, I may not be the most proficient writer or editor, but within my field I am pretty adept. I may just go for it, but I cannot believe I am thinking about leaving my job after just one month. That is not what I expected AT ALL coming into this job. I haven't even gained client accounts yet, but I feel the writing MAY be on the wall for me? I just don't know. At least I will apply for the one job and see what happens. It can't hurt!!! I feel I have to do SOMETHING.

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

He Really Does Love Me!

I wrote an entry on why does he love me so much, and sometimes I still wonder that, but I know now that my boyfriend really does love me. I think he truly is here to stay for good, for better or for worse.

I've been super stressed for the last month plus with my new job, and I've tried to suppress it or not show a lot of it so it doesn't effect him. We live together, so I don't want my stress to make him unhappy. But he feels whatever I am feeling and he can tell when I'm not right. He can sense when I'm anxious even if I don't say anything. I hate that my stress leaks out, but some days it cannot be helped. Yet even through this stressful time for me, he has been there for me, showering me with love and affection and telling me that I can do this -- it's pretty amazing. I feel very supported and very loved.

I try not to come home and dump all my issues on him from work, and I come home with a LOT, but I try to save it for my therapist. I am filled with anxiety each and every day. I have so many self-doubts and wonder what I could have said or done differently, and I wonder how am I going to survive or even thrive in this job. I feel stupid and awkward half the time, but that is slowly getting better. But my sweetheart takes me as I am and loves me anyways. He knows how anxious I am. Sometimes I talk about it through stories I tell, so he does understand my worries. And pretty soon he should have the money to buy me an engagement ring. I don't know if it's too soon, but it feels like we've been together long enough for that. Some days he tells me he wishes he could marry me TODAY, like RIGHT NOW --- it is SO sweet. Other days he wakes up and says, "let's elope!" LOL. It's super cute and endearing. ❤️ I think couples do need to weather some storms together to know if they truly can make it for the long haul. I wouldn't call this a storm, but it's a mini one -- maybe a dust storm or just a bump in the road. I know I haven't been myself lately -- he's even told me this. That's why I try not to let this effect us/him. I don't like that I am not my usual self, and I want so badly to get back to my normal, happy-go-lucky state. I think I am slowly getting there. Like last night we went on a concert boat cruise, and even though I have to prep all weekend for an exam I'm taking Tuesday, I put it all aside and had fun nonetheless. I took a Zanax, which made all the difference. A friend gave me a whole bunch of them recently, and man, they're awesome!!!!

Anyways, he's really making me feel deeply loved in every way and I appreciate it so much. ❤️😍


 

RiverLight

RiverLight

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