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Beating slow

Sung tonight for a wonderful person  As I one by one shoot rotten apples  We all show lo*e different ways    The beatings hurt, but not compared to the eyes right before     

GSpolar

GSpolar

 

Uncle Polar’s inquisitive Nephew just acquired a toy stethoscope

Hey Uncle Polar, what is a heart attack? Dunno, but I hear its like an elephant sitting on your chest.  Call for help.   What is a hernia? Dunno, but I hear its like an elephant kicking you in the groin, night and day, for 3 months straight.   What is paranoia? Dunno, but I hear it feels like an elephant laughing into your ear about your inadequacies, totally ignoring your talents that everyone but you can see.  He was actually snickering at you about how funny you looked taking oversized elephant kicks to the groin, but you take it much more personally.  On a deeper level, there never was, in fact an elephant.  People dream them up to sink the ships in their life, all to prevent the 1 in 5000 chance that the ships would have sunk themselves, same odds as having your groin removed preemptively will save you from testicular cancer someday.  I’ll take my chances.   What is schizophrenia?  Dunno, but I hear it is like one elephant whispering bad advice in one ear, and another elephant blasting an amplified trunkful of equally lousy advice into the other ear, when the whole time your subconscious mind knew exactly what to do, had you zipped your pie-hole until your naturally brilliant thoughts were clear, achievable by taking a long walk while breathing deep, natural air.  Oh wait, I’ve just described meddling relatives.  Recommended solution is earplugs over Christmas holidays, long walks, and not giving a sh**t what anybody thinks.   What is depression like? Well I know that one kid …… Well aren’t ‘cha gonna say something? No, that’s what depression is like.  Its nothing, forever, now sit here chained to a pile of sinking nothing for what seems like 6 months per night.  I really fear it, kid.  Friends and freedom and exercise.  They are always there … in more colorful forms, on inconvenient terms, you take on their pain and wear it on your chest, more than you expect, but why ruin the moments of really feeling alive with expectations? … be yourself and guard them and love them.       What is love like? The most complex ailment that every one must learn the hard way.  You will find no other terminal disease other than this one that pleases no one, destroys every one, yet everyone wants, even after being through it.  I’m just as dumb as anybody … Oh yes, it was like an elephant sticking one foot on my groin and another crushing my lungs for leverage, only to rip my heart out through my chest.  Mission accomplished.     Yeah I see that hole in your chest, but why then do you have a heartbeat? New pain makes water and music taste better ... I don't understand what you mean Uncle ... You will.   Here kiddo, I brought a 1 minute video summarizing love:    

GSpolar

GSpolar

 

We had one thing in common

To my veteran brothers and sisters, who woke today remembering.......... Fallen SSG ______ , Fallen PV2 _____ , Fallen Captain _____ , and others.     PV2, with your mosquito wings, straight out of high school, you looked like your Mom should have signed a waiver for you to enlist you were so young.  And you guarded me, at what, age 26, as though I were somebody important?  And the car bomb ripped you to shreds a few hours after I sped through your gate.  Yes, I saw what was left of you.  No, I couldn't talk about it.  Blanked it out.  I’m sorry  ……..  It wasn’t fair …… how many of us would have been ripped to shreds if you didn’t ……  I’m sorry    And to friends, too many to name, who awoke with feet or thorns in their face this morning, having never really slept, wishing they could feel the thorns or the foot or anything else …..   Not a one chose a war, but all chose to sign a blank check of their 20’s.  Chose to protect, because it was always in our nature, still is.     

GSpolar

GSpolar

 

Love IRL

IRL...And you call your other friendships "In Real Life" The real-life people, who judge you according to your ass size, visible displays of wealth, ability to lie charmingly, and skin pigment. And you the wandering soul spinning toward me right now as I erupt in light, you are the Un-Real ones to me.  Who loves me despite having never seen my shapely ass. So will heaven be the place where people are encouraging of each other, despite nothing to gain?  Love just because?  Hmmmmm.....what on earth does that remind me of? Like when I break down here....barely breathing but genuine soul of mine, on that day when I wonder why.   And your un-real love shows up, dear anonymous and wonderful DF friends, all 1000 of you, faceless and beautiful.   I don't want to meet you.  Would just ruin a beautiful thing as you would spend the whole time staring at my ass.  But dip your body in paint and spin as we take turns colouring each others grey.  I love ya' already.    

GSpolar

GSpolar

 

Nature's flaw

Nature has one flaw Choosing always the path of least resistance What makes us human And distinct within nature Is that life is found In the path of greatest resistance That being to love human beings Despite the certainty That everyone's life, once you get to know them, is messy, ugly, and complicated, just like mine. That people are certain to burn you, hurt you, abandon you, and worse, and better, and worse.     But loving them anyway And expecting nothing back (which is hard, takes alot of practice) Is life-giving, invigorating, satisfying in a way that no well-beaten path will ever know. If I fight through my own pain To love someone today Just because. My reward is Looking in the mirror at the end of the day And saying "yeah, that's the real me" And I'm not ashamed today. The cuts and bruises of human thorns short steps behind me Release me

GSpolar

GSpolar

 

In Stillness, the blocks of Sprinting

You were not a mistake.  Your body says lay down.  And the world calls you 'guilty'! For not sweeping the floors in harmony with them. For not holding your breath To make your body square To fit into their cubicle Action, action, action, don't just stand there, do something repetitive and mindless like the rest of us!! They told us that a body must move alot to remain in motion, eh? as though laws of rigid body physics applied to the disruptive thought potential of the depressive But that is a lie A still body; open, quiet, and listening, not forcing, just being hears things that the frantic masses Will never hear standing up. My best ideas have come by laying the fu ck down. But when they come, fellow depressives, write them down and take that ball downfield As if this is what you were born to do Those moments of inspiration, deepest love for humanity, the odd idea that will bend the world into uncomfortable bloom That's you.  

GSpolar

GSpolar

 

Does it matter?

What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are

GSpolar

GSpolar

 

Your rain falling on me

Now don't even reply to me unless you've known from the earliest awakening in your life that you, amongst the oddities, were too-far-out-there to find a home ANYWHERE.   I'm at home with everyone, since I get to be them all for a few minutes once per month or so. I'm at home with no one since I can't stay there long, can't choose when or where I will be on their wavelength. Yes, the wide ranging bipolar takes one look into your eyes and knows your state, not because He/She is smart, but because we've been there recently, just traveling through. Yes, I feel you, but only in passing, only for a moment.  But I love you always because I know what it feels like, to be you, to be me.    

GSpolar

GSpolar

 

Dawn

Don't ever pause, don't ever 2nd guess with me Don't ever hold back Whatever is inside   If it doesn't make sense at this moment I will tuck it away, and carry your silent expressions They will have their day someday   My expression fails me often My face gives up, disregard it My body tells truth strong as iron, my da nm eyes   And i'm lost, and i'm lost, eyes cut by despair But I find the path to flight right on time If I can hold time between the 2 poles.   On time, forever, on time... As a good friend, as I saw his lower leg amputated days ago. Him at his peak twice my strength.   I'm full of tears for him. I'm full of tears with no where to go. Can you respect me as a man, when we exchange tears?  No, of course not.   When I hurt for a father hobbling, my dear friend who we rode our garage sale bikes until the wheels fell off as kids?   Knowing how he destroyed his leg in progressive agony, defending all as they slept. Expecting the pain to go away when he chopped it off, or rather not caring, it hurt that much.  He's a titan, strong as I've ever seen, except his body...like you. Today he waits.  Sits and waits.  Prayer without words, without expression, just truth in my blinks, truth in my blinks. We are more than lumps and matter.  I feel my hurting friends, faceless ones too, you.  I call them right when they were thinking of me, every time it seems.  We have souls.  It is our bodies that have no worth, but souls, they are everything, the only thing.  You matter to me.  I can feel your back, on my back.  Lean back Sister, I'm strong tonight Brother, it's OK.  

GSpolar

GSpolar

 

New Zaps

Yeah, New Thoughts..........The ones you wrote down intending to act upon 1000 years from now......notebook labeled "Someday" Well, Well, Well: Someday never comes Dancing in the street to internal music of the soul Yeah, those Brain Zaps........They are mine!!! And I could trade my highly variable, unpredictable mind..... To be normal Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! F**k normal They have no idea just how much I enjoy Setting the sun down to my internal music Dancing with anyone who dares break free with me

GSpolar

GSpolar

 

Wet Socks

Sniffing out less laundry Two left toe socks that fit Drew it by miracle Leaving room for toes to grow Leaving room for souls to grow Take me to Guantanamera Love me if you knew me Destroy me because you could This hurts too much For me to try again Zap the sonofaBiotch again   He was born for the track Not for the cuddle hammock Born for the rack For her levered stretch Born to be hanged And so the bullets bend Stretch him, Pull him, Tear out his guts coldly. Zap that sonofaBiotch again It doesn’t hurt anymore   Erase every trace Starve him, starve him, starve him And criticize his fondness of crumbs Zap the sonofaBiotch again   Run in the lightning I sing to raindrops And they sing to me “By your side, Polar, By your side”  

GSpolar

GSpolar

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