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About this blog

This is now just a blog and a place to hope to feel better about myself.

Entries in this blog

first and last political post.

In this country we have gone to a two party that has weaponized, we have become two totalitarian governments that hate each other. That super hate each other, that are just waring over each other for who's in control, and everyone has forgotten how to be a moderate. We need to remember it's not which side wins you represent 100% of the people and 50% of those people don't agree with you. We've got to have compromise between the two. We can not get caught up in the that 50% is 100% right. That th

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zdude954

How do you forget?

This is kind of a continuation from the other day. How do you forget someone? How do you erase someone from your memories? My memories of someone I loved so very much keep coming back, I want them gone. I want to poor them out into a drain to be gone for ever never to be seen again. What use to be great memories, are now sour and bitter. I have begged them to stop and go away, to no avail. They have brought me to tears they cause so much pain they hurt so much. I have tired talking about th

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zdude954

death

Has anyone else thought about what people do or think about when you die? I do and I have. To think about when people get the news your dead and gone, how many people are going to miss you? How many people will know I am even gone? How many people even care? Who will saddened by this news? Who might even be glad to hear it? I have thought about all those things, and even people on here yes you guys too. I find it truly saddening to think you might be talking to someone on here and then you stop

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zdude954

What I am feeling

I know I am the cause of my own pain now a days. But the bigger problem I won't do anything about it. How does one fix themselves really. Is it that I am afraid to get the help or that I just don't want to get the help. If I get help then what excuse do I have what reason do I have. I have nothing to blame anymore. The thing I want most no one is willing to give me. I am not asking for much, is asking for someone to love me. In my eyes I am almost 30 and still alone. It makes me cry to think abo

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zdude954

a friend

So I have a friend whom started volunteering in multiple things and with there job also. Well now they are just so busy now they just stopped being friends. I told them that they are going to be so busy they are not going to have anytime to talk with. That I would just become some number in there phone that they don't talk to anymore. They side "no I don't think so". Well I told them that because I have had friends do that so I know. Well guess what it happened, it's been some time now since I h

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zdude954

I saw someone I shouldn't

Today I saw my ex, not intentionally it was an accident. In that moment I wanted to cry. It's almost been a full year now, why do I still feel that way? There is no chance of me getting back with her, I know that. There are a lot of details I could go into I will save them (from you the reader). But the moment I know it was her I instantly wanted to cry. She did not see me or know I passed her I am glad she didn't notice me, if she did I don't know what would have happened then. Typing this now

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zdude954

giving away

Does anyone want my life? I would be more then willing to give it to you, I am not selling it or asking for a trade. I will give you everything I own all the money, the few friends I have, my family everything, my job everything. All I ask is the clothes on my back and the shoes on my feet. Then I will disappear, you can't get a hold of me or get to worry what I will do or where I will be. I will simply disappear, I will simply no longer exist.

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zdude954

video games

People will easily point their finger to video games being the problem. Someone shoots up a place, he played violent video games that must be the cause of it. Some of the studies say they are the cause some say they aren't. I have seen some say that they are inconclusive. But has anyone asked what some people have gotten from them. They gave me a place to be safe, where I could be anything I want to be. Where I control the outcome  if I don't like it I can do it again. No one will make fun of me

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zdude954

bad day

I was very intoxicated last night. It's the most I have been since I tried to die. I woke up still drunk, I threw up multiple times in a hour to the point it hurt as I was crying. I have not eaten much today. But I think I am done drinking like that again, I might have a few at a meal.

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zdude954

by the numbers

I just want to thank all 1001 for taking the time to read this stuff. Yeah some of you maybe repeat reads. But to see the numbers keep climbing it makes me feel good that some people actually are taking the time to read this stuff. It maybe nothing to you but it's something to me. So thank you to everyone who's been reading this stuff. 

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zdude954

a realization

So my brain is always running it's always thinking. So it's a good thing and it's a bad thing all at the same time. Because it's always thinking can figure things out pretty quickly, I see the problem or the issue and my brain instantly start trying to figure out ways around the issue or the correct way to fix it. It's a bad thing because it never stops running, being in your head that much is not a good thing. I will see something and I am trying to figure out how it was built or how I would bu

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zdude954

improvement day 20

No real change nothing to really wright about this week. I have not changed anything still doing the same things I have been doing. Which in some regards that's ok because that means I am not going backwards but then I also feel like I am not moving forwards either. I am just sitting stagnant when something needs to be moving something needs to be changing. Arogon said, Open war is upon you weather you would risk it or not. This what it is like, other people wanting better for me but do I dear r

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zdude954

improvement day 17

So I am lazy plan and simple. I want a new life but I guess inside I really don't want it. Because if I did then I would be doing more or for that fact something about it. Like four weeks ago I thought I had it all planned out I interviewed for a company making a lot more money they would have even payed for schooling and everything. But that fell threw I never heard from them I did not get the job. After that I lost everything, I gave up trying. I went back to the job I hate (I don't hate the w

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zdude954

improvement day 13

I feel like what is now holding me back is my job. I need to change my job but that can be easier said then done. I no longer enjoy it, I use to when some people I knew worked here but now that they are gone the joy is gone. I really did not see them that much but knowing they were here made it more enjoyable. Right now I am living pretty cheaply, but I need a new or new to me vehicle. I would not mind going back to school. I would have to find a part time job then so I could go to school and wo

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zdude954

improvement day 12

I have differently plateaued. Which in my eye's is a good for bad things. It's good because that means I have improved from where I was, but now I am not getting better right now. When I started this it was a sudden change maybe it's time for a second one now. I am still looking that gym membership, I hope it still active. I am not sure what to change but something needs to now not in a week not in two weeks but in the next day or two I will have something to wright about. I feel this blog is we

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zdude954

improvement day 10

I feel like I have plateaued. I do believe that some if not a lot of my problems came from vitamin deficiency. I as not born 100 percent mentally stable so I am not expecting to be at 100, but I would like to be back to at least where a was. I know there will be things I will not be able to change about myself, so I either need to except those things and embrace them or just move on and deal with it. The physical from of me the person everyone see's that will be the next thing I work on and that

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zdude954

improvement day 7?

I think it's day 7 or 6, I don't remember, I think 7 but anyway. I did not go work out that one day my joints hurt to much I did not want to make it worse. So instead I just relaxed took a nice warm shower and laid back. Still doing the vitamins which because of the b12 in them, my mood has stabilized. To those who do not know b12 has something to do with your mood stability. My mood changes are not as drastic, they are slower to react. I would not say I am happy but I am not as upset. I am not

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zdude954

improvement day 4

Day three ways a nothing day I spent that day with my cousin playing some video games and having hard lemonade. Yum. Day 4 the day of writing. I am still taking the vitamins, if nothing else comes from them it will just good to take them. I came home from work and took a short nap I was pretty tired today. Tomorrow at work is a shorter day I think I will work out I don't know for how long but I think I will do that unless something comes up.

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zdude954

improvement day 2

So this is the second day of me trying to do something to improve my life. The first was nothing just thinking I guess. I have started taking a multivitamin again, I know I don't eat very good and maybe someday soon that will change. But I am taking it because I know I am probably lacking in some of vitamins and minerals. Two days in and I do feel something a little different, but it's to early to really tell anything yet. I have been told many times now to see a counselor, but I don't see the p

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zdude954

hard truths

I have been given some very hard truths the other day. The person is right she has (for the sake of this) always been right. She has been like a crowbar slowly prying my eyes open. By opening my eyes more she is getting me to see I was right I am being a horrible person and I need to change I need to do something. If I don't then who knows what will happen, where I will be, or what I will be. Song quote, I'm hard to love, hard to love, No, I don't make it easy, I couldn't do it if I stood where

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zdude954

How I feel.

Today I feel so alone, unwanted, unloved, unneeded. I feel like crying myself to sleep, but all that does is make my eyes hurt. It feels like my whole life has been leading with the wrong foot. Every choice I have made has been the wrong one that I should have done something different. I am barely in function broke. I don't make enough money to have a place of my own, and now I have to buy a new to me vehicle. The vehicles I have owned have been horrible unsafe to drive. But I have to because I

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zdude954

I am nervous and scared 2

Well I have turned down from a few jobs I have applied too now. It is making me think I need to give up on my whole plan. I am feeling very down about the whole Idea, but now my parents have been telling other family members about it and very one says that they are proud of me. But none of that brings me any comfort. I was not doing it for them I was doing it for myself.

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zdude954

I am nervous and scared

So tomorrow I am going to turn in my application to a company I would not mind working for. The job I want to do is welding. But I not only do I have to turn in my app but I will also have to weld for them. I have welded before so it's not like I have never done it. But I am so scared that if I don't do good enough, that means I have to go back to a job I don't like and is not doing me any good. I can not keep working where I am at, the place is poorly managed and they do not treat you with the

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zdude954

age

So yesterday I was at birthday party of my grandfather, he turned 80 with if his health stays like it is many more to go. But anyway, he was telling stories from he was a kid with his two sisters. Some of those stories were so funny, they made us laugh so hard it hurt. But it got me thinking, at the rate my life is going I don't want to live that long. I don't want to see that day at this rate. Yes I understand every day is different, and things can change on a dime. But at this rate 55 more yea

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zdude954

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