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About this blog

My empire of dirt blog is a place I will vent from time to time, any comments are welcomed.

 

Entries in this blog

Totally lost my way.....

BUT THAT'S WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY ISN'T IT?   WE HAVE LOST OUR WAY THEN AGAIN MAYBE THIS IS THE WAY MAYBE SOME OF US ARE MEANT TO SUFFER  WITH  NO HAPPINESS? JUST MAYBE THIS IS THE MEANING LIFE THAT LIFE IS UNEVEN AND AND ONESIDED WITH THE FEW HAVING ALL WHILE THE MANY HAVE LITTLE. LFE I CAN SAY WITH GREAT CONFIDENCE HAS NO RHYME OR REASON TO IT. LOT'S OF BAD PEOPLE STRIVING OUT THERE RIGHT NOW WHO ARE LIVING THAT GOOD LIFE WHILE THE REST WELL YOU KNOW NOT DOING SO GOOD. WHO HERE BELIEVES IN THE GOD

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

Invisible

Is how i feel i keep trying and trying and keep getting knocked to the floor. I don't have a answer as to  how to outrun my past and live. You know you can only say it to yourself so many times before you get sucked right back into feeling worthless.

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

I hope......

i'm getting better and that i am on my way to seeing the light and that there is hope out there. I hope i have finally accepted my fate in life and that what will happen is god's will. I hope my rage and anger for those who wronged me is now over. Finally i hope i can live even if it is for a short time and have piece in my mind and soul.

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

To update everyone

I didn't go into the hospital like i thought i might but i think i'm get ready to lose my leg as it has gotten worse. Its just not healing and my fear is going under the knife yet again. I won't be back for awhile if at all as i've got to deal with this i feel my life passing from me. Thanks to Natasha1 and Camilla for being friend to me i will miss  you both.

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

I WILL FAIL....

I WILL FAIL AT LIFE! I WILL FAIL AT LOVE! I WILL FAIL AT NORMAL! I WILL FAIL AT FAMILY! I WILL FAIL AT FRIEND! I WILL FAIL AT ME!   I HAVE FAILED!

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

Sept gone hello october and yes my hell still has me.

i've tried everything to thinking   positive to telling eveybody ball faced lies that i'm just great when i want to put my  head thru the wall. On the weightlifting front you all will be happy to know i quit i couldn't keep it up. And guess what i gained all the weight back and  am a bigger  sucker then ever before  isn't that nice boys and girls. I've managed to be a bigger loser then i was. Now that takes real work doesn't it????? I spent most of the summer ******* myself with weights and it f

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

Mind in a loop since jan '15

The events of this past winter i can't shake as i'm still hurting over a girl that doesn't love me. I've tried everything from weightlifting to walking to trying to be cheerful nothing works. I guess i'm so messed up that i can't move on with my joke of a life. I've had such a crashing in my head all these many months that i can't tell whats real and whats not. I ask myself why? i already had enough on my plate i didn't need to fall for someone who didn't care. They say theres someone for everyo

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

My God the summer is almost gone...

I've spent it trying calm my mind with workingout trying to reduce as much stress as i can but it really hasn't worked. My pain is as fresh as i was back in feb when i joined this board. I thought talking bout things would help but they really haven't at least not yet. So i carry on in hopes i wake with the pain gone from my mind.

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

My soul is rotted from the inside out!

I finally realize that people are basically no good and for that matter there's no god. A loving and caring god wouldn't allow the suffering across the board that we see everyday nevermind my pain. I should have been exterminated  when it was clear that i wouldn't be able to fit in. But a cruel joke by the all mighty god still has me breathing for what purpose? Everyday is hell for me with no rest from my f'dup life with no friends, no one that loves me, no job,  no car and no way to undo it all

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

There's nothing

In my life but emptiness there's no light there's no hope there's nothing..... Here it is 2;30am and i'm awake again that seems to be the thing with me i'm always awake and aware how bad my life is. I would give anything not to be aware anymore to just be totally clueless of whats going on in my life so i could just rest. I haven't slept in so long or should i say haven't slept good in so long. My mind is a twisted tangled mess of regrets and sorrows. I would love to walk down the street an

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

Acceptance is the hardest part.

These past months i have been trying to come to terms with my life and trying to be ok with the way things have turnedout .I guess theres no rules when it comes to life you or either lucky in love and friends or your not. So for those of us leftout how do you deal? well i still haven't figured that out yet. I would love to know how one puts it aside and functions? How do you live from day today without it eating at you and making you a wreck? Why is it that some of the most rotton peiople you wi

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

Tired Son/ Lonely Man

I'm both rightnow as my head is swimming these past few weeks faster then it ever has. With my moms sickness and my own depression its all i can do to get outta bed every morning to get mom's meds and breakfast made. Then the day is a series of  daymares as i call them each rejection and disappointment comes flashing in my head with no rest for my sick mind that is held captive by past regrets. I want a way out without dying but i can't see anything short of that to get rid of the pain. I have n

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

I guess i should take all the blame?

That seems to be the standard line by people that have hurt you be it your mother, father rest of your family because somehow by adulthood you should magically overcome a lifetime of neglect and abuse------> you guessed it--------> BY LOVING YOURSELF! This i'm told  by people in the know will take away all my self doubt and shame and loneinesss. And then  like from heaven on high i will  be loved not only by god but get this the girl of my dreams who can't stand me i mean can you believe i

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

Things can never be ok

My mind is spinning out of control i can't even think its got a hold of my being i can't fight it off i can't do anything. If there's a god when will i find peace?. When will i wake and not miss the girl i love. When will i wake and not feel despair and heartache?.when will i wake and not feel wortthless?. When will i wake  and  find the way out?

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

I must have died on the table.

Cause each day is a rerun of the same shame and guilt worthlessness and regrets. I can't do anything right i always make the wrong choice i'm always letting past pains and emotions run my life. I can't get over my life if that makes sense to anybody out there its a neverending replay of all my faliures. I am not strong mentally emotionally or physically. I will always be a coward with no guts or drive to change my life, time has warped my mind beyond repair and nothing short of a miracle will sa

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

Life

Isn't fair or kind to those left out i've always tried to understand why people  push those different  from them aside and into the shallows. I see bad people with families and friends and great jobs Biotch bout their lot in life when i wantta scream -HEY DUMBASS YOU COULD BE ME!!!!!! There's so many good people out there that won't be able to leave any legacy behind just because they where born with the deck stacked against them. As i've said before life is all bout being loved and having worth

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

Why can't i have the glory of forgetting?

Its so easy for the "normal" people to forget  and let things go why can't I? Why must I be tortured by my regrets? Why must I long for a woman who cares nothing for me when there was never a chance she would care? Why must god see fit to take my life as well isn't it enough he took any chance of a "normal" life from me? Why must I be aware of what I am? WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE GLORY OF FORGETTING???????????????

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

The demons won't stop talking to me.

I can't sleep or think these days with the voices in my head telling me how worthless I am and the world is better off  if I 'm dead. I can't control it I can't figure out a way to clam it down it rages non stop. I can't even listen to my music anymore as it has taken hold of my every thought it just won't stop I've tried everything nothing works. What have I done to deserve this? I haven't ******** anyone I haven't beat  anyone raped anyone or told lies bout anyone. But still i'm being punished

My empire of dirt

My empire of dirt

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