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cry for help

Entries in this blog

Slammed Door

What if the person you love, the person you are close to, the person you seek support from, the person you want to feel vulnerable around just simply slams the door on your face when you are at your lowest and seeking their love and care?  Not just once, but multiple times within a year... An the pain you are in is caused by them in the first place... Do you leave or do you stay? If you leave... will it be running away from "what it takes during a rough patch" or will it be "moving on from

samdiva

samdiva

Cautiously Optimistic

So it has been a week since I joined my new work and I am in a new place and new house... meeting new people....  its still too early to say anything but I feel cautiously optimistic as things seem to be turning for the better....  But I also am very scared as whenever I feel this way... whenever I see some light... BAD really Bad and Dark times follow... full of self pity and hopelessness.... But still... I felt a little "happy" about the way things were going and thought of shar

samdiva

samdiva

New But Same

I am starting a new chapter of my life. I start my job today... new place... new environment... new boss... new almost everything... I had thought that all this change would help me feel better... make me hopeful for new possibilities... But life does not give you what you want... I am still stuck in the same old cycle in my head... still getting hurt by and hurting my bf... still doing just the bare minimum to survive... still have no zeal for anything... even the things which once made me feel

samdiva

samdiva

Weakness

My BF is a selfish man-child. He still has those things which I love him for... But now they are getting overshadowed by all the immaturity he is hiding behind. He is so scared of feeling guilty and taking responsibility for the mistakes he has done that he is doing so many more in the process.... And I feel foolish and weak that I am not walking away from this hopeless self-harming cycle. I wish he had the ability to understand the true meaning of Love and Care... I wish he was capable of bein

samdiva

samdiva

Your Opinion Required....?

I am genuinely asking you all to give me an honest opinion. (I know this is a very short account of the whole situation but these are the main important facts). Me and my bf have a great connection. The way I feel around him, I never feel/felt like that with anyone else. There is no doubt that I really Love him and I feel I am very invested in this relationship. He also loves me a lot and tries to make it work. We have had and still keep having really amazing times together. You can say talking

samdiva

samdiva

Haze Is Lifting Up

I broke up. It started beautiful. Eventually it had become emotionally abusive at both ends. I am in pain. And feel exhausted to start from scratch again. I feel the Loss of Love, and loss of someone I deeply cared about. But there is a feeling... a feeling of freedom. A feeling of nervous and cautious optimism. Feels like the Haze is lifting up which had managed to surround me with in fact my own permission. Today is a good day. Of course there will be days when I feel only the pain and hurt. T

samdiva

samdiva

New

So its Jan 1st. The clean slate we all get. Each year. I would love for 2016 to be full of moments which make me feel alive. Both good and bad count, of course I prefer Good ones. I will work from my side to have a wonderful year ahead. Yes there will be low times. Yes there will be depressed times. But I hope to have the strength and motivation to get through. I hope and strive to find peace, patience and balance in my life this year. And I am writing it here to make it official. - Give a re

samdiva

samdiva

Waiting...

Waiting is hard... Waiting in uncertainty of what the future holds is harder... Waiting when the people close to you don't care that you are waiting for an answer is the hardest.... Life can be cruel... times can be cruel... people's selfishness can be cruel...

samdiva

samdiva

Delicate

I am currently handling a very delicate situation in my relationship with my BF. It is like a crystal rose right now... I hold it too tightly and it will break and I hold it too lightly it will fall and break... I can loose trust or cause resentment... or I can finally get my point across to him and head to a great direction... But it is very difficult and I am very anxious how it is going to be... I am trying to find the right balance to handle this with my heart and mind... Its exhausting beca

samdiva

samdiva

Distance

Long Distance Relationship.... 3 words nobody wants in their lives.... some people can deal with it better than others or at certain points in their lives than other times... All my relationships have always had Long Distance phases at some point or another... And I am not taking about weeks or months... I am talking about minimum 1.5 yrs.... I always dealt with it pretty well... in fact I used to be one of those people who saw the good in it... But I feel everything for this person with more in

samdiva

samdiva

"happy" Anniversary?

Today me and my boyfriend complete 1.5 years. Its long distance... so maybe we will FaceTime if I really insist... I used to be one of those who would do stupid lovey-dovey things to make my boyfriend feel special... I liked it... now I feel it just pushes him away... We still love each other... but I feel for him, this relationship is a very secondary thing... its something which should serve him... and it should not be something which demands anything from him.... This day has become just anot

samdiva

samdiva

Gratitude

I was just going through my blog entries and comments... Was having one of those low days but it made me feel really good to see all the people who wrote supportive and encouraging comments and also those who just acknowledged the way I feel... sometimes that is difficult to find.... This has bolstered my decision to keep up this blog and be a part of this community... to get help and hopefully be able to help others also in the process.... So thats all I want to say today.... THANK YOU !

samdiva

samdiva

Brim

Feeling Overwhelmed has become my normal... or default... I hope it changes once I am done with my Ph.D. thesis... but its an annoying feeling to have... especially if you are one of those over-thinking, solution finding... trying to stay in control kind of person.... 19 days until defense.... Total obliteration is ahead... and I know there is no other way to reach the end... its so funny that my fate lies in the hands of 5 professors... I feel like my anxiety has filled up my heart to its brim.

samdiva

samdiva

Peace

The journey to find peace is probably the most un-peaceful thing you can do.... Peace is not a Noun... I think Peace is a Verb.... Just BE in Peace.... there is no journey... there is no hunt... there is no pursuit....

samdiva

samdiva

Void

Today is probably a more "clearer" day than usual.... And I have figured out the root cause of the all the insecurities, frustrations, jealousy, anger and demotivation in my life... it will sound very cliched but well... thats what is true... There is a Void in my heart... a space which I desperately want to fill... and I keep trying to fill it with Love... with fortune... with applaud... heck with even sadness.... But of course it does not work.... I dont know what will be something which will

samdiva

samdiva

Panic Attacks

I dont know what Panic Attacks are... I dont know what is the line which separates severe anxiety from a full blown anxiety/panic attack... All I know is from the past 2 years I have been having these moments which I feel are no less severe than one... and they are getting worse... probably because I only let the physical signs show when I am alone... hyperventilating... crying... night sweats... nightmares... anxiety dreams... heart racing and feeling like I will implode... I am good at "keepin

samdiva

samdiva

Choices

My heart is literally aching... the only person who can make it feel better is the perpetuator in the first place.... I feel like I am so needy and clingy... but it is a vicious cycle... I do need someone right now... but this need is pushing everything away... and the more it gets pushed away... the more I feel the need for it.... My ego or self respect or just simply logic in my mind screams that I am better than this... I deserve better than this.... and my heart keeps asking me to fight for

samdiva

samdiva

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could..... Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same.... Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back...... I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made al

samdiva

samdiva

Grief

I have read at many places and instances... the 5 stages of grief. Well I feel it would more valuable to elucidate the forms of grief... and how someone's way of grieving can be different than another... Some people can do it with effortless grace... we all like those people... sobbing on someones shoulder, getting silent, heck... even shopping... While some people are at their ugliest when grieving... shouting, being stubborn, angry... Maybe one form is more nicer than the other.... But does th

samdiva

samdiva

Trouble Comes Easy

Why is it so easy to feel low.... I can have a 100 things going good... and then 1 little thing can ruin everything.... Is there ever going to be any resilience on behalf of positivity?? I feel like I have no control over how I feel... I work so hard to get myself to feel better... and all of that unravels from the smallest of things.... I do not have the energy to keep fighting this futile fight... I wish I could go back to being how I was 4 years ago... I was untouchable from all the negat

samdiva

samdiva

Trying To Hold On

I am overwhelmed, exhausted, depressed, unmotivated and basically feel trapped in a feeling of complete Despair. I am a phd student and i plan to graduate this december. I should be working on my thesis and defense... But I don't... I have a boyfriend whom I deeply love but cant help feeling alone... feel like I have to restrain my Love with him.... I have loving friends and family but I do not feel close to them to share how empty scared and lost I feel.... I used to be a bright student and ver

samdiva

samdiva

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