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About this blog

A critic, writer, and artist with depression, anxiety, and ADHD shares his thoughts and struggles

Entries in this blog

Confronting The Past

I've been sorting out past emails and of course I start to find many from my ex girlfriend, including a poem from her. It's... a bit difficult. I'm keeping myself distracted with youtube vids in the background and trying to focus on getting things done but when I think about how I was actually loved back then, it reminds me of how lonely I feel now and how hopeless it seems to think I might get into a relationship again in the future. I'll try to remain somewhat positive and grounded in the pres

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

'Alternative Geek' - BPD & Identity

Since being diagnosed with BPD it's helped me to step back and attempt to look at my thought processes objectively. It still means that I'll struggle with relationships, a firm grasp on reality (I have 'moments' and 'sensory episodes'), and other things that come with the condition. Recently my transition from Textiles to Graphics has been very difficult to deal with due to attachment/abandonment issues though I ultimately dealt with it by explaining the full situation honestly to my tutor who w

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

A Long Due Update

It's been two years since my last blog here. Not sure if I'll be sticking around for long this time but just thought I'd check out the site and leave an update in case anyone's interested. In a previous blog entry I was discussing how I was getting fed up of group therapy. Well since then I have gone into one-to-one therapy and acquired several new diagnosis. Following this I transferred onto a psychotherapist and since September 2017 I have been at a private college that helps vulnerable a

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Still Around...

Haven't been on the site for a fortnight or so I think. I would say I've had stuff going on but really it's just been another example of my virtually non-existent concentration and potential to quickly move from one thing to another. I kept thinking about the site but then got sidetracked by something. I've been trying to get back into writing. Did 6 hours of work yesterday (somehow). But only 15 minutes today and I fear this low may stick for tomorrow and the day after as its one of my best fri

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Final Group Therapy Today; New Course Next Week

My last group therapy today. My 12 week one-to-one course starts next week. After 7 prior sessions, it was the 8th that finally got me as I escaped from the room today. Everyone on about mental health and stigma, most saying how they were so relieved to get diagnosed for personality disorder on top of the depression and anxiety (peace of mind), and how - contrary to a popular survey - their immediate families didn't add to the stigma. Well, perhaps my biggest frustration has been desperately str

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Trying To Be Positive...

Past few days have been particularly difficult mostly due to two big factors: I no longer have a working phone, and my sleep has once again boiled back down to: I know the nightmares will be fierce and wake me up in puddles of sweat and screams constantly so sleep terrifies me unless I stay up til it's light and go to bed with the curtains open and something to distract me. Still, I'm trying my best to remain positive. Even if only a little. Even if I'm barely doing so. Even if I know that

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Sean Connery In A Wedding Dress

Tonight was this month's session of the exploitation film group I run for friends. One of the movies I showed was John Boorman's 1974 surreal sci-fi Zardoz. It begins oddly enough with a giant stone head stating that 'guns are good, the penis is evil' to a group of people that include Sean Connery in a speedo, and things only get crazier from there. Honestly, I've seen other films with similar plots done slightly better but it certainly is a clever and visually beautiful film. There are just so

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Writing Group - Bad Session

Went to my writing group. Wasn't one of my best appearances. I was very quiet. Felt awkward. We had an author visit. I found them extremely boring and kinda self-centered, and they kept mentioning their work in a specific area; my ex's home town, which of course triggered me; lead to flashbacks and flinching and wanting to hurt self and all sorts of bad thoughts I don't want in my head. And then the next two proposed sessions for the group sound rubbish also; looking to be a 'fantasy for beginne

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

I Hate Father's Day...

When I first catch wind that Father's Day is round the corner, so begins a building state of complex emotions.  Father's Day has always been pretty odd for me. My dad was an alcoholic so my granddad was more of a father to me. About 7 or 8 years ago now my dad died of cancer, followed by my granddad passing of pneumonia only 3 months afterward. It was 2 years before my dad succumbed to the cancer, whilst my granddad suddenly died in the night, much to the shock of everyone as he hadn't told anyo

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Blue Hair, Club Retreat, Father's Day

Since my resignation June 2015 I've been dyeing my hair. Either by bleaching the top blonde and leaving it as that or adding semi-permanent alpine green dye to it, going with the sides of normal color (brown). Today I just felt like doing something different. So I bleached all of my hair and dyed it blue; it didn't settle right at first (some of it looked green, other parts just didn't take), so I went added a second coat of bright blue whilst putting a slightly darker blue on the sides. Despite

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

The Empty Puppet And His Pointless Being

On the surface I'm able to laugh, get p***** off, and feel sad. And yet today, deep down inside, there's just a vacant sensation. Like... all of these emotions are not real. It's just the parts a puppet plays. There isn't any point in the puppet attempting to fight back against its puppeteer. I mean, yeah, there's a sense of 'frustration', from the fact that I'm barely doing anything at the minute. My days at home unemployed are completely wasted. I'm still too afraid to work. I'm too unenergeti

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Sudden Anxiety Attack

So I'm at my aunts when suddenly out of nowhere I start feeling deathly sick. Extreme sendations of guilt and fear and paranoia arise. Then I realise... I'm having a panic attack. Why? There was no trigger. The situation was that it was getting late and I thought I'd head home instead of staying over. Sure, I often get anxiety from the propspect of sleep - as I know I'll likely lie awake fir ages worrying or that I'll have terrible nightmares (which I do every single night) - but this isn't typi

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Going Out - Probably A Bad Idea

Past few days I've been both very lethargic and very irritable. Today I'm feeling particularly anti-social. Yet whenever that happens I also wish there was someone next to me to cuddle.   Anyways, as my mum and boyfriend are home and I've been invited to watch the Euros football at my friends, I'm on my way out. Probably a bad idea. For one I find football very boring. Once I get bored in a small space with many people then I can get extremely anxious. So I'll take my 3DS to keep bored

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Uncharted 4 Complete! (No Spoilers Here, Honest!)

Been a lot on my mind lately but I'm putting it aside - as best I can - for the joy that came with completing Uncharted 4 tonight with one of my best friends. For me it may have a couple of obvious flaws - I do think the climax could have been bigger or there could have even wilder set pieces - but as it stands it's an easy 9 out of 10. As a fan of the 3rd one for its added focus on storytelling over the others I think the 4th just overtakes that spot now. 3 had more bombast but the ch

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Gins Of The Father

Drunk again. I don't even drink that much before I'm p*****. But one drink usually leads to a binge until I'm emotional. Thus for a while I stopped drinking altogether but lately I've been drink8ng pretty frequently. At least one pint every other day. Which doesn't sound like much but... for me it's worrying. You see my dad was an alcoholic. And only in recent years have I realised that he himself had depression and/or worse. And my mum has recently confirmed that my dad nor she really beli

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Anxiety - Turning Your Mind Into A Troll

After a few days of being in a sort of 'chaotic' mood - where my mind was in turbo, flitting about between various emotions, though mostly negative - now I've recognize that I've slipped into a state of heavy anxiety. I'm still rambling and all over the place, as is common with anxiety anyway, but I'm finding talking far more difficult. Especially when talking about my health. I visited a friend last night, watched a film, and had an always-needed talk about health issues and future plans. Was a

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

'CHAOS CONTROL!' - Currently in a 'chaotic' mood

Forgive me if this is all over the place. I'm not sure I'll even complete this fully due to my near zero focus. I've been getting so frustrated with things lately that I've decided to do a mood diary on Excel for the past few weeks. It's all due to my strong signs that this may be more than anxiety and depression. As therapists, doctors, occupational health clinics, and friends with these issues too have all said themselves, I seem to be high likely to have either ADHD or Bipolar or both. Y

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Past few days okay. Tonight comes the anxiety.

I think I need to go back to the counsellors. Not being able to talk to anyone is really getting to me. I can barely even manage it with my closest friends and family let alone anonymously on the internet. My mind is a jangled mess from being triggered by just receiving and replying to a message. Not even sure why. Maybe as it was a reminder of my feelings of being alone. Despite the fact I was with a friend in person at the time. It's sent me into a sad and anxious state anyway. And I'm just si

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Bit Drunk, Very Emotional

It's been one of those nights. Meeting up with one of my closest friends. So close we consider each other family. But with whom I tend to end up drinking alcohol. I have a weakness to booze as it is as it definitely brings out my most emotional side. And then, as inherited by my alcoholic father, I have plenty of co-dependency issues.  My addictions as they are I can cope with, for example cigarettes. This is certainly better than drugs (I've dabbled in the past but made a promise to stop and ha

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Uncharted 4

Still feel a mix of emotions from last night (mostly embarrassment from my overreaction) but a bit better after some sleep. Me and one of my best mates often do co-op runs of games and pay halves for new ones. Our latest: Uncharted 4 which we've just started. Seems good! Fighting back that tightrope 'rush rush rush' feeling but should be alright.

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

Mood Flip - They're Watching The Same Film AGAIN

I was in a fairly good mood, hyper still. Until I host the film group. Overall it went well I enjoyed the films and the first was stated to be two peoples' favourites so far. But beforevI could show the films several of my friends demanded to rewatch a short film we already watched twice last time. So I gave in and let it be shown. Then afterwards - right now - they've put it on again. That's four times watching the same 30 minute film within 3 weeks. Two showings almost back to back per night.

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

2nd Group Therapy Session - still rubbish!

I want to scream f**k you all at the top of my lungs but thats not gonna happen. The auto lock is on keeping me from doing silly things even I'm in this mood. Second group therapy session I kept quiet again and mostly avoided eye contact. But it wasnt so much panic fear and sadness as it was more frustration anger pity and boredom. All this cbt stuff is so useless. But i cant be botheres to fight it. One woman tried to fight against it saying she had already done cbt with the same ther

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

WOOO Mood Swing! (Nonsensical ponderings about possibility of bipolar)

Think of this diary as a way of my trying to keep a check on my mood. From speaking with therapists and a friend of mine with Bipolar, it seems like I may have signs of Bipolar myself. However I often find diagnosis quite overwhelming simply because my depression does tend to be the more prominent feature. So I tend to forget the rest. But like right now I do randomly get into small periods of highs, some greater than others where it feels like walking on a tightrope. Other 'episodes' still see

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

ADHD - Been Refused A Diagnosis But 99.99% Confirmed

Officially I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety about 3 years ago. I first noticed signs at 13 but didn't chase it up as my mother advised me not to bother. After going through counselling and therapy I've realised that throughout my life there have been signs of other possible illnesses such as Bipolar and Aspergers, even if only mild. However the strongest signs have been for ADHD, where most therapists seem to be agree that I may have some form of it. Since I was a young ch

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

I'm Hosting The Next Writing Session

After a difficult weekend I was nervous about going to my writing group tonight, something made even tougher by the fact that the last session was about a month ago due to a bank holiday. Well I'm glad I went as it certainly help bring me out my shell. I found myself getting quite into hearing other peoples' short stories and novel excerpts and offering feedback. There were some really good pieces by some very talented writers. By the end of the session a member asked for advice on how to delive

ParaDoxiPaladin

ParaDoxiPaladin

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