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Welcome to Blah Times

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Next month can't go by fast enough

They'll never know what hit them when I put in my 2-weeks notice.  Now if HR would keep it on the down low during my last 2 weeks so that my co-workers won't know I'm leaving, that would be great.  But I'm pretty sure HR will f *c k it up for me, word will get out, and everybody will start asking me one by one, "Where are you going?", "You found another job?", "Why are you leaving?", etc.  Well, if you must know, I'm quitting this job to get away from you people. 😂
 

Talking to a former coworker

I started talking again last week to a former coworker.  I'm thinking maybe I should have kept that line of communication closed as he seems to only want to talk over me with his oppositional conversational style and not really listen to what I have to say—and I'm not even whining about things or talking about anything depression related.  And he tells me I can talk to him about anything.  Sure, but that conversational style is not my idea of being able to talk to somebody who tells me that—so,
 

Quitting another job

Yet another job I'm going to quit.  Another notch on my belt to add to my total of jobs that I've quit that I worked at for less than a year. Too much s* *t ty, micromanaging coworkers.  And the residents I take care of are a pain in the *ss.  But mostly it's the s* *t ty, micromanaging coworkers. I do need the money though to save up for my move, so I can't leave too soon.  Now to decide on a quitting date.
 

I can't sleep

I can't sleep.  It's been gnawing away at me, my mistake at work.  Only my second day in, but I've been so hard on myself about the mistake.  A mistake no doubt caused by my compromised mental state.  Damn you, depression.

BettrResultsHereIHope

BettrResultsHereIHope

 

I'm so lonely

My whole day I'm so lonely.  I hate it.  Sleep is my temporary release.  When I wake up, the feeling still haunts me.  Many nights I wake up and I'm checking my social media accounts for any responses.  Nothing.  I go back to sleep to ease myself of the loneliness, only to dread waking up again, lonely.  Sleep, wake, repeat.

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Unwanted muse

I have an unwanted muse now.  It's bad in that i end up thinking about her; it's good in that i have been inspired to come up with some song parodies.  well, my hope is after i write these songs, and possibly make some music vids, the effect to me will be like when people write a letter to someone and burn it.

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#friendshiploses

yeah, that's my new hashtag.  tired of all these fleeting, fickle friendships in my life.  i'm giving up on trying to make lifelong friendships.

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I want to move but don't know where to

all i know is that i need to get out of this place.  lived here far too long.  i'm not growing here; this place doesn't (and never did) resonate with me.  problem is, i know that if i move away, i'm going to fall into a deeper depression.  i have no friends/family in different states whom i can move in with, who would help keep the loneliness at bay.  i'm skeptical about being roommates with somebody i don't even know. i don't know what to do.  i'll just stay here 'til i rot.  sounds like a

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Felt like crying on the bus yesterday

Not that I would, but the feeling was strong.  It was hard to hold in; I let it all out when I got home.  I think what triggered it was that she "bothered" me more than usual yesterday.  I seriously need to find somebody new to think about.  Hard to do in the mental state I'm in.  At least I wasn't singing "My tears on the bus fall down down down, down down down all thru the town" that day.

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This man-child needs help...

and all he can do is sing to tide himself over for now. ?Ooh man-child Things are gonna get easier! Ooh man-child...things'll get brighter! Some day, yeah... Pull my sh it together and I'll get it undone! Some day when my head is much lighter!? Like the Beastie Boys said, "It always brings me back when I hear 'Ooh Child'!" So I'll use this ditty to help me get back to center.  

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?Just when it can't get worse...?

I've had a sh it day! You've had a sh it day! We've had a sh it day! I think that life's too short for this! Want back my ignorance and bliss! I think I've had enough of this! Fu ck this fu cked up sh it! *audience applauds*

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A baby lizard

has decided to visit me in my time of loneliness and sadness.  Earlier I was trying to catch it and release it outside.  I had no container to place on top of it and hope it would climb onto the inside, so i could then place a lid.  I can't shoo it outside because it's not near an exit and it would just run all over the place.  I have no food to entice it with to catch it.  I guess i'll just hope it finds its way out.  (and perhaps try later to catch and release.)  In the meantime, i'll count th

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Not motivated to do anything

except chain chew some nicotine gum.  only after the buzz kicks in am i slightly motivated to do anything.  i don't recommend anybody start using nicotine gum just for the buzz.  i chained chewed some nicotine gum one time and got really bad nausea and just lied in bed and waited for it to wear off.  i do recommend seeing a psychiatrist though.  i'd go see one and get on some medicine if i wasn't disillusioned by my past experiences with them.  but you might have better luck.  best of luck to yo

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I've given up trying to sleep tonight

Too much sh it on my mind.  I had a small cry earlier.  Very short and not much.  Kinda like the rains here in San Diego.  Except for those crazy times, like earlier this year.  I'm waiting for my big cry.  I'll have to buy some eye drops—artificial tears—for that. When I do buy them... I'm gonna make it rain.

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I just want to isolate myself from everybody

and just sleep.  If I die in my sleep, that's a bonus, I guess. No sense in hanging around people who don't understand, whose 'Are you okay?'s, though well-intentioned don't help.  And if they were to "help", there's no "help" they can give me that I haven't heard before.  Better I avoid them than repeat that madness.  There's like at least 3 people at work who ask me that question often.  I'm sorry we can't all be chipper like you.  Do me a favor, get a clue, and just don't ask.  Better ye

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Stupid me, can't stop looking at pictures of her

My crush.  "She's moved away.  Leave her alone, let her go," the rational part of my brain says.  But the ***** in my brain just wants to hold on to something that was never there to begin with.  Rational part of brain says, "She didn't care about you anyway.  Stop wasting your time thinking about her."  "Don't say that!" snaps the *****.  I start crying at this tug-of-war going on in my brain.

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Every day now for a month

I've just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear.  Be erased from everybody's memory, like I never existed.  Well, it's a change from wanting to curl up into a ball and dying.

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I'm setting myself up for another fall, I guess

I think I'm setting myself up, trying to befriend a stripper.  I gave her my number, hoping that she'll call me sometime.  (I'd like to be her friend and get to know her outside the club, but I don't know.)  My paranoid mind thinks she won't call, would not want to get to know me better outside the club, and that she shows interest in me only for the money.

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BettrResultsHereIHope

 

Only a few more days before she leaves

She knows I like her, but I don't think she knows how much.  Heck, I don't think she cares.  I should stop caring about her already then. I should just quit while I'm behind but I'm too stubborn and love tormenting myself so, I guess.
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