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Maybe it's just Monday

Tired, discouraged, hopeless, ashamed, guilty, __________ fill in the blank with any negative emotion.  What do you do when you just feel like giving up and life is an uphill struggle...  ?
 

Why am I different?

I'm almost 59 years old, which means I'm almost 60, and I've been asking myself that question for as long as I can remember. Why do other people interact with each other so easily?  What is it about me that seems to scream "talk to her differently, treat her differently, don't befriend her..."?  What secret do all the others know that somehow I missed?  Can people really take one look at me and sum me up completely, judging me unapproachable, unlikeable, not right, not "one of them"? 
 

WARNING: Self-Pity Rant in Progress

Wow, it's been a long time since I've logged on, the site has changed again!  🙂  My doctor's office called me today and told me that for the third time, my blood sugar reading says that I'm a full-blown type 2 diabetic.  I'm not really surprised as my health has never been a priority with me, my parents were both type 2 diabetics and so is at least one of my sisters.  Now that this keeps happening (hence the "third time" phrase in the previous sentence), I have to face that fact that this

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Friendships

Wow it's been a while since I've been on here.  I have depression and for the past year or so have been switching medications trying to get relief.  I was originally on Prozac and Nortriptyline (for sleep) and have been switched to Wellbutrin (insomnia was horrible), Effexor (still with the insomnia), and Lexapro (horrible anger issues, worse depression, bad insomnia).  Now I'm back on my old friends Prozac and Nortriptyline and I'm beginning to feel "normal" again.  Still depressed, but sleepin

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

SO MUCH ANGER!!!!!

I wanted to make this a forum post but I couldn't seem to find the appropriate forum. Lately I've been very frustrated with my job.  It's been mildly frustrating since I started, almost three years ago, but the frustration has been getting rapidly worse and I am starting to feel a lot of anger.  I want to switch jobs but I'm afraid to start looking because I have been in such an angry mood that I don't know if I'm making good decisions.  And then I feel anxiety.  I'm not included on any dec

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

I Think, Therefore I'm Depressed

The reason my blog is called "I Think" is because that is the root of all my problems.  Well my depression/anxiety at least.  I'm not saying this to brag, but although I'm not formally educated, I have a pretty high IQ.  I think that the majority of people on here probably do too.  It's us thinkers who get into trouble.  We just think too much.  I think the less intelligent people, the simple people, are probably much happier in life.  Because they aren't stuck in their heads.   We think we

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

sucky weekend

Yeah, as predicted, I slept in both Saturday and Sunday. Saturday until 2:45 (!) and Sunday until 1. I managed to do laundry on Sunday but nothing else. So the kitchen is still disgusting. The equipment for my second job came in on Saturday - it's work at home, as many or as few hours as I want to. I thought when I got the equipment I would jump right in but not this weekend. In a foul, black mood. This isn't the life I wanted.

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

What the f is wrong with me?

I'm about to start a second job. Meaning, an additional job in addition to my first full-time job. So I spent 30 bucks on something - doesn't matter what it was - and H (husband who hasn't held a job since 1999) blew up at me. I SOOOO wanted to say "If I am the one earning the money I should be able to spend a lousy 30 bucks once in a while on whatever the hell I want." Because I NEVER spend money. I'm a f**king r*t*rd and I didn't say anything so I'm sitting here fuming. I had big plans to clea

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Why bother???

If you don't want to read a depressed person's angry rant, please skip this.  Of course this site is full of them.  I have to vent.  I've had this job for two and a half years and it seems like nobody knows I'm here.  I have 20 years of experience doing a certain thing yet nobody asks my advice, I'm not on any committees, I have no input, and mistakes happen that I could have prevented.  I come in every day and by the end of the day I'm thinking to myself, why the f**k am I here?  I don't even f

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Feeling squirrely today

I did not want to wake up and come in to work today.  I slept Saturday until 2:30 p.m. and Sunday until almost 3 p.m.  I just couldn't get up this morning and went in late.   I feel this free-floating anxiety, like something is really wrong but I don't know what.  It dawned on me driving into work that I approach people as though I was walking in a mine field.   Always trying to gauge everyone's mood and worried that I will say something the wrong way and their opinion of me rides on that.

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Old boyfriends getting married...

I'm amazed seeing the ex-boyfriends, who were so anti-marriage when we were dating, getting married. I'm equally amazed at the very average, even slightly homely women they are marrying. Don't get me wrong, it's great that they aren't shallow. But it makes me think that maybe I was too worried about my appearance when we dated and that it really didn't matter in the long run.

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Meh

I saw a Facebook post today simply stating, "I feel good about life."  And I thought to myself, when is the last time I was able to say that?  I think I have to go back to probably age 16 or 17.  That's really sad.  That was 40 years ago.  Since then, partially due to choices I made, I've had a not so easy life.  To think that there are actually people out there who say they feel good about life boggles my mind.  Believe me, I know that really I'm lucky, or fortunate, or whatever you want to cal

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

I don't want to die

I've been of the mindset for a few years now that I don't care if I die. I guess in the back of my mind I didn't think dying was even really possible for a while yet. Tomorrow I am having surgery (nothing major). I am petrified of going under anesthesia. There is also a slight problem with my blood work results that they are concerned about. I Googled it (dangerous to do!) and according to studies there is a 44% greater chance of dying with what I have. I am telling myself that most studies

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

This is what REALLY bugs me

I was in the DF Water Cooler forum and answering the question "What really bugs you?" and I wrote this long paragraph and then realized it was supposed to be non-depression related.  So I'm posting it here instead.   It bugs me that my husband who insisted I "get better" (I was an agoraphobic) or he wouldn't marry me, has OCD and won't admit it or try to change. I "got better" and now I have to put up with his issues. He has a problem with going to sleep at night so he puts it off until 6 o

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Celebrity Obsessions

I was reading some forums posts on here about celebrity obsessions and it's a little disturbing. We've all heard stories about stalkers. Some of the people here seem to be bordering on that.  What's got to be realized here is that celebrities are ordinary people just like you and me, whether you believe that or not. They have the same faults and hangups and personality issues. They have a private persona and a public persona. For the most part these are different. You may "fall in love" wit

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Words of wisdom

To all those here who think their lives are bad because they don't have a "relationship", here's a quote from the late, great Robin Williams: "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone." Be careful what you wish for.

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Trying really hard to stay positive

I guess I go through life with my eyes closed. Once in a while I open them and really see my life and that's when the trouble starts. I wouldn't be picking my fingernails until they bleed if I was "okay".  I wouldn't be sleeping on the weekends until 2:30 p.m. if I was "okay". I preach to others about being positive but I don't always feel it myself. Sometimes I get tired of pushing the rock uphill.

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

I never said I was perfect

OK after all those things I posted last week about positive attitude and CBT and people being their own worst enemies, today I am having a bad day. I had a bad weekend which is spilling over into this morning. I did NOT have a relaxing weekend - I rarely do anymore. So naturally that makes Mondays even worse. My boss hits me first thing with seemingly impossible demands and I'm working with this frustrating software that isn't capable of doing the things he asks for sometimes. And I hate it. I h

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Just a thought

For some reason I have a lot of free-floating anxiety today.  It reminds me of the times when I was in this state constantly.  How did I live through that???  Given anxiety or depression, I'd rather be depressed.  

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Blah, again (a rant)

So I had my annual review at work the other day. Long story short, I start my workday at 10, per an arrangement I made with my last boss, who was fine with it. I told her about my depression and insomnia and she suggested that if it would help I could start work at 10 instead of 8:30.  So that's what I've been doing. Well I got a new boss almost a year ago and at first he said that was fine (he doesn't know about the depression or insomnia). Lo and behold it was held against me on my review, and

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Blah blah blah

There are so many people living in truly horrible situations that I feel like I should feel better.  At least I can walk and talk and I have a roof over my head and food to eat.  But why isn't that enough.  Why do I feel like I'm just pushing a rock up a hill every day just to have it roll back down so that I have to start all over again the next day?  Why do I feel like when I go to sleep at night I wish that I just wouldn't wake up ever again?  Everything causes worry and anxiety, every little

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

 

Wow - a good weekend!

I have one word of advice that comes from this weekend:  Exercise!!!  When they tell you to do it and that it helps depression, DO IT!!!!!   I had to set up at a festival this weekend as a favor for a friend.  Due to some blunders and mixups it involved a lot of walking.  A LOT of walking.  And it was hot and humid with the sun beating down on me.  I've been a couch potato for years.  I thought it was going to **** me.  I had to do this two days in a row and by the end of the second day whe

thursdayschild

thursdayschild

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