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Whispers in the Wind

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October Still Sucks

It seems this October is going to be a busy one. I got word that a friend of mine passed away this morning.  His son - also a friend - called, and he was so broken up I didn't ask any questions.  He asked if I would be a pallbearer, and of course I said yes.  He'd been battling Alzheimer's the past few years, which my grandparents on my mother's side both had.  At least I think my grandpa had it in the end, I don't know if he was ever diagnosed with it - but he had it, or some other type of

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

The Long and Short of It

As an 80's kid into guitar, Eddie Van Halen was a big part of the soundtrack of my formative years.  I was inspired to play by his rival, Ozzy Osbourne guitarist Randy Rhoads, but before discovering Randy's music, I remember playing air guitar to 'Hot for Teacher.'  It was the 1987 release of the Ozzy Osbourne/Randy Rhoads 'Tribute' album five years after Randy's death that made me pick up guitar, and soon Eddie became one of the guitarists I listened to and learned from.  Oddly enough, I just r

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

October Sucks

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my grandpa's death.  I don't think I'll ever get over it.  I never got over my dad's death when I was ten.  That anniversary is coming up this month as well.  It's why I hate October.  It's the worst time of the year for me, even worse than Christmas.  And all the lovely Halloween imagery keeps reminding me that this is the month they died. I've tried counseling, but it didn't help.  If anything, it just made things worse.  My feelings were just minor

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Another Lost Day

Last week I fell into a major depressive episode.  I always wrack my brain looking for reasons why I fall into these spells, leading me to waves of anxiety that something has gone horribly wrong.  Once I fell into a bad episode, and later found out that my parents' dog had passed away on that very day, and I had no way of knowing.  So when these spells start, my anxiety tells me that something is terribly wrong, that the worst things I can imagine have happened and I just haven't found out yet. 

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Tired.

I am so tired. My body feels like it's on fire.  Roasting from the inside out. Each spring I work to build myself back up, to get outside and be active, but each year it gets harder and harder.  I've been in pain the last couple of days, since I mowed the yard.  Not only is my energy lower than ever, I keep taking longer and longer to recover when I have triggered my fibro.  If it feels like this at 47, I don't know how much more I can take.  And my mood...is terrible today.  I kept wa

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Antiman

I have been thinking about blogging here again for quite some time, but I kept putting it off.  I just don't feel motivated to do much of anything, much less blogging again.  My world has shrunk down to almost npthing.  People I worked with for a decade now pass me by as if I'm a stranger.  I haven't seen or heard from the few friends I had in a very long time.  I am now alone.  I guess I feel as free as I can now, no longer living in fear of social interactions. But...I can't escape sorrow

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Cold Fire

I am exhausted.  Unfortunately, that's not new.  I've been exhausted for so long I don't remember the last time I felt well.  My body is on fire from fibromyalgia pain, and I've simultaneously felt the icy cold, jittery, vibrating sensation of anxiety.  Like grabbing an electric fence.  And holding on to it all day.  Cold fire.   On this day in 2015, the doctors removed my grandpa from life support and I watched him slowly drift away.    I've been thinking for some time now t

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Sunsets, Pills, Worries, Bills, and Pain

The past is never far from my thoughts.  Whenever my concentration falters, some memory crawls out of the back of my mind, spreading through my grey matter like an ink stain.  I watch the past expand behind me, while the future has shrunken away to almost nothing.  I feel completely used up.  Tired of living.  Nothing left to give, and nothing left to do but wait.  "Depression is the inability to construct a future" - Rollo May I never understood that quote until now.  My depression se

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Cave Darkness

Another death in the family.  And I'm torn inside.  It was sudden and unexpected.  We knew he was sick but didn't know he was this close to the end.  And now there are a lot of family issues that will never be resolved.  I'm nervous, I'm tired...  I haven't been sleeping well, and have been having lots of indigestion.  I told my doc that I had lowered one of my meds, and that I had seen my suicidal ideation decline so I felt I was going in the right direction, but the anxiety...  It's chickening

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Reruns and Sad Endings

So here I am again.  My nerves are shot. So my friend A, who had an accident and totaled the truck I sold her, has taken responsibility for the accident, but the other lady in the accident has hired a lawyer and apparently is going to go after me.  I get it.  She needs a car to get to work, and hers was totaled too.  Looks like she's taking it all the way to court, but I don't know how I'll pay a judgement against me.  I've been trying to get my finances back on track and I'm barely getting

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Dramageddon

I sold a truck to a friend of mine a couple of years ago because she needed reliable transportation.  I even made her a good deal on it.  She is a good friend who has similar challenges, and I trusted her.  In the meantime, she lost the title, found the title, got insurance through an abusive boyfriend, got out of the relationship and moved back to her home state, and was involved in an accident in which the truck and the other driver's car were totaled.  And the other driver has already hi

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Nightmares

Usually, the sights of Spring lift my mood and provide a welcome relief from the winter gloom, but not this year.  The wild violets are blooming in the yard, but all I can do is stare at them and feel empty.  I see something funny, and though I can fake a smile, or laughter, there's no feeling behind it.  I just can't feel the spectrum of emotions I should be able to.  I'm either in a major depressive episode which is really, really bad, my meds have pooped out.  I don't know which.  All I do kn

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Pain is Sticky

I'm so tired of the struggle.  I think my meds may have pooped out on me...it's hard to tell for sure.  I feel like I've reached a dead end in life, but there's no going back, I'm just stuck here.  Wherever here is. I can't find pleasure in anything.  I can't feel happy.  I can't laugh - not genuinely, anyway.  I've learned to laugh convincingly enough to fool others, but I can't feel it.  I feel dead inside.  Hopeless.  I don't want to feel this way.  I don't want the intrusive thoughts. 

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Hell and Time

I spent yesterday freaking out because my satellite went out and I flipped out over having a repairman come to the house.  I don't like people in my house at all.  The visit went well, though, it's just the anticipation of some random stranger coming to the house that freaks me out.  It freaks me out when my own family comes, so strangers really freak me out.  I took an extra anxiety pill yesterday but still, I couldn't shake the fear.  I hate fear, but fear loves me.  It must, it spends

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

The Devil I Know

That scream is caught in my throat again, the one that I can't let out.  It's too big, it just won't come.  Instead, it chokes me.  I can't breathe.  If I could unhinge my jaw, reach down my throat and stretch my windpipe as wide as it would go, I still wouldn't be able to breathe.  And the scream still would not come.  It can't.  It's bigger than me even though it's inside me, pushing, pushing, pushing...  But it's stuck.  It doesn't want out.  It's happy stretching me as far as it can. I

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Toxic Waste

It's been a little over two years now since my grandpa passed, and it's as if my heart broke for good.  I'm making no progress at all.  There is no way forward.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is only the light above my head, shining down into the cold and clammy hole I'm in, in long, thin grey streaks, stretching through the darkness, giving no warmth or comfort.  Those rays are just a reminder that somewhere up there, somewhere I can't reach, there is light and laughter and

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

In the Slough of Despond

I hate the term "depression."  Those who have no exposure to it seem to think it's just being sad, and I think that's why many people think it's just some politically correct, touchy-feely term for someone just feeling sorry for themselves.  For me, the anxiety that comes along with it is far worse than the sadness.  The occasional anhedonia, which is to me a blessing, is also a part of the disease.  Depression is just one part of a complicated web of symptoms.  "Mood disorder" comes much closer

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Hope In One Hand...

****************************************************Trigger Warning - Grief*******************************************************************                       I've been doing better lately, but what goes up, must come down I suppose.  Last night I had one of those dreams again.  I saw my cats, both of whom I lost in the last couple of years.  I told someone - you know, those people who are in your dreams but you don't know who the

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Therapy?

So I got up sick gain on Friday morning.  And of course, there was snow on the ground so everything here was closed, including my doctor's office.  Toughed it out Friday and then went to a local walk in clinic yesterday.  They confirmed what I already suspected.  Flu.  The fibro makes it hard to tell when I'm sick, because I feel a sick all the time, and all it takes is eating something containing MSG (Monosodium Glutamate) or Aspartame (Nutrasweet) to send me into a painful tail spin.  I a

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Devil's Hour Musings

Here I am, wide awake at almost four in the morning.  I hate nights like this.  It's partially my fault, though.  Drowning in memories. The holidays were uneventful and quiet, and it really didn't feel like the holidays to me.  It'll never be the same, I know, but with the usual stress and anxiety gone, it's sort of...I dunno, eerie and unnatural.  And now, surprisingly, I'm feeling washed out, run down, and all the usual stuff, even though the holidays were anything but usual.  For many ye

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

One Good Reason

Like the da Vinci quote "Art is never finished, only abandoned", I gave up on Christmas shopping yesterday.  I only have my parents to buy for anyway, and they have everything they need anyway.  I never feel like I'm doing enough, but that's a fixed part of my mental landscape.  At this point I'm used to being so worked up and anxious that I can't wait for the holidays to be over, but last year I was numb and this year, well...  It just feels like a formality.  I did get nervous yesterday i

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

I Ain't Right

I am so embarrassed.  I went to a friend's house last night, our usual Saturday night thing.  He's got a shop out back that is a total man cave, and we shoot pool and make some noise with his drums and guitars.  I was tired and not feeling well - thanks to a lovely adventure replacing my dryer vent hose - and I was soooo out of it that it wasn't funny.  I couldn't remember songs that I play frequently, and several times just went blank in the middle of playing a song.  I had literally played the

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Comfortably Numb

Anhedonia.  Don't feel a thing.  Blessed relief. After the past couple of years, not feeling anything is progress.  I've thought a lot about depression, and to me it's often like feeling every negative emotion at once, an emotional assault that is so loud that even when something good happens, it drowns out the positive feelings I should have been able to experience.  It's like every person in the world but one is screaming angry, hateful things at me, while that one person not screaming wh

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Limbo

Now that I've been taking wellbutrin for a while, I'm in a strange mood.  I've lived so long in a state of constant sorrow that I'm unsure how to live without it.  It's sort of like leaning into the wind for so long that I can't seem to stand upright any more.  Maybe it's like Stockholm syndrome.  I've lived so long with the constant barrage of intrusive thoughts that I've become comfortable with the presence of all the little devils whispering in my ears, and I miss their absence.  That's extre

DeeBear

DeeBear

 

Being Me

I started reading a memoir of a writer's struggle with depression this evening, and it's having an effect on me.  On the one hand, I have trouble relating to the lifestyle of someone who jets to Paris to receive an award, but on the other hand, it's discouraging because if he could do this, why can't I get off my arse and do something with my life, too?  Then again, he had a temporary bout with depression, but I've struggle with it all my life. Yeah, I'm not buying that excuse either, and I

DeeBear

DeeBear

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