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Whispers in the Wind

Entries in this blog

A Dysfunctional Relationship With the World

I'm having a depressed day today.  I wish I could get motivated to do something but all I want to do is sit here.  I really hope tomorrow is a better day. I've been thinking of a very dark time in my life lately.  As a teenager I started self medicating, due to a combination of depression, and a terrible relationship with my mom.  I was told to get a job, and then when I did, my parents complained that I was never home.  I felt like no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough.  I couldn't w

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

Memory Lane is a Dead End Street

It was a simple question, with a simple answer.  But it brought my life into focus. Mom had just spit venom at me, something I'd gotten used to.  I don't remember what for, and it really didn't matter.  I'd gotten so used to being yelled at that it didn't even phase me, it was just the normal routine.  It didn't even embarrass me that this outburst was in the yard, in front of several of my friends.  Mom stomped away, and one of my friends turned to me and asked "Why does your mom hate you

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

I Can't Help But Wonder

Forty years ago today my dad died.  He was 31; I was 10.  I'd seen my dad in the hospital many times, but at that age, I didn't really appreciate that he didn't have much time.  I still miss him terribly. We were living in a trailer park in Wentzville, MO at the time.  It was a great park, with several lakes, and I spent a lot of time fishing, which was a great solitary activity, perfect for me as an anxious loner.  I spent the whole day attempting to fish, but mostly I just cried, and I gu

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

Seven Years On

My parents divorced when I was four or five, and my mom got a job working nights at a local factory.  During the week I stayed with my grandparents, so I lost both parents in the divorce.  But I digress.  I was always close to my grandparents and I miss them terribly. My grandmother passed in 2009, officially.  She had Alzheimer's so her mind checked out long before her body.  It's a horrible disease, robbing you of your soul.  My grandfather was displaying symptoms of it as well at the end

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

A Walking Pharmacy

The dreaded month of October will soon be here.  My grandfather died on the 4th. My dad died on the 28th.  A good friend died on the tenth.  My uncle died on the fourteenth. And in between all that, I will turn 50 this year.  40 didn't bother me.  Neither did 30.  But 50 is really filling me with regret.  I always dreaded my birthday because it reminded me of my dad's death when I was ten.  Now the month of October is even more sad.  I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in November. My me

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

I Want To Be Okay

Terrible day.  I went to buy groceries and anxiety started kicking my ass.  By the time I got out of the store I felt like I was being electrocuted.  That same old feeling, like my body was vibrating uncontrollably.  I was so tired by the time I got home that I passed out on the couch and slept really hard.  Now, of course, I can't sleep.   I'm so tired of being broken.  I don't understand why it has to be this way.  I just want to be okay.  But I don't know how.

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

The Road Not Taken

Having a down day today.  I had trouble getting to sleep last night, and my dog woke me up early, so I was tired to begin with.  Then I started going through some of my things in that drawer full of memories.  I found some cards from my college girlfriend.  It hit me hard. I really did love her, but in the end she stopped loving me.  I found out later that she had been seeing someone behind my back.  She told me that she didn't meet him until we broke up, but a mutual friend claimed to have

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

I'm Still Me

I'm still me.  There's no pill that can fix that.  There's no counseling strategy that will change that.  I feel like I'm just running out the clock at this stage of my life.  Nothing to look forward to.  Just getting older and older until.... I've thought about going back to counseling, but I really don't see the point.  It's either they try to distract me from my problems, or they rip open old wounds and then move on like nothing happened.  At best counseling has been ineffectual, at

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

October Still Sucks

It seems this October is going to be a busy one. I got word that a friend of mine passed away this morning.  His son - also a friend - called, and he was so broken up I didn't ask any questions.  He asked if I would be a pallbearer, and of course I said yes.  He'd been battling Alzheimer's the past few years, which my grandparents on my mother's side both had.  At least I think my grandpa had it in the end, I don't know if he was ever diagnosed with it - but he had it, or some other type of

DeeBear

DeeBear

The Long and Short of It

As an 80's kid into guitar, Eddie Van Halen was a big part of the soundtrack of my formative years.  I was inspired to play by his rival, Ozzy Osbourne guitarist Randy Rhoads, but before discovering Randy's music, I remember playing air guitar to 'Hot for Teacher.'  It was the 1987 release of the Ozzy Osbourne/Randy Rhoads 'Tribute' album five years after Randy's death that made me pick up guitar, and soon Eddie became one of the guitarists I listened to and learned from.  Oddly enough, I just r

DeeBear

DeeBear

October Sucks

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my grandpa's death.  I don't think I'll ever get over it.  I never got over my dad's death when I was ten.  That anniversary is coming up this month as well.  It's why I hate October.  It's the worst time of the year for me, even worse than Christmas.  And all the lovely Halloween imagery keeps reminding me that this is the month they died. I've tried counseling, but it didn't help.  If anything, it just made things worse.  My feelings were just minor

DeeBear

DeeBear

Another Lost Day

Last week I fell into a major depressive episode.  I always wrack my brain looking for reasons why I fall into these spells, leading me to waves of anxiety that something has gone horribly wrong.  Once I fell into a bad episode, and later found out that my parents' dog had passed away on that very day, and I had no way of knowing.  So when these spells start, my anxiety tells me that something is terribly wrong, that the worst things I can imagine have happened and I just haven't found out yet. 

DeeBear

DeeBear

Tired.

I am so tired. My body feels like it's on fire.  Roasting from the inside out. Each spring I work to build myself back up, to get outside and be active, but each year it gets harder and harder.  I've been in pain the last couple of days, since I mowed the yard.  Not only is my energy lower than ever, I keep taking longer and longer to recover when I have triggered my fibro.  If it feels like this at 47, I don't know how much more I can take.  And my mood...is terrible today.  I kept wa

DeeBear

DeeBear

Antiman

I have been thinking about blogging here again for quite some time, but I kept putting it off.  I just don't feel motivated to do much of anything, much less blogging again.  My world has shrunk down to almost npthing.  People I worked with for a decade now pass me by as if I'm a stranger.  I haven't seen or heard from the few friends I had in a very long time.  I am now alone.  I guess I feel as free as I can now, no longer living in fear of social interactions. But...I can't escape sorrow

DeeBear

DeeBear

Cold Fire

I am exhausted.  Unfortunately, that's not new.  I've been exhausted for so long I don't remember the last time I felt well.  My body is on fire from fibromyalgia pain, and I've simultaneously felt the icy cold, jittery, vibrating sensation of anxiety.  Like grabbing an electric fence.  And holding on to it all day.  Cold fire.   On this day in 2015, the doctors removed my grandpa from life support and I watched him slowly drift away.    I've been thinking for some time now t

DeeBear

DeeBear

Sunsets, Pills, Worries, Bills, and Pain

The past is never far from my thoughts.  Whenever my concentration falters, some memory crawls out of the back of my mind, spreading through my grey matter like an ink stain.  I watch the past expand behind me, while the future has shrunken away to almost nothing.  I feel completely used up.  Tired of living.  Nothing left to give, and nothing left to do but wait.  "Depression is the inability to construct a future" - Rollo May I never understood that quote until now.  My depression se

DeeBear

DeeBear

Cave Darkness

Another death in the family.  And I'm torn inside.  It was sudden and unexpected.  We knew he was sick but didn't know he was this close to the end.  And now there are a lot of family issues that will never be resolved.  I'm nervous, I'm tired...  I haven't been sleeping well, and have been having lots of indigestion.  I told my doc that I had lowered one of my meds, and that I had seen my suicidal ideation decline so I felt I was going in the right direction, but the anxiety...  It's chickening

DeeBear

DeeBear

Reruns and Sad Endings

So here I am again.  My nerves are shot. So my friend A, who had an accident and totaled the truck I sold her, has taken responsibility for the accident, but the other lady in the accident has hired a lawyer and apparently is going to go after me.  I get it.  She needs a car to get to work, and hers was totaled too.  Looks like she's taking it all the way to court, but I don't know how I'll pay a judgement against me.  I've been trying to get my finances back on track and I'm barely getting

DeeBear

DeeBear

Dramageddon

I sold a truck to a friend of mine a couple of years ago because she needed reliable transportation.  I even made her a good deal on it.  She is a good friend who has similar challenges, and I trusted her.  In the meantime, she lost the title, found the title, got insurance through an abusive boyfriend, got out of the relationship and moved back to her home state, and was involved in an accident in which the truck and the other driver's car were totaled.  And the other driver has already hi

DeeBear

DeeBear

Nightmares

Usually, the sights of Spring lift my mood and provide a welcome relief from the winter gloom, but not this year.  The wild violets are blooming in the yard, but all I can do is stare at them and feel empty.  I see something funny, and though I can fake a smile, or laughter, there's no feeling behind it.  I just can't feel the spectrum of emotions I should be able to.  I'm either in a major depressive episode which is really, really bad, my meds have pooped out.  I don't know which.  All I do kn

DeeBear

DeeBear

Pain is Sticky

I'm so tired of the struggle.  I think my meds may have pooped out on me...it's hard to tell for sure.  I feel like I've reached a dead end in life, but there's no going back, I'm just stuck here.  Wherever here is. I can't find pleasure in anything.  I can't feel happy.  I can't laugh - not genuinely, anyway.  I've learned to laugh convincingly enough to fool others, but I can't feel it.  I feel dead inside.  Hopeless.  I don't want to feel this way.  I don't want the intrusive thoughts. 

DeeBear

DeeBear

Hell and Time

I spent yesterday freaking out because my satellite went out and I flipped out over having a repairman come to the house.  I don't like people in my house at all.  The visit went well, though, it's just the anticipation of some random stranger coming to the house that freaks me out.  It freaks me out when my own family comes, so strangers really freak me out.  I took an extra anxiety pill yesterday but still, I couldn't shake the fear.  I hate fear, but fear loves me.  It must, it spends

DeeBear

DeeBear

The Devil I Know

That scream is caught in my throat again, the one that I can't let out.  It's too big, it just won't come.  Instead, it chokes me.  I can't breathe.  If I could unhinge my jaw, reach down my throat and stretch my windpipe as wide as it would go, I still wouldn't be able to breathe.  And the scream still would not come.  It can't.  It's bigger than me even though it's inside me, pushing, pushing, pushing...  But it's stuck.  It doesn't want out.  It's happy stretching me as far as it can. I

DeeBear

DeeBear

Toxic Waste

It's been a little over two years now since my grandpa passed, and it's as if my heart broke for good.  I'm making no progress at all.  There is no way forward.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is only the light above my head, shining down into the cold and clammy hole I'm in, in long, thin grey streaks, stretching through the darkness, giving no warmth or comfort.  Those rays are just a reminder that somewhere up there, somewhere I can't reach, there is light and laughter and

DeeBear

DeeBear

In the Slough of Despond

I hate the term "depression."  Those who have no exposure to it seem to think it's just being sad, and I think that's why many people think it's just some politically correct, touchy-feely term for someone just feeling sorry for themselves.  For me, the anxiety that comes along with it is far worse than the sadness.  The occasional anhedonia, which is to me a blessing, is also a part of the disease.  Depression is just one part of a complicated web of symptoms.  "Mood disorder" comes much closer

DeeBear

DeeBear

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